I am - Live Bloggin' The Academy Awards of the Day

2007

Feb

I am – Live Bloggin' The Academy Awards of the Day

I am watching the Academy Awards because I don’t have cable. They just started. I missed all the red carpet shit cuz that’s for faggots who care about what lame celebs are wearing. Despite popular belief I am not some lame faggot but i realize that the Oscar award ceremony is really designed for faggots. Real men don’t care about Hollywood. I guess we’ll see if I turn gay from this over the next 3 hours that will feel like 15 hours, because they are so fucking tedious. This show has just started and it already makes me feel like I have been sucking dick the last 12 years of my life….reality is that I haven’t – I have very few options right now as I don’t like leaving my couch and don’t have remote. These fuckers are invading my home, if you can even call this dump a home. If the Oscars were a poor black dude and stealing my bike, I’d have him arrested, but since it’s a TV show, I guess there’s little I can do but live blog this fuckers..

8:30 – Actors are in front of a white background talking. I guess these are the nominees. People in the audience are laughing. I don’t have much of a sense of humor so I don’t see the humor in this. I also don’t recognize any of these people, except for maybe Eddie Murphy and the slut from Little Miss Sunshine. I wonder if it is illegal to call an 8 year old a Slut….

8:35 – The stupid intro is over, thank god. Now the announcer is sucking all of their dicks saying how important tonight is in all these people’s careers because it’s the Golden Night in Hollywood. It’s the Oscars, suckin’ dick is a huge factor in makin’ an evening gayer than DJ AM.

8:36 – Ellen DeGeneres walks out in some velvet tuxedo. She’s a lesbian and looks like one. It really is a gay event. I feel like I should be watching this while sipping Martinis in a pair of women’s pantyhose as five 18 year old cabana boys have an orgy on my coffee table. I don’t have a coffee table. I have a cardboard box. it still counts.

8:37 – Ellen told the kids to aim lower, I think that was a reference to what she needs her lesbian lovers to do while they go down on her. I wonder if she has a penis cuz bitch has got to have balls. She’s massively masculine, to manly for someone with a vagina.

8:38 – Will Smith laughed outrageously at Ellen’s jokes. I feel like he’s just trying to look like a nice guy to make the people like him when he drops his next album.

8:39 – Ellen made a drunk joke. I guess something she’s used to because any dude who would have fucked her pre-dyke was probably drunk. Maybe that’s the reason for her gayness.

8:40 – My live blogging gay angle isn’t that funny, but Ellen’s gay outfit is.

8:40 – Look at that Little Miss Sunshine in her party dress and make-up. On a one way trip to turning tricks by the time she’s 20. Good job goes out to the parents let’s hope they bought themselves a solid new car, house and wardrobe with their daughter’s earnings. Who says having kids can’t be a profitable business decision.

8:42 – Ellen is making George Bush jokes. I laughed because she made reference to the botched election when people voted for Gore and he still lost. That was smart. Smart humor is more than I can offer, I am never goin to be the next Ellen.

8:43 – Ellen brought up gays, cuz she is gay…and did a dance with a tambourine which is pretty gay. I am so fucking bored. I think I have to stop this now, or at least stop the gay angle. I realized it sucked half an hour ago but I still like to drag myself into the mud.

8:44 – Nicole Kidman is presenting. She’s worth a round, and was married to Tom Cruise who is gay. That’s the gay tie-in. Best Art Direction award is pretty interesting stuff. Art directors are probably usually gay men. I am turning this shit off, but can’t really turn off my whole gay bit. I don’t know why.

8:49 – There is a modern dance interlude. Really classy. Where there is modern dance, there are real men. That’s the story I heard. Oh they danced themselves into a silhouette of the Oscar statue. How fucking cute.

8:50 – First commercial break and it’s a lot more interesting than anything I have seen on the Oscars. I feel like it’s the Superbowl and for the rest of the night I will just be sitting here excited for the commercial breaks. True Story.

8:53 – Will Farrell is singing about how he’ll never win an Oscar because he’s a comedian. I like their attempt at being relevant. Here’s Jack Black singing with him, I feel like people are laughing. I fucking hate Jack Black. They are threatening the nominees. I am offended. I don’t know why.But that concludes this live blog. I just turned off the TV and have no confidence in Hollywood and their attempt to brainwash you into thinking lame is funny. And you fall for it. I hate you. Remember that.

