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Archive for the stepLIVEBloggin’ Category

2007

26

Feb

I am – Live Bloggin' The Academy Awards of the Day

oscar_hudson.jpg

I am watching the Academy Awards because I don’t have cable. They just started. I missed all the red carpet shit cuz that’s for faggots who care about what lame celebs are wearing. Despite popular belief I am not some lame faggot but i realize that the Oscar award ceremony is really designed for faggots. Real men don’t care about Hollywood. I guess we’ll see if I turn gay from this over the next 3 hours that will feel like 15 hours, because they are so fucking tedious. This show has just started and it already makes me feel like I have been sucking dick the last 12 years of my life….reality is that I haven’t – I have very few options right now as I don’t like leaving my couch and don’t have remote. These fuckers are invading my home, if you can even call this dump a home. If the Oscars were a poor black dude and stealing my bike, I’d have him arrested, but since it’s a TV show, I guess there’s little I can do but live blog this fuckers..

8:30 – Actors are in front of a white background talking. I guess these are the nominees. People in the audience are laughing. I don’t have much of a sense of humor so I don’t see the humor in this. I also don’t recognize any of these people, except for maybe Eddie Murphy and the slut from Little Miss Sunshine. I wonder if it is illegal to call an 8 year old a Slut….

8:35 – The stupid intro is over, thank god. Now the announcer is sucking all of their dicks saying how important tonight is in all these people’s careers because it’s the Golden Night in Hollywood. It’s the Oscars, suckin’ dick is a huge factor in makin’ an evening gayer than DJ AM.

8:36 – Ellen DeGeneres walks out in some velvet tuxedo. She’s a lesbian and looks like one. It really is a gay event. I feel like I should be watching this while sipping Martinis in a pair of women’s pantyhose as five 18 year old cabana boys have an orgy on my coffee table. I don’t have a coffee table. I have a cardboard box. it still counts.

8:37 – Ellen told the kids to aim lower, I think that was a reference to what she needs her lesbian lovers to do while they go down on her. I wonder if she has a penis cuz bitch has got to have balls. She’s massively masculine, to manly for someone with a vagina.

8:38 – Will Smith laughed outrageously at Ellen’s jokes. I feel like he’s just trying to look like a nice guy to make the people like him when he drops his next album.

8:39 – Ellen made a drunk joke. I guess something she’s used to because any dude who would have fucked her pre-dyke was probably drunk. Maybe that’s the reason for her gayness.

8:40 – My live blogging gay angle isn’t that funny, but Ellen’s gay outfit is.

8:40 – Look at that Little Miss Sunshine in her party dress and make-up. On a one way trip to turning tricks by the time she’s 20. Good job goes out to the parents let’s hope they bought themselves a solid new car, house and wardrobe with their daughter’s earnings. Who says having kids can’t be a profitable business decision.

8:42 – Ellen is making George Bush jokes. I laughed because she made reference to the botched election when people voted for Gore and he still lost. That was smart. Smart humor is more than I can offer, I am never goin to be the next Ellen.

8:43 – Ellen brought up gays, cuz she is gay…and did a dance with a tambourine which is pretty gay. I am so fucking bored. I think I have to stop this now, or at least stop the gay angle. I realized it sucked half an hour ago but I still like to drag myself into the mud.

8:44 – Nicole Kidman is presenting. She’s worth a round, and was married to Tom Cruise who is gay. That’s the gay tie-in. Best Art Direction award is pretty interesting stuff. Art directors are probably usually gay men. I am turning this shit off, but can’t really turn off my whole gay bit. I don’t know why.

8:49 – There is a modern dance interlude. Really classy. Where there is modern dance, there are real men. That’s the story I heard. Oh they danced themselves into a silhouette of the Oscar statue. How fucking cute.

8:50 – First commercial break and it’s a lot more interesting than anything I have seen on the Oscars. I feel like it’s the Superbowl and for the rest of the night I will just be sitting here excited for the commercial breaks. True Story.

8:53 – Will Farrell is singing about how he’ll never win an Oscar because he’s a comedian. I like their attempt at being relevant. Here’s Jack Black singing with him, I feel like people are laughing. I fucking hate Jack Black. They are threatening the nominees. I am offended. I don’t know why.But that concludes this live blog. I just turned off the TV and have no confidence in Hollywood and their attempt to brainwash you into thinking lame is funny. And you fall for it. I hate you. Remember that.

The Mexicans have on 2 out of 2 awards. We’re taking over assholes. First we took your jobs, now we’re taking your awards too. Can’t keep us out of your country clubs anymore.

9:00 – They just sent out 2 kids to present the Nominees. Will Smith’s son looks like a little girl. That’s what happens when you raise a kid out of the ghetto and send him to private schools and shit. He loses his testicles and only wears designer clothes with his white Jewish friends. But he can’t read so I guess he’s still got a little of the projects in his blood. I think accepting an Academy Award from a 7 year old is pretty representative of how much of a joke this shit is.

9:11 – Ellen just corrected her fumble of calling Penelope Cruz a Mexican. I’ve been calling Penelope Cruz a Mexican since I started this fucking site. It’s not like a bad thing, but having the same jokes as Ellen DeGeneres is.

9:12 – People are making bird sounds and water sounds and galloping horses and helicopters and airplanes and rockets set to clips from movies and this is scaring the fuck out of me. Yeah, I was too lazy to turn off the TV.

9:13 – Jessica Biel isn’t wearing a bra, but she is showing off her wrestler lookin’ arms. Her nipples are hard, I am just staring at those as a distraction from her testosterone. I bet Ellen has a soft on for her, I know I do.

9:26 – The modern dancers just turned into silhouettes of penguins, I feel like I am a hairdresser and this is my favorite day of the year.

9:30 – James Taylor is singing.

9:34 – Melissa Ethridge is singing. I wonder if Ellen made that happen. Fucking lesbians are taking over they are trying to outstage the mexicans at this fucking show.

