While I was watching Oprah talk about breakfast with Mary J. Blige, I had cybersex with an Indian chick from Singapore who is a virgin and who annoys me every fucking day about how I have to make her famous. I suck at cybersex but this is how the conversation went:

Singapore Sling
i want you to cum inside my mouth and inside me

for the first time
i dont wonna use a condom
i wonna know whats it like raw

Jesus Martinez – DrunkenStepfather
what if i was having a herpes outbreak are you willing to get herpes for my cock

Singapore Sling
yes
we’re in love
love conqueros everything
i want to have sex with you on the kitchen table
everywhere in the house

Jesus Martinez – DrunkenStepfather
would you let me fuck you in the basement next to the old boxes
i love the smell of old boxes
it reminds me of when my foster dad chained me to the furnace

Singapore Sling
Yes, i love new experiences

Jesus Martinez – DrunkenStepfather
so would you let stick things inside you

Singapore Sling
what do you wonna stick it besides your gun

Jesus Martinez – DrunkenStepfather
random things lying around the house, like a flashlight, or an broom handle, or a rolled up newspaper
it’d be so fucking hot

Singapore Sling
if its out of love
why not

If that wasn’t shitty enough for you, than look at the real Lohan Pussy Pic.

It was obviously a fake and that was the reason I didn’t post it last night, we all know that Lohan’s meat hangs a little lower and a little thicker than that coinslot she tried passing off as her box. Speaking of box here are today’s links which have nothing to do with box at all, but they definitely do suck:

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So motherfuckers take a boring story and try to make it look hip by adding a rock soundtrack and name dropping Sofia Copola’s name, someone who hipsters fucking love beacause they think they are supposed to love her in order to be hip. They also use the neon pink font that they got from 35% of hipster t-shirts and 90% of hipster magazines, resonate with their little hipster brains just how fucking hip this movie is going to be. Like using Chinese symbols to communicate with a China-man. The main message of all this hogwash is to to show us how crazy this cunt Antoinette is and that all you fucking hipsters need to ackowledge this cunt Antoinette as the first ever hipster…ever. This is proven by her partying and rebelious ways, her wild outfits and her “outrageous” behavior. Let’s face it, Hipsters live for the fucking party and hipsters like to rebel against their family by dressing like clowns and ripping lines of cocaine in club bathrooms and on leather couches in artist loft spaces, funded by the trust funds daddy set up 10 years earler.

The biggest mistake in making this movie other than making this movie and marketing it to the “cool” kids was casting Kirsten Dunst. No one will ever buy into this bitch as queen of anything but maybe a dollar store, an eating disorder, a prescription pill addiction and a likely, but not confirmed STD. Just look at her sluttin out and pickin her slut nose. Slut.

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It’s the Toronto International Film Fest this weekend in Toronto Canada. I emailed them asking for Press Access, but unlike Perez Hilton, I don’t get approved. I figured I could get some solid fucking content on this bitch of a site and bring it down into the gutter with me, because being an asshole to people is pretty much my talent and I need to come to terms with that instead of feeling guilty about it.

Dear Jesus,

Unfortunately, accreditation is now closed for this year’s Festival. If you are interested in obtaining photos of TIFF 2006, please access our image distribution partner’s website at www.image.net. Thanks,

David Carey

Media Accreditation, Press Office,
Toronto International Film Festival

Phone: (416) 934 – 3200
email: media@tiffg.ca

2 Bloor St W, Unit C-12
Toronto, ON, Canada

TRANSFORMING THE WAY PEOPLE SEE THE WORLD

My question for you, and I know this is a huge fucking stretch, because let’s face it, no one important reads this site, is to get me into this festival. I can sleep on stepSTEVE’s couch, I just need access to the events.

Love

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

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I have always loved Pete Doherty but not in a gay, I want to fuck him up the ass and give him a reach around while pulling on his hair kind of way. That is mainly because of his intravenous drug use and it’s direct corelation with AIDS, my heterosexuality and of course my impotence. However, I have a total crush on dude’s girlfriend and would be tempted to get that penis inflatable implant they used to use for ED and fuck the dude provided it meant I got to get with Kate Moss too. It’s not gay, it’s about winning and I always keep my eye on the motherfucking prize and do what it takes to win. That said, I was at a BBQ last week and the dudes I were with were talking about picking up girls in clubs and how if the hottest girl in the club asked them to make out in exchange for her cunt, they would do it. All I said was American Pic 3 motherfuckers. Nothing in life is all that original, it’s all been done.

Pete Doherty is so rock and roll that motherfucker plays soccer with a cigarette in mouth, then cries.

Pete Doherty is So Rock and Roll that He Leaves Court on Labor Day Like a Pirate

Pete Doherty Is So Rock And Roll He Gets Evicted GO

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I realize that this site isn’t growing. That people aren’t commenting. That I can’t get to 10,000 friends on Myspace when I was aiming or 1,000,000. That traffic hasn’t grown. That I am not making money so I am seriously planning on dropping the project like Jack Osborne dropped the nut into Kimmy Stewart back when she had implants because it has become BORING for me.

