I have just applied for a job at celebrity blog thesuperficial.com because I think it would be funny to get hired and do everything I can to bring them down while making some money off writing for the first time in my life. I’ll let you know if I get the job.

This is the bio I wrote about myself:

Jesus Martinez is the top celebrity blogger on the internet according to him. With a loyal fan base of 12 he brings the latest in celebrity gossip, nipple slips and vagina shots Hollywood has to offer. There was a time in Jesus Martinez’s life where he spent his days drunk and high and this life experience is reflected in his work.

There is no competition. He is better than anyone else including whoever the cunt you currently have writing your site. You should take advantage of the fact that he is broke, desperate for money and ready to start getting paid for his craft.

Jesus Martinez likes girls who have webcams, the color yellow and all things that involve self medicating. He is an emotional eater like the fat girl in your highschool and always wanted to be a professional ice fisherman, but could never find the ice.

Help Jesus Martinez find the ice.

Jesus Martinez also loves sitting, has an old TV he found in the trash and often finds himself watching Oprah on the one channel he gets.

Jesus Martinez married late in life to a lonely obese women with 2 stepdaughters but that doesn’t mean he can’t have a goodtime. Just last week he got caught spying on his neighbor in the shower, he won’t admit that he was in the wrong because she left her bathroom door unlocked. The police were never called.

Recently Myspace deleted his profile because he wrote about Female Ejaculation and how his life goal was to package it at sell it at every convenience store across America. It was intended to be the next big thing in energy drinks but he could never land the funding.

His last employer was at a local canning plant, where Jesus made sure the labels were on straight, but he got fired for trying to convince the receptionist to insert a can of peas in her ass and a can of creamed corn in her pussy.

Always an innovator and willing to work as hard as it takes, provided it takes less than 6-8 minutes a day.

Jesus Martinez’s website is currently the number one result for Bijou Phillips Aids, number one result for Kim Kardashian Pussy and the number 2 result of American Idol Blowjob all in Google.

Jesus Martinez has live blogged such high profile events as the Academy Awards, the American Music Awards and Lohan’s Appearance on Letterman.

He has also stepINTERVIEWED people like Montgomery Moose, Myspace Girl in a Bikini and the DJ in a picture with Lohan.

The success doesn’t end there, he has also personally stalked Lindsay Lohan as well as made numerous harassing phone calls to Paris Hilton and the guy who runs the cigar shop down the street who tried to rip him off, but he never chose to publish that, it was too close to his heart.

If you are looking for passion, good times and a grasp on all thing better than you, he is your man. The virgin chronic masturbating readers you currently cater to will find joy in his work.

If you’re looking for an article I wrote for a magazine that never got published check this out GO (It’s called how to have free sex with a hooker and it’s from 2 years ago)

That’s enough bigging myself up, my site is a piece of shit and so are you for reading it. I suck at life and it’s just funny to pretend I am a star for a few minutes…A lot like Jessica Simspon. Jessica is like a shit rainbow, many shades of brown…nice and ratty out and about fresh out of waking up in the gutter, just the way I like my women….but only because those were always the only kind of girl I could land.

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I have just applied for a job at celebrity blog thesuperficial.com because I think it would be funny to get hired and do everything I can to bring them down while making some money off writing for the first time in my life. I’ll let you know if I get the job.

This is the bio I wrote about myself:

Jesus Martinez is the top celebrity blogger on the internet according to him. With a loyal fan base of 12 he brings the latest in celebrity gossip, nipple slips and vagina shots Hollywood has to offer. There was a time in Jesus Martinez’s life where he spent his days drunk and high and this life experience is reflected in his work.

There is no competition. He is better than anyone else including whoever the cunt you currently have writing your site. You should take advantage of the fact that he is broke, desperate for money and ready to start getting paid for his craft.

Jesus Martinez likes girls who have webcams, the color yellow and all things that involve self medicating. He is an emotional eater like the fat girl in your highschool and always wanted to be a professional ice fisherman, but could never find the ice.

Help Jesus Martinez find the ice.

Jesus Martinez also loves sitting, has an old TV he found in the trash and often finds himself watching Oprah on the one channel he gets.

Jesus Martinez married late in life to a lonely obese women with 2 stepdaughters but that doesn’t mean he can’t have a goodtime. Just last week he got caught spying on his neighbor in the shower, he won’t admit that he was in the wrong because she left her bathroom door unlocked. The police were never called.

Recently Myspace deleted his profile because he wrote about Female Ejaculation and how his life goal was to package it at sell it at every convenience store across America. It was intended to be the next big thing in energy drinks but he could never land the funding.

His last employer was at a local canning plant, where Jesus made sure the labels were on straight, but he got fired for trying to convince the receptionist to insert a can of peas in her ass and a can of creamed corn in her pussy.

Always an innovator and willing to work as hard as it takes, provided it takes less than 6-8 minutes a day.

Jesus Martinez’s website is currently the number one result for Bijou Phillips Aids, number one result for Kim Kardashian Pussy and the number 2 result of American Idol Blowjob all in Google.

Jesus Martinez has live blogged such high profile events as the Academy Awards, the American Music Awards and Lohan’s Appearance on Letterman.

He has also stepINTERVIEWED people like Montgomery Moose, Myspace Girl in a Bikini and the DJ in a picture with Lohan.

The success doesn’t end there, he has also personally stalked Lindsay Lohan as well as made numerous harassing phone calls to Paris Hilton and the guy who runs the cigar shop down the street who tried to rip him off, but he never chose to publish that, it was too close to his heart.

If you are looking for passion, good times and a grasp on all thing better than you, he is your man. The virgin chronic masturbating readers you currently cater to will find joy in his work.