10:38 – Fat American Idol chick won proving that good looks don’t mean success…even a fat chick’s dreams can come true…so fat chicks reading this…I am rooting for you.

10:49 – Al Gore won and some girl with big tits is on his shoulder…

10:55 – Celine Dion Singing. It’s a dream come true for every faggot in the world. She’s been living in Vegas for years and still can’t speak English.

11:22 – Beyonce is trying to upstage Jennifer Hudson. She knows that Hudson upstages her and I feel like Beyonce can’t deal with it. I see the hate in her eyes, she’s like “I’m the fucking singer in this motherfucker.” She smiles but knows she’s got competition. I see the catty jealousy in her song.

11:30 – Melissa Ethridge thanked her wife. That was unconventional. I would have rather seen him pull out his dick and jerk off on stage.

11:32 – Local News is more interesting that this shit – I am going to smoke a cigar – oh and my site is down… and has been for 2 days.

11:44 – Jodi Foster is ugly, she’s making fisting myself a little harder than usual.

11:45 – The memorial – my favorite part of the Oscars because it makes me cry. The rest of the show just makes me want to kill myself, this makes me want to live and one day be one of these people.

11:51 – Ellen is being coy by pretending the show is over when it really isn’t. Genius comedic moment. I couldn’t have done better. But I don’t make a living being a comedian.

11:56 – The bitch who played the queen won …and is wearing a see through top. She has pretty huge tits for a Mexican…Nice More modern dance. They just made a gun. Amazing…..I would make a gay reference here but I’ve been trying to fix the site all night with this smut in the background. I can’t believe people call me a smut peddler when they air this shit.

Helen Mirren's Tits

Helen Mirren's Tits

12:00 – Ellen is vacuuming and found rolling papers. She’s so funny. Someone should give her her own show.

12:01 – Reese Witherspoon just walked up to give out an award. She’s worth a round since she started working out. I wonder how mangled her cunt is after her 8 kids.

12:04 – This is me future blogging the best actor award. Watch and learn. I say Forest Whitaker takes it cuz he’s black, he was sweating the whole movie and he looks like he was pretty fucking intense. I saw clips on Oprah and dude owned shit. I can future blog say that he won 100 percent and if he didn’t I am not a blogger….

He just when and I am a blogger!!! That makes me so proud and you just witnessed future blogging.

12:08 – George Lucas, Spielberg, Coppola just presented Scorsese with an Oscar. He deserves it and that’s all I have to say about that. They did a lame stand-up thing but they are directors not comedians so I’m cool with that. If they were actual comedians and they bombed that hard I’d be offended….

The whole thing is pretty offensive how much money and time went into this award ceremony. There are kids dying in Africa and these fuckers get so much recognition as is. Just the fact that they get paid millions should be enough for these greedy self-righteous motherfuckers. The Oscars suck my fucking dick, like Oscar was some dude I met at a bathhouse. That’s all I have to say about that. Cuddles.

Victoria Beckham Dressed Like Ellen

Beyonce Before She Got Upstaged

Biel’s Nipples

Penelope Cruz

Cameron Diaz

Kirsten Dunst

Nicole Kidman

Posted in:stepLIVEBloggin'|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

26

Feb

I am – Live Bloggin’ The Academy Awards of the Day

oscar_hudson.jpg

I am watching the Academy Awards because I don’t have cable. They just started. I missed all the red carpet shit cuz that’s for faggots who care about what lame celebs are wearing. Despite popular belief I am not some lame faggot but i realize that the Oscar award ceremony is really designed for faggots. Real men don’t care about Hollywood. I guess we’ll see if I turn gay from this over the next 3 hours that will feel like 15 hours, because they are so fucking tedious. This show has just started and it already makes me feel like I have been sucking dick the last 12 years of my life….reality is that I haven’t – I have very few options right now as I don’t like leaving my couch and don’t have remote. These fuckers are invading my home, if you can even call this dump a home. If the Oscars were a poor black dude and stealing my bike, I’d have him arrested, but since it’s a TV show, I guess there’s little I can do but live blog this fuckers..

8:30 – Actors are in front of a white background talking. I guess these are the nominees. People in the audience are laughing. I don’t have much of a sense of humor so I don’t see the humor in this. I also don’t recognize any of these people, except for maybe Eddie Murphy and the slut from Little Miss Sunshine. I wonder if it is illegal to call an 8 year old a Slut….

8:35 – The stupid intro is over, thank god. Now the announcer is sucking all of their dicks saying how important tonight is in all these people’s careers because it’s the Golden Night in Hollywood. It’s the Oscars, suckin’ dick is a huge factor in makin’ an evening gayer than DJ AM.

8:36 – Ellen DeGeneres walks out in some velvet tuxedo. She’s a lesbian and looks like one. It really is a gay event. I feel like I should be watching this while sipping Martinis in a pair of women’s pantyhose as five 18 year old cabana boys have an orgy on my coffee table. I don’t have a coffee table. I have a cardboard box. it still counts.

8:37 – Ellen told the kids to aim lower, I think that was a reference to what she needs her lesbian lovers to do while they go down on her. I wonder if she has a penis cuz bitch has got to have balls. She’s massively masculine, to manly for someone with a vagina.

8:38 – Will Smith laughed outrageously at Ellen’s jokes. I feel like he’s just trying to look like a nice guy to make the people like him when he drops his next album.

8:39 – Ellen made a drunk joke. I guess something she’s used to because any dude who would have fucked her pre-dyke was probably drunk. Maybe that’s the reason for her gayness.

8:40 – My live blogging gay angle isn’t that funny, but Ellen’s gay outfit is.

8:40 – Look at that Little Miss Sunshine in her party dress and make-up. On a one way trip to turning tricks by the time she’s 20. Good job goes out to the parents let’s hope they bought themselves a solid new car, house and wardrobe with their daughter’s earnings. Who says having kids can’t be a profitable business decision.

