Maxim Archives - Page 4 of 4 Archive - DrunkenStepFather.com

2007

14

Aug

I am – Lohan is Named the Maxim 10th Anniversary Cover Girl for September Sneak Peak of the Day

So it turns out that the people at Maxim are into the same kind of women as me. You know, barely legal, addicted to drugs, with panties that are filled with money, herpes, men’s cock and a vagina that is always ready to have a good time. She is a pornstar without showing penetration on video, although after watching every single one of her movies I’ve felt totally prison raped, she’s Lohan and when I was away, she was put away. So seeing her grace the pages of a magazine in picture and in interview is a nice welcome home to me.

I have realized that I will never get to hang out with Lohan by the pool drinking cocktails. She will probably either be dead or committed and even if she had maintained her life livin’ the dream, she’d never take the time out for me. I have been trying to stalk her for about 2 years, I thought I found her on facebook, myspace, AIM, Google Talk. I had her phone number and would call her and never get an answer, so I guess I am forced to accept defeat and move on. It is going to be hard, goodbyes are never easy, especially when you’re not leaving by choice. I guess what it comes down to is that Lohan is done to me, but her tits will always have a place on this site when no one else wants to let her in off the street for a shower and a warm meal….

I was just outside and saw two girls thuggin’ it out. They were rehearsing some rap song while shopping for groceries with their mom. They were saying shit about a girl they had bagged who was five foot six and really knew how to suck some dick and I found the whole thing pretty awkward because the younger one’s dance move was simulating giving a blowjob. I blame them for my slow start to the day…and I blame the Disney Channel for giving them such shitty idols. Cuddles.

If You Want to see all the pictures and read the interview because I was too Lazy to Upload Them…
GO

2007

25

May

I am – Gia Allemand In Maxim of the Day

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Her name is Gia Allemand and she’s pretty fucking hot. I had never heard of her before but I did get this email:

These are exclusive photos of Yankees pitcher (soon to be former pitcher because he’s having Tommy John surgery today) Carl Pavano’s ex-girlfriend. The guy is essentially a $40 million bust, but anyway, he cheated on her and she dumped him, so look what he’s missing out on:

Since she looked fucking hot in the pics, and since it’s your stupid American long weekend, I decided to post them, because baseball is the most American think I can think of to seduce you assholes into coming back to this site…

I always fucking hated the sport, I played little league but was benched and there was even some dyke on the team who got more game time than me because it was the late 70s, early 80s and they were trying to go co-ed with that shit. It really didn’t do much for my self esteem is probably part of the reason I never took to sports…

But even later in life, I’d be forced to watch a game here and there and it was fucking torture, almost like the torture you should get knowing you will never bang this chick….

To see these exclusive Gia Allemand videos and photoshoot photos
GO

Posted in:Gia Allemand|Maxim|Photoshoot|Unsorted

2007

15

May

I am – Lohan is at the Top of the Charts for Maxim’s Top 100 Girls of the Day

59 Comments »

I have been stalking Lohan for about 3 years now. I know that it’s been pretty lazy stalking because I just left her a couple of voicemail messages over the course of those 3 years and emailed random people that she had been in contact with, whether it be producers or hairstylists or girls from her hometown and even though I never got anywhere with her, I am convinced we are connected at the soul.

Unfortunately she is connected at the vagina to ever penis in the fucking industry and connected at the nose to as much cocaine as she can snort and connected at the mouth to booze, but I guess that’s not really unfortunate, because I have never been into sober girls, mainly because they were never into me, and because they want families and kids and all that shit girls who like getting fucked up don’t want and that works for me. But she doesn’t spend enough time on the internet to know who I am and that makes me cry on the inside.

Either way, I have been getting so many emails telling me how much Lohan sucks and how she’s washed up and disgusting because she has herpes and looks like someone smeared shit on her. They tell me how no one’s into her anymore, and how her time in the spotlight is over and that she is just a childstar trying to hang onto the fame as hard as she can. They started throwing Hayden Pannettiere pics my way saying she’s the next big thing and I just stuck it out with Lohan because I am hooked.

So I am happy to say she’s the number 1 girl according to Maxim and Maxim knows girls more than I do because they never pose in photoshoots for me, they usually just give me dirty looks, and being number 1 in Maxim is like winning an Academy Award for a girl, so let’s hope she does it in style, by sucking as much dick as she can, doing as much blow as she can and being as drunk as she can because that’s the kind of Lohan I want to K-Fed.

