I have received a few submissions for the you want to date a stripper contest and this is Entry #1. I don’t know if the date is still on, the stripper read the comments on the post and freaked out on me. I may have to pay the stripper to date one of you, but I still have hope and the contest is still on. The goal is to document the date and make a stepTV episode out of it, I just haven’t decided when the contest ends or how it’s going to happen, but none of that matters right now because this is only entry one. We’ve got plenty of time for this to fizzle out and die like all my other great ideas…

Dear Jesus,

I need some fame so I can afford Valtrex and kung foo lessons. I hear you make people famous. Maybe we can make a deal.

I’ve written you on myspace before and you ended up wanting some naked pictures of my girlfriend. I was tempted, just because I’m an asshole, but then my computer was stolen when I was drunk at some hipster party with my face between some chicks unshaven legs. I hope they enjoy the Fisting Teddy Ruxpin fetish portfolio I started…god, I was so close to making it big. That shit would have sold like hot cakes.

I’m a devoted drunkenstepfather.com reader (even joined that shitty Trendster thing which I think I’ve been on once cause I still think it sucks worse than sticking your twig and berries in a dirty vacuum attachment). I guess this would be the second time I’ve written you, and you can blame “Date a Stripper� for this shit.

I looked at that stripper chicks pictures and I can say that yep…kinda’ attracted, at least to her ass, but still not sure. I think she has a few ugly trees in the forest…it might be the transformer face syndrome. You know the disease, the one where the face changes shapes and weights whenever the light hits it at a different angle, and to tell the truth, I’m not too sure about her tits either, they might be filled with applesauce. Don’t get me wrong; ever since I was three years old I’ve loved apple sauce, I’d usually eat it after Saturday morning Cartoons, which would also apply towards your stripper friend. Bonus?? Not sure.

My proposal: I showed the Date a Stripper post to my girlfriend and she thought the chick was hot. And that’s where we need to help each other out.
I want you to document the making of a threesome. I’ll attach some preliminary pics…I can guarantee that if this chick heads down this direction, or if we head up there you will get naked pictures of her and that stripper friend of yours together, with toys, shaved gerbils, Chuck Norris, and a whiffle ball bat (and yes I will try and stay out of all the photos, cause I’m probably as ugly as you). How bout them apples? A live blog documentary! THE MAKING OF A THREESOME! I will even use my United Mileage points for airline fare to Denver Colorado for the action and adventure…Is she Canadian? Fuck I hope she has a passport.

Write back if you’re not too drunk, or if your wife isn’t forcing you to break out your cunnalingus skills on her poonternanty.

-Mr. Chris

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I was watching American Idol because I don’t have cable and when you don’t have cable you are forced to do things that you probably wouldn’t normally watch. American Idol is not one of those shows. I fucking love it. What I don’t love is that I am convinced that all these fuckers are faking it. I am talking the freakshows like the 6 ft 7 black chick, or the dude who thought he was Taylor Hicks and security kicked out for trying to style Simon’s hair….but the highlight of the show was the Fat dude in the Hawaiian shirt, but that’s just because people who wear Hawaiian shirts like the let loose and have a good time and his buddy the tree monkey. I don’t mean to re-live the show because it isn’t worth my energy, but it is all a fucking scam and I want my money back but then I realized that Paula Abdul jacked up on meds, growling and acting a fool may make me feel a little uncomfortable, but is worth my time, because watching rich people act as crazy as homeless people while making millions is a total fucking joke in and of itself….

That said here are some pics of Kate Moss for Agent Provocateur….I love her even though her ass fucking sucks…

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When I refer to a coinslot, I mean a specific type of vagina. One that isn’t meaty. I am not referring to ass crack, that’s something gay bloggers came up with and it’s made it’s way into the mainstream…but trust me when I say when they are talking about coinslot, they are pretending to talk about asscrack, but they are really talking about her slit….

Either way it’s still nice to watch Lohan talking about slot and dancing around with her raspy just enterted re-hab for being a crystal meth addicted cocksucker voice….

Lohan, if you’re out there, I’ll moisturize your coinslot, we are connected at the soul and that is why I stalk you….

Sometimes you gotta do things for your loved ones you would normally do. In this case, I’d do it even if we weren’t connected at the soul. Fuck, my writing gets pretty fucking lame sometimes..

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When I refer to a coinslot, I mean a specific type of vagina. One that isn’t meaty. I am not referring to ass crack, that’s something gay bloggers came up with and it’s made it’s way into the mainstream…but trust me when I say when they are talking about coinslot, they are pretending to talk about asscrack, but they are really talking about her slit….

Either way it’s still nice to watch Lohan talking about slot and dancing around with her raspy just enterted re-hab for being a crystal meth addicted cocksucker voice….

Lohan, if you’re out there, I’ll moisturize your coinslot, we are connected at the soul and that is why I stalk you….

Sometimes you gotta do things for your loved ones you would normally do. In this case, I’d do it even if we weren’t connected at the soul. Fuck, my writing gets pretty fucking lame sometimes..