8:42 – Ellen is making George Bush jokes. I laughed because she made reference to the botched election when people voted for Gore and he still lost. That was smart. Smart humor is more than I can offer, I am never goin to be the next Ellen.

8:43 – Ellen brought up gays, cuz she is gay…and did a dance with a tambourine which is pretty gay. I am so fucking bored. I think I have to stop this now, or at least stop the gay angle. I realized it sucked half an hour ago but I still like to drag myself into the mud.

8:44 – Nicole Kidman is presenting. She’s worth a round, and was married to Tom Cruise who is gay. That’s the gay tie-in. Best Art Direction award is pretty interesting stuff. Art directors are probably usually gay men. I am turning this shit off, but can’t really turn off my whole gay bit. I don’t know why.

8:49 – There is a modern dance interlude. Really classy. Where there is modern dance, there are real men. That’s the story I heard. Oh they danced themselves into a silhouette of the Oscar statue. How fucking cute.

8:50 – First commercial break and it’s a lot more interesting than anything I have seen on the Oscars. I feel like it’s the Superbowl and for the rest of the night I will just be sitting here excited for the commercial breaks. True Story.

8:53 – Will Farrell is singing about how he’ll never win an Oscar because he’s a comedian. I like their attempt at being relevant. Here’s Jack Black singing with him, I feel like people are laughing. I fucking hate Jack Black. They are threatening the nominees. I am offended. I don’t know why.But that concludes this live blog. I just turned off the TV and have no confidence in Hollywood and their attempt to brainwash you into thinking lame is funny. And you fall for it. I hate you. Remember that.

The Mexicans have on 2 out of 2 awards. We’re taking over assholes. First we took your jobs, now we’re taking your awards too. Can’t keep us out of your country clubs anymore.

9:00 – They just sent out 2 kids to present the Nominees. Will Smith’s son looks like a little girl. That’s what happens when you raise a kid out of the ghetto and send him to private schools and shit. He loses his testicles and only wears designer clothes with his white Jewish friends. But he can’t read so I guess he’s still got a little of the projects in his blood. I think accepting an Academy Award from a 7 year old is pretty representative of how much of a joke this shit is.

9:11 – Ellen just corrected her fumble of calling Penelope Cruz a Mexican. I’ve been calling Penelope Cruz a Mexican since I started this fucking site. It’s not like a bad thing, but having the same jokes as Ellen DeGeneres is.

9:12 – People are making bird sounds and water sounds and galloping horses and helicopters and airplanes and rockets set to clips from movies and this is scaring the fuck out of me. Yeah, I was too lazy to turn off the TV.

9:13 – Jessica Biel isn’t wearing a bra, but she is showing off her wrestler lookin’ arms. Her nipples are hard, I am just staring at those as a distraction from her testosterone. I bet Ellen has a soft on for her, I know I do.

9:26 – The modern dancers just turned into silhouettes of penguins, I feel like I am a hairdresser and this is my favorite day of the year.

9:30 – James Taylor is singing.

9:34 – Melissa Ethridge is singing. I wonder if Ellen made that happen. Fucking lesbians are taking over they are trying to outstage the mexicans at this fucking show.

10:38 – Fat American Idol chick won proving that good looks don’t mean success…even a fat chick’s dreams can come true…so fat chicks reading this…I am rooting for you.

10:49 – Al Gore won and some girl with big tits is on his shoulder…

10:55 – Celine Dion Singing. It’s a dream come true for every faggot in the world. She’s been living in Vegas for years and still can’t speak English.

11:22 – Beyonce is trying to upstage Jennifer Hudson. She knows that Hudson upstages her and I feel like Beyonce can’t deal with it. I see the hate in her eyes, she’s like “I’m the fucking singer in this motherfucker.” She smiles but knows she’s got competition. I see the catty jealousy in her song.

11:30 – Melissa Ethridge thanked her wife. That was unconventional. I would have rather seen him pull out his dick and jerk off on stage.

11:32 – Local News is more interesting that this shit – I am going to smoke a cigar – oh and my site is down… and has been for 2 days.

11:44 – Jodi Foster is ugly, she’s making fisting myself a little harder than usual.

11:45 – The memorial – my favorite part of the Oscars because it makes me cry. The rest of the show just makes me want to kill myself, this makes me want to live and one day be one of these people.

11:51 – Ellen is being coy by pretending the show is over when it really isn’t. Genius comedic moment. I couldn’t have done better. But I don’t make a living being a comedian.

11:56 – The bitch who played the queen won …and is wearing a see through top. She has pretty huge tits for a Mexican…Nice More modern dance. They just made a gun. Amazing…..I would make a gay reference here but I’ve been trying to fix the site all night with this smut in the background. I can’t believe people call me a smut peddler when they air this shit.

Helen Mirren's Tits

Helen Mirren's Tits

12:00 – Ellen is vacuuming and found rolling papers. She’s so funny. Someone should give her her own show.

12:01 – Reese Witherspoon just walked up to give out an award. She’s worth a round since she started working out. I wonder how mangled her cunt is after her 8 kids.

12:04 – This is me future blogging the best actor award. Watch and learn. I say Forest Whitaker takes it cuz he’s black, he was sweating the whole movie and he looks like he was pretty fucking intense. I saw clips on Oprah and dude owned shit. I can future blog say that he won 100 percent and if he didn’t I am not a blogger….

He just when and I am a blogger!!! That makes me so proud and you just witnessed future blogging.

12:08 – George Lucas, Spielberg, Coppola just presented Scorsese with an Oscar. He deserves it and that’s all I have to say about that. They did a lame stand-up thing but they are directors not comedians so I’m cool with that. If they were actual comedians and they bombed that hard I’d be offended….

