8 pm – Frank Sinatra opens the ceremony even though he’s dead. Then Alicia Keys starts singing with him and telling him to “take over Frank” and to “Sing it Frank” all even though motherfucker is dead. I always get creeped the fuck out when people do performances with dead people. It reminds me of some kind of horror movie where I expect the motherfucker to climb out of the screen and eat her brain, at least that’s what I wish would happen because it would have made a lot more sense and been a lot more entertaining that seeing Alicia Keys sing to some giant TV screen, like the time I used to watch porn and try to direct it by yelling at the whores on my screen. They never really listened but at least they weren’t dead people, just dead on the inside, but that’s why they got into porn to begin with.

Either way, I think this shit is about as tasteless and offensive as it gets…I guess her tits busting out of her dress make it easier to stomach.

8:06 pm – Carrie Underwood is performing in some shorts showing off her legs – I just can’t focus because she has some STOMP shit going on in the background where these assholes are smashing random garbage with metal pipes. I guess that’s how you make music when you’re poor, not that Carrie Underwood is poor, but I am sure she was and this is something she learned out on the field when her parents couldn’t hook her up with real toys and just gave her rocks and a piece of sheet metal. She’s got a whole lot of sock on, unless those are boots. I feel like I am a strip show where the strippers don’t strip…but sing stupid overplayed songs with leg warmers on.

8:10 pm – Prince presents best RNB Perfromance to Alicia Keys and looks like her could climb up her like it was a Jungle Gym. I am not just saying that cuz she’s black. You racist. Jungles are for everyone….

8:20 pm – Rihanna’s performance got opened by some Different World Dwayne Wayne shit I didn’t understand because I was in the kitchen trying to make a sandwich with old chicken bologna I bought on sale for 75 cents. I’d Still fuck the fat off those chicken legs…even if she does lame medley’s of her top songs because that just means she’s trying to keep everyone happy and that means she’s the kind of girl who likes to satisfy her man to get what she wants. Just ask Jay z. Please just stop the music this performance sucked

8:25 pm – Tom Hanks is talking some Beatles shit that I assume is the Cirque du Soliel from the Vegas show. The thing I like about the Cirque du Soliel is that the founder was some street performing addict in Montreal who got organized with his freaky friends and put on what’s become the biggest deal in circuses. I’ve never seen one but I do know that dude now throws the craziest drug fueled parties in his Montreal mansion and his baby momma is some ex model addicted to coke who fucks the world. True story – it’s local gossip. I hope he doesn’t get mad and send his acrobats on me. I can’t deal with seeing weirdos cartwheeling me to my death before turning into human pretzels and backflipping out of my shitty apartment….

8:30 pm – This young dude from that movie where Marliyn Manson’s 19 year old wife sings like a clown is in is doing a Beatles performance. This black dude can sing and needs to get signed onto a label to do some kind of gangster rap shit….like the next Akon. Sure beats singing around the camp fire back in Africa or an Oil Drum fire back home in the projects….

8:45 pm – Kanye is performing with Daft Punk. I used to listen to Daft Punk in the 90s. He’s wearing some weird glowing glasses and weird glowing hoody basically ripping off the Daft Punk concert I happened to walk into last summer because someone gave me free tickets…..Oh now Daft punk is wearing their Tron suits they wore at their concert. I guess you gotta give Kanye credit for trying to tap into the hipster dance market. I don’t see why this is supposed to be so emotionally charged. We get it his mom died. Get over it people.

Now he’s singing some tribute to his mom…shouldn’t he save this shit for the privacy of his own home or something, or maybe her funeral ceremony from months ago. I don’t want to see people singing to dead relatives…this is some ceremonial shit that should be for friends and family, not the world because last time I checked I don’t give a fuck about Kanye or his losses. It’s nice to see that he has Mama shaved into his head. I feel like his mom died as a PR move for him….to get him this kind of publicity so that he could milk this Mama shit……The girl who auditioned for American Idol who’s dad died the day before was better than this…

8:52 pm – Kanye hour is finally over and now Fergie is singing what must be a theme song to a straight to video Disney spinoff movie or some shit. It’s a disaster but not as much of a disaster as her face…..that was a weak joke…but the Grammy’s stole my soul so with no soul comes no jokes. Deal with it.

8:58 pm – I am going to the bathroom and brought my computer with me. Aren’t you glad we got to share this moment together? I am but I don’t have a camera to show you what I made….

9:03 pm – Cher is presenting something and I think I just saw her testicles hanging off her chin…..So Here’s the Beyonce doing some kind of spoken word shit in a leotard showing some some pussy definition….talking about all kinds of black singers of all time for black history month…this is too art faggy for me.

