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2007

Sep

I am – Hometown Hotties Finalist Gillian of the Day

When I go out partying I have pretty high standards for chicks. I don’t like to look at ugly people, because I am forced to look at my ugly wife all day, and everyday ugly people just don’t exist to me, other than my wife, but I only notice her because of her sleep apnea and the sounds she makes while eating. Anyway, when I go to the bars I tend to go to, hot is few and far between. Sometimes I catch myself looking at my fat man tits wondering how good they’d look in a push-up bra, but I still go out hoping to see hot ass.

The same goes for Hotties contests. When I look to a Hotties contest, I want to see Hotties, and maybe hotties are hard to come across these days, I still want to see them. I am not sure how Gillian made the cut, but I can assume that she’s got a team of monkeys voting for her 24/7 because that’s what they do in Bakersfield California. The only other explanation is that she did work for Disneyland in Hong Kong and we all know that Disney makes dreams come true, because he was a pedophile and that line worked on all the kids he seduced with his cartoons, but either something magical went down.

Don’t get me wrong, Gillian is ok looking, but she’s not Hometown Hottie material and I have no idea how she made it into the top 10. First off she’s 5 ft 2, not 5 ft 2 and 95 lbs can be cute to look at because lots of guys do like smaller chicks to have as girlfriends, but I don’t think anyone who looks like a little 12 year old elf could be called hot or categorized as a hottie even with that magic push up bra, but I’d still let her change my diaper when playing infantilism sex games….I think she should be disqualified and that’s enough for the review because Maxim is going to sue me if I keep this up much longer because I already know who I want to win.

Only 2 more Hometown Hotties to go….

Related:

Check Out Gillian’s Profile

Check Out The Maxim Hometown Hotties Contest

Previous Hometown Hottie stepREVIEWs:

ERIN
LETICIA
KENDA
JUDA
JAIME
NICKI
ROBERTA

Posted in:Gillian|Hometown Hotties Review|Maxim|stepREVIEW|Unsorted

2007

Sep

I am – Hometown Hotties Finalist Roberta of the Day

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Here’s Hometown Hottie Roberta. I may hate the name Roberta because it reminds me of this big black lesbian who used to beat up on me when I was younger, but I don’t hate topless girls and pretty much everyone of her pictures is her topless. She could call herself anything she wants, because I won’t be listening to a word she says anyway. I am not one of those dude who gets awestruck when I see a topless chick, I just generally don’t listen to anyone. Roberta says that she’s a moneymaker, I may not know what that means but I do know a lot of girls who call themselves moneymakers because the official title of their work is far too sleazy to tell their grandparents like like escorting, porn, stripping and hooking….

I just read that Roberta is married and I have this thing where I am not into married chicks, so this post ends here. I am sure I would have gone on and made it life changing…but good luck to married Roberta, maybe she should be focusing on taking your kids to daycare or some shit…I am sure she’s a nice person but I hope she doesn’t win because it’ll go against everything I stand for.

Related:

Check Out Nicki’s Profile

Check Out The Maxim Hometown Hotties Contest

Previous Hometown Hottie stepREVIEWs:

ERIN
LETICIA
KENDA
JUDA
JAIME
NICKI

Posted in:Hometown Hotties Contest|Maxim|Roberta|stepREVIEW|Unsorted

2007

Sep

I am – Hometown Hotties Finalist Nicki of the Day

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I am reviewing the Maxim Hometown Hotties for fun, there are 10 of them and this is number 6. Her name is Nicki, she’s from Kentucky, she likes country music and being in Maxim has always been her dream so she’s almost made it to where she wanted to be. If she was to win, I wonder where she’d go next since there’d be nothing to look forward to as she’d already achieved everything she ever wanted to….

I am not really into fake tits at all. I am not sure why. Maybe it is because they feel fucking weird or maybe it is because they look unnatural and I am more of a candid picture, amateur porn type of person and not too into the polished airbrushed or doctored fakes. So I look at fake tits and see a girl who is insecure about her body, who has a negative self image, who thinks tits get her ahead in life, and who probably only dates dudes with six packs, even if they are dumber than the implants she’s rockin in her tits.

