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Archive for the Unsorted Category

2006

06

Sep

I am – Topless Jack Osborne of the Day

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I realize that this site isn’t growing. That people aren’t commenting. That I can’t get to 10,000 friends on Myspace when I was aiming or 1,000,000. That traffic hasn’t grown. That I am not making money so I am seriously planning on dropping the project like Jack Osborne dropped the nut into Kimmy Stewart back when she had implants because it has become BORING for me.

I am not going to lie, I go to sites like DListed and dude gets 100 comments per post. I get 4. I have been doing this a year longer than him. I hate being the whimpering asshole, and I really wouldn’t have much else to do with my time, however I’d rather do nothing with my time and get nothing in return for it than run around the internet 12 hours a day struggling to write funny posts and get nothing in return for it. It’s called beating a dead horse with your dick.

That said, Stepfather is officially for sale, I am going to be applying for a real job. Tell your friends.

Love Jesus


Bonus: The Disaster on Jack’s Back is Like the Disaster That This Site Is

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

06

Sep

I am – Jessica Simpson’s Built Like a Tank of the Day

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I was a victim of the Jessica Simpson media frenzy during Dukes of Hazard, where bitch was parading around in her bikini. I am not going to lie, her big titties and flas stomach hypnotized me into thinking the bitch was hot. Since bitch has got her divorce, she disgusts me. It all happened around the time of the divorce. I think a young married woman who has been with one dude and is off limits to all other dudes is kinda sexy. But once a divorcee you know there’s really no going back. You know she’s got baggage coming out of her fucking ass and that she sits in her hotel room and cries and if she’s not crying she’s eating and if she’s not eating she’s fucking random men who wanted a piece when she was married but couldn’t get any because she’s a good little bible thumping, jesus fucking, cunt. That said, she’s carrying herself like she’s got the weight of the world on her shoulders and she doesn’t seem to have any problem with it, cuz bitch is so muscular and built like a dude that she could take another plate. That was a gym reference for those of you who are fat and lazy like me. Now fuck off, I am going to go finger my ass while thinking about arm wrestling this slag. Cuddles Motherfucker.

Bonus: Some Pics of Bitch Rockin’ Out

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

06

Sep

I am – Jessica Simpson's Built Like a Tank of the Day

JessicaSimpsonTOP.jpg

I was a victim of the Jessica Simpson media frenzy during Dukes of Hazard, where bitch was parading around in her bikini. I am not going to lie, her big titties and flas stomach hypnotized me into thinking the bitch was hot. Since bitch has got her divorce, she disgusts me. It all happened around the time of the divorce. I think a young married woman who has been with one dude and is off limits to all other dudes is kinda sexy. But once a divorcee you know there’s really no going back. You know she’s got baggage coming out of her fucking ass and that she sits in her hotel room and cries and if she’s not crying she’s eating and if she’s not eating she’s fucking random men who wanted a piece when she was married but couldn’t get any because she’s a good little bible thumping, jesus fucking, cunt. That said, she’s carrying herself like she’s got the weight of the world on her shoulders and she doesn’t seem to have any problem with it, cuz bitch is so muscular and built like a dude that she could take another plate. That was a gym reference for those of you who are fat and lazy like me. Now fuck off, I am going to go finger my ass while thinking about arm wrestling this slag. Cuddles Motherfucker.

Bonus: Some Pics of Bitch Rockin’ Out

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

06

Sep

Lindsay Lohan is Flashin' Her Dirty Box of the Day

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I am officially an idiot, I was saw these pictures yesterday and I was debating whether I should post them or not because they looked like they were fake. I wake up this morning and they are all over the motherfucking place and here I am sitting on the golden Lohan pussy shot that would have made me rich. If any fucking site should be posting this shit it should have been me because I am the Lohan stalker and because I sleep in, and the fact that I sleep on pictures that look fake. These are probably reasons why I am not successful.

That said. I should learn to trust my instincts. Like the time I was getting down with this slutty girl and she insisted we use a condom and I was all like – Fuck that shit, I don’t roll like that, 4-6 weeks later I was pissing fire. Speaking of Fire, here are the Lohan pics, which unfortunately don’t have any orange pubic hair because bitch waxes. She obviously doesn’t know that redheads aren’t supposed to go bald and that they have to embrace their orange pubes because that is the main reason a motherfucker’s slamming them. We’ve all heard that orange pussy exists we just want to see what an orange pussy looks like. I guess another reason someone would slam a redhead could be because dude’s drunk at the bar and she’s the last one standing because redheads are like super heros and are always the last to fall. I have a whole theory that involves them being thought of as devils when they were born in the middle ages and how their parents would throw them in the woods to survive making the redheaded gene a strong one. But that’s no the point, the point is Lohan’s box is not as mangled as I thought.