The whole thing is pretty offensive how much money and time went into this award ceremony. There are kids dying in Africa and these fuckers get so much recognition as is. Just the fact that they get paid millions should be enough for these greedy self-righteous motherfuckers. The Oscars suck my fucking dick, like Oscar was some dude I met at a bathhouse. That’s all I have to say about that. Cuddles.

Victoria Beckham Dressed Like Ellen

Beyonce Before She Got Upstaged

Biel’s Nipples

Penelope Cruz

Cameron Diaz

Kirsten Dunst

Nicole Kidman

Posted in:stepLIVEBloggin'|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

22

Feb

I am – Live Bloggin' The Anna Nicole Verdict of the Day

anna_nicole-smith.jpg

I just went to my neighbor’s house because he told me the Anna Nicole Smith trial was on, he has stolen cable, not because I care but because I am

I am watching the judge struggling through the verdict, he’s fucking crazy, he’s talking about his wife and his kids and his mother. I feel like I am in drama class watching some highschool students performance. He is talking about his struggle, he made himself cry, he’s stuttering, it’s next level soap opera shit.

He is living the American dream, he was a taxi driver, became a judge He’s milking this story for all it’s worth. Dude won’t just shut the fuck up, he keeps talking and talking and talking…about how he’s going to give a verdict today…even though the final ruling was supposed to be tomorrow.

I think it’s pretty clear that he’s auditioning for a TV show for his retirement that he was talking about in his weird fucking speech. Everyone wants to be famous.

I don’t understand how this is legal. If I was on trial, I would hate to have some emotional freak show dancing around like a monkey, telling me his life story, imposing his personal opinion. I want my judge to keep his fucking mouth shut and listen to my case, and reference the laws of the fucking land not the laws of his magical playground of a film set that he calls the courtroom.

And the verdict is… The Remains of Anna Nicole Smith Given to her Baby’s Lawyer and the Judge Suggested she be Buried With Her Son in the Bahamas…Who Gives a Fuck Where Her Remains Are, She’s Fuckin’ Dead…

I fucked that one up – because i was so tired of listening to this asshole judge talking.

Posted in:stepLIVEBloggin'|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

22

Feb

I am – Live Bloggin’ The Anna Nicole Verdict of the Day

anna_nicole-smith.jpg

I just went to my neighbor’s house because he told me the Anna Nicole Smith trial was on, he has stolen cable, not because I care but because I am

I am watching the judge struggling through the verdict, he’s fucking crazy, he’s talking about his wife and his kids and his mother. I feel like I am in drama class watching some highschool students performance. He is talking about his struggle, he made himself cry, he’s stuttering, it’s next level soap opera shit.

He is living the American dream, he was a taxi driver, became a judge He’s milking this story for all it’s worth. Dude won’t just shut the fuck up, he keeps talking and talking and talking…about how he’s going to give a verdict today…even though the final ruling was supposed to be tomorrow.

I think it’s pretty clear that he’s auditioning for a TV show for his retirement that he was talking about in his weird fucking speech. Everyone wants to be famous.

I don’t understand how this is legal. If I was on trial, I would hate to have some emotional freak show dancing around like a monkey, telling me his life story, imposing his personal opinion. I want my judge to keep his fucking mouth shut and listen to my case, and reference the laws of the fucking land not the laws of his magical playground of a film set that he calls the courtroom.

And the verdict is… The Remains of Anna Nicole Smith Given to her Baby’s Lawyer and the Judge Suggested she be Buried With Her Son in the Bahamas…Who Gives a Fuck Where Her Remains Are, She’s Fuckin’ Dead…

I fucked that one up – because i was so tired of listening to this asshole judge talking.

Posted in:stepLIVEBloggin'|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

06

Dec

I am – Live Blogging the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show of the Day

The Victoria Secret Fashion Show was on last night, but the pictures were out weeks ago. So I decided to post some of the washed-up lookin’ Gisele Buncheon outside the late show 2 days ago promoting it….

Since I don’t have cable, I can’t watch the Victoria Secret’s Fashion Show, which is okay considering watching a bunch of hot lingerie models running around in a pre-recorded show is less interesting than scrambled porn. I figured virgin-bloggers everywhere would also live-blog this show, but realize that other virgin bloggers who have been waiting all year for this to come out have other things on their mind for the next hour that involves masturbating.

Since I don’t have cable, I live blogged the hour the Fashion Show was on…..So here it goes….

10:00 – Went to store to get a beer and to ponder how I am going to deal with this no-cable issue I got going on here. I bought candy a beer and the total was $5.75 that I stole from my wife.

10:10 – Back home on the couch, looking for a channel to watch…found one…it’s the National Canadian news…Amazing…

10:15 – big houses cause a big stir in suburban vancouver

10:18 – Cyber-Chondria is the new news segment and it’s so fucking relevant to my life, because I am a google, webMD, addict. Whenever something is wrong I know I’ve got it. I was too busy writing this to hear what they had to say, but it’s nice to know I am not the only one…..Last night I thought I had anxiety because of a caffeine allergy that simulates psychosis….

10:20 – New York Banned Trans fats…Sucks for you Fatty….

10:21 – A Million Dollars for The Hepburn Dress in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Fascinating….

10:26 – 7 days in a school ranked the worst..Can Some Reporter hack it as a teacher. It’s part of a series called 7 days in someone else’s shoes, which is pretty genius and was a TV show concept I had because I always wanted to be a truck driver, bartender, librarian, dance instructor, strip club dj. zoo keeper, cafeteria worker, and the list goes on. The network I pitched it to, never answered my email.

In this school, there is a dumpster that says “Rape Me” and a church that says “God Hates Us All” across the door….sounds like MUNG’s hometown…

10:34 – This kid is on Ritalin because he had fetal alcohol poisoning….I may be an asshole, but can’t rag on kids for having shitty parents…If you’re reading this don’t be shitty parents. I wonder who is in their bra right now…strutting down the runway….I guess I’ll never know unless one of the virgin bloggers live blogged this which is unlikely, cuz this is the shit they wait to jerk off to all year long….