To see Lohan’s Winning Moment:
GO

To see the rest of the list:
GO

Posted in:Bikini|Lindsay Lohan|Maxim|Tits|Unsorted

2007

15

May

I am – Lohan is at the Top of the Charts for Maxim's Top 100 Girls of the Day

No Comments »

I have been stalking Lohan for about 3 years now. I know that it’s been pretty lazy stalking because I just left her a couple of voicemail messages over the course of those 3 years and emailed random people that she had been in contact with, whether it be producers or hairstylists or girls from her hometown and even though I never got anywhere with her, I am convinced we are connected at the soul.

Unfortunately she is connected at the vagina to ever penis in the fucking industry and connected at the nose to as much cocaine as she can snort and connected at the mouth to booze, but I guess that’s not really unfortunate, because I have never been into sober girls, mainly because they were never into me, and because they want families and kids and all that shit girls who like getting fucked up don’t want and that works for me. But she doesn’t spend enough time on the internet to know who I am and that makes me cry on the inside.

Either way, I have been getting so many emails telling me how much Lohan sucks and how she’s washed up and disgusting because she has herpes and looks like someone smeared shit on her. They tell me how no one’s into her anymore, and how her time in the spotlight is over and that she is just a childstar trying to hang onto the fame as hard as she can. They started throwing Hayden Pannettiere pics my way saying she’s the next big thing and I just stuck it out with Lohan because I am hooked.

So I am happy to say she’s the number 1 girl according to Maxim and Maxim knows girls more than I do because they never pose in photoshoots for me, they usually just give me dirty looks, and being number 1 in Maxim is like winning an Academy Award for a girl, so let’s hope she does it in style, by sucking as much dick as she can, doing as much blow as she can and being as drunk as she can because that’s the kind of Lohan I want to K-Fed.

To see Lohan’s Winning Moment:
GO

To see the rest of the list:
GO

Posted in:Bikini|Lindsay Lohan|Maxim|Tits|Unsorted

2007

05

May

DrunkenStepfather Does Maxim of the Day

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So I got an email saying that I was in Maxim Magazine on Page 32. I figured before the other 3 of you email me, I’d clear this shit up because it was written by a dude who got fired from CollegeHumor and CollegeHumor is a piece of shit for loser frat boys leading me to believe that someone not good enough to write for them is probably not good enough to write about me – and I was right. I would have obviously preferred to written about from someone who worked and got fired from a more reputable company, Fuck I would have rather been written about by the drunk dude I met at some bar who was writing what I though was a novel on napkins but when I got closer, turned out to be a a doodle of a dog taking a shit on some big breasted slut but that’s just because I appreciated his artistic vision.

Either way, Complex wrote that I was on of the most influential guys of 2008 and a week later Maxim emailed me. They wanted to do an article on the site and I am not an idiot and said yes because in the 90s, I read Maxim and the thought of getting featured in it seemed like a good thing to do even though no one I know has picked up the magazine in the last 5 years, including myself….

I told them that I don’t leave my house and that they’ll have to do the interview with me over the computer. They refused. So I had to find a way to either get to New York which wasn’t about to happen, or send someone in New York who I know to pretend to be me otherwise there’d be no Maxim article and I figured I had to make it happen…because people don’t offer to do articles on me ever.

Now, I am not very popular and don’t know many people so the only guy who could get there was a chubby white mexican dude I’ve known for a while who is 30. He did the interview. I did the follow up over email and they wrote that I don’t really exist but I do and you’re reading me.

The good news is that they legitimized me being a pervert – they made it out to be some new side of the media called Pervarazzi, like writing sleazy shit about sluts is something to be proud of and this justifies everyone I’ve ever sexually harassed or touched inappropriately over the years. If only I knew the name of that girl I who passed out at a party next to me and who made a big deal about it when she woke up with my hand down her pants telling her boyfriend who was in the other room that I was some sick pervert leading him to beat me up, so that I could show them this article and prove that they were just part of research. I feel smart, like a pervert who just figured out showing girls his camera and telling them it was for art, makes them them get naked for art and instead of slapping him in the face for being a pervert. So thanks to Maxim for making all those dark secrets I’ve regretted but still jerk off to mean something more substantial and like I am leading some kind of revolution…..

So this is the Maxim story. I guess it’s a big enough deal but I won’t consider my life a success until you see me in the mexican wrestling mask on The View trying to finger bang Elizabeth under the table, but that’s because I’m a housewife like that. That may just be fiction like Maxim claims I am, but dreams do come true. Cuddles.

Posted in:Maxim|Pervarazzi|stepCOVERAGE