The Mexicans have on 2 out of 2 awards. We’re taking over assholes. First we took your jobs, now we’re taking your awards too. Can’t keep us out of your country clubs anymore.

9:00 – They just sent out 2 kids to present the Nominees. Will Smith’s son looks like a little girl. That’s what happens when you raise a kid out of the ghetto and send him to private schools and shit. He loses his testicles and only wears designer clothes with his white Jewish friends. But he can’t read so I guess he’s still got a little of the projects in his blood. I think accepting an Academy Award from a 7 year old is pretty representative of how much of a joke this shit is.

9:11 – Ellen just corrected her fumble of calling Penelope Cruz a Mexican. I’ve been calling Penelope Cruz a Mexican since I started this fucking site. It’s not like a bad thing, but having the same jokes as Ellen DeGeneres is.

9:12 – People are making bird sounds and water sounds and galloping horses and helicopters and airplanes and rockets set to clips from movies and this is scaring the fuck out of me. Yeah, I was too lazy to turn off the TV.

9:13 – Jessica Biel isn’t wearing a bra, but she is showing off her wrestler lookin’ arms. Her nipples are hard, I am just staring at those as a distraction from her testosterone. I bet Ellen has a soft on for her, I know I do.

9:26 – The modern dancers just turned into silhouettes of penguins, I feel like I am a hairdresser and this is my favorite day of the year.

9:30 – James Taylor is singing.

9:34 – Melissa Ethridge is singing. I wonder if Ellen made that happen. Fucking lesbians are taking over they are trying to outstage the mexicans at this fucking show.

10:38 – Fat American Idol chick won proving that good looks don’t mean success…even a fat chick’s dreams can come true…so fat chicks reading this…I am rooting for you.

10:49 – Al Gore won and some girl with big tits is on his shoulder…

10:55 – Celine Dion Singing. It’s a dream come true for every faggot in the world. She’s been living in Vegas for years and still can’t speak English.

11:22 – Beyonce is trying to upstage Jennifer Hudson. She knows that Hudson upstages her and I feel like Beyonce can’t deal with it. I see the hate in her eyes, she’s like “I’m the fucking singer in this motherfucker.” She smiles but knows she’s got competition. I see the catty jealousy in her song.

11:30 – Melissa Ethridge thanked her wife. That was unconventional. I would have rather seen him pull out his dick and jerk off on stage.

11:32 – Local News is more interesting that this shit – I am going to smoke a cigar – oh and my site is down… and has been for 2 days.

11:44 – Jodi Foster is ugly, she’s making fisting myself a little harder than usual.

11:45 – The memorial – my favorite part of the Oscars because it makes me cry. The rest of the show just makes me want to kill myself, this makes me want to live and one day be one of these people.

11:51 – Ellen is being coy by pretending the show is over when it really isn’t. Genius comedic moment. I couldn’t have done better. But I don’t make a living being a comedian.

11:56 – The bitch who played the queen won …and is wearing a see through top. She has pretty huge tits for a Mexican…Nice More modern dance. They just made a gun. Amazing…..I would make a gay reference here but I’ve been trying to fix the site all night with this smut in the background. I can’t believe people call me a smut peddler when they air this shit.

12:00 – Ellen is vacuuming and found rolling papers. She’s so funny. Someone should give her her own show.

12:01 – Reese Witherspoon just walked up to give out an award. She’s worth a round since she started working out. I wonder how mangled her cunt is after her 8 kids.

12:04 – This is me future blogging the best actor award. Watch and learn. I say Forest Whitaker takes it cuz he’s black, he was sweating the whole movie and he looks like he was pretty fucking intense. I saw clips on Oprah and dude owned shit. I can future blog say that he won 100 percent and if he didn’t I am not a blogger….

He just when and I am a blogger!!! That makes me so proud and you just witnessed future blogging.

12:08 – George Lucas, Spielberg, Coppola just presented Scorsese with an Oscar. He deserves it and that’s all I have to say about that. They did a lame stand-up thing but they are directors not comedians so I’m cool with that. If they were actual comedians and they bombed that hard I’d be offended….

The whole thing is pretty offensive how much money and time went into this award ceremony. There are kids dying in Africa and these fuckers get so much recognition as is. Just the fact that they get paid millions should be enough for these greedy self-righteous motherfuckers. The Oscars suck my fucking dick, like Oscar was some dude I met at a bathhouse. That’s all I have to say about that. Cuddles.

Victoria Beckham Dressed Like Ellen