Lohan is my dream celebrity and I think she still looks hot when the paparazzi take shitty pictures from shitty angles that make her look like a big headed/small footed freakshow dressed like a bee in stupid pants getting ready to perform at the local carnival, but this isn’t the circus, she’s actually preparing for some weird Tango Dance movie she’s in that will definitely be Academy Award nominated, and by Academy Award I mean straight to fucking video. That was a pretty long sentence.

The thing I love about dirty girls is the risk taking involved in having sex with them. When you have sex with a standard chick, all you have to worry about is knocking her up, and that fear only lasts a couple of days around when her period is supposed to hit and if it doesn’t hit, you just abort mission. With a dirty girl, you got all kinds of other concerns that may take 6 months to discover, like you’re some kind of Indiana Jones motherfucker and your penis is the cup Jesus drank from….not this Jesus, that’s not how I’m living, but it seems every dude under the age of 20 is bi and fucking other dudes and then fucking girls at teenage sex parties and since girls have a vagina but are not smart enough to use them properly, no one uses condoms. Now STDs are the new Black (plague) and all these little sluts are going to be rockin’ herpes/HIV/HPV in the next 10 years, so I figure we should all just jump on that train and be the trendsetters because every loves the people who start a movement and take it to the mainstream. We’ll be heroes in our own right and they will make Stamps and trading cards with our pictures on them. Maybe we’ll even get invited to be on Kimmel.

Lohan is already up on this and is an inspiration to us all, so I figure it’s my duty to go to the source of all that fun. When I do, I can see past her flaws, like her belly while she’s sitting in the car, just as easily as I can see past her 21 year old haggard face from all the hard living, because that shit it all part of what we’re all trying to work towards.

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