The fleshlight is a male sex toy that looks like a flashlight, but when you pop off the top you find yourself a big surprise. By surprise I mean a prosthetic vagina, mouth or anus. They come in a wide array of colors and are perfect for people like you. Once you admit to yourself that you have no chance in this world to get laid because your social skills are lacking, and let’s face it you aren’t a teen heart throb, the fleshlight is a great alternative. But it seems that the fleshlight isn’t all great…After the jump you will see a sad case of a man and his fleshlight. We call this piece the fleshlight suicide, and it was taken directly from the fleshlght message board. Have a great night loser.
Fleshlight suicide after the jump…
It’s not the Fleshlight’s fault, really. Just the fact that trying to use the one I ordered for my 34th birthday has rammed home the basic fact that I am a loser and that I am never going to get laid in my life.
I am apparently both too small and too big to use the Fleshlight. Small in the penis and big in the grossly overweight stomach. The result is that I apparently can’t get very deep into the thing and experience the ribbing and other textures.
I ordered four inserts at once, three supertights with the three sorts of textures — wave, ribbed, bumped — and one ultratight. With all of them I have been having an incredible struggle to find a comfortable position to get in with my enormous stomach to allow for using the thing long enough to get off. I apparently developed a way to masturbate by hand that deluded myself into thinking I was normal. I am obviously not. I can only seem to go about an inch and a half into this Fleshlight before my fat gets in the way and the smallness of my penis defeat the purpose. The incredible depression of the experience makes it hard for me to stay erect as the whole time I am thinking about what a deformed, out-of-shape loser I am, so I end up only half hard or less.
Today is my 34th birthday. I have never had a girlfriend in my life, due to being a shy fatass with an ugly skin condition that I was afraid of having anyone see by taking my clothes off. I am so incredibly fucking lonely and depressed. I just want to be able to hug a woman, to hold her in my arms. Sex is frankly secondary to me, which is lucky given that I haven’t had any except with my own hand.
I bought this thing thinking I would treat myself and make myself happier, but it has just driven home how fucked I am. I guess my only hope at this point is to find a woman who doesn’t mind me only using oral sex on her because my penis obviously doesn’t work very well.
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I don’t like award shows. They’re stupid, boring, and purely serve as a self-congratulatory pat on the back for Hollywood. Of course, if I ever win an award, I’m sure my tone will change quite quickly. At any rate, last night was the Golden Globes, and here are some of the attendees.
This is the Monday morning link dump. If you would like to send me a sardonic link you have you can always email me at: 
It’s been awhile since I posted a google image of the day. Well lucky for you, today’s word is “Peeing” and here are what I consider to be the best results….If you think I am wrong, I don’t really care, because I am the one typing here and you aren’t…..
