Walking her dog in a dress and heels makes Mariah look like an escort. The difference between an escort and a whore, is that the escort doesn’t realize that she’s a whore. They charge 500 dollars and hour and wear expensive dresses and accompany business men to functions. They always end up fucking their clients and somehow walk away, a thousand dollars richer, but in denial of the fact that they just sucked cock for money.

Mariah’s broad shoulders and ripped arms remind me of a stint I had as a doorman at some tranny bar. There was one routine they called the Diva Show and 4 “girls” would get up on stage to sing dressed like Celine, Whitney, Madonna and Mariah. The point was that the man Mariah looked like a better fuck than the feces that is Mariah in these pics. Point is, she’s washed up, she’s holding onto a dream and should pack her Luis Vuitton luggage and move on with her life.

At least her dog loves her. That’s more than I can say for myself.

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These are the links I chose. These are the links you re going to hate and complain about. I am glad we experienced this together. It’s like we are finally a family. That’s the story I heard…..I think I went way too far with the Lohan Stalker post. I will lose my 10 readers. Bye guys….I always alienate myself like this….

Paris Hilton let’s the crabs go to sea in her new Video – Funny

Jodie Marsh Topless in Some Magazine

Links to things most people will appreciate (handjobs, lesbians, shoe shopping w/no panties) -Sexy

Tenacious D are Fucking Losers Who Shouldn’t Have ANY Level of Fame.

A memo from Oprah about World Domination or Something Equally Boring

This one’s for the lesbian: Janice Dickenson’s Sex Life Exposed

Shea Hess, She’s Talking About TV and All I want to do is Knock her Up

Short Shorts, RollerBlades and Cameltoe

Naked Beach Girls – Looks like Shit on my Computer

Stepfather Impregnates Girl With a Syringe – (not me)‘

Britney Spears Montage – From Good To Bad

Naomi Watt’s Got Hard Nipples

Brad Pitt’s baby With the Whore Homewrecker We Call Mom – I mean Angelina

Maxim Magazine’s Got Some Found Porn….

Vice Brought Back the Gross Jar – Probably Their Ony Decent Feature Ever

Jewish Parents are FUCKING Unbelievable…This is Why I Love Bangin’ Their Daughters

Myspace Band of the Day…Amazing Music…By Amazing People….

This Scared the Fuck Out of Me (Last Night’s Party)

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So Michael Bolton is banging Nicolette Sheridan….that’s the story I heard. I got a thing against bitches over 40 and that thing is that they aren’t 20. Anything under 20 can get pretty annoying. I was out a couple of weeks ago and got stuck at a table with a bunch of 18 year old rich kids. I didn’t really say that much to any of them, I think they were scared of me because I wanted to bang them all and I don’t have a good poker face. I never liked card games. I am that guy on the bus who sees a hot bitch and starts jerking off behind my breifcase for only her to see, only I don’t have a breifcase. I forgot where I was going with this…oh yeah…18 year old girls are just getting into the dating game so they end up leading a lot of guys on to get free meals and drinks, because they like the attention. I guess that isn’t that funny. At all….But Michael Bolton always makes me laugh.

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So Michael Bolton is banging Nicolette Sheridan….that’s the story I heard. I got a thing against bitches over 40 and that thing is that they aren’t 20. Anything under 20 can get pretty annoying. I was out a couple of weeks ago and got stuck at a table with a bunch of 18 year old rich kids. I didn’t really say that much to any of them, I think they were scared of me because I wanted to bang them all and I don’t have a good poker face. I never liked card games. I am that guy on the bus who sees a hot bitch and starts jerking off behind my breifcase for only her to see, only I don’t have a breifcase. I forgot where I was going with this…oh yeah…18 year old girls are just getting into the dating game so they end up leading a lot of guys on to get free meals and drinks, because they like the attention. I guess that isn’t that funny. At all….But Michael Bolton always makes me laugh.

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Apparently Molly Ringwald gets laid, even though she’s a redhead. I know I didn’t think redheads had sex either. I am thinking that maybe all this happend in some kind of drunken rage, becasue let’s face it even ugly chicks get laid sometimes but then upon further investigation, because let’s face it, I am an investigator, she’s married to this guy, Panio Gianopoulos. I wonder if he’s greek. I’m trying to figure out the reason they are together and what he sees in her and all I can think about is that motherfucker used to jerk off to Pretty in Pink or 16 Candles or Breakfast Club or any other smut that she’s been in, because everything you can jerk off to it is smut….meaning for some of you family photos of dead relatives in bikinis is smut.

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Apparently Molly Ringwald gets laid, even though she’s a redhead. I know I didn’t think redheads had sex either. I am thinking that maybe all this happend in some kind of drunken rage, becasue let’s face it even ugly chicks get laid sometimes but then upon further investigation, because let’s face it, I am an investigator, she’s married to this guy, Panio Gianopoulos. I wonder if he’s greek. I’m trying to figure out the reason they are together and what he sees in her and all I can think about is that motherfucker used to jerk off to Pretty in Pink or 16 Candles or Breakfast Club or any other smut that she’s been in, because everything you can jerk off to it is smut….meaning for some of you family photos of dead relatives in bikinis is smut.

