If you are one of the five screaming girls that are fans of Lindsay’s music then today is your lucky day. Brought to you first from the “The Home of Lohan” is her latest music video for her song “over.”

Video Here

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I know a lot of you readers are perverts. I know a lot of you probably don’t get laid often and probably can’t afford a hooker, so I decided to give all of you some great masturbation tips on the lonliest day of the year, to help you get through the night and hopefully to prevent a couple of suicides.

Masturbation techniques – After the jump

BANANA MAN

This is an easy one. Simply peel a banana (you can eat it later), slip the peel over your penis, and masturbate with it. The banana slime is a great lubricant. You can warm up the peel in the microwave for added sensations. Also, you might have better results if you peel the banana by making just one cut in the peel and removing the fruit through the single cut; you can then cut off the end of the banana peel and insert your penis through that end.

THE LITTLE BOXERS

Put on some old boxer shorts that are too small, and pull your penis and scrotum out of the fly. Then pull the shorts up so they are tight, and fold the tops down, so you have a little bikini-type thing with your penis sticking out the front. This puts pressure on your penis that feels good, and masturbating like this provides a different sensation.

Variation: Use your little brothers superman tighties…it’s fucking hot…

MATTRESS SANDWICH

This one is rather odd but cool. First get an erection, and then take a pillow and crawl between the box-spring and mattress of a twin-size bed. (Full, king, and queen mattresses are too heavy.) Lie on your back, position the pillow between you and the mattress, and thrust your hips against the pillow. The weight of the mattress is a new and interesting sensation. Beware — If someone walks in on you, you’ll have a tough time talking your way out of this one!

VARIATION: WITH A CONDOM
If you use a condom while using this technique, the sensation is better and the orgasm lasts a bit longer.

EGGPLANT JAM

Select an eggplant that is sufficiently larger than your erect penis. Cut a hole in the peel that’s the exact size of the base of your erect penis. Then make a hole in the pulp smaller than your erection (using a broom handle works well). Then put the eggplant in the microwave for about a minute and a half, just so it gets warm inside and starts to get a little soft, but don’t really cook it. Then, after you make sure with your finger that the inside is cool enough, put in some lube (try coconut oil), put the eggplant between a couple of pillows, and make eggplant jam. Or, you can lie on your back and just move the eggplant back and forth on your erect penis.

PURE GOLD

For someone with a little pocket money to spend: First, buy a small container of Gold Bond Medicated Powder at the drugstore. Throw a towel onto your bed and lie on top of it. (Gold Bond sticks to everything, so it’s good to be able to shake out the towel and have a shower after.) The technique itself is very simple: Just sprinkle a bit of the powder onto your hand, rub it onto your penis, and enjoy — no masturbation required. After a few minutes it will start to tingle. This sensation will grow until it’s almost a burning
sensation, but it doesn’t actually hurt. The stimulation alone will give you an erection. The sensation will change almost to numbness, but it will be blissful at the same time. This feeling lasts for a good, long while until your brain kind of shifts into orgasm mode. The stimulation is subtle, but because the stimulation doesn’t slow down during the orgasm, it is very intense. (Not everyone who tries this technique will get all the way to orgasm without additional stimulation.) You can put some on your scrotum, too, for added pleasure. Try holding back for as long as you can. A can of Gold Bond costs about $5, but it goes a long way.

THE BAGGIE & THE MATTRESS

Get a plastic sandwich baggie and put some Vaseline in it. Then put your penis in and squish all the Vaseline around so it covers your penis. Once that is done, kneel in front of a bed. Lift the up mattress and put your penis, with the baggie still on it, between the mattress and the box-spring. Start pumping as if you were having sex. When you’re done, all you have to do is throw away the baggie.

Bonus : Lube Recipe

SLICK-ACTION LUBE

Ingredients:
3 soup spoons of mayonnaise
1 teaspoon clove-oil extract
1 cup olive oil
1/2 large tube K-Y Jelly

Mix ingredients well in a bowl. With your hand, pick up a large glop and place your penis into it. Begin to stroke.

It’s messy but cool, soothing, and the clove oil gives your erection new rigor.

via JackinWorld (oops)

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I tell you what I want – what I really, really want, I want a stripper turned pop star naked on the beach. Yes, I have seen her erotic pics from when she was working back alley strip clubs back in the UK, but now that she has money, her taste is a little more expensive, and her tits are a little smaller, she is still the same UK Stripping slut to me.

So after the jump- you will find a Geri Halliwell topless on the beach….

Via TaxiDriverMovie

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I know a lot of you readers are perverts. I know a lot of you probably don’t get laid often and probably can’t afford a hooker, so I decided to give all of you some great masturbation tips on the lonliest day of the year, to help you get through the night and hopefully to prevent a couple of suicides.

Masturbation techniques – After the jump

BANANA MAN

This is an easy one. Simply peel a banana (you can eat it later), slip the peel over your penis, and masturbate with it. The banana slime is a great lubricant. You can warm up the peel in the microwave for added sensations. Also, you might have better results if you peel the banana by making just one cut in the peel and removing the fruit through the single cut; you can then cut off the end of the banana peel and insert your penis through that end.