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I have just spent the last 2 hours trying to get a girl to send me a picture of her bikini wax but I have no game. I don’t know how to massage the situation and actually make a girl feel sexy. I know that if I had that skill, I wouldn’t be married to the beast I am married to and my internet career would involve a lot more naked pics….I just ask girls straight up if they have nude pics, they always say no, then I ask them to take some, they always say no, then I ask them for pics of their cunt’s and they block and delete me…

I guess I’ll just stick to surfing porn, but there’s something exciting about getting girls you’re talking to to hook you up with pussy pics. The point of all this is to say that if you are a virgin and scared of girls in real life, once you have them on your IM, make them feel sexy, say all the lame shit that you see in movies cuz that’s what they want to hear….

That said, here are my links of the day…I feel like this is a long one….

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I am not writing anything to go along with this picture, I am just posting her tennis panties because it reminds me of a time I used to do landscaping a the local country club and I would stare at all the rich sluts’ asses in their tennis panties when they would bend over to pick up tennis balls…you all want to grand slam this chick but I save it for the courts. Here’s to run on sentences, fuck her and fuck you too if you don’t like how I be typing at 5 am motherfucker.

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These are Golden Globe pics from yesterday and despite trying to boycott the shit, I couldn’t help put post these pictures because the cleavage is next level. There is always something funny about fat chicks in push-up bras and it reminds me of all the nights I’ve spent at pretty shitty bars where all the girls in there were fat. They all used to exploit the shit out of their tits because that’s pretty much all they had going for them. I am sure they were nice people but you could only if they weren’t too busy eating slices of pizza but the only guys who bothered finding out were people like you with not much going for them…

Speaking of not much goin for them, here are Katherine McPhee’s tits…this is where this post ends because I’ve already spent too much time on this whore’s post and like the other posts better….

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These are Golden Globe pics from yesterday and despite trying to boycott the shit, I couldn’t help put post these pictures because the cleavage is next level. There is always something funny about fat chicks in push-up bras and it reminds me of all the nights I’ve spent at pretty shitty bars where all the girls in there were fat. They all used to exploit the shit out of their tits because that’s pretty much all they had going for them. I am sure they were nice people but you could only if they weren’t too busy eating slices of pizza but the only guys who bothered finding out were people like you with not much going for them…

Speaking of not much goin for them, here are Katherine McPhee’s tits…this is where this post ends because I’ve already spent too much time on this whore’s post and like the other posts better….

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I was thinking of writing the DrunkenStepfather tv show, I’m not talking about putting cameras in my shitty apartment, I am talking about hiring Horatio Sanz to play me and the bitch from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape to play my wife, line up two unknown sluts with hot bodies to play my stepdaugthers and show me hanging with homeless men, getting wasted with young girls at hipster events, dealing with the impotency my fat wife caused in my life because after being with her the thought of pussy makes my penis play turtle…Everytime I think about fucking, that rotten cheese and tuna sandwich comes back to me. Someone told me you never forget a smell and I hope to hell that’s not ture…

Anyway, I realized that no one would tune into my show, provided I actually sold to a network and that I really don’t have a story to tell, my life is just as boring as yours, so the dream of the DrunkenStepfather show being the next Seinfeld may be a little fucking crazy, but the dream of Mischa Barton in a bikini have come true..

Unfortunately for you, she realizes that she’s got a shitty dumpster body and that taking off her shorts would be offensive to all of us. Her hips don’t lie, but if they could they would tell her ass that it’s full and plentiful and that the aren’t disproportionate and awkward as a team….Either way, her dogs will always love her because she feeds them, dogs are loyal like that. I’d like to thank her for her consideration….I learned on the Golden Globes that that’s industry so fuck her and fuck you too. That’s my new line of the night…you like it?

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I was thinking of writing the DrunkenStepfather tv show, I’m not talking about putting cameras in my shitty apartment, I am talking about hiring Horatio Sanz to play me and the bitch from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape to play my wife, line up two unknown sluts with hot bodies to play my stepdaugthers and show me hanging with homeless men, getting wasted with young girls at hipster events, dealing with the impotency my fat wife caused in my life because after being with her the thought of pussy makes my penis play turtle…Everytime I think about fucking, that rotten cheese and tuna sandwich comes back to me. Someone told me you never forget a smell and I hope to hell that’s not ture…

Anyway, I realized that no one would tune into my show, provided I actually sold to a network and that I really don’t have a story to tell, my life is just as boring as yours, so the dream of the DrunkenStepfather show being the next Seinfeld may be a little fucking crazy, but the dream of Mischa Barton in a bikini have come true..

Unfortunately for you, she realizes that she’s got a shitty dumpster body and that taking off her shorts would be offensive to all of us. Her hips don’t lie, but if they could they would tell her ass that it’s full and plentiful and that the aren’t disproportionate and awkward as a team….Either way, her dogs will always love her because she feeds them, dogs are loyal like that. I’d like to thank her for her consideration….I learned on the Golden Globes that that’s industry so fuck her and fuck you too. That’s my new line of the night…you like it?

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