10:38 – Another kid didn’t have any dinner or breakfast because their parents were passed out drunk.

10:46 – Principle Steve Sets the Reporter Straight. I have a Steve in my life, a fallen stepSOLDIER. I just opened my beer and spilt a little on the couch he lived on in his memory….There are so many X-Mas commercials on and I just realized that my Christmas Vacation started when I got fired from the factory last december…Lesson of the year is that making myself famous doesn’t make me money…

10:50 – Is the fashion show over yet?

10:57 – The News is over and so is this post…..CUDDLES…

I didn’t re-read this but I am sure if you’ve made it this far, you loved it. You’re so easy to please.

Posted in:stepLIVEBloggin'|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

06

Dec

I am – Live Blogging the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show of the Day

The Victoria Secret Fashion Show was on last night, but the pictures were out weeks ago. So I decided to post some of the washed-up lookin’ Gisele Buncheon outside the late show 2 days ago promoting it….

Since I don’t have cable, I can’t watch the Victoria Secret’s Fashion Show, which is okay considering watching a bunch of hot lingerie models running around in a pre-recorded show is less interesting than scrambled porn. I figured virgin-bloggers everywhere would also live-blog this show, but realize that other virgin bloggers who have been waiting all year for this to come out have other things on their mind for the next hour that involves masturbating.

Since I don’t have cable, I live blogged the hour the Fashion Show was on…..So here it goes….

10:00 – Went to store to get a beer and to ponder how I am going to deal with this no-cable issue I got going on here. I bought candy a beer and the total was $5.75 that I stole from my wife.

10:10 – Back home on the couch, looking for a channel to watch…found one…it’s the National Canadian news…Amazing…

10:15 – big houses cause a big stir in suburban vancouver

10:18 – Cyber-Chondria is the new news segment and it’s so fucking relevant to my life, because I am a google, webMD, addict. Whenever something is wrong I know I’ve got it. I was too busy writing this to hear what they had to say, but it’s nice to know I am not the only one…..Last night I thought I had anxiety because of a caffeine allergy that simulates psychosis….

10:20 – New York Banned Trans fats…Sucks for you Fatty….

10:21 – A Million Dollars for The Hepburn Dress in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Fascinating….

10:26 – 7 days in a school ranked the worst..Can Some Reporter hack it as a teacher. It’s part of a series called 7 days in someone else’s shoes, which is pretty genius and was a TV show concept I had because I always wanted to be a truck driver, bartender, librarian, dance instructor, strip club dj. zoo keeper, cafeteria worker, and the list goes on. The network I pitched it to, never answered my email.

In this school, there is a dumpster that says “Rape Me” and a church that says “God Hates Us All” across the door….sounds like MUNG’s hometown…

10:34 – This kid is on Ritalin because he had fetal alcohol poisoning….I may be an asshole, but can’t rag on kids for having shitty parents…If you’re reading this don’t be shitty parents. I wonder who is in their bra right now…strutting down the runway….I guess I’ll never know unless one of the virgin bloggers live blogged this which is unlikely, cuz this is the shit they wait to jerk off to all year long….

10:38 – Another kid didn’t have any dinner or breakfast because their parents were passed out drunk.

10:46 – Principle Steve Sets the Reporter Straight. I have a Steve in my life, a fallen stepSOLDIER. I just opened my beer and spilt a little on the couch he lived on in his memory….There are so many X-Mas commercials on and I just realized that my Christmas Vacation started when I got fired from the factory last december…Lesson of the year is that making myself famous doesn’t make me money…

10:50 – Is the fashion show over yet?

10:57 – The News is over and so is this post…..CUDDLES…

I didn’t re-read this but I am sure if you’ve made it this far, you loved it. You’re so easy to please.

Posted in:stepLIVEBloggin'|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

07

Nov

I am – Live Blogging Lohan on Oprah of the Day

lohanTOP.jpg

So today is dream day on Oprah….they are talking to random actors and models and other shit I can’t really bother processing because I am lazy. The irony of this being dream day, is the show in and of itself is making one of my dreams come true, because Oprah has a segment with my favorite hollywood dirtbag….Lindsay Lohan. What better way to celebrate this aggressively marketed show that to live blog this shit…It may be horrible – I haven’t slept much the last week….

4:01 – I am waiting for Lohan to show up on Oprah, but all I see is some china-woman from The VIew circa ’99 talking to some black girl from Sierra Leone. I haven’t seen pics of Lohan recently, but it’s safe to say this isn’t her….

4:03 – It’s definitely no Lohan, even if she was in costume because this black girl from Africa is missing her arm, and no matter how good the make-up is, there’s no way this shit’s staged.

4:05 – She’s talking about how she was carried on her mother’s back after both their arms were brutally cut off….I guess Sierra Leone is not a great vacation spot.

4:06 – Her adoptive parents are on Oprah rockin’ their traditional garbs. They are so colorful it makes me want to eat sand and do some kind of tribal dance.

4:07 – The girl hasn’t seen her mother in 6 years and her dream was to see her mother again….Oprah made it happen. Tear jerker if you have a heart, which I don’t right now because I am so excited to see Lohan, I’m all like get on with this emotional africa shit and ask Lohan if she has AIDs already.

4:09 – Oprah brought out her producers of this segment because of all the hard work they went into this story the last 4 months. The producers are crying, so I guess that means that Oprah’s staff are miracle workers, at least that’s what she’s trying to get across….

4:11 – Oprah is really Extreme Home Makerovering this segment…this dream is so over the top and emotionally driven that it’s ruining my excitement for Lohan. Thanks for nothing Oprah. You ratings whore….

4:12 – Commercial Time…..Thank YOU…. Oprah’s show tomorrow is where people confront their mother’s killers…Sounds like a really happy topic. At least I am 12 minutes closer to the Lohan Interview, that I know is going to end up being a 3 minute segment. All this hype for nothing….

