t’s Monday and things are moving fucking slow…I really haven’t got anything interesting to say, but then again, I never really do. I was thinking about writing about the girl who made me lunch and her new found born again virginity or her co-worker who was talking about how she wants to film herself banging her boyfriend but doesn’t want to see herself in compromising positions, but figured that wasn’t an amazing story. It is pretty much the only excursion I have gone on all day and the rest of the time was spent here on the couch….

I do think that my wave of success has tsunamied a village, meaning it’s done and it’s gone. I always get emotionally attached to getting lots of traffic, emails, interest from other sites, but it usually comes in waves and ends abruptly. Today, I am no longer being linked around the internet and my dreams of fame are washed away, but at least I have you….

In efforts to keep you happy, because I really care about what you think, I bring you my links…

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My site still sucks. I left to take my stepdaughter to the dollar cinema because it was her Valentine’s Day Gift. It cost me 2 dollars so don’t think I am rollin’ in it cuz I am takin’ my girls to luxurious places the whole night cost me $2. One the way I came across a solid Daydream video as I watched some homeless lookin’ motherfucker digging through the bags outside the Salvation Army. That homeless lookin’ motherfucker was me. When I got home, if you can call this rat hole a home, I saw that the site was down and it made me cry on the inside. You’d think after 5 days of hell, I be able to deal with it, but it’s just a constant struggle.

On a positive note the stripper who I tried pimping out for a date about a month ago and who blocked me from IM about a day less than a month ago, messaged me to tell me the site wasn’t working for her. It’s nice to see this crisis bringing people together. It’s like the tsunami in this motherfucker…now stop trying to steal my jokes.

Here are my links…CUDDLES.

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My site’s been down for 5 days, but I still post. I have nothing better to do like that. I haven’t got new email in about 3 days, it just goes to show you how easily people give up on you when your site doesn’t work, not that you’d know because you don’t have a website, you just have a lot of time on your hand….So, I guess I know how Aniston feels now that he ex-husband left her for a hotter piece of ass and her last boyfriend left her for a box of donuts and pack of cigarettes. It’s all really just hearsay and by hearsay I mean my insanity. I don’t have any inside scoop, I just make it all up, but you read it, so you’re really the weird one here…actually you don’t, you just look at the pics like a retarded kid at the library…

That’s the post.

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The whole Lohan in rehab story depressed me because I like my bitches sedated, it makes them a lot easier to deal with when I tell them that I just fucked their sister, not that that’s ever really happened to me. But my friend RayRay, who has serious mental issues and brain damage from doing too many drugs when he was younger told me a story about how he fucked two sisters. They were siamese twins that he met at some rehab center when he had his foot amputated. He did the one he had a thing for one night while drunk but kept sticking his fingers in the other one who was trying to sleep while her sister whored out. RayRay is a hero in this story, most guys aren’t desperate enough to ignore the fact that they were siamese twins, but you aren’t…it’s okay to be lonely.

EIther way, here is Lohan lookin like a dumpy piece of shit on the set of her movie where she plays a stripper. Obviously a foreshadow of what is to come and her prior addiction has given her the skills needed to let me grab her tits for 10 dollars. Let’s watch the demise, it’s a more interesting than American Idol.

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I am listening to french rap in honor of these sluts. They are in France right now because it is Fashion Week. It’s just an example of the luxury being a little rich kid offers. I remember a couple of months ago this high end stripper came to town for a special show, I don’t remember what her name was but the show cost about 10 dollars to see and I couldn’t pull it off because I am poor. It was just down the street from where I am living so you can imagine how pissed off I was when I saw these whores galavanting around the world like they are important or some shit.

On a side note, I read that they made 40,000,000 dollars this year, that’s a lot of shitty quality K-Mart smut peddling to tween girls…I tried peddling smut at K-Mart years ago, but it just got me arrested.

You’d think that having 40,000,000 dollars, would give you the luxury of buying a pair of pantyhose that doesn’t make you look like a streeth whore, but reality is that looking like a beaten down street whore is sexy and if I had 40,000,000 dollars, I would still rock my soiled sweatpants, they are pretty much a part of me. Literally. (admit you love literally jokes)

On another sidenote, I remember a time when these cunts were underage and every motherfucker except for me were all up on their shit counting the days down to legality, like they really had a chance to ever stuff them like a turkey. Either way, I never quite understood that fantasy, there are way hotter underage girls who are poor and have daddy issues who would totally let you tell them what to do and let you do whatever you want to them. Rich girls are too hard to deal with, aim lower motherfucker.

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I was at some hip hop karaoke event tonight because some asshole I know was trying to videotape it. He’s not actually an asshole, he’s done some nice things for me, like told me that my site sucks and refused to do video shoots for it, but he still brought me out with him and even gave me a lift home and bought me 6 beers, it was 2 for one night and I am all about being a mooch because I feel like you mooch off of me everyday, even though I don’t know what you are mooching, it’s kinda like a leech sucking the blood out of a fag with AIDS….

Either way the shit was low budget, the dude who hosted it was named Guido and was more of a Bar Mitzvah type of entertainer than a thug and he was rockin’ the running man and dropping really bad stand-up comedy which is funnier than good stand up comedy where I am from….Lots of dudes went up on stage and tried rapping. The lyrics were pretty lowtech and printed on paper and not on a screen so I felt like I was watching highschool science fair presentations….without the hot highschool uniforms.

Point of this was to say this hot slut was dancing around like a fool and I was watching her because I am a pervert. From the back she was banging then I went back to drinking and saw her from the front and she was banging. I sat back down and looked up and she was about 3 feet thick. I didn’t understand it, slim from the front, hot from the back and a fat ass from the site. It was like bitch was a fridge box or someshit….and it made me sad.