Posted in:flash|Lindsay Lohan|Pussy|Unsorted|Vagina

2006

06

Sep

Lindsay Lohan is Flashin’ Her Dirty Box of the Day

lindsaybox03.jpg

I am officially an idiot, I was saw these pictures yesterday and I was debating whether I should post them or not because they looked like they were fake. I wake up this morning and they are all over the motherfucking place and here I am sitting on the golden Lohan pussy shot that would have made me rich. If any fucking site should be posting this shit it should have been me because I am the Lohan stalker and because I sleep in, and the fact that I sleep on pictures that look fake. These are probably reasons why I am not successful.

That said. I should learn to trust my instincts. Like the time I was getting down with this slutty girl and she insisted we use a condom and I was all like – Fuck that shit, I don’t roll like that, 4-6 weeks later I was pissing fire. Speaking of Fire, here are the Lohan pics, which unfortunately don’t have any orange pubic hair because bitch waxes. She obviously doesn’t know that redheads aren’t supposed to go bald and that they have to embrace their orange pubes because that is the main reason a motherfucker’s slamming them. We’ve all heard that orange pussy exists we just want to see what an orange pussy looks like. I guess another reason someone would slam a redhead could be because dude’s drunk at the bar and she’s the last one standing because redheads are like super heros and are always the last to fall. I have a whole theory that involves them being thought of as devils when they were born in the middle ages and how their parents would throw them in the woods to survive making the redheaded gene a strong one. But that’s no the point, the point is Lohan’s box is not as mangled as I thought.

Posted in:flash|Lindsay Lohan|Pussy|Unsorted|Vagina

2006

05

Sep

I am – stepLINKS of the Day

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Dr Phil just said that his goal is to save Americans. That’s a pretty lofty goal, especially compared to my goal which is to not die in my sleep today. I left the house this afternoon to buy myself some meat. I figured 2 dollars of groundbeef and a can of cream of mushroom soup can feed a family of four when you only have 2 dollars in the bank, and by back I mean pocket because I can’t get approved for a bank account. I also got an onion because it is 30 cents of flavor baby. The guy behind me said “you never steal a man’s onion” and I assume he was coming onto me. I heard him talking to someone about his audition for a TV show. I should have asked for a stepINTERVIEW. I also saw a Jewish mom dancing to Kylie Minogue’s “I can’t get you out of my Head” while her 8 year old daughter spanked her ass, repeatedly. The whole experience was pretty surreal because everyone in the store seemed to be gettind down to Minogue, like you’re about to get down to my links you motherfucker. I spent all day finding these for you.

PS – My Traffic Hasn’t Grown in 2 years. But I have decided to come to terms with the fact that I will never be famous. Now click the fucking links. Thanks in Advance, Motherfucker.


I may hate Gawker, But I do Love DJ AM, and He’s Not Returning my Emails, so if any of you are in NYC and Love Me – Go Wait in the Hotel Lobby and Let Him Know Jesus Loves him, Not The Real Jesus Though Cuz He’s a Jew…and The Jews Killed Jesus….but Jesus Martinez, your Drunkenstepfather NOW…..
GO

Some Teenage Pregnancy Pics, Cuz I love Teenage Pregnancy, Even When The Girls are Brown. Jokes Aside, This Site’s Weird.
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Hooters Bikini Pageant Pictures Part 1
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Some Pretty Intense Pregnancy Pics, I Didn’t Know Asians Knew How to Love. I Thought They Were Robots.
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Some Pictures of Paris Crying Because Her World Has Come Crashing Down Since she Can’t Get into Bungalow 8, an NYC Nightclub
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Looking Good Sweetheart
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FemJoy girls Give Impotent Men Boners (kinda)
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Jennifer Anniston’s Tit Picture Didn’t Make Her Money…
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Some Slag Named Mirta Humping a Headless Mannequin.
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Some 18 year old Named Mikalah Gordon’s Cleavage
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Nudity on YouTube
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If you were 12 years old or from Singapore, You’d Find This Next Level Funny
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Lohan Gets Her Tit Grabbed by her Retarded Boyfriend
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This is Lara Roxx. She is the Pornstar who landed HIV in the Porno HIV Scare of 2005. I Guess She Gives Handjobs Now.
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Some Slag Showing Off Her Pole Dance Skills in the Comfort of her Living Room. Classy.
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This is the stepPICTURE of the Day
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The Sutherland’s Are Out Signing Autographs for Fans, What Confuses Me Is Where these Ebay Vendors Get All The Shit for them To Sign on Such Short Notice….
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Own Your Own Sutherland Autograph
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Nicole Richie’s Whore of a Mother’s Other Daughter. We Call Her the Less Fortunate One cuz Lionel Didn’t Adopt Her Ass, But you can jerk off to it.
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Girl Riding Girl like She was a Donkey
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Anna Semenovich is a Nice Strong Russian Mail Order Bride of a Woman
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Flickr Profile Called Binky Girls- A Lot Of Sluts
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Heidi Klum, Her Mangled Man, Singer of Bush, Gwen No Doubt Together with babies In Tow
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Celebrities Coming In and Out of Clubs/Restaurants
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Katie Fey’s Got Bush and I think Bush is Hot
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LastNightsParty’s Got an Update
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Sega Ad In the 90s is Pretty Fuckin Dirty
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Bansky Street Art of the Day
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This is My Favortie T-Shirt
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What the Fuck is This?
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Scarlett Johansson Black Dahia Premiere Gallery
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Sweet Blonde Sophie is Showin’ Off Her Box cuz She’s a Whore
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Yeah Dude, Alanis is Totally Not a Bull Dyke, She Just Rides Motorbikes.
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Dr Phil Said a Stay at Home Mom Works the Equivalent of 2 Full Time Jobs, I say Add Me to Myspace Fuckers….
GO

