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I am – Live Bloggin the VMAs of the Day


Disclaimer: Do not read this – It’s Pretty fucking boring and badly written….I am only posting it because I went to all the trouble of trying to write it So here it goes…

8:00 – VMA’s are Starting. Jay Z is doing some NYC Pride intro, I guess cuz they were in Miami last year and since black people from New York are a little too proud. Either way there’s some homo dancing like he’s wearing fairy boots, I wonder if it’s K-fed. Maybe it’s Justin Timberlake. I have no idea, I am so not down with pop culture…..It is Justin Timberlake. It was my second guess, I am pretty impressed that I figured that out on my own. Damn dude sings like an angel. I wonder if this is getting his girl wet in the panties, I know every 15 year old is probably wet in their panties. That kind of comment can land me in jail. I know this Sexy Back song. It’s his new hit. Cameron is dripping right now. I sense it. Why do white boys need black dudes to make music, aren’t they confident enough in their own skills? He gave two NYC shout outs, way to work the crowd. It’s like when bands are in shitty cities and they scream “what’s up Decateur” and the whole crowd goes nuts. It’s like saying “God Bless our Troops”….Someone is taking camera phone pics…I bet they end up on myspace….they just bleeped out a swear word, Justin’s way hardcore dropping the word Mother Fucker on TV… kids are watching this shit….Nice, another NYC shout out…he just asked me to say Yeah Yeah…so here it goes YEAH YEAH. He’s Beatboxing…that’s mad fucking homo. I hate beat boxers. It’s done now. Thank god. I think I am having a heart attack.

8:07 – JT is in a robe, Jack Black in a space suit. He’s probably trying to look like the award they give out. This is pretty fucking weak. He just made a fart joke. I bet all the 15 year olds watching are laughing now. Bringing the Thunder seems to be Jack Black’s theme for the show. He keeps saying it. Now he’s singing in an Elvis suit. He just said erection. I bet 15 year olds are laughing at this one too. I don’t understand how someone so fat can be so fit. Dude’s running around and hasn’t had a heart attack. I can’t even walk up a flight of stairs without my Asthma pump… Ok I am – bored of this already. My heart’s still racing. I hope it’s indigestion and not me dying from the intensity of this show…..

8:12 – Montel Williams is here. His Mutiple Sclerosis won’t get him down. Yet….

8:13 – Lou Reed is cool shit he’s playing with The Raconteurs. I really like Lou Reed and I really like The Raconteurs. MTV gets a Thumbs Up for that one, that’s the story I heard.

8:14 – Lil Kim is trash and is walking out in prison coveralls, she just got stripped down by her fake prison guard escorts and said “the girl is back”. I didn’t even realize she was gone. She just thanked the inmates she did time with and said that you can’t keep a good bitch down. Classy. She’s a disgrace to the race. Tell your black friends and family members to call their friends in gangs and get her shot. Just a little advice if you want the blacks to win survivor….you’re only as strong as your weakest member….

8:15 – Best Male Video – Didn’t Go To Gym Ass Blast 14 – the winner is James Blunt, which is almost the same. His songs are that intense and I seem to have heard him everywhere today. He was on Oprah today.

StepRULE 8 – Oprah Knows Who Wins

BTW – I won’t make it to the end of the show. I am already bored and dying. I have taken my pulse 10 times…

8:18 – James Blunt said he’ll race you to the bar. I guess that means he’s an alcoholic. I am offended that such a talent would drink his life away. I blame his girlfriend, that Petra Tsunami Russian Bitch, she probably knows she’s too hot for him….

8:24 – Andre 3000’s got some HOT boots on, If he was a chick I’d make him wear them while I fuck him from behind. That sounded gayer than Justin Timberlake’s beatboxing….

I wonder if my clock is right…wouldn’t it be funny if all these posts were 2 or 3 minutes off, that would really fuck with some of your heads when you cross reference this against your notes – I should do that on purpose….

8:25 – I have SERIOUS indigestion/a heart attack and the screen is blurry. I need a nap….

8:27 – Fergie won. She’s in a T-shirt Dress and one of the BEP just did a flip or something. It’s like a circus up in here.

8:29 – I can smell what The Rock is cooking and it smells like shit. I just gagged, but that could have been my wife’s dirty laundry in the pile next to me….

8:30 – Shakira featuring Wyclef- Hips Don’t Lie. She’s doing some Hindu belly dance shit. I thought she was South American not a dot. She’s wearing a strapless bra. It’s hard to not want to fuck a girl that moves like that even if she’s got short stumpy legs and no tits. It looks like she’s cummin’ on stage, not that I know what female orgasm is, I used to be more of a let me finish and get the fuck the out kind of thing. If She’s all smiles cuz she knows dudes are going to be jerking off to this when it hits YouTube. I wonder if Wyclef knows that he’s balding. I blame a bad diet when he was growing up in Haiti.

