This is what Paris Hilton looks like leaving the gym. As a fat man, I have no idea what happens inside a gym, or what is considered to be stylish gym apparel. I find the tri-color leopard print as classy as Brooke Hogan. But what the fuck do I know. I remember in elementary school, we had a lunch monitor who is probably the reason I am the way I am. She used to rock the tightest jeans, highest heels, tons of make-up, low cut shirts and bleached blond hair. A total fucking pornstar of a woman. She had a weird kid with a mullet who was in my school and a husband who wore leather pants. Shehad lots of animal print outfits. The family reminded me of Busch Gardens.

That’s the story I heard.

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I remember the mid 90’s like they were 10 years ago. I was drunk all the fucking time and had a great time doing whatever the fuck I did. I remember getting kicked out of a lot of bars and slammin a lot of college ass, because although not actually enrolled in any college, walking around campus and goin to all their useless parties was not against the rules. Point of the story is that in the 90s Oasis were a huge band, I hated them. All Saints were a huge band, I wanted to fuck them and a lot of other shit music was being pumped here from England. Turns out the dude from Oasis married and knocked up the girl from All Saints and this is how they vacation in the beginning of June, on a fucking million dollar sail boat. Funny how all you other fuckers are working 40 hours a week 49 weeks a year for your shitty salary to save up for your shitty vacation camping in the woods just upstate. Keep telling yourself that you love your life. Asshole.

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So her name is Kim Kardashian . Which means one thing. She’s Armenian. The only reason I know that is because my lawyer is Armenian and his name ends in “ian”. I used to have a big breasted internet girlfriend who was Armenian too and her name ended in “ian”. I also used to talk to another celebrity blog for about a minute, and they were all Armenian. Their names all ended in “ian” too. I guess I could be wrong, it’s happened before.

On a side note, I used to have a friend named Ian. He wasn’t Armenian. He was white and lived with his mom in a rich part of town. Ian was a really cool guy but had middle child syndrome and that led to a bit of a drug problem. Dude knew the pharmaceutical encyclopedia better than the pharmacist at the pharmacy we worked at together. Ian was a recovering heroin addict when I met him, but felt the need to talk about heroin every fucking day. Ian started coming out to bars with me and getting shit wasted with me and he’d start missing the heroin, but had told himself that he wouldn’t touch the shit. So every night we’d be out and Ian would disappear….I’d hear from him 3 days later only to find out that he went out on a coke binge. Not coke like you and your friends are doing. Motherfucker would shoot it up.

Point of the story is that Ian was a good friend of mine, and shooting cocaine became more and more regular and he had 12 prescriptions from 6 pharmacies and 12 doctores for sleeping pills for when he was coming down, and he’d show up at work all busted up and half dead, and that’s when I started to stop hanging out with him. It’s hard to mack bitches at bars when your partner in crime is in the corner convulsing/drooling or whatever it is that he did. So Ian’s not living in rich part of town anymore, he died when he was 26.

On that note, here’s Nick Lachey’s new girlfriend. Brown and exotic just like my shit after I eat a pineapple.

Cuddles..

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So her name is Kim Kardashian . Which means one thing. She’s Armenian. The only reason I know that is because my lawyer is Armenian and his name ends in “ian”. I used to have a big breasted internet girlfriend who was Armenian too and her name ended in “ian”. I also used to talk to another celebrity blog for about a minute, and they were all Armenian. Their names all ended in “ian” too. I guess I could be wrong, it’s happened before.

On a side note, I used to have a friend named Ian. He wasn’t Armenian. He was white and lived with his mom in a rich part of town. Ian was a really cool guy but had middle child syndrome and that led to a bit of a drug problem. Dude knew the pharmaceutical encyclopedia better than the pharmacist at the pharmacy we worked at together. Ian was a recovering heroin addict when I met him, but felt the need to talk about heroin every fucking day. Ian started coming out to bars with me and getting shit wasted with me and he’d start missing the heroin, but had told himself that he wouldn’t touch the shit. So every night we’d be out and Ian would disappear….I’d hear from him 3 days later only to find out that he went out on a coke binge. Not coke like you and your friends are doing. Motherfucker would shoot it up.

Point of the story is that Ian was a good friend of mine, and shooting cocaine became more and more regular and he had 12 prescriptions from 6 pharmacies and 12 doctores for sleeping pills for when he was coming down, and he’d show up at work all busted up and half dead, and that’s when I started to stop hanging out with him. It’s hard to mack bitches at bars when your partner in crime is in the corner convulsing/drooling or whatever it is that he did. So Ian’s not living in rich part of town anymore, he died when he was 26.

On that note, here’s Nick Lachey’s new girlfriend. Brown and exotic just like my shit after I eat a pineapple.

Cuddles..

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I want to be a celebrity dog, only because they get to ride in taxis and drink mineral water. Luxuries I can’t afford running this garbage site. I am feeling bitter today. I am in debt, I am making no money off this fucking site and no one’s reading it. So I am trying t figure out the fucking point. I guess this is why AA makes you get a fucking sponsor, you know someone to consult when you’re feeling envious of a celebrity dog.

I think the real fucked up thing is that I am not even envious about the fact that the dogs get to see their masters naked/have sex/doing yay/farting/cumming/ or get to sniff their master’s cooches when they are “raggin'” or accidentally brush up against their celebrity tit. I figured out that I am not envious of that aspect of being a celebrity dog because these pics are of Drew Barrymore and she looks like the busted old truck her dad knocked her mom up in….

