So I am sitting in my lawyer’s kosher kitchen a couple of days ago and I have the worst fucking hang over, my fucking head was pounding, I was dizzy and I had a throbbing pain in my side, probably my liver screaming for help. I hadn’t slept in 2 days, and this bender was one of my finest, just Jack and me for 48 hours. I hadn’t showered and I stank but luckily my lawyer’s grandson had just recently had his barmitzvah, and Goldstein had a case of mints with his little cunts and image on name on it. I looked at it and said to myself this shit is tacky as fuck, it’s got no street cred, it screams suburban upper-middle class, and it gave me heartburn. Give me a rolaid and another drink, bitch….

These mints have made the cut and are the Jewish Product of the day…..

2.25″ w x 1.75″ h x .5″ deep. Mazel Mints are the perfect party favor for your Mitzvah. Various candy options available (included in price) that will make this simcha a tasty celebration. Mazel Mints are Star-K Kosher. Mint containers are a high quality hinged box

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This is an art collection by Sarah Lucas, I don’t know who she is but this shit is hype. I have had many encounters with some pretty rank looking underwear, this is expected when you only hook up with homeless girls, but I have never had the opportunity to undress a girl and find dinner. Now there have been times in my life where I went hungry for a couple of days and shit, this would have come in fucking handy….I guess that’s just how life always works out, things you needed once, only appear when you don’t need them anymore. What the fuck am I talking about, dude could always use some chicken….

Via SEXBLO.GS

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So I haven’t really been going to the Fleshlight message board all that often, it got a little depressing reading about all these dudes who are wasting good erections on rubber pussy, if I had the ability to get and maintain an erection, I would not be throwing them away to something that doesn’t smell like a dumpster, I would be hunting the finest low quality women around, seducing them with drugs, a warm meal and a shower and inviting them back to my motel room for a romp with Jesus. Not many of you can say that, but that’s only because of your name, blame your parents and not me. So I come across this post from this dude justifying that he isn’t into a poofter. Motherfucker jerks off, possibly using his fleshlight to videos of other men rockin their fleshlights. I think the whole idea of watchin a dude jerk off is gay unto itself and the addition of a plastic pussy doesn’t take away from that.

This dirty homegirl is obviously a little torn up inside about this shit, so he wrote a fuckin novel explaining that he doesn’t wish the fleshlight in the video was his mouth, point of the story is that watching people’s internal struggles with their sexuality is always fucking funny…..

You gots to read this shit and it is after the jump…..

Jesus, the homophobia on here is creepy. Get over it guys!

Look, I love the Fleshlight, I’ve been using them for three years, I’m TOTALLY STRAIGHT. I love women.

And I LOVE to watch fleshlight videos of other guys getting off with them. It gets me off so fucking good. Why? It has nothing to do with watching another guy’s cock, as the tough lumberjack fellows on here have insisted.

ChuckB28 posted quite a few pics and vids of himself on here getting off with his Fleshlight. One in particular, is a vid of him fucking his fleshlight hands-free in a matress to a magazine pic of Angelina Jolie. It’s one of the fucking hottest things I’ve ever seen, and I’ve gotten off to it many times. I told Chuck myself that I loved his vids for this reason, and I told him I got off to them. He thought it was very cool, and he understood completely that it wasn’t a gay thing at all.

There are also a few Yahoo groups that I visit, where guys post pictures of their favorite female celebrities that they jerk off and cum on, and I think that is also very hot. To see a hot celeb spatterred with cum, it’s like you know inside you would do that same thing if the picture was in front of you, and it’s so deeply naughty and sexual to see someone else actually post a picture of that, it’s the ULTIMATE voyeurism, and I think it’s fantastic. Again, I’m not attracted to guy’s cum…..I’m attracted to what he DID with his cum, which is the exact same thing I would do with a slutty picture of my favorite female celeb. Make sense?

I can tell you exactly, that when I’m watching him fuck his fleshlight to Angelina Jolie, it’s like I’m watching myself as a horny guy alone in my room getting off to my favorite porn, it’s as if I have a mirror into myself, like I’m watching me, and yet I know it’s someone else. And that whole dynamic is electrifying. And, to go one step further, when I’m watching that vid, I’m not looking at his cock, I’m looking at what he’s DOING with it. I’m looking at the picture that he’s looking at, I’m watching him go in and out of his Fleshlight, and I match his movements. It’s not an attraction to HIM, it’s an attraction to what he’s thinking as he’s doing it.

What it has to do with is making a connection…..a VERY intimate and deep connection with another person. In this case, the connection is that I’m watching something very, very private, and I know that the guy is thinking the same thing I’m thinking as he’s fucking his fleshlight….i.e. “I’m going to cum soon, I can’t hold back, I’m thinking about my favorite porn star”, etc. etc. etc. It’s like your watching YOURSELF, and that intensifies the experience a thousand times.

I’ll go you one better!! I’m more secure in my manhood and I’m more secure emotionally than the homophobes, because I can still stay in my complete straightness and yet share a very intimate and private connection with an anonymous guy, knowing that we are doing something for the exact same reason, and for the very same emotional and sexual rush. I am in no way attracted to a man’s penis or his anatomy, YET I can totally get off within the context of knowing that what I’m watching is something that I can completely and fully relate to. And that is….NOT GAY. The word gay is so twisted around on here it’s pathetic.

So…..to all the iron-man titan manly men on here…….here’s my take – I get off with my Fleshlight in a way YOU will never be able to, you’re missing out on an intense experience. Oh, if only you poor bastards could get over your homocreepiness……

Miko

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This is old, I know, but I didn’t bother posting it before due to laziness and a lack of caring. I tend to do that a lot in my life, it’s called lathargy. So Janice Dickinson is a model and all the gay people and America’s Next Top Model fans think she’s amazing cuz she’s rude, I guess you can be rude when Mick Jagger dedicates a song at one of his concerts to your period. No I didn’t read her book, but my gay friend did, and that’s what he told me. Yes, I have gay friends, I pretty much hang with whoever’s not ashamed to hang with me.