8:34 Christina Aguilera’s husband has his hat on backwards and sideways, it’s perched

8:35 – Jackass guys hurt Bam. That was funny. I love the Jackass guys and Knoxville’s Popeye hat is fucking cool. You should all be wearing Popeye Hats and I know some of you already are, Posers.

Why do I bother doing this shit. No one will read this or is reading this…..

8:46 Girls in gold and green sexy outfits are dancing for Pharell and Ludacris. Now the Pussy Cat dolls are the back-up dancers. They don’t look that hot. I thought they were supposed to be in Lingerie.

8:50 – Sarah Silverman made a Lance Bass is Gay joke, Now she is saying how space travel is gay. She actually said space travel is the Liza Minelli of Travel. She would have been better off making a Sarah Silverman is not funny joke.

9:00 – Jessica Simspon is wearing a short fucking dress, I think I just saw her ass, Now I am distracted by her massive man shoulders. Looks like bitch would make a good lumberjack/trucker/she’s fucking ripped. She just “pushed her tush” and fumbled her words, all I could do was stare at her pulsating calf muscles….Pussycat Dolls just won the first and hopefully last time in their lives. Everyone deserves their 15 minutes. Except maybe you, because you are a loser. Especially if you are reading this….

9:05 – The band with the treadmill choreography video on YouTube is doing their treadmill dance live. I call this beating a dead horse. We all saw your video on Youtube dudes, we get it you can dance using treadmills….Unfortunately, no one fell on their face…they deserve

9:14 – Steve-O let a lobster clamp onto his tongue. Not that funny.

9:15 – Paris hilton is wearing a Tutu and Jack Black made a sex tape joke. She sounds like an idiot because she is one.

9:21 – Pink just won and we can see her bra. She’s mocking Paris Hilton for being a dumb bitch and that skinny cunt Nicole Richie is laughing. Pink doesn’t realize she has a penis.

9:35 – Beyonce is wearing a trench coat, vinyl booty shorts, a vinyl bra and vinyl boots that go up past her knees. One of the back-up dancers has HUGE tits. Shit. This is an intense dance. I just got myself pregnant watching it. There goes the coat. These pics will be all over the net in about 10 mins. she’s on all fours dude. This is the most Porno performance I’ve ever seen on TV.

9:50 – TI can’t speak english. He’s got his own language going on. I feel like I am watching a couple of retarded kids learning how to play baseball….I think this is how they’d act, but they wouldn’t be wearing sunglasses, they’d have safety goggles on. He goes by the name “KING” that’s pretty fucking obnoxious. Look what a platinum record does to a simple cotton picker.

9:53 – Jared Leto is wearing a scarf, gloves and make-up. It makes me feel uncomfortable. He is probably the one who gave Lohan Aids, cuz there’s no way someone who doesn’t have Aids would dress like this….

10:06 – Panic at the Disco performs. DrunkenStepSteve used to blast their music when he lived on my couch and I hated their music. Here they are dancing around in 1800s outfits. I feel like I am at a Brothel. The whore back up dancers were lifting up their skirts. The band still sucks….

10:09 – Fergie’s in a short skirt and she’s holding it down so no one sees her mangled box. I just saw panty when Little Miss Sunshine started dancing with her. She’s 10 and already learning to be a slut. Thanks MTV. Thanks Fergie.

10:15 – They just said “is Christina out of wardrobe yet”, you know what that means!!! TITTIES…..

10:20 – Britney and Kevin are doing some kind of VMA skit. There is bleeped out swearing, she asked Kevin if his smokes are up his ass and they lost their baby. I just witnessed a disaster by my standards and I don’t have standards. I wonder how proud her parents are….

10:24 – Kanye wears an Yves St Laurent T-shirt and said that the music he makes is the soundtrack to our lives…not my life….my soundtrack is a fat wife with sleep apnea. Sounds of gasping of gasping for air, snoring and death….

10:42 – X-tina performs she is wearing a red dress and no tit action. She’s dead to me.

11:08 – Al Gore just said he’s bringing sexy back! He spoke about the environment. That’s not all that sexy.

11:10 – They just cued Axl Rose. He has braids. It reminds me of a Jewish 10 year old who just got back from Family vacation to Mexico.

That’s enough for me… I am tired.
Bonus Pics of Some Blonde Trash Arriving at the Awards:

Ice T’s Coco

Brooke Hogan

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