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I am – Audrina Partridge from the Hills in her Bikini of the Day

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I have never watched The Hills, mainly because I have a penis…and because I am not a 13 year old girl or some kind of homosexual, even though homosexuals seem to be popping up everywhere. It’s like it’s really cool to be gay or someshit. When I was younger, faggots would stay in the closet for fear of people hating them or bashing them, so they’d get married have kids be miserable through the 90s, sneak out on “business trips” and brokeback mountain camping trips, give their wife AIDS then by the time the year 2000 hit, Gay becomes cool, Tom leaves his wife for some dude, she’s devastated and has AIDS, his kids get all fucked up, his daughter disowns men and starts eating box and his son becomes a tranny and the gay movement continues because all these gay kids have gay fathers and it becomes one big “Gay is Okay and socially accepted and it’s wrong to beat up fags and drag them behind pick-up trucks or leave them in ditches to die because we hate gays” party and I guess that’s okay because it’s natures way of population control and because without fags we wouldn’t have bull-dykes and I love getting dirty looks from bull-dykes who hate me for having a penis, it makes me feel like I am an animal in the jungle and she’s about either going pounce and rip my penis off and shove it down my throat, or invite me to go camping at the Vegan conference…

I went to a bar the other night, that used to be a dive and I hadn’t been for a while. I got drunk and realized that 80 percent of the men were poofters, and although the place was filled with chicks who were obviously too good looking to talk to me, they were all dancing on their tables and shit with dudes who thought they were Britney Spears and I felt like the place had turned into a gay bar. so I got drunk because that’s really the only time I feel good.

The point of all this is to say that I don’t watch The Hills….it’s about rich sluts from California that everyone fell in love with when they were in high school, it was scripted reality TV and this bitch Audrina Partridge, who I’ve never heard of, is one of them Now she’s on your screen in a bikini….have fun because her body is pretty tight, her razor burn hot and I’d totally do her.

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