Here’s the news….if you’re on the computer…cuz news makes you sound smart, aware, tapped into the events of the world…and all it’s hopeless, scary, ridiculousness…

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This is hyseterical…

An Upper East Side man who suffers from a condition called priapism — which causes painful erections that can last for hours — was busted for allegedly trying to steal money for painkillers

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Here’s an amazing story. A cop was caught fucking a bitch on the hood of a car when he was in uniform and assumingly on duty, it is amazing and I can relate because if I was a cop, that would always be my optional out clause….you can go to jail for jaywalking miss…or you can let me fuck you on the hood of the car….I mean shit I’ve tried to get my hands on cop uniforms to pull this shit on the fucking street…It hasn’t worked out yet, cuz apparently I’m too fat for cop uniforms despite all the fat cops I’ve seen…but shit’s a good way to get laid….abusing power …

On a sidenote…here’s another stepNEWS story where a Massage Parlor case collapses when the lawyer got called out as one of her clients…genius world we live in. Genius.

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The world’s so classy…especially in Minnesota…

Here’s today’s news….

Man Sucked into Storm Drain, Dies
Despite the best efforts of rescuers, a New Jersey man has died after getting sucked into a storm drain pipe.

Girl Beaten with Stiletto on School Bus
Administrators for Shelby County Schools said a student was suspended for attacking a fellow Bartlett High School student Thursday.

Man Accused of Throwing Son Off Boat
A 35-year-old Irvine man was arrested by Orange County sheriff’s deputies for child endangerment and resisting arrest after he slapped and then threw his 7-year-old son off a sight-seeing boat in Newport Harbor, a sheriff’s spokesman said today.

Woman Accused of Dangling Daughter
A Phoenix mom has been arrested, accused of the unthinkable — dangling her toddler by the arm from a stairwell, just to get the child’s father’s attention!

2 Minnesota Girls in Pajamas Take Stolen Goat for Walk
A 911 caller said two young girls, dressed in their pajamas, were out for a walk with a goat about 11:30 p.m. Saturday in Mankato. The girls told the investigating officer that the goat lived in their bedroom closet and that they regularly took it out for late-night walks.

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Here’s the news…I figure we all need a dose of enslaving our employees, I mean it is the recession and we need to make the most of the people we’re paying, you know why treat them well when so many more desperate people are eager to get work…so eager they wouldn’t tell one you when you enslave them….and if that’s not good for you…then maybe the teacher named Cinnamon who fucked her students is more your thing….because the name Cinnamon wasn’t enough of a red flag you know stripper names mean….sexual deviants….and I threw in some other shit too….Enjoy.

VA Man Busted Looting Liquor After Hurricane
A Virginia Beach man was confronted about looting liquor from a beach home and gave a tearful apology.

OH State Troopers discover Rice Krispies pot treats

Yogurt shop manager tries to enslave employee

GA man busted for forcing women into prostitution

TN Teacher Cinnamon Davis accused of affair with student

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Here’s some news….to keep you up to speed on current affairs…you know to keep your brain all well lubricated like the 1 in 4 teens having sex…

Study: 1 in 4 Teens are Having Sex

Police: NBA Player Wanted for Murder

DC Man Regains Hearing After Quake

Police Search for Copycat UT Bike Groper

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Last night, I decided to go out and do some investigative journalism. I decided to see how many drinks it would take me to get ridiculous and take off all my clothes….apparently…it took none….not that I actually did that, but I did try to get girls to, and it didn’t work….I also did an informal survey to see how many girls masturbate to porn and I was surprised to find out they all did…meaning if you are capable of picking up girls under 25 who grew up on the internet, expect the generic, yet effective porn sex….making this post not as much of a waste of time to read as I expected it to be..so here’s some actual news clips…

DMX Arrested for Reckless Driving

Man beaten while taking son to school
A man driving his 10-year-old son to school was attacked and beaten when he got out his car, the victim of apparent road rage, according to the Manatee County Sheriff’s Office.

Man Regains Hearing After Earthquake
The earthquake in Washington D.C. cured a man’s hearing.

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The latest discovery in my own personal investigative journalism that in my life, is that people who walk their cats are weird…but more importantly if you want to seduce join badminton club…and when playing said badminton don’t turn to them and speak in 0s and 1s….they won’t get the joke that you’re saying all asians are robots who speak binary…01011011001…now back to my investigating…

Here’s the stepNEWS….

Foster home dad busted for sexual battery with teen girl

Australian man avoids death by train

Wild police car crash in FL

Car drives into Taco Bell in PA

TN woman busted for stealing coupons

TX Shoplifter caught in high speed chase
Some crooks hide their stolen items in the bottom of their shopping carts, their purses, or their pockets. But the video you’ll see here is one of a kind.

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The news is good today….I mean other than being reminded the most beautiful woman according to People Magazine isn’t actually beautiful but it is all smoke and mirrors …since that isn’t actual news….but the Man who sues over the penis amputation hasn’t got shit on the dude who was masturbating in a Children’s library in…I mean a lot of people don’t know this…but picture books are the first smut we’re exposed to…so he’s just tapping into his youth…while wanting to tape some youths…sickness is everywhere…this world is nuts and I love it…cuz it’s fucking real life and that’s better than this internet celebrity shit….now if I could only get off the couch and witness it first hand…

Man sues over penis amputation

Alaska ‘Hot Sauce’ mom found guilty

Dog eats thousands of dollars in loose diamonds

Iowa man arrested for masturbating in children’s library

Caught on Tape: Man stops accused shoplifters,rams them with minivan

TX police reward students for turning in kids that skip school

Washington Monument Cracked By Quake

Nancy Reagan Takes a Tumble During Event

Lynwood Mayor Defends Saggy Pants Ban

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I did some investigative journalism last night and I’ve come to the conclusion that you should never assume a girl’s vagina size and tightness based on her height. I was going to make a documentary about it…but I couldn’t find any participants…

Here’s some other insanity going on in the news…

Serial Rape Suspect Arrested in TN

Pregnancy fraud gets woman jail time

Violence erupts at 49ers-Raiders game
The San Francisco 49ers battled the Oakland Raiders while fans battled it out in the stands during the pre-season game.

Orlando 7-11 robbed
The Orlando Police Department is looking for the public’s assistance in identifying an suspect in the robbery of a 7-11 Food Store on Edgewater Drive.

Cops: Teacher had sex with student
Police say they have arrested a 28-year-old now-former teacher over a sexual relationship with a teenage student. Dwight Ellick, a former track star and Buccaneer hopeful, was jailed this morning.

Fans Brawl at Ravens – Chiefs Game
Video of a fight during Thursday’s Ravens-Chiefs preseason game has surfaced online. Video uploaded to YouTube shows several Ravens fans and a Chiefs fan going at it during the game at M&T Bank Stadium.

Amazing Texas Gas Station Crash Caught on Video
A stunning crash at a Texas gas station is caught on surveillance video.

Police: Man Planned Fireworks Attack
A Florida man is under arrest after police say he intended to ignite a large amount of fireworks off at the National Mall.

OH man catching flack for selling soil from serial killer’s home

CT woman beats teen for looking at her boyfriend

Study: Bisexual Men Exist – So You Can Stop Feeling Bad About NEeding Dick In Porn…You aren’t pure gay.

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