Eva Longoria is in Europe preparing for her wedding or getting married or on her honeymoon or for some reason that doesn’t really matter because whatever she’s doing, she’s rocking a bikini. I was never a big fan of Eva Longoria, probably because I am Mexican and I am not into my own kind. All I see when I look at her is my grandmother, a short stalky bitch making tortillas for her 8 kids in our ratty ass kitchen when I was 5. I just assume that’s where Longoria will end up and although I loved my grandmother, I never really wanted to marry her or bang her if you know what I mean.

I used to hang out with this black dude who was stealing money from the store he was night manager at. He used to take us out to stripclubs every single night and pay for everything. He told us that his mother had died and left him a couple hundred thousand dollars and that he wanted to spend it on having a good time. I didn’t feel guilty about letting him blow all his money on us because I figured I was therapeutic to him and if you want my company you just have to take me to the strippers. Either way, I am not a heartless asshole and when dude finally got arrested I felt relieved that the money he was spending wasn’t his to begin with, it made all those drunken nights a lot more fun to be a part of because the guilt was gone.

Anyway, dude used to get so fucking mad when black strippers would get up on stage. He wanted more out of his people and thought they were just living a cliche. The condition of going out with him was to pay no attention to the black strippers because shit personally offended him. I feel the same way about Longoria, she’s a disgrace to our people but at least she’s rockin’ a camel toe showing off that her taco isn’t as meaty as the tacos she grew up on.

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