I saw a preview of a new J.Lo movie the other day when my friend took me to a cheap night movie and I got pretty fucking mad about the shit, I thought she was done and forgotten but I was fucking wrong. I never liked her, I never found her hot, I didn’t care about her ass and the whole Latino bullshit never appealed to me, but for some reason she got a gig on hosting the George Lopez show, possibly cuz they are related, or maybe because she owns him, and here she is playing up her latino roots with this fake accent, forgetting that we all know J.Lo, we all know she doesn’t really have this accent, she is just lying to us and I am only posting this becuase I’d like her to go the fuck back where she was the last few years. Seriously.
Archive for the Garbage Category
I’ve been sending twitter messages, yes, I just mentioned twitter again, because I have nothing else going for me and I think it’s a website that was designed for me, because annoying people and what they do in their useless lives comes easy to me. So anyway, I’ve been telling Jimmy Fallon all day that he is garbage and needs me to write for him, not because I think I am funnier than he is, but because I think everyone is funnier than him. He isn’t responding to me, so I’m just going to let you all know that in this segment Justin Timberlake carried this guy and his sinking ship and you should sign a petition to give the shit to him, not because I am a Timberlake fan, but because he’s a better comedian than Fallon, who claims to be a comedian, and the lies need to stop now.
You know you are dealing with a quality chick when she no only brings out the trash and doesn’t get on your ass about doing it for her, but also color coordinates her outfit to the trash can and makes sure that the shirt she is wearing is a revealing as possible. It reminds me of a time I stumbled upon a nudist camp years ago because I heard all about it and wanted to see everyday nudist pussy, but instead got there, only to find 60 year old men standing by a BBQ talking about Golf, because seeing people do everyday things naked or half naked is not always hot, somethings, just don’t translate into being masturbation worthy, because all I can think about is the used condoms, dirty tampons, dog shit, rotting food, and other disgustingness she produced, you know smelling bad and all over her hands, not that she’s the kind of girl who uses condoms, or like that’d stop me from sniffing her trash, but you know this is a shitty photo-op.
I was at Wal Mart earlier today, because they rollback prices, and I saw a 400 pound woman shopping for garbage bags. She put so much thought into the shit that it looked like she was out buying a summer dress or something. She was pulling out the bags and sizing them up against her body and that’s when I realized, that she wasn’t lookin for a place that would fit all the table scraps from her really large meals, but instead, something that she could use for underwear because the store didn’t have any in her size. Sure, I gave her some credit for creativity, but the overall vibe of the experience was pretty disgusting….
Traci Bingham’s not quite as disgusting as the garbage bag woman was, because despite her plastic surgery and stupid tits, she’s not fat and she looks like she knows that just wouldn’t bother wearing panties, if she couldn’t find panties that fit, something that the 400 pound woman’s boyfriend and everyone who knows her’s worst nightmare, becuase the whole plastic bag idea was theirs and was in efforts to mask the smell of her kitchen garabge vagina they’ve been forced to deal with, everytime she walks in the room.
I am not sure if these are taken outside her house or if they are some set of a movie, but since this bitch barely works and is barely famous and has barely had any career other than paparazzi taking pictures of her jogging, I can assume that they were taken outside her house or if anything they were taken on set of a “Borax” commercial. I don’t know what “Borax” is but it’s gotta be something paying Biel to promote it. Everybody’s got to make a living somehow and I am trying to make a living talking about where pictures of Jessica Biel were fucking taken. That is a lot lamer than it sounds and it sounds pretty fucking lame to me.
Either way, I learned that the key to being a success is by telling people how amazing everything you produce is. I was invited to the Gwen Stefani show the other night, because my stepduaghter’s rich friend had a ticket for a chaperone, because as a rich kid, her parents wanted nothing to do with anything that involved her. I didn’t get free tickets because people want me at their event like I was Perez Hilton, but I am fatter than him.
Either way, before Gwen Stefani dropped a song she’d say that that song was her favorite and everyone would fucking scream. If I was ever on stage, I’d be like “I don’t know what I was thinking when I wrote this smut, but since you bought tickets to see me do this, here it goes” like I was your dancing monkey…
So the life lesson is that if you tell someone that something is amazing, most people will believe you, because most people are idiots who need to be told what’s up, so even if what you do is shit, pretend it’s amazing and your conviction will convince….
Either way, here are those Biel in a Bathrobe pics for your Bathrobe and Slipper Fetishists….and remember, this is one of my favorite posts of all time, now believe it. Asshole and remember there’s a Gwen Stefani performing video that’s going to hit one day soon. Watch out for it. Asshole.