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Here’s Grover’s stepMUSIC post of the day that I had nothing to do with writing…..

I was playing pool last night at the local watering hole and on came Rod Stewart’s “Mandolin Wind.â€? It would have been more appropriate if “Maggie Mayâ€? came on with the whole “make a living out of playing poolâ€? line, but oh well, you probably don’t know Rod Stewart lyrics as well as I do.

Rod Stewart is perhaps one of the lamest dudes of all time, but there was stint in the 60’s and 70’s when he was rad. He just had that look you want in a rockstar. He was in The Faces and then had a few great solo records. One of them, Every Picture Tells A Story has a bunch of amazing songs that Stewart’s whiskey stained voice soars on. I hate buying his albums because I know his money goes to that cunt faced daughter of his.

Songs from Every Picture Tells A Story (Right Click – Save Target As)

Rod Stewart – “Mandolin Windâ€?

Rod Stewart – “Maggie Mayâ€?

Rod Stewart – “That’s All Rightâ€?

Rod Stewart – “Reason To Believeâ€?

Bonus: Rachel Hunter, Rod’s Ex Wife House Shopping with for a house in Manhatten Beach. This house is 2.1 Million Dollars. This is what celebs do when they are bored and yes that’s her daughter and 14 is legal in Canada.

Another Bonus: Kimmy Stewart was Rachel Hunter’s stepdaughter and is out for breakfast with Colum Best(?). Breakfast means he’s fucking her. Fucking her means he’s probably got an STD.

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This is what Paris Hilton looks like leaving the gym. As a fat man, I have no idea what happens inside a gym, or what is considered to be stylish gym apparel. I find the tri-color leopard print as classy as Brooke Hogan. But what the fuck do I know. I remember in elementary school, we had a lunch monitor who is probably the reason I am the way I am. She used to rock the tightest jeans, highest heels, tons of make-up, low cut shirts and bleached blond hair. A total fucking pornstar of a woman. She had a weird kid with a mullet who was in my school and a husband who wore leather pants. Shehad lots of animal print outfits. The family reminded me of Busch Gardens.

That’s the story I heard.

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I remember the mid 90’s like they were 10 years ago. I was drunk all the fucking time and had a great time doing whatever the fuck I did. I remember getting kicked out of a lot of bars and slammin a lot of college ass, because although not actually enrolled in any college, walking around campus and goin to all their useless parties was not against the rules. Point of the story is that in the 90s Oasis were a huge band, I hated them. All Saints were a huge band, I wanted to fuck them and a lot of other shit music was being pumped here from England. Turns out the dude from Oasis married and knocked up the girl from All Saints and this is how they vacation in the beginning of June, on a fucking million dollar sail boat. Funny how all you other fuckers are working 40 hours a week 49 weeks a year for your shitty salary to save up for your shitty vacation camping in the woods just upstate. Keep telling yourself that you love your life. Asshole.

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So her name is Kim Kardashian . Which means one thing. She’s Armenian. The only reason I know that is because my lawyer is Armenian and his name ends in “ian”. I used to have a big breasted internet girlfriend who was Armenian too and her name ended in “ian”. I also used to talk to another celebrity blog for about a minute, and they were all Armenian. Their names all ended in “ian” too. I guess I could be wrong, it’s happened before.

On a side note, I used to have a friend named Ian. He wasn’t Armenian. He was white and lived with his mom in a rich part of town. Ian was a really cool guy but had middle child syndrome and that led to a bit of a drug problem. Dude knew the pharmaceutical encyclopedia better than the pharmacist at the pharmacy we worked at together. Ian was a recovering heroin addict when I met him, but felt the need to talk about heroin every fucking day. Ian started coming out to bars with me and getting shit wasted with me and he’d start missing the heroin, but had told himself that he wouldn’t touch the shit. So every night we’d be out and Ian would disappear….I’d hear from him 3 days later only to find out that he went out on a coke binge. Not coke like you and your friends are doing. Motherfucker would shoot it up.

Point of the story is that Ian was a good friend of mine, and shooting cocaine became more and more regular and he had 12 prescriptions from 6 pharmacies and 12 doctores for sleeping pills for when he was coming down, and he’d show up at work all busted up and half dead, and that’s when I started to stop hanging out with him. It’s hard to mack bitches at bars when your partner in crime is in the corner convulsing/drooling or whatever it is that he did. So Ian’s not living in rich part of town anymore, he died when he was 26.

On that note, here’s Nick Lachey’s new girlfriend. Brown and exotic just like my shit after I eat a pineapple.

Cuddles..

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