A bunch of sites are shitting on Lohan’s lawyer, Mark Heller, for whatever reason. Despite the fact that she’s never gone to jail and is sentenced to rehab for 90 days, like that’s a fucking punishment. If anything, I think that makes him an awesome lawyer, considering that Lohan should be locked the fuck up for a few years, at least in the lesbian fantasies of my mind.

Well, sites are starting to do some background research in Mark Heller, the lawyer, for whatever reason. They have figured out that his son Mike is Lohan’s buddy, a guy I have met and who as far as I’m concerned is pretty decent.

But what they aren’t focusing on, is what actually matters, and that is Mark Heller’s hot as fuck daughter.

Her name is Rachel Heller, I’ve been trying to get her pregnant with my mind for the last few years. It hasn’t worked.

I posted her IN HER BIKINI in 2010…and since then have been wanting to make her fall in love with me….or at least let me go down on her for a week or until my tongue falls off but like everything I do, I’ve failed.

It’s ok, I get it, she’s too good for me. You know from the upper crust of society, all classy and high end luxury and shit, but I still write her love letters, put them in bottles with my semen and thrown them in the river hoping they wash up in New York or LA, where she’s filming a TV show and a Movie….cuz she’s gonna be famous, even though those love letter probably end up at the sewage treatment facility…it counts.

She’s glorious, she’s the real reason you should be talking about Mark Heller, Lindsay Lohan, or even LOVE…..

Rachel Heller, we may not know each other, we may never know each other, you may not know I exist… but we’re connected at the soul…or at least we should be…and by soul I mean genitals….

Remember, I’ve been stalking you pretty badly, inconsistently, and not quite as committed as I should be, because I forget and I’m lazy, for at least 3 years. That’s gotta count for something.

Here are some hot pics of her…

Posted in:Lindsay Lohan|Rachel Heller