4:15 – Fantastic News Emilio Estevez is on the show to talk about his dream. I guess she figured since no one really gives a fuck about this guy, we’re all going to get hard over his useless dream. Good one Oprah, you should stick to re-uniting refugee’s with their mothers.

4:16 – Emilio Estevez spent 7 years writing about his hero Robert Kennedy…his dream was to get it produced. The movie is called Bobby and is in theatres soon.His dream came true. It stars Lohan, this is an interesting segue from the African Bitch’s dream of her mother, to Estevez’s dream of making a movie, to Lohan who stars in said movie, who won’t be talking about her dreams because no one cares about her dreams, she’s not allowed to have dreams….

4:19 – I sucked at live blogging, this is really fucking boring, you’d think after 2 years of running the site, my posts would get better. They definitely don’t. This is me feeling sorry for myself….mark it down, 4:19 pm, while watching Oprah, I question where I am going with this post. Positive side of things, we are 19 minutes closer to the Lohan interview…..

4:20 – Martin Sheen is crying, I never knew he was a Spic. I only found that out in the last few months, I thought Estevez was the mother’s maiden name…it’s not. Martin Sheen said that Oprah is one of his heros, I would have been happier if he said Lohan was his hero….she’s kinda my hero.

4:21 – It’s nice to see Martin Sheen cry about his son’s success and see his son cry about how his dad is his hero. It’s a little homo, but it is Oprah. These actors know how to work their audience. I bet Bobby gets 80% of Oprah’s audience in opening week.

4:24 – They are showing a clip…still no Lohan….not really a surprise…Lohan always lets me down like this. That whore.

4:25 – “Coming Up – Bobby Costar Lindsay Lohan is Here”….music to my ears… I gotta go stretch my typing fingers and catch my breath cuz this is going to be the hustle the intense live-blogging hustle. This post is still not funny, let’s hope I can turn things around….I just took off my shirt cuz i am sweating. This is not a very attractive look for me.

4:27 – Here we go, I just looked at my belly, I am fat. Oprah is doing some promo for the movie, I guess this was all part of the deal in getting the Lohan interview. I’d like to say that’s the only reason I am watching, but reality is I watch Oprah daily.

4:28 – Lindsay just walked on…..She’s wearing white, but she’s no virgin. She is hugging Oprah. I’d say Oprah just got Aids, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Sierra Leone hooked that shit up earlier.

4:29 – Oprah just said that she did an amazing job in this film. I always forget how disgusting Lohan’s raspy hooker voice is. The dress is semi see-through, start masturbating. Not me – cuz I can’t jerk off and if I could it wouldn’t be to lohan, that’s like eating dinner out of a shoe I found in the alley outside my house…..

4:31 – They are playing a Lohan clip….I’d say she was a real talent, but I hate lying to you….

4:32 – Oprah should ask Lohan what color underwear she’s wearing… I would make a better Oprah than Oprah.

4:33 – Lohan has horrible teeth on my TV, they aren’t as white or straight as they could be with her budget. Then again my TV is a wood veneered RCA from 1982 that we found in the garbage.

4:34 – They are talking about Lohan as a party girl, she gave some canned response about how she’s not a party girl and how she’s passionate about her work and how it’s normal for a 20 year old to go out dancing. Emilio said that she was on time, passionate and extraordinary in this film, I wonder what his motivation behind that one was, I mean this is his life’s work I am sure he isn’t trying to win an academy award….Liar. Lohan neglected to talk about the condomless sex with other celebs, the cocaine and drunk driving…Liar. I feel like they are manipulating us. COMMERCIAL…

4:37 – We’re back. Emilio is talking about his writer’s block. I have writer’s block everyday. Emilio is crying. I think he was almost suicidal in making this movie because it’s his life’s work. I think I am equally emotionally attached to this site, but I’ll never get to the level being able to buy my family birthday gifts let alone getting a movie deal and mansion in Beverly Hills or wherever Emilio lives….He’s a pussy and cries too much. Try living my life SPIC.

4:39 – Some old lady is on the show now. She has red hair. I imagine Lohan would look like this lady when she’s older, turns out Lohan plays this lady in the movie. Lohan is fake crying to show off her compassion. We all know she has no heart and if she does it’s a heart full of Syph. Why’s she being such a cunt pretending this woman’s life is so relevant to her. I know she’s really thinking about ripping lines with Steve Aoki later tonight….provided this wasn’t pre-recorded…

4:40 – Oprah’s still on. Does this show ever end. I feel like Oprah owns the media. This is a good time for Lohan to flash her box like we were in Cannes…..

4:41 – The segment’s over. That means the live-blog is over. I’m really happy they asked her all of one fucking question. This is shitty fucking journalism and I feel ripped off. The next segment is on an anorexic model who almost died starving herself. Seems like a story that will lift my spirits.

I’d apologize for the shitty post, but it’s not like anyone is reading this and remember this is unedited because editing is for girls and despite my pathetic penis, I’m no girl. But Lohan is and here she is buying underwear at Agent Provocateur – the hottest company ever.