9:05 pm – Boom there’s Tina Turner…..she’s got a cool voice….and by cool voice I mean nipples that pierce through her metallic top harder than her old lady’s heart is working to keep her from falling over….Now she’s performing with Beyonce and her annoying spoken word art fag voice….if only Ike was still alive to beat her the fuck up now….Beyonce looks like she ate Tina Turner…even at 65 Tina is still has more sex appeal and talent than Beyonce. Beyonce’s fatness is all out of breath struggling to keep up with Tina…this is hysterical…..This is like having a 2 on 1 with your wife with your friend who has a dick double your size…it’s like deliberately embarrassing your sub-par self like you’re on some kind of suicide mission…So it turns out Tina can’t kick – but it’s funny to watch.

9:21 pm – The Foo Fighters are performing outside for the people….and they just gave some no name asian with big tits the chance to play with them – a dream many of you may have but will never live out….because big breasted asians are hard to find….especially ones with an electric violin….

9:33 pm – George Lopez made an embarrassing Mexican for Vice President joke….and introduces some shitty country singer…this is the reason everyone says they hate country and Mexicans….thanks asshole….

9:40 pm – Kanye is doing some kind of speech about how he deserves the award and when he does his speech for his dead mom he demanded the music telling him to shut the fuck up be turned off because it would be in “good taste” or some shit. Shut the fuck up Kanye. No one cares about your bullshit sob story. We know you have an ego and think you’re the best because your mom coddled you or someshit but trying to make us feel guilty for not listening to you and wanting you off stage is a little fucking self-righteous. You should be using this venue to tell us all something interesting like about your sexual conquests on tour….because I know I like hearing about groupies….

9:43 pm – Aretha Franklin is singling some music for god…I find that shit inappropriate. Keep your religious views at home next to your chocolate, chips, cookies and cakes you fat pig. If I wanted to watch a fat chick sing, I’d just ask my wife to sing me happy birthday while stuffing her face with cake like she always does even when it’s no one’s birthday, bitch just loves cake….

9:57 pm – Canadian Feist bored me with her song that is on all kinds of commercials.

10:01 pm – Kid Rock is making inappropriate sex jokes with some grandmother Vaudeville lookin’ performer from the 50s, I guess after fucking Pamela Anderson, this is a step up because at least this bitch’s pussy has seen less hepatitis cock and her pussy is tighter….

10:15 pm – I am bored but Vince Gill just made fun of Kanye West after Alicia Keys performed in spandex with John Mayer who fucked Jessica Simpson – In Case you were wondering…

10:25 pm – I want to shoot myself and the song I am going to slowly and painfully die to is going to be Herbie Hancock and some weird China man and their orchestra…I guess that is slowly and painfully dying alone….

Wow – that bought them what felt like a lot of fucking time……I guess I am not very cultured to appreciate this. I seriously can’t stomach this kind of shit….whether these dudes are talent or not, they are boring the fuck out of me….

10:34 pm – Rihanna beat out Kanye and is walking Beyonce’s man on stage hand in hand, which is one step away from sucking his dick in the recording studio….Jay Z is telling her what to say because he pretty much owns this bitch. I think the funny thing about their dynamic is that Jay Z pretty much found his girlfriend’s replacement. He is responsible for making Beyonce pretty much obsolete….He brought her to fame after finding her in Barbados rolling around in the sand eating bananas, not because she’s black but because she’s tropical and people in the Caribbean love fruit. You’d fit in great, except for you being a fucking racist.

10:40 pm – I just farted. I hate fart jokes or talking about farting but I smell like death and feel like something inside me is dying…probably my liver…and I feel like sharing that with you because everyone else around me just cleared out of the room.

10:41 – Speaking of the smell of death – Amy winehouse is performing. They hyped this shit up hard – Her fake hair is on and she remembers the words this time. I don’t get this girl she’s a drug addict jew and sings like she’s a southern black girl…Maybe it’s some past life shit but maybe it’s because the jews were also oppressed by the white man…. I love how she’s singing out of the side of her mouth like some kind of cowboy chewing tobacco…I guess it’s her kind of tribute to her drug addict homie Heath Ledger….kinda like gangsters pouring some 40 on the sidewalk for their fallen brothers…

She’s singing her rehab song – because she’s ironic…I just wonder what she’s hiding up her skinny legs….She’s the classiest performer of the night and people love her. So fuck you to whoever said drugs are bad….apparently they win you some Grammy’s…..

10:48 pm – They are honoring Dorris Day. This is when I turn the fuckin’ TV off. Peace out Grammy Awards and all the depressing thoughts you made run through my head as I sit on my couch….ha Amy Winehouse won the grammy – she’s a superstar…..I hope she parties hard to celebrate that she proved addiction works for some people….

Now I am going to go drink the pain the Grammy’s brought to me life away…If you read all this, you are insane but I appreciate it because I’d never read this shit…..

Posted in:Grammy Awards|Live Blogging