So today is dream day on Oprah….they are talking to random actors and models and other shit I can’t really bother processing because I am lazy. The irony of this being dream day, is the show in and of itself is making one of my dreams come true, because Oprah has a segment with my favorite hollywood dirtbag….Lindsay Lohan. What better way to celebrate this aggressively marketed show that to live blog this shit…It may be horrible – I haven’t slept much the last week….
4:01 – I am waiting for Lohan to show up on Oprah, but all I see is some china-woman from The VIew circa ’99 talking to some black girl from Sierra Leone. I haven’t seen pics of Lohan recently, but it’s safe to say this isn’t her….
4:03 – It’s definitely no Lohan, even if she was in costume because this black girl from Africa is missing her arm, and no matter how good the make-up is, there’s no way this shit’s staged.
4:05 – She’s talking about how she was carried on her mother’s back after both their arms were brutally cut off….I guess Sierra Leone is not a great vacation spot.
4:06 – Her adoptive parents are on Oprah rockin’ their traditional garbs. They are so colorful it makes me want to eat sand and do some kind of tribal dance.
4:07 – The girl hasn’t seen her mother in 6 years and her dream was to see her mother again….Oprah made it happen. Tear jerker if you have a heart, which I don’t right now because I am so excited to see Lohan, I’m all like get on with this emotional africa shit and ask Lohan if she has AIDs already.
4:09 – Oprah brought out her producers of this segment because of all the hard work they went into this story the last 4 months. The producers are crying, so I guess that means that Oprah’s staff are miracle workers, at least that’s what she’s trying to get across….
4:11 – Oprah is really Extreme Home Makerovering this segment…this dream is so over the top and emotionally driven that it’s ruining my excitement for Lohan. Thanks for nothing Oprah. You ratings whore….
4:12 – Commercial Time…..Thank YOU…. Oprah’s show tomorrow is where people confront their mother’s killers…Sounds like a really happy topic. At least I am 12 minutes closer to the Lohan Interview, that I know is going to end up being a 3 minute segment. All this hype for nothing….
4:15 – Fantastic News Emilio Estevez is on the show to talk about his dream. I guess she figured since no one really gives a fuck about this guy, we’re all going to get hard over his useless dream. Good one Oprah, you should stick to re-uniting refugee’s with their mothers.
4:16 – Emilio Estevez spent 7 years writing about his hero Robert Kennedy…his dream was to get it produced. The movie is called Bobby and is in theatres soon.His dream came true. It stars Lohan, this is an interesting segue from the African Bitch’s dream of her mother, to Estevez’s dream of making a movie, to Lohan who stars in said movie, who won’t be talking about her dreams because no one cares about her dreams, she’s not allowed to have dreams….
4:19 – I sucked at live blogging, this is really fucking boring, you’d think after 2 years of running the site, my posts would get better. They definitely don’t. This is me feeling sorry for myself….mark it down, 4:19 pm, while watching Oprah, I question where I am going with this post. Positive side of things, we are 19 minutes closer to the Lohan interview…..
4:20 – Martin Sheen is crying, I never knew he was a Spic. I only found that out in the last few months, I thought Estevez was the mother’s maiden name…it’s not. Martin Sheen said that Oprah is one of his heros, I would have been happier if he said Lohan was his hero….she’s kinda my hero.
4:21 – It’s nice to see Martin Sheen cry about his son’s success and see his son cry about how his dad is his hero. It’s a little homo, but it is Oprah. These actors know how to work their audience. I bet Bobby gets 80% of Oprah’s audience in opening week.
4:24 – They are showing a clip…still no Lohan….not really a surprise…Lohan always lets me down like this. That whore.
4:25 – “Coming Up – Bobby Costar Lindsay Lohan is Here”….music to my ears… I gotta go stretch my typing fingers and catch my breath cuz this is going to be the hustle the intense live-blogging hustle. This post is still not funny, let’s hope I can turn things around….I just took off my shirt cuz i am sweating. This is not a very attractive look for me.
4:27 – Here we go, I just looked at my belly, I am fat. Oprah is doing some promo for the movie, I guess this was all part of the deal in getting the Lohan interview. I’d like to say that’s the only reason I am watching, but reality is I watch Oprah daily.
4:28 – Lindsay just walked on…..She’s wearing white, but she’s no virgin. She is hugging Oprah. I’d say Oprah just got Aids, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Sierra Leone hooked that shit up earlier.
4:29 – Oprah just said that she did an amazing job in this film. I always forget how disgusting Lohan’s raspy hooker voice is. The dress is semi see-through, start masturbating. Not me – cuz I can’t jerk off and if I could it wouldn’t be to lohan, that’s like eating dinner out of a shoe I found in the alley outside my house…..
4:31 – They are playing a Lohan clip….I’d say she was a real talent, but I hate lying to you….
4:32 – Oprah should ask Lohan what color underwear she’s wearing… I would make a better Oprah than Oprah.
4:33 – Lohan has horrible teeth on my TV, they aren’t as white or straight as they could be with her budget. Then again my TV is a wood veneered RCA from 1982 that we found in the garbage.
4:34 – They are talking about Lohan as a party girl, she gave some canned response about how she’s not a party girl and how she’s passionate about her work and how it’s normal for a 20 year old to go out dancing. Emilio said that she was on time, passionate and extraordinary in this film, I wonder what his motivation behind that one was, I mean this is his life’s work I am sure he isn’t trying to win an academy award….Liar. Lohan neglected to talk about the condomless sex with other celebs, the cocaine and drunk driving…Liar. I feel like they are manipulating us. COMMERCIAL…
4:37 – We’re back. Emilio is talking about his writer’s block. I have writer’s block everyday. Emilio is crying. I think he was almost suicidal in making this movie because it’s his life’s work. I think I am equally emotionally attached to this site, but I’ll never get to the level being able to buy my family birthday gifts let alone getting a movie deal and mansion in Beverly Hills or wherever Emilio lives….He’s a pussy and cries too much. Try living my life SPIC.
4:39 – Some old lady is on the show now. She has red hair. I imagine Lohan would look like this lady when she’s older, turns out Lohan plays this lady in the movie. Lohan is fake crying to show off her compassion. We all know she has no heart and if she does it’s a heart full of Syph. Why’s she being such a cunt pretending this woman’s life is so relevant to her. I know she’s really thinking about ripping lines with Steve Aoki later tonight….provided this wasn’t pre-recorded…
4:40 – Oprah’s still on. Does this show ever end. I feel like Oprah owns the media. This is a good time for Lohan to flash her box like we were in Cannes…..
4:41 – The segment’s over. That means the live-blog is over. I’m really happy they asked her all of one fucking question. This is shitty fucking journalism and I feel ripped off. The next segment is on an anorexic model who almost died starving herself. Seems like a story that will lift my spirits.
I’d apologize for the shitty post, but it’s not like anyone is reading this and remember this is unedited because editing is for girls and despite my pathetic penis, I’m no girl. But Lohan is and here she is buying underwear at Agent Provocateur – the hottest company ever.
Cuddles…
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