THE LITTLE BOXERS

Put on some old boxer shorts that are too small, and pull your penis and scrotum out of the fly. Then pull the shorts up so they are tight, and fold the tops down, so you have a little bikini-type thing with your penis sticking out the front. This puts pressure on your penis that feels good, and masturbating like this provides a different sensation.

Variation: Use your little brothers superman tighties…it’s fucking hot…

MATTRESS SANDWICH

This one is rather odd but cool. First get an erection, and then take a pillow and crawl between the box-spring and mattress of a twin-size bed. (Full, king, and queen mattresses are too heavy.) Lie on your back, position the pillow between you and the mattress, and thrust your hips against the pillow. The weight of the mattress is a new and interesting sensation. Beware — If someone walks in on you, you’ll have a tough time talking your way out of this one!

VARIATION: WITH A CONDOM
If you use a condom while using this technique, the sensation is better and the orgasm lasts a bit longer.

EGGPLANT JAM

Select an eggplant that is sufficiently larger than your erect penis. Cut a hole in the peel that’s the exact size of the base of your erect penis. Then make a hole in the pulp smaller than your erection (using a broom handle works well). Then put the eggplant in the microwave for about a minute and a half, just so it gets warm inside and starts to get a little soft, but don’t really cook it. Then, after you make sure with your finger that the inside is cool enough, put in some lube (try coconut oil), put the eggplant between a couple of pillows, and make eggplant jam. Or, you can lie on your back and just move the eggplant back and forth on your erect penis.

PURE GOLD

For someone with a little pocket money to spend: First, buy a small container of Gold Bond Medicated Powder at the drugstore. Throw a towel onto your bed and lie on top of it. (Gold Bond sticks to everything, so it’s good to be able to shake out the towel and have a shower after.) The technique itself is very simple: Just sprinkle a bit of the powder onto your hand, rub it onto your penis, and enjoy — no masturbation required. After a few minutes it will start to tingle. This sensation will grow until it’s almost a burning
sensation, but it doesn’t actually hurt. The stimulation alone will give you an erection. The sensation will change almost to numbness, but it will be blissful at the same time. This feeling lasts for a good, long while until your brain kind of shifts into orgasm mode. The stimulation is subtle, but because the stimulation doesn’t slow down during the orgasm, it is very intense. (Not everyone who tries this technique will get all the way to orgasm without additional stimulation.) You can put some on your scrotum, too, for added pleasure. Try holding back for as long as you can. A can of Gold Bond costs about $5, but it goes a long way.

THE BAGGIE & THE MATTRESS

Get a plastic sandwich baggie and put some Vaseline in it. Then put your penis in and squish all the Vaseline around so it covers your penis. Once that is done, kneel in front of a bed. Lift the up mattress and put your penis, with the baggie still on it, between the mattress and the box-spring. Start pumping as if you were having sex. When you’re done, all you have to do is throw away the baggie.

Bonus : Lube Recipe

SLICK-ACTION LUBE

Ingredients:
3 soup spoons of mayonnaise
1 teaspoon clove-oil extract
1 cup olive oil
1/2 large tube K-Y Jelly

Mix ingredients well in a bowl. With your hand, pick up a large glop and place your penis into it. Begin to stroke.

It’s messy but cool, soothing, and the clove oil gives your erection new rigor.

via JackinWorld (oops)

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(Bitter is not really the word. Though I realize that bitter is the thing that puts lines around your mouth and crows feet at your eyes. So the only way to really get over a lying sack of shit is a rebound, and of course bitterness. Yes, R E B O U N D. Say it with me ladies. (I know, has it really gotten to this?) So I go out and find my target. Approval all around. Perfect, tall, nice ass (great for grabbing and pulling towards you), big smile, juicy lips…. And bang he leaves with, okay get this, an older plainer, fatter, smaller breasted lady. Holy fuck! When did standards get skewd. I did not get the memo. Then I go home and wake up to half strange wet dream. Like someone poured camomile tea in my panties. Nipples hard.

When did dating get so hard? Actually not dating, just fucking. Like I have to fill out a series of forms, as if I am getting a video membership. Or even a credit card for that matter. All I want to do is get over a lying, cheating, sack of American shit. Do I have to make it part of my list to Santa. Please Santa bring me a man, not a boy this time. Someone that opts for telling me the truth before he turns our relationship into a proverbial arm and hangs in out of the bus window, just waiting for it get knocked off. Happy Valentines Day.

Read Part 1

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I believe in a thing called love, I may never find it,I like to think I have, but let’s not bullshit here….my fat wife makes a great Poutine but she’s no Minxy Winxy.

I like to think that everyone needs that special someone to ground them, to give them balance, and to be their worst and best critic, most importantly their best friend and partner in crime. Finding this person isn’t easy, so on day’s like today, I can understand why you may get down and depressed and shit, especially if all your friends are going out on dates, while you are going home to jerk off to internet porn, and hopefully bust hard and good.