Cuddles…


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2006

01

Sep

I am – Live Bloggin the VMAs of the Day

vmaPUSSYCAT2.jpg

Disclaimer: Do not read this – It’s Pretty fucking boring and badly written….I am only posting it because I went to all the trouble of trying to write it So here it goes…

8:00 – VMA’s are Starting. Jay Z is doing some NYC Pride intro, I guess cuz they were in Miami last year and since black people from New York are a little too proud. Either way there’s some homo dancing like he’s wearing fairy boots, I wonder if it’s K-fed. Maybe it’s Justin Timberlake. I have no idea, I am so not down with pop culture…..It is Justin Timberlake. It was my second guess, I am pretty impressed that I figured that out on my own. Damn dude sings like an angel. I wonder if this is getting his girl wet in the panties, I know every 15 year old is probably wet in their panties. That kind of comment can land me in jail. I know this Sexy Back song. It’s his new hit. Cameron is dripping right now. I sense it. Why do white boys need black dudes to make music, aren’t they confident enough in their own skills? He gave two NYC shout outs, way to work the crowd. It’s like when bands are in shitty cities and they scream “what’s up Decateur” and the whole crowd goes nuts. It’s like saying “God Bless our Troops”….Someone is taking camera phone pics…I bet they end up on myspace….they just bleeped out a swear word, Justin’s way hardcore dropping the word Mother Fucker on TV… kids are watching this shit….Nice, another NYC shout out…he just asked me to say Yeah Yeah…so here it goes YEAH YEAH. He’s Beatboxing…that’s mad fucking homo. I hate beat boxers. It’s done now. Thank god. I think I am having a heart attack.

8:07 – JT is in a robe, Jack Black in a space suit. He’s probably trying to look like the award they give out. This is pretty fucking weak. He just made a fart joke. I bet all the 15 year olds watching are laughing now. Bringing the Thunder seems to be Jack Black’s theme for the show. He keeps saying it. Now he’s singing in an Elvis suit. He just said erection. I bet 15 year olds are laughing at this one too. I don’t understand how someone so fat can be so fit. Dude’s running around and hasn’t had a heart attack. I can’t even walk up a flight of stairs without my Asthma pump… Ok I am – bored of this already. My heart’s still racing. I hope it’s indigestion and not me dying from the intensity of this show…..

8:12 – Montel Williams is here. His Mutiple Sclerosis won’t get him down. Yet….

8:13 – Lou Reed is cool shit he’s playing with The Raconteurs. I really like Lou Reed and I really like The Raconteurs. MTV gets a Thumbs Up for that one, that’s the story I heard.

8:14 – Lil Kim is trash and is walking out in prison coveralls, she just got stripped down by her fake prison guard escorts and said “the girl is back”. I didn’t even realize she was gone. She just thanked the inmates she did time with and said that you can’t keep a good bitch down. Classy. She’s a disgrace to the race. Tell your black friends and family members to call their friends in gangs and get her shot. Just a little advice if you want the blacks to win survivor….you’re only as strong as your weakest member….

8:15 – Best Male Video – Didn’t Go To Gym Ass Blast 14 – the winner is James Blunt, which is almost the same. His songs are that intense and I seem to have heard him everywhere today. He was on Oprah today.

StepRULE 8 – Oprah Knows Who Wins

BTW – I won’t make it to the end of the show. I am already bored and dying. I have taken my pulse 10 times…

8:18 – James Blunt said he’ll race you to the bar. I guess that means he’s an alcoholic. I am offended that such a talent would drink his life away. I blame his girlfriend, that Petra Tsunami Russian Bitch, she probably knows she’s too hot for him….

8:24 – Andre 3000’s got some HOT boots on, If he was a chick I’d make him wear them while I fuck him from behind. That sounded gayer than Justin Timberlake’s beatboxing….

I wonder if my clock is right…wouldn’t it be funny if all these posts were 2 or 3 minutes off, that would really fuck with some of your heads when you cross reference this against your notes – I should do that on purpose….

8:25 – I have SERIOUS indigestion/a heart attack and the screen is blurry. I need a nap….

8:27 – Fergie won. She’s in a T-shirt Dress and one of the BEP just did a flip or something. It’s like a circus up in here.

8:29 – I can smell what The Rock is cooking and it smells like shit. I just gagged, but that could have been my wife’s dirty laundry in the pile next to me….

8:30 – Shakira featuring Wyclef- Hips Don’t Lie. She’s doing some Hindu belly dance shit. I thought she was South American not a dot. She’s wearing a strapless bra. It’s hard to not want to fuck a girl that moves like that even if she’s got short stumpy legs and no tits. It looks like she’s cummin’ on stage, not that I know what female orgasm is, I used to be more of a let me finish and get the fuck the out kind of thing. If She’s all smiles cuz she knows dudes are going to be jerking off to this when it hits YouTube. I wonder if Wyclef knows that he’s balding. I blame a bad diet when he was growing up in Haiti.

8:34 Christina Aguilera’s husband has his hat on backwards and sideways, it’s perched

8:35 – Jackass guys hurt Bam. That was funny. I love the Jackass guys and Knoxville’s Popeye hat is fucking cool. You should all be wearing Popeye Hats and I know some of you already are, Posers.

Why do I bother doing this shit. No one will read this or is reading this…..

8:46 Girls in gold and green sexy outfits are dancing for Pharell and Ludacris. Now the Pussy Cat dolls are the back-up dancers. They don’t look that hot. I thought they were supposed to be in Lingerie.

8:50 – Sarah Silverman made a Lance Bass is Gay joke, Now she is saying how space travel is gay. She actually said space travel is the Liza Minelli of Travel. She would have been better off making a Sarah Silverman is not funny joke.

9:00 – Jessica Simspon is wearing a short fucking dress, I think I just saw her ass, Now I am distracted by her massive man shoulders. Looks like bitch would make a good lumberjack/trucker/she’s fucking ripped. She just “pushed her tush” and fumbled her words, all I could do was stare at her pulsating calf muscles….Pussycat Dolls just won the first and hopefully last time in their lives. Everyone deserves their 15 minutes. Except maybe you, because you are a loser. Especially if you are reading this….

9:05 – The band with the treadmill choreography video on YouTube is doing their treadmill dance live. I call this beating a dead horse. We all saw your video on Youtube dudes, we get it you can dance using treadmills….Unfortunately, no one fell on their face…they deserve

9:14 – Steve-O let a lobster clamp onto his tongue. Not that funny.

9:15 – Paris hilton is wearing a Tutu and Jack Black made a sex tape joke. She sounds like an idiot because she is one.