However, I am also a dude and dudes like girls and dudes like tits and when looking at a chick, I’, happy to stare, especially if her body is as tight as Nicki’s. I am not too sure she has much of a chance in winning, because she’s up against a ten other half naked chicks, but I would totally watch her take a bath on webcam…because I know that if we met in person, she’d probably get security to kick me out of the bar, like the time I got aggressive with some dude when I was wasted and his girlfriend told the bouncer I punched her in the face, when all I really did was tell her that she had a dumpy ass and that was only because she told me I was a fat fuck….I said something along the lines of, if I got AIDS from fucking a slut like you, I’d lose the weight bitch, but no matter how many squats you do, you’ll still have a dumpy fucking ass. Genetics can suck sometimes…and I can be an asshole. I like to think that song party like a rockstar was written for me, even though I am usually drunk on cheap beer and not champagne like some aspiring actor I met last week….That shit was Gayer than Ellen…

Related:

Check Out Nicki’s Profile

Check Out The Maxim Hometown Hotties Contest

Previous Hometown Hottie stepREVIEWs:

ERIN
LETICIA
KENDA
JUDA
JAIME

Posted in:Hometown Hotties Contest|Maxim|Nicki|stepREVIEW|Unsorted

2007

Sep

I am – Hometown Hotties Finalist Jaime of the Day

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Here’s another Hometown hottie review because I have nothing better to do with my time, like the lesbian sitting next to me with a shitty red dye job, bicycle shorts and combat boots. I guess I was right all this time, bicycle shorts are pretty fucking gay. But that’s not the point the point is that this bitch Jamie is putting herself out there, like an attention starved whore, trying to get her big break based on her looks….

Her first mistake is that she wrote she’s hooked up. I can only assume her boyfriend is some insecure bitch with a chick that he is over-protective over and the condition of her entering this contest was that she made it clear to the world that she’s not available, when in reality motherfucker should be denying any involvement with her, letting people think they have a chance with her and riding shit out to the top…because if motherfucker does that he’ll be sitting by the pool of a very nice house one day, instead of driving up to the local strip club to pick his baby momma up….because that’s where all failed models end up…not that these girls are even models, they are more like softcore pornstars because you know this isn’t leading to Sports Illustrated covers, unfortunately the girls involved don’t know that.

I get told that I am an asshole all the time, some people say I am gay for having high standards in chicks, I set the bar too high and dis even the hottest of hot. The truth is that I don’t really have any standards at all. I just am trying to give objective commentary on the site. I just like a good blowjob. I prefer looking at hot chicks naked than ugly ones.

That said, Jaime’s alright lookin, she’s got a good body, she’s got a good enough face it just looks a little rough to me. She’s not really the natural beauty who makes you hear angelic voices when she’s on all fours in your bed, but I’d still watch her shave her box in the shower, and if she was my girl, I’d even invite my friends to come watch, because I like to share the wealth….unfortunately, every time I try to pawn my wife onto my friends, they end up never talking to me again. She’s fat like that.

Related:

Check Out Jaime’s Profile

Check Out The Maxim Hometown Hotties Contest

Previous Hometown Hottie stepREVIEWs:

ERIN
LETICIA
KENDA
JUDA

Posted in:Hometown Hotties Contest|Jaime|Maxim|stepREVIEW|Unsorted

2007

Sep

I am – Hometown Hotties Finalist Juda of the Day

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This bitch looks like a hick and sounds like a hick and must be a fucking hick, she is from Mississippi and I am all for you racist motherfuckers, don’t try to deny it, I saw Mississippi Burning, I know how it is there, but you racist motherfuckers aren’t all for me…because I am mexican.

I am not saying that this girl is a racist, I don’t know if she is smart enough to know what racism is. Sure that country twang is hot in a porno movie, but the idea of having to listen to her get interviewed and speak is enough for you to not vote for her.

She also has shitty fucking pictures, I assume Maxim did the shoot, but I think it’s safe to say that the one that made the cut were shot by her Uncle Billy at their last family BBQ. In the basement…while the rest of the family was sleeping…if you know what I mean…Uncle Billy’s a pervert with big dreams for his niece….

She’s got shitty hair, no tits, and a tight body from pickin’ all that cotten or tobacco or whatever the fuck else they do in Mississipi, but this is a Hometown Hotties contest, and if your hometown is a place where just you and your family live, then it’s really not a hometown at all, but more of a home-farm, or home-compound..or you get what I am saying…I’m all for small tits but not when your trying to win as a Maxim girl. I assume she won’t win because they don’t have the internet where’s she’s from, so she loses out on hometown people spending the next 3 weeks of harvest sitting in front of a computer voting over and over in hopes of giving her a chance…

I am guessing that her even making it this far is because bitch plays a mean banjo and by banjo I mean cock, as in she sucked someone off somewhere down the line, possible numerous times, or numerous people in the line to get to where she is, which isn’t really anywhere,…

Poor Juda. That’s what you get for killing Jesus…Get it bible reference…Fuck I am smart….Cuddles…and don’t get me wrong, I’d totally bang her….I wouldn’t want her feeling like shit about herself over this, provided this site had more than 7 readers and she actually read the review. Reality is that she is hotter than any girl I’ve banged, but none of the girls I’ve banged put themselves in contests based on their looks up against other girls who think they are hot enough to win the prestigious Hometown Hottie title. My girls weren’t trying to be cover girls..they were just trying to not be evicted and find food to eat and 5 dollars for another hit of whatever they were on.

