Jessica Simpson was out on a boat in a one piece swimsuit keeping it classy, like she was Jackie O or some shit, which is pretty unexpected considering Jessica Simpson’s from Texas and the only thing classy there is the 5th grade, it’s the class everyone completes before dropping out to join the Rodeo.

I am not all that jealous of Jessica Simpson’s leisure time or her semi-retirement, that she spends trying to lasso her football hero down, because I was invited to go to the beach with my friend this weekend. I showed up because he had cocaine and booze waiting for me and promises of topless bitches, but when I got there, I saw that the topless girls he was talking about were 12 years old.

Either way, everyone is freaking out about the fact that she’s not in a bikini, which is stupid, because girls rock one piece bathing suits for a reason, and that reason is ususally to hide something unflattering or offensive. It’s kinda the same reason why self respecting, insecure fat chicks go to the waterpark in a t-shirt and Jessica is obviously doin us a favor. The sad truth is that she’s no spring chicken anymore and her eager to get pregnant uterus is probably so hungry that this was the most fashionable things hee could find to keep it strapped down.

Bonus – Jessica Simpson has a Barely There Nipple Slip of the Day

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