9:21 – Pink just won and we can see her bra. She’s mocking Paris Hilton for being a dumb bitch and that skinny cunt Nicole Richie is laughing. Pink doesn’t realize she has a penis.

9:35 – Beyonce is wearing a trench coat, vinyl booty shorts, a vinyl bra and vinyl boots that go up past her knees. One of the back-up dancers has HUGE tits. Shit. This is an intense dance. I just got myself pregnant watching it. There goes the coat. These pics will be all over the net in about 10 mins. she’s on all fours dude. This is the most Porno performance I’ve ever seen on TV.

9:50 – TI can’t speak english. He’s got his own language going on. I feel like I am watching a couple of retarded kids learning how to play baseball….I think this is how they’d act, but they wouldn’t be wearing sunglasses, they’d have safety goggles on. He goes by the name “KING” that’s pretty fucking obnoxious. Look what a platinum record does to a simple cotton picker.

9:53 – Jared Leto is wearing a scarf, gloves and make-up. It makes me feel uncomfortable. He is probably the one who gave Lohan Aids, cuz there’s no way someone who doesn’t have Aids would dress like this….

10:06 – Panic at the Disco performs. DrunkenStepSteve used to blast their music when he lived on my couch and I hated their music. Here they are dancing around in 1800s outfits. I feel like I am at a Brothel. The whore back up dancers were lifting up their skirts. The band still sucks….

10:09 – Fergie’s in a short skirt and she’s holding it down so no one sees her mangled box. I just saw panty when Little Miss Sunshine started dancing with her. She’s 10 and already learning to be a slut. Thanks MTV. Thanks Fergie.

10:15 – They just said “is Christina out of wardrobe yet”, you know what that means!!! TITTIES…..

10:20 – Britney and Kevin are doing some kind of VMA skit. There is bleeped out swearing, she asked Kevin if his smokes are up his ass and they lost their baby. I just witnessed a disaster by my standards and I don’t have standards. I wonder how proud her parents are….

10:24 – Kanye wears an Yves St Laurent T-shirt and said that the music he makes is the soundtrack to our lives…not my life….my soundtrack is a fat wife with sleep apnea. Sounds of gasping of gasping for air, snoring and death….

10:42 – X-tina performs she is wearing a red dress and no tit action. She’s dead to me.

11:08 – Al Gore just said he’s bringing sexy back! He spoke about the environment. That’s not all that sexy.

11:10 – They just cued Axl Rose. He has braids. It reminds me of a Jewish 10 year old who just got back from Family vacation to Mexico.

That’s enough for me… I am tired.
Bonus Pics of Some Blonde Trash Arriving at the Awards:

Ice T’s Coco

Brooke Hogan

Posted in:stepLIVEBloggin'|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2005

22

Jun

I am – LiveBloggin Lohan On Letterman….

Lohan is turning 19, I guess that makes her damaged goods. I know fantasies are made of 18 year old celebrity cocaine addicts, at least mine are. I like to think they aren’t really fantasies, but let’s face it what would Lohan want a 35 year old, poor, overweight mexican canadian for…I used to always get girls who wanted to piss off their dads, it was a whole rebelious thing, well Lohan doesn’t really have a dad, he’s in jail, and she wrote him off, her new date is in powdered form..so my strategy just won’t work….anyway Lohan is on Letterman, so I figured why not do a liveblog, or at least try…I have never done this before, and probably never will but this is the reason we are the home of Lohan.

11:59 – Announcer is making North Korea Jokes – Not making me laugh

12:00 – Letterman says “we’ll be right back with Lohan, my balls tingle.

12:03 – Dave introduces Loha, she walks out showing leg that slag

12:04 – Dave says she’s gorgeous, she giggles pretending she’s shocked, come on Lohan we know you think you’re hot

12:05 – Lohan is talking about her sports history, rubs her nose, talks about a bubble, not my kind of bubble

Read More of this Garbage – After the Jump….

12:05 – Dave makes a french joke, Lohan rubs nose, Lohan says the word “sore”

12:05 – Lohan says she works out, by walking and lifting, Lohan rubs nose

12:05 – She’s so smiley, rubs nose, talks about cells, and being on trampoline with siblings

12:06 – Lohan talks about being 19 and declares she has no boyfriend

12:06 – Lohan is deep, she says we are all intitled to our own opinions, even me, thanks Lohan

12:07 – Lohan says she doesn’t eat

12:07 – Lohan says she hit puberty at 17, that means she’s only had pubic hair for 2 years, must have been a tough teenage life, being the only girl who didn’t bleed

12:08 – Lohan talks about the paparazzi, and offers to chase dave – rubs nose

12:08 – Lohan is in love, she’s been hiding it for 2 months, rubs nose

12:09 – Lohan works too much, Lohan doesn’t know if she has a boyfriend, Lohan rubs nose

12:10 – Lohan doesn’t know what to do when she sees 10 cars of paparazzi, it is endagering the people, by people she means herself, she is of course the only one in her (rubs nose) world

12:11 – Lohan is creeped out by people who smirk, but not by South American de-virginizers

12:11 – Lohan has bruises, make up does wonders, but doesn’t cover up the shit stains on her face

12:12 – Commericial break, we get to see a clip when they come back – I would be hard if I wasn’t impotent

12:17 – Lohan’s back, talking about some dude named Michael, let’s pretend by Michael she means Me….oh it’s clip time, fuck dude I can’t take the anticipation, I love shitty clips of shitty movies, Lohan Rubs her fucking nose again….jesus

12:18 – Lohan rubs nose before clip, oh – it’s not a real clip it’s a joke clip, we laugh and we laugh with Lohan, Dave’s so clever. Real clip comes on, I zone out….

12:19 – it’s over now we can go back to hating ourselves…. Lohan is happy her nipple didn’t fall out of her dress like it did on Leno

Conclusion, I hate live-blogging and will never do it again…..

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