I'll Make You Famous…
 
 

Archive for the Unsorted Category

2006

01

Jun

I am – Victoria Silvstedt Bikini of the Day

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Tits, tits tits, all I ever post about is fucking tits. I do it for the traffic and despite popular beleive this isn’t a pheromone site. They are just nice enough to give me money to pay my servers and my lawsuits when Nike, Jack Daniels, Miller and fucking Axe Deoderant spray turned my site down. Apparantly I write the word CUNT too many times for “Management” to approve.

Do you remember this bitch? You used to jerk off to her in the 90’s. I wasn’t jerking off in the 90’s. I was too jacked up on whatever I could get my hands on. It was a good 10 years, I don’t remember much about it, and that’s probably why it was good.

Her name is Victoria Silvstedt and I once sold some Swedish guy named Svena 40 bag of coke. Rumor is he’s her brother. I just made that rumor up. What I do wonder is why breast implants don’t work like donating your organs to science after you die. Why can’t a poor bitch have tits too? It’s just not fair.

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

01

Jun

I am – stepMUSIC: Gilian Welch

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Grover’s back with a brand new music post, and by brand new I mean dated. He likes to talk about music that was recorded in the 30’s and 40’s and that’s okay, because I listen to bluegrass and spreading the word on how it is going to be the next hipster sound is important to my band “State Prison Rodeo”. If you’re wondering why I know hipsters are going to fall in love with this bluegrass shit, it’s simple. They are always trying to find the next cool thing no one is onto. And since everyone has been programmed to hate country…they’re all gonna start getting hard for it, remember it always starts with one.

I think Jesus has mentioned a few times that I now live in North Carolina after leaving New York a few years ago. My music career didn’t pan out for me and now I live in Appalachian country. One of the best things that was born in these hills was the music and a couple of inbred kids with no feet. Appalachian and country music is probably the hottest music in the scene right now, the mainstream are just too busy dancing to electro and railing lines of coke.

A revival of the music came about with the soundtrack of “O’ Brother Where Art Thou.� Gillian Welch., possibly the best artist of all time came out of that movement. She sings like an angel and seems to have grown out of the hills themselves.

Welch is really from New York and LA, and her parents wrote for the Carol Burnett show, but that doesn’t make her music any less perfect. One of Welch’s influences is The Carter Family, which if you haven’t heard, you should. I don’t care what kind of crap you listen to – you need to check this out.

And for those of you who don’t know, The Carter Family includes June Carter, who Reese Witherspoon portrayed in “Walk The Line.� Here are a few songs from Gillian Welch’s first album, Soul Journey and a few Carter Family tunes that I enjoy.

Gillian Welch- “Look At Miss Ohio.�
Gillian Welch-“I Made A Lover’s Prayer�
Gillian Welch-“Make Me A Pallet On Your Floor�
The Carter Family-“Single Girl, Married Girl�
The Carter Family-“Can The Circle Be Unbroken�

Bonus Some Pictures of Hipsters Posting


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2006

31

May

I am – Step-by-Step: How To Have Free Sex With A Whore

DrunkenStepfather What Should I do?

Dear Jesus,

I really want to hook up with a hooker, but I really can’t afford one. I haven’t worked in years and I am a hurting motherfucker. I have fucked many girls, all of them were whores but none of them were professionals. Since I am broke, how can I get with a hooker? Keep in mind that I am so poor that I can’t even afford to eat! I look forward to your advice.

Drunken Stepfather – Guide to Free Sex with Hookers

All girls are hookers. Not because they reek of syphilis, or because they are sprawled out on the street corner looking for a piece of crack that may have fallen from their once tight fitting clothes. Addiction’s a bitch, but it is a great way to suppress the memories of being molested by that male figure in your life. You know, your teacher, uncle or if you’re lucky your father. Either way, girls all love money. I never see a rich ugly guy with a fat bitch on his arm. The fat bitches who no one wants are left for people like me, factory workers by day and internet celebrities by night. It’s some kind of survival of the fittest type shit.