If you’re looking for an article I wrote for a magazine that never got published check this out GO (It’s called how to have free sex with a hooker and it’s from 2 years ago)

That’s enough bigging myself up, my site is a piece of shit and so are you for reading it. I suck at life and it’s just funny to pretend I am a star for a few minutes…A lot like Jessica Simspon. Jessica is like a shit rainbow, many shades of brown…nice and ratty out and about fresh out of waking up in the gutter, just the way I like my women….but only because those were always the only kind of girl I could land.

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I had a dream that a homeless dude ran up to me while I was having a nap in the park because he thought I was dying. I woke up with the sun in my eye and saw nothing but his muddy hand coming towards my chest to feel if my heart was beating. I don’t remember much else, but I think it’s a sign that homeless people are the new angle for this blog and instead of posting Kim Kardashian’s pussy, I am going to post homeless women’s pussies, and instead of celebrity nip slips, I am going to post squeegee chick nip slips, you know their little meth addicted nipples poking through their oversized shirts they found in a gutter that hang off their malnourished bodies. It would be a lot more interesting that the shit I post about now, so I think I had a revelation and now you are all part of it, admit it feels good to be part of something for the first time in your life….

Speaking of people a part of something, here is Lohan pretending to be part of the whole Oscar festivities by trying to outstage the award in her dress that’s brighter than the motherfucker. I guess she’s relevant to throw up in this revelation post because it won’t be long before she’s homeless and I’ll totally launch the sex tape, fuck I’ll even star in it as the dude who knock’s over her cup of change that leads her to her homeless man gangbang…

You may not know what I am talking about, but either do I, so we’re ok. But I do know that all those mirrors make me want to rip lines off every part of her fat body. I feel like I am more into her in the same way a farmer is more into his prize pumpkin or his plumpest turkey during thanksgiving…a fat lohan is good for business, provided I actually had a business and not a hackjob of a site…here are the pics, stop reading this now…

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I get excited whenever I see a celebrity’s tit because that is what my life is based on. Even if that celebrity isn’t really a celebrity but some hipster who accidentally lands roles because of the Make a Wish Foundation, they do nice things for people with AIDS at least that’s the story I’ve heard. When I see any opportunity to post any tit I jump on it, because the only tit I ever see in real life is on strippers or on my wife which are tits that don’t really count as tits because they are the size of a 14 year old dude. So even when the tit is on some movie poster, I feel obligated to post it. I am actually pretty surprised that she’s got tits this solid considering her ailment. Maybe I’ve been wrong about her all this time…

On a site note – google Bijou Phillips Aids GO

I’m such a rumor starter…maybe that’s why I like playing with my nipples while listening to Lohan’s Rumor Starter single on repeat….or it could be because I am weird.

The site is still working. This is a revolution.

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The thing I love about Petra Nemcova, other than the fact that she is pretty fucking decent lookin’ is that she runs after average looking men. On the surface, it gives hope to all you fucking losers who can’t get the fat albino from around the block to show you her white pube covered box, even when you offer her money, hope. But when you scratch beneath the surface you realize that the dude she’s with is the biggest thing to come out of the UK since that fat chick in the movie Titanic. Point of the story is that if you are a loser with no style you should start reading some self-help books on what women want. You should start practicing how to write poems and maybe one day, your lame song about falling in love with a girl you don’t know but saw on the subway will get some record execs wife soft and damp and forcing her husband to make you the next big thing. If you noticed, I assumed that the record exec was a man and not a woman. Is that why feminists always send me hate mail? I just call myself a realist.

Speaking of real, here is a little part of her nipple stickin’ out of her dress for you all to jerk off to while dreaming that you were James Blunt, probably not the first time you’ve done that. Weirdo. Nip slips are getting boring, but not as boring as trying to fix website when you have no knowledge of anything more than nip slips. Either way, remember, you’re beautiful in my eyes, and that’s all that really matters. But I have no standards. Cuddles….

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The thing I love about Petra Nemcova, other than the fact that she is pretty fucking decent lookin’ is that she runs after average looking men. On the surface, it gives hope to all you fucking losers who can’t get the fat albino from around the block to show you her white pube covered box, even when you offer her money, hope. But when you scratch beneath the surface you realize that the dude she’s with is the biggest thing to come out of the UK since that fat chick in the movie Titanic. Point of the story is that if you are a loser with no style you should start reading some self-help books on what women want. You should start practicing how to write poems and maybe one day, your lame song about falling in love with a girl you don’t know but saw on the subway will get some record execs wife soft and damp and forcing her husband to make you the next big thing. If you noticed, I assumed that the record exec was a man and not a woman. Is that why feminists always send me hate mail? I just call myself a realist.

Speaking of real, here is a little part of her nipple stickin’ out of her dress for you all to jerk off to while dreaming that you were James Blunt, probably not the first time you’ve done that. Weirdo. Nip slips are getting boring, but not as boring as trying to fix website when you have no knowledge of anything more than nip slips. Either way, remember, you’re beautiful in my eyes, and that’s all that really matters. But I have no standards. Cuddles….

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The site being down makes me feel like I am Christopher Reeves bound to a wheelchair with little I can do. I just wait for someone to email me offering their expert blog knowledge to make all the headaches go away..Until that happens, all I can really do is surf the internet add links to my list of links and cry.

I just got drunk at an Irish pub where some dude was playing the fiddle. An old dude sat next to me and couldn’t hear anything I said. When he spoke he made no sense. He had no language but his own and it reminded me of this site. Thanks for reading my nonsense an let’s hope the site stays up today….

My site may suck right now, but I am still the best fucking blog according to me.

Here are my links. Cuddles.

Bonus – Christina Ricci’s Sex Scene With Timberlake in that New Movie

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