Look at her fuckin nipple and stop judging me – asshole.

Via POPDOH

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Life is always more interesting on the otherside of the world. There are time I lay in bed thinking of what could have been if I played my cards right, I think about the world and all it has to offer and I remember that I am a motherfucking factory worker with a fat wife. I am not down on myself, I am really too drunk to really care, but there are times where I wonder…what would life be like as someone else, usually an Asian girl. I am not sure what the hell those crazy asian people are eating but they produce the weirdest fucking smut ever, including this image of a girl peeing in a urinal. The closest thing to this picture in my life was the time I was fucking wasted and passed the fuck out on the floor of the bathroom at a party, some crazy bitch didn’t see me, mistook me for the toilet and pissed all over my motherfucking shirt….I will not say I didn’t like it, but I will say I would rather watch her use an urinal….

Thanks OTTY

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Not much to say about this, other than the fact that I came across it and was like that looks like my fat wife. I guess the coincidence is that the artist’s name is Other and is from Canada. I see a lot of his shit around Montreal, and figure that it’s very possible that he met my wife and this is his “rendition”. Yes, she is pretty busted, but whatever it’s a sick piece, not that I like graf, I think it represents the fall of society. I am all for oppression and rationed bread.

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Once again I apologise for abandoning you. I am not the greatest friend, but when i…ah fuck it, who cares.

Anyways, this is the first time i have been completely sober in the last 14 days. I quit my job 2 weeks ago, spent all my money on cocaine and booze, and cant stop falling asleep. So, in light of this oh-so-motivating sober situation, i bring you this.

The Team Fuck Top Ten Realizations Of The Month after the jump bitches….

10) Talking to girls on MSN about threesomes is cool.

I know this girl, she has a blogger at Paige Six. By telling her i could make her famous i some how managed to get her on msn. We started talking about threesomes. This one is pointless.

9) Mailing cakes to Montreal is hilarious

8) 1989 Toyota Tercel VS. 300yr old Maple Tree. Tree wins.

I once rear ended a Ford cargo van with my 89 tercel. The van was all kinds of dented, my car was fine. You’d think that i would remember events like these before i tried my luck with a forest. You thought wrong.

7) Don’t make fun of girls in High school. Some of them get hot.

I went to high school once, and in that school i made fun of girls. Now one of the girls grew up to be a bombshell. She got the gap in her teeth fixed, grew tits…and i have a snowballs chance in hell of laying pipe.

6) Putting your cell phone number on the Internet isn’t a good idea, no one calls. It’s depressing.

Thanks Jesus

5) Toasters – Not just for toast.

If i had pictures of this it would be better, but I don’t. However, you can cook a mighty good hot dog in a toaster. Just lay them in horizontal, place the bun on top, and DISCO! You have toasted hot dog.

4) Love does not make the world go ’round. Jack Daniels does.

Seriously, you drink a 26er of JD and that shit spins like a motherfucker. Love is for fags anyways. I have been dating the same girl for 10 months, and haven’t told her i love her. If you tell girls you love them, they have you by the balls. And I have grown attached to my balls. Fuck women, drink Jack. Put that on a billboard.

3) Pulp Fiction is the greatest movie ever made.

Like when Jules shoots the guy on the couch and then says “oh, I’m sorry, did I break your concentration?”. Damn that shit is gangsta.

2) Eating a half-quarter of mushroom makes you crazy.

A few weeks ago I got loaded and ate mushrooms with my best friend of 16 years. I made fun of him for hours because he once wore a pink shirt. It wasn’t until 8am that he finally snapped and threw me through his glass closet.

1) Quitting your job for the sole purpose of becoming famous isn’t the best idea.

I had a fairly decent job working at a model and talent agency. They stopped paying me because they went broke. I think they went broke because I stopped working, who knows. The point is, i quit because i thought i would be famous by the end of the week. I’m not. Now I’m fucked.

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Who the fuck is Pamela David? I guess it really doesn’t make a difference, bitch is topless by a pool letting all of you perverts get a glimpse of her. Now looking at half naked girls poolside is something I like, but I feel like it’s stealing my soul and tearing my family apart. My new quest for redemption may make the smutty posts a little less frequent. Have you accepted Jesus into your life?

Fuck that yo, I am the only motherfucking Jesus you bitches need…this is the shit dreams are made of….more after the jump. Easy.

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Stussy is the captain of the streetwear industry. These fucker’s have been around since day one, and even if Stussy sold out and moved to Hawaii a few years ago, the company in still producing hot fucking shit, by shit I do not mean feces, because that would be gross and smell even worse. I was using the word shit as slang. I was watching extreme homemakeover at a friend’s house and these black kids kept dropping the word “junk” as an expression of good, so I will leave you with this…..This Stussy shirt is Junk, now big boys, shut the fuck up and do your thing, and by thing she means stick it in her pooper.

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We all know that the world’s greatest mooch is dirty. He doesn’t shower often, and although he may have enough money to buy a new wardrobe daily because of the allowance Britney hooked motherfucker up with, you cannot change people. K-Fed is from the trailer park, he grew up with little money and clean underwear was something he wasn’t lucky enough to enough to enjoy. He didn’t have running water and resorted to a muddy puddle outback as his shower. Toilet paper was something only rich people used. I am sure you all remember the kid in your elementary school who always had a rash. Now, years later, living in luxure, K-Fed’s ass is still itchy, but no need to worry, it’s only cuz he hasn’t washed and his dirty asshole is responding to the fecal bacteria…

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