I am not going to lie, I go to sites like DListed and dude gets 100 comments per post. I get 4. I have been doing this a year longer than him. I hate being the whimpering asshole, and I really wouldn’t have much else to do with my time, however I’d rather do nothing with my time and get nothing in return for it than run around the internet 12 hours a day struggling to write funny posts and get nothing in return for it. It’s called beating a dead horse with your dick.

That said, Stepfather is officially for sale, I am going to be applying for a real job. Tell your friends.

Love Jesus

Bonus: The Disaster on Jack’s Back is Like the Disaster That This Site Is

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I was a victim of the Jessica Simpson media frenzy during Dukes of Hazard, where bitch was parading around in her bikini. I am not going to lie, her big titties and flas stomach hypnotized me into thinking the bitch was hot. Since bitch has got her divorce, she disgusts me. It all happened around the time of the divorce. I think a young married woman who has been with one dude and is off limits to all other dudes is kinda sexy. But once a divorcee you know there’s really no going back. You know she’s got baggage coming out of her fucking ass and that she sits in her hotel room and cries and if she’s not crying she’s eating and if she’s not eating she’s fucking random men who wanted a piece when she was married but couldn’t get any because she’s a good little bible thumping, jesus fucking, cunt. That said, she’s carrying herself like she’s got the weight of the world on her shoulders and she doesn’t seem to have any problem with it, cuz bitch is so muscular and built like a dude that she could take another plate. That was a gym reference for those of you who are fat and lazy like me. Now fuck off, I am going to go finger my ass while thinking about arm wrestling this slag. Cuddles Motherfucker.

Bonus: Some Pics of Bitch Rockin’ Out

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I was a victim of the Jessica Simpson media frenzy during Dukes of Hazard, where bitch was parading around in her bikini. I am not going to lie, her big titties and flas stomach hypnotized me into thinking the bitch was hot. Since bitch has got her divorce, she disgusts me. It all happened around the time of the divorce. I think a young married woman who has been with one dude and is off limits to all other dudes is kinda sexy. But once a divorcee you know there’s really no going back. You know she’s got baggage coming out of her fucking ass and that she sits in her hotel room and cries and if she’s not crying she’s eating and if she’s not eating she’s fucking random men who wanted a piece when she was married but couldn’t get any because she’s a good little bible thumping, jesus fucking, cunt. That said, she’s carrying herself like she’s got the weight of the world on her shoulders and she doesn’t seem to have any problem with it, cuz bitch is so muscular and built like a dude that she could take another plate. That was a gym reference for those of you who are fat and lazy like me. Now fuck off, I am going to go finger my ass while thinking about arm wrestling this slag. Cuddles Motherfucker.

Bonus: Some Pics of Bitch Rockin’ Out

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Dr Phil just said that his goal is to save Americans. That’s a pretty lofty goal, especially compared to my goal which is to not die in my sleep today. I left the house this afternoon to buy myself some meat. I figured 2 dollars of groundbeef and a can of cream of mushroom soup can feed a family of four when you only have 2 dollars in the bank, and by back I mean pocket because I can’t get approved for a bank account. I also got an onion because it is 30 cents of flavor baby. The guy behind me said “you never steal a man’s onion” and I assume he was coming onto me. I heard him talking to someone about his audition for a TV show. I should have asked for a stepINTERVIEW. I also saw a Jewish mom dancing to Kylie Minogue’s “I can’t get you out of my Head” while her 8 year old daughter spanked her ass, repeatedly. The whole experience was pretty surreal because everyone in the store seemed to be gettind down to Minogue, like you’re about to get down to my links you motherfucker. I spent all day finding these for you.

PS – My Traffic Hasn’t Grown in 2 years. But I have decided to come to terms with the fact that I will never be famous. Now click the fucking links. Thanks in Advance, Motherfucker.

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I just spent an hour on the phone with a financial advisor. He called me from Berkshire, Warren Buffet’s company and was asking me if I wanted to attend a seminar. I have no fucking idea where he got my number but I decided to fuck around with him, asking him questions about what he thought would be a sound investment. I told him I was willing to put 100 percent of my savings into his control and dude got a boner. I rode it out for the 45 minutes before dropping the bomb that my savings were a total of $2. I guess motherfucker doesn’t read this site, but then again either do you.

I’d like to address a serious issue that I neglected in the Rachel Steven’s post today, and that is that Stephen Dorf got hep from Pam Anderson (thanks cybermule). If I had put that one together before that post would have taken a whole different comedic approach because hep jokes always make me laugh, where as lame hot girls gone fat commentary doesn’t.

Either way I am a fucking hack and here are some pictures of Bai Ling, because bitch is a bigger hack than me. Cuddles.

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A good friend of mine used to find Caroline Rhea the hottest middle-aged person on TV. We all used to laugh at him because we all knew she was disgusting, including him, but I guess it was one of those things that he couldn’t control. He was probably drawn to her big tits, that’s the only thing I can think of to rationalize it. I know that all of us have been attracted to someone we normally never would look at twice. Like this one time I caught myself moving here for a girl I thought was average looking and a little chubby in the pics she sent me over the net, which to my surprise was taken 10 years/120 lbs earlier….either way sometimes you gotta suck it up and do what you have to do. In my friend’s case it was jerk off to thoughts of Caroline Rhea, for some of you it was worse leaving you feeling guilty and humilated and for me it ended in a nice wedding reception at the local community center. We all do what we have to, it’s called survival.

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