Not all hookers are crack addicted victims of molestation. They aren’t all girls who work the street, willing to suck any stranger off for $20. Those are just the kind I like, but that is because the suffering in their eyes and the uncontrolable twitching gets me off. This isn’t about me, but I hate wallet-fucking bitches, who don’t realize that they are whores, because they hold down good jobs, but only sleep with rich dudes, I hate high-class escorts who overcharge and think they are the prettiest thing to hit your bedsheets, but since you probably don’t own bed sheets, I can get back to the orignal point of all this.

I have spent many nights with street whores, or what I like to call the “REAL DEAL�. Some of the more intense relationships in my life have been with prostitutes and that is not because I fear commitment or because I find STD scares exciting, but because I like victims of society, it reminds me of how fucked up the world is, but more importantly of my life on the streets, feeding my dog banana peels and spending days jacked on crystal banging the useless filth most people are scared of. In my time, I have learnt a few tricks that may be useful to you, if you are looking for ways to get free sex with a hooker, you fucking pervert. Take this advice:

I am going to be posting the Advice in Sections, Because I was told it would be easier to digest.

Drugs:

By my definition, paying for a hooker means that there is no cash transaction. Getting high with one implies that you are just showing her a good time even though that most hookers value drugs more than money, it’s not like they actually have rent to pay or food to buy. Trust me, this bitch does not have a mortgage or cable bill to deal with. Their lifestyle is all about getting fucked up, so if you’ve already stooped so low that your willing to stick your cock in this dirty, surprisingly wet hole, you might as well fully engulf yourself and smoke crack with one. The best way to approach this situation is get a hooker to a safe haven, either a hotel room, if you can afford one (rich kid) or a quiet alley, tell her straight up that you are going to hook her up with some rock. She will go for it and give’r, however I like to take this shit to the next level and by next level I don’t mean condomless, I was never into risk, I mean get her a little more than high, session that bitch until she overdoses, then fuck her while she’s convulsing. Not getting paid by you will be the least of your worries if she lives. Get up, walk away, and you my friend just had sex with a hooker without paying.

Kidnap her Kid:

Last time I checked kidnapping was illegal, so I don’t suggest that you really kidnap her kid, I wouldn’t want you to get arrested, but more importantly because she doesn’t know who her kid is, thanks social services! Remember prison fucking sucks, and one good hooker blowjob is not worth all the cock you’ll be sucking, so try to keep this as legal as possible. In this situation you need to be able to talk, you have to ask her questions about her past, her kids and where they are now. The hooker is your information source, so ask as many questions as possible, but don’t make it obvious, throw in some filler questions to throw her off. You are dealing with a crackhead here, so once you have the dirt on her, use it against her, reiterate everything she told you, but forgot she told you, because she’s a crackhead and she will start to get paranoid. She will completely forget that she told you how old little Miguel is, who the father is, why social services took him away, once she believes you, drop the bomb and tell her Miguel is being held hostage and that you want to cum in her face as ransom. If it is the only way to save little Miguel, bitch will have your dick in hand in no time! The only time this doesn’t work is when the whore is a teenage runaway and hasn’t had a kid yet, if this is the situation tell her that her mom died, emotionally fucking her up, filling her with guilt and in her raging tantrum, sneak out of the room. Don’t feel guilty, you just did her a favor, it’s not like her mom ever wants to see her failure daughter again anyway.

Taste Test:

The taste test is what all drug dealers do before a big deal, you walk in with the cash, but they always want to do a couple of lines with you before you leave. The same applies to whores, but it’s a little harder to work because you have to befriend the pimp or play one whore off the other. You have to go to a location that has a dense whore population, and get them to try to solicit you for business, make it very clear that you are more than ready to pay for the “time of your life� and your excitement will be enough to get their juices flowing, the opportunity to make money, no matter how often they suck cock in a given night is what drives them, so make them believe you are going to pay. You are the consumer and like every good consumer you want to hook up the best deal, so get them trying to “one-up� each other on what they are actually going to do to you. Eventually you are going get offered bonus, usually in the form of a blowjob, so the trick is to coordinate getting a blowjob from each of them as a mechanism to determine which one is worthy of your dime. Once you cum, either convince he bitches that neither of them made the cut and you’re going to test out the tranny-whore down the block, or more importantly start a fight between them, and when they are beating the shit out of each other, make your move, but watch out, these people have no desire to live, so the fights get out of hand. A variation of this is befriending the pimp, get him to trust you, which may mean giving him business in the past, or having dirt on him, that could get him in trouble with the law. If he feels like he owes you a good time to either keep your mouth shut, or as a promotion “buy one, get one free�, or ideally because he likes you, then he will hook you up with a slut, it’s his currency. He even gives his dad whores for father’s day, it’s just the way he works. But getting on a pimps good side is next to impossible, their walls are pretty hard to break down, but once you do, you’ll be in free stripper sex heaven.

Hooker with a heart of gold:

Everything with a Uterus, no matter how rotted out it is, has a hormonal inclination to make and raise babies. All the drugs in the back alley can’t take away this physiological predisposition a woman has, even if bitch is fucking crazed from syphilis and too cracked out to formulate a comprehensible sentence, she will always be ready to breast feed and nurture anything, nothing can stop that. The trick here is to tap into that motherly instinct and it isn’t easy, because although your penis is 3 inches, she will not buy that you are a needy child no matter how hard you suck her titty. You have to find common ground, make her feel for you, make her believe you have only stooped this low because your mom was never part of your life, the more you convince, the more likely she will start lactating and from my experience a mother rarely charges her kids for the hottest blowjob of your life. If she’s convinced this blowjob is the one thing you need to go on living, the philanthropic and motherly needs everything with a vagina has, will feel like she’s doing the right thing. It’s not easy to get a money hungry addict to oversee a fix, but it can be done, and it will be, just plan your sob story in advance and try not to laugh when she falls for it, which you won’t because I know you’re really sad.

Marry Her:

Offer her a warm meal and a shower. I am not talking about actually taking this bitch home to your parents and I would never suggest that you fall in love with a hooker, even if she’s the only girl who has ever talked to you. It really isn’t your fault your social skills are not up to snuff, you have spent your life scared of the opposite sex and this isn’t going to change overnight. So once you establish that you aren’t going to actually ask this girl to be your wife, you can get started but it has to be very clear that you will never be seeing her again, this is a one orgasm deal. The best strategy to get a stripper to think you will solve her problems is to offer her a warm shower. You do not want to bring them back to your house, because they will steal from you, so it is a great strategy to pull when you are house sitting for friends. Tell the bitch that she’s the prettiest thing you’ve ever seen, show compassion for her life of hard living and most importantly, get her to think you can offer her an out, because no one really likes spending a life of sucking dick for money, except maybe your sister, but that’s just because she’s a slut. Once the hooker believes your lies of a future together, she will never be able to bring herself to charging you, give her a fake number because you are “going our of town� for the weekend and go your separate ways. If you do not have the skills needed to have a hooker , who is down on herself and vulnerable to fall for you, you’re a lost cause and should give up on a quest for pussy. Remember her hopes for real love will be more than enough payment, and you officially just got a whore for free. Manipulating people is always fun.

Make Her Famous:

Everyone wants to be famous. People see that as a major out to all their problems both financially and emotionally. Fame seems to be a fantasy for everyone, and that’s only because the downside of fame, in comparison to the upside of lux living is really not that relevant. It would be unrealistic for you to promise her a record deal, especially if bitch can’t speak English, but it is possible to focus on what they do, which is sex for money. Being a pornstar is a hookers dream, they aren’t dreaming of world tours, they would just be happy making $1000 a week. The strategy is simple, tell them you run a porn site that will pay more than double what they make a day, all they have to do is continue what they are doing, only in a safer environment. The fact is that she’s never been on the Internet and what she knows of it is that a lot of people make a lot of money on the net. She will never know that you don’t run a site, because the internet is anonymous and more importantly, dot com millionaires are all dirty lookin’ people, just like you. Selling her on the dream is enough to convince her that now is a great time for an audition, and in this case the audition is her fucking you. Tell her that all the girls you have taken off the streets are millionaires now and they you can really turn her life around. You have the upper hand, and she will be eager to show you the talents she’s worked so hard developing. Remember when you are done say “I just made you famous, bitch�. If she’s good at what she does, who knows you could very well get her working for you, but this is not about career advice.

Getting a hooker to fuck you for free is easy, you just need to play on her insecurities and manipulate the shit out of her, I am not talking about manually manipulating the shit out of her, only because whores don’t shit, they are too constipated from all the drug use. There are no guarantees that this advice won’t get you killed, I will admit that few people have the talent I have in this environment, but dude, I think you can pull it off and remember a free hooker is a hell of a lot more rewarding than taking the bitch from the coffee shop out for dinner, only to slam her and deal with all her shit about wanting a relationship. This is good advice, but the success is all up to you. Cuddles!

With love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

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2006

31

May

I am – Cindy Crawford on the Beach

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There’s something really disturbing about the Social Distortion song being used in the trailer for the Break Up movie. I am not hard for Mike Ness like most girls with tattoos were 10 years ago, but I did have a couple of their albums and I just find it weird hearing music from years ago in mainstream media today. I guess that goes to show you that if you keep up the hard work eventually someone will pay enough attention and put your song in their TV show or movie. I think I first heard that album in ’94 or someshit, so those same tattooed bitches who were 18 and going to his shows then are 30 and decision makers now. The point of all this is to say I hope some of you motherfuckers are decision makers somewhere, because I am going broke fuckin’ fast and although the bitter poor Jesus Martinez makes everyone laugh….selling my computer and not posting wont. I am not saying it will have any impact on your life, there are only 10 readers here, but I am saying no more me. You can go back to your fluffy little website and help the likes of Perez Hilton and PinkTrent find boyfriends and spots hosting TV shows. Some people deserve celebrity. Other people deserve AIDS. You decide.

In the meantime, check out some Cindy Crawford on the beach pics. She’s wearing some Star Jone’s style outfit and you can’t see anything that would make you want to titty fuck her. But you can jerk off to her husband’s belly button or if that’s too gay for you, you can always tap into the memories of jerking off to her when you were 13 year old virgin listening to Ball and Chain or something like that….cunts.

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2006

31

May

I am – The Official Link Dump of the Day

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Smoking is officially banned in the city I live in. No more smoking in bars. End of an era or some shit. I quit smoking 6 months ago. I am just one step ahead I guess. Speaking of smoking, I saw some crackhead with BBQ Tongs, a ziplock bag and a disgusting rash on his leg. He was collecting cigarette butts off the street. He had about 100…I guess one man’s trash is another man’s treasure or whatver the fucking expression is. The next freakshow I saw was topless in stripped bike shorts and a fanny pack carrying a bouquet of flowers and a top hat that said 2000 on it, I assume motherfucker went nuts at y2k and hasn’t looked back…..Last crazy bitch I saw today was walking around in rubber boots yelling at cars for polluting the world….and now for the link dump.

Amateur Porn Always Makes Me Happy (By Happy I mean Horny)

Paris Hilton’s STDs (Almost a Funny Joke from my new favorite Celeb Site)

The Hilton Family Rockin’ Out at a Madonna Party(money doesn’t mean class)

Farmer Sells Toilet Seat Paris Hilton’s Ass Was On

Pheromones Work – I have Proof – Get Pussy And Support this Site (Send In The Stories!)

Reese Witherspoon is Pregnant Again, Because She’s a Slut

I know this bitch Mia won’t fuck you, but maybe she’ll donate her egg to your infertile wife (VERY HOT)

Weird Midget Porn (Not Safe for Anywhere)

Robin Tunney’s Wearing A See-Through Top (who?)

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2006

30

May

I am – stepMUSIC: The Replacements

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Grover is back with a stepMUSIC post. He was away from the computer this weekend for some kind of retreat in Maine…Retreats in Maine sound like some kind of obnoxious hippy shit, but I don’t ask questions. The dude knows music. I was just watching Dr. Phil and this mother hates her 7 year old because she is fat and has a skin disease. She doesn’t spend time with her, she spends her time with her cute daughter though, buys the cute one designer clothes, has birthday parties for her at hotel suites all while the fat rashed one gets treated like shit. She doesn’t even have her own bedroom….anyway Grover is like my ugly daughter, only I don’t mind hanging with him in public, because he doesn’t have a vagina. This is what he had to say today….

A little while back I was watching this show on television called “Lost.� One of the characters was on a show with Jennifer Love Hewitt a few years back, although for some odd reason, I can’t remember the name of that show. What I do remember is watching “Cant Hardly Wait� with Jennifer Love Hewitt and being pissed off that someone named a movie after The Replacements song of the same name. I already hated Jennifer Love Hewitt. Her starring in a movie that stole the name of a song by one of the greatest rock bands of all time would only make me hater her more. I felt like she was one of the worst people in the world, ever.

I did sit through that movie and they did play the song during the ending credits. It was an awful fucking movie. I find it amazing amazing that Jennifer Love Hewitt is worth MILLIONS of dollars because a of her her chest is a larger than yours. That is the ONLY reason she’s famous and rich. It’s pathetic Paul Westerberg on the other hand is the coolest motherfucker in the world.

Here are some other Replacements songs.

The Replacements-“Can’t Hardly Wait�
The Replacements-“Androgynous�
The Replacements-“Bastards of Young�
The Replacements-“I Will Dare�
The Replacements-“Gary’s Got A Boner�

Bonus: Jennifer Love Hewitt Pics

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2006

30

May

I am – The Chris from American Idol's Wife….

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It would be pretty obnoxious for me to say I am a comedy writer because of this site, mainly because it isn’t funny. I do tell girls in bars who I am trying to get naked. I know that you wouldn’t think being a fat comedy writer gets you back to a girl’s apartment where she proceeds to shave her box for you, but it works a hell of a lot better than “I have a blog”. That blog line is the tested formula for instant rejection, understandably. I rarely go home with the girls, I do it to massage my ego, I am a married impotent man and I don’t follow through on the bar scraps I meet. Speaking of marriage, here’s Chris from American Idol fighting with his fat wife. We all know where this is going to end up. Divorce. A relatively talented dude from a small town gets his big break to live the life he always dreamed of, only a little later in life than expected, after he accepted his fate of being a nothing and marrying a d-rate chick. Knocking her up and hating everything about it, but dealing with it because there really is nothng else to do…This dude now has the big break and a little fame and bitches all over the country probably want him inside them and he knows that the potential of fucking tons of hot girls, after trading the old busted model that is his wife in. She is the one thing standing between him and fun. But he’s a nice guy and feels like he owes this baggage a chance, because building up to the whole American Idol thing he told her he was loyal to her and wanted no other, now that it’s said and done and opportunities present themself . We all know that he will crack. He’ll be caught fucking some hot slut, and wife will be on the next flight back to whatever trashville they are from. Here are pictures showing the demise of thier marriage. In case you didn’t know….failed marriage is always comedy so technically – I just wrote comedy. See I never lie to the bitches.





Bonus:

Watch Chris Sing Stone Temple Pilots on the Street

Watch Chris and other Idols Out Signing Autographs After a Night Out

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2006

30

May

I am – The Chris from American Idol’s Wife….

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It would be pretty obnoxious for me to say I am a comedy writer because of this site, mainly because it isn’t funny. I do tell girls in bars who I am trying to get naked. I know that you wouldn’t think being a fat comedy writer gets you back to a girl’s apartment where she proceeds to shave her box for you, but it works a hell of a lot better than “I have a blog”. That blog line is the tested formula for instant rejection, understandably. I rarely go home with the girls, I do it to massage my ego, I am a married impotent man and I don’t follow through on the bar scraps I meet. Speaking of marriage, here’s Chris from American Idol fighting with his fat wife. We all know where this is going to end up. Divorce. A relatively talented dude from a small town gets his big break to live the life he always dreamed of, only a little later in life than expected, after he accepted his fate of being a nothing and marrying a d-rate chick. Knocking her up and hating everything about it, but dealing with it because there really is nothng else to do…This dude now has the big break and a little fame and bitches all over the country probably want him inside them and he knows that the potential of fucking tons of hot girls, after trading the old busted model that is his wife in. She is the one thing standing between him and fun. But he’s a nice guy and feels like he owes this baggage a chance, because building up to the whole American Idol thing he told her he was loyal to her and wanted no other, now that it’s said and done and opportunities present themself . We all know that he will crack. He’ll be caught fucking some hot slut, and wife will be on the next flight back to whatever trashville they are from. Here are pictures showing the demise of thier marriage. In case you didn’t know….failed marriage is always comedy so technically – I just wrote comedy. See I never lie to the bitches.





Bonus:

Watch Chris Sing Stone Temple Pilots on the Street

Watch Chris and other Idols Out Signing Autographs After a Night Out

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2006

30

May

I am – Bill Hicks the Internet Version….

Someone emailed me telling me that I was a modern Bill Hicks, I thought he was talking about the cowboy in that HBO western series, the one who got shot playing poker, so I didn’t write back because I hate wasting my time on stupid disses. I get them all the time. After a sober afternoon, I realized that I was the idiot and that the cowboy I thought he was calling me was actually named Wild Bill Hillcock not Bill Hicks. I know this is a fucking amazing story so far.

It turns out that Hicks was a comedian and since I never followed the comedy circuit, I was in the dark on this shit. I generally hate comedy shows because I hate hearing the same jokes over and over. I hate seeing people try to make people laugh with canned jokes. I hate that it is always rehearsed and it is just boring as shit. But that’s not the point, the point is that since people (1 person) is saying that this Hicks dude is a lot like me, I had to listen to his work. He died in 1994 of cancer at the age of 32, he does a lot of social comentary and it’s interesting enough, when you keep in mind that it is 17 years old. He has this one joke where he explains how an ex girlfriend motivated him to do what he does, because he thinks to himself that one day she will end up living in a trailer park, poor only to turn on the TV and see him on it. I once dropped that line to my first girlfriend who dumped me and broke my heart, so it was funny for me to hear that everyone or at least Hicks thinks the same way as me. My girlfriend went on to god knows what, and it’s been 15 years and I still haven’t made it on TV. I was always embarassed of my trailer park ex gf story because it’s a lot like American Idol rejects screaming “I’ll make it without this show, you’ll see me in hollywood one day and you’ll be kicking yourself….” Thanks Bill Hicks for opening up my heart to my useless readers. Just because you’re dead, doesn’t mean you’re not a fucking asshole.

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2006

30

May

I am -Joss Stone Bikini

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There were a few things that already depressed me today. I don’t really remember what they are because I am nursing a hangover, that I shouldn’t have because I only drank 6 drinks last night. But for some reason I feel like I was just prison-raped. I had to turn off the TV because The View was killing me. I remember watching the season of Survivor the shoe designer Elizabeth was on…I totally wanted to bang her, but like every useless suburban girl, she got married and had a baby before the age of 30. It’s a fantastic way to turn me right the fuck off. I am sure that’s why she did it, because I really have that much of an impact on people. I guess what it comes down to is that I am attracted to younger girls, and marriage and babies are too fuckin’ heavy for me to deal with and the 30 year olds who aren’t married and who don’t have kids are all fucked up mentally, because they know their body is telling them to make babies, but their mind is telling them to focus on their career, and to fill that confusion, they fuck like mad. So I would have to go with the the under 25 if I had a choice, still in university, they have little to no responsibility, they are tight bodied and they would only sleep with me while drunk or roofied up. The point of all this is to say that I don’t have the luxury of having these kinds of choices, I am the guy girls call a creep, but Joss Stone is a singer and in a Bikini with her Black boyfriend (or just some guy)….So how about you look at those instead of reading my trash.

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