On a side note, I was with the montreal girl who broke up Ethan Hawke’s Marriage. She’s friends with my ONLY fan….anyway…bitch was drunk and got all fucking psycho on her dog named Buddha, rubbing him all up and down and shit…not only did it make me feel really uncomfortable but I thought I was in some kind of crazy person therapy session….where they give them dogs to distract them from their schizo episodes

Here’s her clothing site – Peep her Shit (hahaha) (and drop her an email, bitch hasn’t updated her site since 2004)

Lastly, I realize Barrymore is “Zieg Heiling” a cab….but we don’t need discuss Drew Barrymore any more than we already have….

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We all know that Chrsitina is with her husband because he has a big dick. That hit the tabloids a long time ago, but dude’s also got a lot of money from being successful at whatever it is he does. SO the point of the story is if you’re ugly and have a big dick/wallet/both you can land some X-Tina caliber pussy. I am not saying Christina’s got the best cooter in town, I have heard that latina girls have meaty junk, but I am sure some of you readers are into that. I am also sure that a lot of you are probably into some of the weirdest jerking off possible. When the only play you’ve had in your life is yourself, you tend to switch things up to keep it interesting. I guess chronic virginity is a bitch and it’ll make you do weird things to yourself. Wow – Another really bad post…that’s 2 for 2. Today’s gonna be one of those days where I struggle to get the goods out. i can feel it.

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We all know that Chrsitina is with her husband because he has a big dick. That hit the tabloids a long time ago, but dude’s also got a lot of money from being successful at whatever it is he does. SO the point of the story is if you’re ugly and have a big dick/wallet/both you can land some X-Tina caliber pussy. I am not saying Christina’s got the best cooter in town, I have heard that latina girls have meaty junk, but I am sure some of you readers are into that. I am also sure that a lot of you are probably into some of the weirdest jerking off possible. When the only play you’ve had in your life is yourself, you tend to switch things up to keep it interesting. I guess chronic virginity is a bitch and it’ll make you do weird things to yourself. Wow – Another really bad post…that’s 2 for 2. Today’s gonna be one of those days where I struggle to get the goods out. i can feel it.

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I used to think Moustaches were the the sleaziest thing you could do to your face, thus making it the coolest thing to rock. I remember when I had a slammin’ handlebar moustache in every dream of myself. I’d wake up thinking to myself how cool it looked, but unfortunately for me, at the age of 35, I still can’t grow a motherfucker. But on the bright side every fucking hipster has one and now Ashton Kutcher’s got one, meaning every lame jock will have one this summer making the moustache the lamest fucking thing you can have on your face.. If this was 1998 I’d be giving dude praise for pushing the boundaries of cool..but it’s not. Sheep. Speaking of sheep I was at a bar the other day and 2 lame jocks were wearing 70’s tennis gear, you know jacked up socks, wooden racket, white lacoste, white shorts and fucking sweatbands. That novelty tennis trend died when Royal Tennenbaum’s came to video. I imagine those guys will be rockin’ the stache by the end of the summer. That said. I am just waking up and this post was bad. I’d apologize, but you probably aren’t even reading this.

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I used to think Moustaches were the the sleaziest thing you could do to your face, thus making it the coolest thing to rock. I remember when I had a slammin’ handlebar moustache in every dream of myself. I’d wake up thinking to myself how cool it looked, but unfortunately for me, at the age of 35, I still can’t grow a motherfucker. But on the bright side every fucking hipster has one and now Ashton Kutcher’s got one, meaning every lame jock will have one this summer making the moustache the lamest fucking thing you can have on your face.. If this was 1998 I’d be giving dude praise for pushing the boundaries of cool..but it’s not. Sheep. Speaking of sheep I was at a bar the other day and 2 lame jocks were wearing 70’s tennis gear, you know jacked up socks, wooden racket, white lacoste, white shorts and fucking sweatbands. That novelty tennis trend died when Royal Tennenbaum’s came to video. I imagine those guys will be rockin’ the stache by the end of the summer. That said. I am just waking up and this post was bad. I’d apologize, but you probably aren’t even reading this.

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I love how all you fuckers dis me for the links I choose. You call me a spammer and all kinds of fucking names. Keep it up – I will just post more fucking links everyday. Eventually – this garbage site will just be outbound links to crap….and then maybe you’ll stop comin’ by. Motherfucker. That said, if you have any links for me to put up submit that shit to my email . It’s the envelope at the top of the page – asshole.

Paris Hilton Paprazzi Video from the Weeked (she’s smoking a J in it)

On the MTV Movie Award Red Carpet with Jossip

Paul McCartney’s One-Legged Whore Ex-Wife When She Had 2 Legs and Was Naked

Ann Angel and Sexy Sandy Webcam Session HOT

Beyonce’s Walmart Executive Performance

Jessica Alba Nipple (kinda)

Stephanie Seymour See-Through Dress

OLD Ass To Mouth Fruit Catching Video (I think I banged the one on the Bottom)

So you think you can Throw Up….

Charlize Theron Cap – Topless in Pool

Point of the Story is India is Perverted

Cayos Has Compiled a Few of the Best Babe Galleries…

To my ugly readers…Extreme Makeover Casting Call

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