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

05

Sep

I am – Bai Ling Looks Retarded of the Day

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I just spent an hour on the phone with a financial advisor. He called me from Berkshire, Warren Buffet’s company and was asking me if I wanted to attend a seminar. I have no fucking idea where he got my number but I decided to fuck around with him, asking him questions about what he thought would be a sound investment. I told him I was willing to put 100 percent of my savings into his control and dude got a boner. I rode it out for the 45 minutes before dropping the bomb that my savings were a total of $2. I guess motherfucker doesn’t read this site, but then again either do you.

I’d like to address a serious issue that I neglected in the Rachel Steven’s post today, and that is that Stephen Dorf got hep from Pam Anderson (thanks cybermule). If I had put that one together before that post would have taken a whole different comedic approach because hep jokes always make me laugh, where as lame hot girls gone fat commentary doesn’t.

Either way I am a fucking hack and here are some pictures of Bai Ling, because bitch is a bigger hack than me. Cuddles.

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

05

Sep

I am – Caroline Rhea's Picture of the Day

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A good friend of mine used to find Caroline Rhea the hottest middle-aged person on TV. We all used to laugh at him because we all knew she was disgusting, including him, but I guess it was one of those things that he couldn’t control. He was probably drawn to her big tits, that’s the only thing I can think of to rationalize it. I know that all of us have been attracted to someone we normally never would look at twice. Like this one time I caught myself moving here for a girl I thought was average looking and a little chubby in the pics she sent me over the net, which to my surprise was taken 10 years/120 lbs earlier….either way sometimes you gotta suck it up and do what you have to do. In my friend’s case it was jerk off to thoughts of Caroline Rhea, for some of you it was worse leaving you feeling guilty and humilated and for me it ended in a nice wedding reception at the local community center. We all do what we have to, it’s called survival.

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

05

Sep

I am – Caroline Rhea’s Picture of the Day

carolinerhea.jpg

A good friend of mine used to find Caroline Rhea the hottest middle-aged person on TV. We all used to laugh at him because we all knew she was disgusting, including him, but I guess it was one of those things that he couldn’t control. He was probably drawn to her big tits, that’s the only thing I can think of to rationalize it. I know that all of us have been attracted to someone we normally never would look at twice. Like this one time I caught myself moving here for a girl I thought was average looking and a little chubby in the pics she sent me over the net, which to my surprise was taken 10 years/120 lbs earlier….either way sometimes you gotta suck it up and do what you have to do. In my friend’s case it was jerk off to thoughts of Caroline Rhea, for some of you it was worse leaving you feeling guilty and humilated and for me it ended in a nice wedding reception at the local community center. We all do what we have to, it’s called survival.

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

05

Sep

I am – Gisele's Legs of the Day

I know people like to hate on this bitch for having a manly face, but seriously with legs like that, bitch could have a fucking dick and I’d still let her bounce on my face like it was a pogo stick. Gisele having a dick isn’t that unlikely, she is from Brazil and Brazil is the home of 76% of the world’s transexuals. Thailand’s got the other 23% and the last 1% are scattered around your home country. If you are wondering why I know this, it’s not because I have a tranny fetish, it’s because I used to work at a porno company and when talking to one of the sales dudes, who’s life involved going to small town sex shops and video stores pitching the sketchy owners to buy his porn, which in itself is one of the funniest fucking job in the word, but that’s not the point. The point is that I asked him why there was so much tranny porn and he told me that most of the buyers were straight dudes who were just bored of regular porn, so I watched one hoping it would change my fucking life, like I do for you daily. It didn’t. The tranny looked a lot like a girl from the waist up with rockin’ tits and an acceptable face, it was a tranny who I wouldn’t think is a tranny if I walked by her on the street, but when they panned down and I saw that she was getting her dick sucked from some porno slut I realized that Tranny Porn is really not my thing. However, Gisele may change all that when her pantless pics hit the internet and we find out bitch has been packin’ all this time. I guess it would explain a lot of Leonardo Dicaprio questions I have.

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted