I don’t know what happened to this girl. She had one of the hottest dance tunes a few years ago, but was never a very good singer, she was just good at crawling around on the floor half naked. I remember her being one of those triple threat people who sing, act, dance and do whatever the third threat is, but I guess she wasn’t very good at any of those things because she kinda fell off the map.

I can relate, because I am not very good at much. I remember talking to a friend who only bagged virgins because he was one of those weird people with a weird complex about girls who had had dick in them before him. I told him that I don’t take virginities, i make virginity – the born again kind – because girls want nothing to do with penis ever again after they get with me. I’m just that bad. It’s 2008 and I guess that’s a good story to start it off with.

Here are those pictures of Christina Milian in her bikini because it is one thing I think she’s pretty good at.

And Now The Candids….

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These are some Leelee Sobieski pictures of her in a bikini top from last week because I’ve been drinking all week and haven’t really been on top of my game but I guess it’s 2008 and now I have a responsibility to perform, unlike Leelee Sobieski, who I don’t think has has had any work in the last 5 years, but at least she’s showing off her tits, because tits are always worth lookin’ at, even if they are on someone useless, we can always find a use out of them.

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Here are some pictures of Jessica Alba’s pregnant ass to ring in the new year. I figure it’s one of the last times you’ll be able to jerk off to her because soon she’ll be a bloated mess that even her baby daddy won’t want to get up inside.

Speaking of jerking off, I was at a party the other day and I ran into some photographer who was chatting up a girl. The dude takes pretty sleazy erotic pictures of chicks and posts them online but considers himself an artist and not a pornographer. When I walked up to him as he chatted up a chick, I told him that I wanted to get invited to his next shoot so that I could stand in the corner and jerk off when it goes down, instead of jerking off to it on the computer. I was just trying to say that the real deal is probably more exciting than the photo evidence. Anyway, the girl he was with turned to me and called me a fucking creep for making my request, meanwhile dude she’s with actually gets the girls naked and takes pictures of them in obscure places for people to jerk off to and doesn’t even pay them.

I guess can’t live down my reputation and either can Jessica Alba now that we know that she has unprotected sex, gets knocked up and keeps the baby to use as a tool to keep her boyfriend because everyone knows abortions exist for a fuckin’ reason and if she cared about us, she woulda got one, at least she’s still covering her face because she’s still ashamed of herself.

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I may be drunk…but I think 2008 is my year and I hope it’s your year too. I may act like I don’t appreciate you, but I do. I am just fronting and if we were together tonight I’d give you a New Year’s kiss at midnight. Thanks for visiting the site and expect a whole lot more of the same thing this year. Cuddles.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

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Here are some pictures of Paris Hilton at Pure in Las Vegas last night practicing for tonight because it’s New Years Eve motherfucker, and she’s getting paid 1,000,000 dollars or some stupid amount of money to host a party with her sister according to some gossip magazine I read in line at the pharmacy because I thought the woman next to me would find it sexy.

So while Paris is out getting paid to rock out like all New Year’s Eves, you are planning on staying home with your mother watching the Dick Clark countdown on TV, because he hasn’t got so many more countdowns in him, while sipping on sparkling apple juice or whatever the fuck that non-alcoholic shit that comes in Champagne bottles is before going to bed to pull a wack to bring in the new year with a self-enduced orgasm all over your useless belly.

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So I got this email today:

Dude….

I like your site…but I like the PICS. Your tag lines & your personal comments are annoying and who really cares if you like to drive drunk?

Just get the shots…post them…and shut up!

I mean, I am embarrassed for you because your posts are truly gay!

So now I know the reason why the site never really hit and never got picked up by more than the 5 of you. I’d like to thank this dude for opening my eyes to how much I suck, because I didn’t already know it. I was blinded by all the glory that comes with running a blog nobody reads.

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I am pretty fucking hungover. I went to a Christmas Party last night that was a couple days after Christmas because the kinds of guys I hang with are just as confused as I am but there was a lot of booze and that’s always a good thing.

After drinking the party dry and not remembering much more than being jumped by a lesbian who was showing everyone her vagina while she was jacked on coke and doing Windsor Pilates on the kitchen floor naked listening to an old school Discman CD player like shit was 1995 and the iPod wasn’t invented yet and only passing out wasted back at home at 8 am, so I am a little late in posting today.

I don’t really have anything to say about Nicolette Sheridan that I haven’t already said, shit gets repetitive. She’s got a tight body for her age, that could be from all the Windsor Pilates she does on kitchen floors while drunk after showing everyone her vagina, or it could be that most women in their 40s are busy picking their kids at school or emotionally eating their depressed lives away because nothing worked out the way they dreamt it would work out when they were little girls, while Nicolette is living the dream, or at least the dream to any teenagers rockin’ out to a Bolton album in the 90s, thinking to themselves that one day they’ll marry this heartthrob…

None of that really matters, what does matter is that New Years Eve is in a couple of days and even less than my regular 5 people are actually reading this shit, and that makes all this work pretty fucking questionable, especially when I feel like I just shit my brain out because there was all this blood on the mattress and in my pants. Maybe I just got my period. Cuddles.

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