Related:

Check Out Juda’s Profile

Check Out The Maxim Hometown Hotties Contest

Previous Hometown Hottie stepREVIEWs:

ERIN
LETICIA
KENDA

Posted in:Hometown Hotties Contest|Juda|Maxim|stepREVIEW|Unsorted

2007

Sep

I am – Hometown Hotties Finalist Kenda of the Day

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I am not sure what is more confusing to me, the fact that this bitch’s name is Kenda or the fact that she’s got no tits. I am all for small tits but by looking at the other girls she looks the most like a dud and I know you are into that, but I thought the Hometown Hottie contest was all about finding the hottest stripper looking bitch out there to help shift her career from getting paid to get topless for men in a bar, to getting paid to get topless while strategically hiding their nipples for the world. I guess Kenda and her stupid name are hitting this contest to show the world that you don’t need 8000 dollar breast implants to be a half naked party slut, and I guess she gets some points for that.

The nice thing about Kenda is that she is training to be a pre-school teacher, it shows her maternal and softer side. I know that if I had kids, taking them to a girl like this would definitely be part of my daily activities in hopes that one day I could trick her into doing dirty things which I don’t think is too hard to do, I’d just tell her I was from Maxim and we wanted to do a follow-up shoot in her mouth…

Here is Kenda, vote for her if she’s your thing. She was kinda too plain for me to go into stories about my life, because she didn’t inspire any and I know I’ve got lots in there, so for her not to inspire any, that’s a pretty bad sign. I can assume she doesn’t inspire you and that she’s going to lose.

Related:

Check Out Kenda’s Profile

Check Out The Maxim Hometown Hotties Contest

Hometown Hottie stepREVIEWs:

ERIN

LETICIA

Posted in:Hometown Hotties Contest|Kendra|Maxim|stepREVIEW|Unsorted

2007

Sep

I am – Hometown Hotties Finalist Leticia of the Day

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Girls taking off clothes in attempts to get famous or to make money is kinda my thing, so I decided that I should cover the Maxim Hometown Hotties Finalists and give my little review of each girl in the running because I feel like I am about as classy as the chicks who sign up for this shit, which isn’t saying much about me….

This is Leticia, by looking at her I first thought she was going to be the big winner,and I still think she is going to win because her look is unique, the blond hair, tight body full lips, hot tits that I have never seen before, except for maybe in every magazine, porn and even a poster I had growing up that had 10 chicks posing in thongs and had some caption that said something like “Rear Admiral” because they were in captain’s hats or some shit…

So this body and face of a pornstar and is really what we’re looking for in Hometown Hottie competitions, we don’t really want girls that look like the girl next door, because the girl next door has a glass eye and is on crutches.

I generally don’t like pornstar looking girls, but she’s all Eastern European looking and Eastern Europe reminds me of rationed bread, juggling bears and mail order brides, and nothing in life is better than being able to buy a wife that looks like this, especially since the Hometown Uglies in your hometown don’t even give you the time of day,so you better start saving your allowance now, loser.

I am sure that before she got into this modeling that she was involved in many wet t-shirt contests, she just looks like that kind of girl. Maybe she was one of the Coors Light chicks at the bar or the chick handing out toilet paper samples and your local wholesale club, doing whatever she could for the dream and now she’s working for some televised wrestling show where all the washed up wrestlers from the WWE go, making her not much of a Hometown Hottie at all, but more of a career slut who shows off her body and who needs to back the fuck off and give the other girls a chance….

She’s also got a boyfriend and everyone knows that even if you have a boyfriend you should pretend you don’t so that the people voting can think they have a chance in having unprotected sex with you…it’s simple fucking marketing and she fucked up but she does look like the kind of girl who would give you in having unprotected sex with her while her steroid boyfriend is at the gym, but only if you promise her fame.

That said, I’ll make you famous, bitch!