Here are some pics of preggers Tori Spelling looking like shit from the front, back and the side..and that’s my review of tonight’s activities. One of my best posts yet, I don’t care what you think….and obviously either does Tori, bitch found out she was knocked up and was like “finally the chance to eat all the fucking ice cream I can find”…I’d still fuck her, but I like girls who I know let dudes dump inside them….

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This is a video of Eliza Dushku’s ass in a thong. It’s all compressed weird and you’re just going to have to deal with it because this is drunkenstepfather and it’s not an internet place for quality….it’s actually not a real life place for quality either. I dropped my ashtray on the ground 5 days ago because I wanted to see how long it would take my wife to clean it up…and the shit is still all over the motherfucking room, only now there are footprints through it. I should have realized that bitch is too fat to bend over, her knees will give out or someshit, but it’s just an example of the conditions I have to put up with, so a little outdated clip of some celebrities ass shouldn’t look so bad…at least it doesn’t in my eyes and I guess that’s all that counts because I hate you.

Here are some more old pics of her adjusting her tit, because let’s face it, I am a fan of tits because I hate you…

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This is a video of Eliza Dushku’s ass in a thong. It’s all compressed weird and you’re just going to have to deal with it because this is drunkenstepfather and it’s not an internet place for quality….it’s actually not a real life place for quality either. I dropped my ashtray on the ground 5 days ago because I wanted to see how long it would take my wife to clean it up…and the shit is still all over the motherfucking room, only now there are footprints through it. I should have realized that bitch is too fat to bend over, her knees will give out or someshit, but it’s just an example of the conditions I have to put up with, so a little outdated clip of some celebrities ass shouldn’t look so bad…at least it doesn’t in my eyes and I guess that’s all that counts because I hate you.

Here are some more old pics of her adjusting her tit, because let’s face it, I am a fan of tits because I hate you…

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I guess the biggest fucking joke in all this is that people are telling me the reason my site keeps crashing is because I have too many readers. I guess the reality behind this joke that makes it funny is that I really only have 15 people who actually read what I write. The rest of you just come for the pictures and to jerk off.

I am not crying for attention, I am just crying for a site that works, because I know when I wake up at noon tomorrow the motherfucker will be down again…

If I had as much traffic as people are telling me, I would have been able to afford some fucking dinner for my family tonight. Instead it was Ramen Noodles. My wife at 10 packs, it’s not her fault she’s got a lot of woman to feed and that’s the end of this post.

Here are my links….

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I have just applied for a job at celebrity blog thesuperficial.com because I think it would be funny to get hired and do everything I can to bring them down while making some money off writing for the first time in my life. I’ll let you know if I get the job.

This is the bio I wrote about myself:

Jesus Martinez is the top celebrity blogger on the internet according to him. With a loyal fan base of 12 he brings the latest in celebrity gossip, nipple slips and vagina shots Hollywood has to offer. There was a time in Jesus Martinez’s life where he spent his days drunk and high and this life experience is reflected in his work.

There is no competition. He is better than anyone else including whoever the cunt you currently have writing your site. You should take advantage of the fact that he is broke, desperate for money and ready to start getting paid for his craft.

Jesus Martinez likes girls who have webcams, the color yellow and all things that involve self medicating. He is an emotional eater like the fat girl in your highschool and always wanted to be a professional ice fisherman, but could never find the ice.

Help Jesus Martinez find the ice.

Jesus Martinez also loves sitting, has an old TV he found in the trash and often finds himself watching Oprah on the one channel he gets.

Jesus Martinez married late in life to a lonely obese women with 2 stepdaughters but that doesn’t mean he can’t have a goodtime. Just last week he got caught spying on his neighbor in the shower, he won’t admit that he was in the wrong because she left her bathroom door unlocked. The police were never called.

Recently Myspace deleted his profile because he wrote about Female Ejaculation and how his life goal was to package it at sell it at every convenience store across America. It was intended to be the next big thing in energy drinks but he could never land the funding.

His last employer was at a local canning plant, where Jesus made sure the labels were on straight, but he got fired for trying to convince the receptionist to insert a can of peas in her ass and a can of creamed corn in her pussy.

Always an innovator and willing to work as hard as it takes, provided it takes less than 6-8 minutes a day.

Jesus Martinez’s website is currently the number one result for Bijou Phillips Aids, number one result for Kim Kardashian Pussy and the number 2 result of American Idol Blowjob all in Google.

Jesus Martinez has live blogged such high profile events as the Academy Awards, the American Music Awards and Lohan’s Appearance on Letterman.

He has also stepINTERVIEWED people like Montgomery Moose, Myspace Girl in a Bikini and the DJ in a picture with Lohan.

The success doesn’t end there, he has also personally stalked Lindsay Lohan as well as made numerous harassing phone calls to Paris Hilton and the guy who runs the cigar shop down the street who tried to rip him off, but he never chose to publish that, it was too close to his heart.

If you are looking for passion, good times and a grasp on all thing better than you, he is your man. The virgin chronic masturbating readers you currently cater to will find joy in his work.

If you’re looking for an article I wrote for a magazine that never got published check this out GO (It’s called how to have free sex with a hooker and it’s from 2 years ago)

That’s enough bigging myself up, my site is a piece of shit and so are you for reading it. I suck at life and it’s just funny to pretend I am a star for a few minutes…A lot like Jessica Simspon. Jessica is like a shit rainbow, many shades of brown…nice and ratty out and about fresh out of waking up in the gutter, just the way I like my women….but only because those were always the only kind of girl I could land.

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