For those of you with girls you don’t like or no girl at all – you best click “the jump”

more goods at FUCK VALENTINE’S DAY via DoubleViking

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I believe in a thing called love, I may never find it,I like to think I have, but let’s not bullshit here….my fat wife makes a great Poutine but she’s no Minxy Winxy.

I like to think that everyone needs that special someone to ground them, to give them balance, and to be their worst and best critic, most importantly their best friend and partner in crime. Finding this person isn’t easy, so on day’s like today, I can understand why you may get down and depressed and shit, especially if all your friends are going out on dates, while you are going home to jerk off to internet porn, and hopefully bust hard and good.

For those of you with girls you don’t like or no girl at all – you best click “the jump”

more goods at FUCK VALENTINE’S DAY via DoubleViking

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The Drunken Stepfathers animal of the day continues with another riveting insallment. Today we examine the American Alligator, a bold and savage beast. We are still going through our fan mail from our last animal of the day the African Elephant so go easy on us.

The blunt-snouted alligator is grouped together with the caimen species into the family Alligatordae. Alligators can be distinguished from crocodiles by the fourth mandibular tooth which fits into the upper jaw and cannot be seen when the jaw is closed. In crocodiles, this tooth is visible at all times. The biggest danger to alligators is the human race.

More info and pictures after the Jump

Niche / Habitat

The American Alligator’s niche is to eat animals that come close to its dwelling. It keeps the animal population down around the swampy areas. This animal is not a nocturnal animal. It comes out in the day and sleeps most of the night.

Adaptations

Some of the adaptations of the alligator are its back webbed feet for steering and bulging eyes which make it look like a log. American alligators have very dark and camouflaged skin. They also have very sharp teeth for ripping off flesh and eating prey. Nostrils on top of their long noses help them to breathe on top of the water.

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Valderrama is out of control, after dating every it girl in Holywood he’s lowered his standards. I remember when I lowered my standards for about 2 months. It was really hard explaining why the family goat got syphlis….how does the expression go, Don’t shit where you eat… well I learnt not to fuck the family’s milk supply…..

Ashlee Seeing Lindsay Lohan’s Ex Wilmer Valderrama

*TV STAR WILMER VALDERRAMA (FROM “THAT ’70s SHOW”) HAS DATED THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN HOLLYWOOD, EVERYBODY FROM JESSICA ALBA TO LINDSAY LOHAN — BUT NOW HE’S TAKEN A STEP DOWN IN CLASS, HE’S SECRETLY BEEN SEEING ASHLEE SIMPSON.
THEY’VE TRIED TO STAY OUT OF SIGHT, GOING TO LOW-KEY PLACES LIKE “STUDIO YOGURT” IN SHERMAN OAKS — FINALLY, LAST WEEKEND, THEY WENT PUBLIC — THEY WERE DANCING AT THE TRENDY CLUB “AVALON” — A FRIEND OF ASHLEE’S SAYS “SHE’S REALLY INTO HIM, BUT HE’S NOT READY FOR ANOTHER SERIOUS ROMANCE, ESPECIALLY WITH SUCH A YOUNG GIRL. THEY’RE DEFINITELY DATING, THOUGH”
ANOTHER FRIEND OF ASHLEE’S SAYS “SHE’S CRAZY ABOUT WILL, AND SHE CAN’T WAIT TO TELL THE WORLD. BUT FOR THE TIME BEING, SHE’S ONLY TELLING HER CLOSEST FRIENDS” — A SOURCE CLOSE TO WILMER SAYS “WHEN HE WAS DATING JESSICA [ALBA], OR LINDSAY, OR MANDY MOORE, HE WAS ALWAYS TAKING THEM OUT AND SHOWING THEM OFF. BUT WITH ASHLEE, IT’S LIKE HE’S TRYING TO HIDE. DRAW YOUR OWN CONCLUSIONS”…

Source: Staff: Mark Shipper with Forrest Nelson
Premiere Radio Networks, 15260 Ventura Blvd, Sherman Oaks, CA 91403

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This woman contacted us to advertise a Valentines Day gift idea. I gave her a call and she gave me a long winded story about how her husband is sick and that she needs money to eat.

They were really poor, because her husband hadn’t worked in so long and she was desperate. I asked her about her Valentine’s Day gift idea and she told me that she found a rock shaped like a heart on her property.

She was convinced that it would make an amazing gift for the right person. I told her that my readers wouldn’t buy a rock, and that she should consider putting it on Ebay. She refused because she didn’t want the rock to leave American soil. The thought of immigrants buying her rock disgusted her. Needless to say I am an asshole who lacks empathy and I find humor in poor people and stupid people so I asked her to send me a picture and description of the rock and when she told me she could only mail me an hard copy I convinced her to get it scanned.

I think that I made her sacrifice a meal to get this picture to me…and that is the reason Deb’s heart shaped rock is the Valentines Day Gift of the Year….

Rock and Details after the jump….

The Fieldstone is Gray and measures 3ft by 3 ft across.
With a thickness of approximately 5 inches. Starting bid
is $10.000 plus shipping. I will pay 1/2 the cost of S/H.

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