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Archive for the Unsorted Category

2006

06

Jun

I am – Drew Barrymore is a Piece of Dog Shit of the Day

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I want to be a celebrity dog, only because they get to ride in taxis and drink mineral water. Luxuries I can’t afford running this garbage site. I am feeling bitter today. I am in debt, I am making no money off this fucking site and no one’s reading it. So I am trying t figure out the fucking point. I guess this is why AA makes you get a fucking sponsor, you know someone to consult when you’re feeling envious of a celebrity dog.

I think the real fucked up thing is that I am not even envious about the fact that the dogs get to see their masters naked/have sex/doing yay/farting/cumming/ or get to sniff their master’s cooches when they are “raggin'” or accidentally brush up against their celebrity tit. I figured out that I am not envious of that aspect of being a celebrity dog because these pics are of Drew Barrymore and she looks like the busted old truck her dad knocked her mom up in….

On a side note, I was with the montreal girl who broke up Ethan Hawke’s Marriage. She’s friends with my ONLY fan….anyway…bitch was drunk and got all fucking psycho on her dog named Buddha, rubbing him all up and down and shit…not only did it make me feel really uncomfortable but I thought I was in some kind of crazy person therapy session….where they give them dogs to distract them from their schizo episodes

Here’s her clothing site – Peep her Shit (hahaha) (and drop her an email, bitch hasn’t updated her site since 2004)

Lastly, I realize Barrymore is “Zieg Heiling” a cab….but we don’t need discuss Drew Barrymore any more than we already have….


Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

06

Jun

I am – X-Tina's Marriage Contract

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We all know that Chrsitina is with her husband because he has a big dick. That hit the tabloids a long time ago, but dude’s also got a lot of money from being successful at whatever it is he does. SO the point of the story is if you’re ugly and have a big dick/wallet/both you can land some X-Tina caliber pussy. I am not saying Christina’s got the best cooter in town, I have heard that latina girls have meaty junk, but I am sure some of you readers are into that. I am also sure that a lot of you are probably into some of the weirdest jerking off possible. When the only play you’ve had in your life is yourself, you tend to switch things up to keep it interesting. I guess chronic virginity is a bitch and it’ll make you do weird things to yourself. Wow – Another really bad post…that’s 2 for 2. Today’s gonna be one of those days where I struggle to get the goods out. i can feel it.


Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

06

Jun

I am – X-Tina’s Marriage Contract

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We all know that Chrsitina is with her husband because he has a big dick. That hit the tabloids a long time ago, but dude’s also got a lot of money from being successful at whatever it is he does. SO the point of the story is if you’re ugly and have a big dick/wallet/both you can land some X-Tina caliber pussy. I am not saying Christina’s got the best cooter in town, I have heard that latina girls have meaty junk, but I am sure some of you readers are into that. I am also sure that a lot of you are probably into some of the weirdest jerking off possible. When the only play you’ve had in your life is yourself, you tend to switch things up to keep it interesting. I guess chronic virginity is a bitch and it’ll make you do weird things to yourself. Wow – Another really bad post…that’s 2 for 2. Today’s gonna be one of those days where I struggle to get the goods out. i can feel it.


Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

06

Jun

I am – Ashton Kutcher's Moustache

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I used to think Moustaches were the the sleaziest thing you could do to your face, thus making it the coolest thing to rock. I remember when I had a slammin’ handlebar moustache in every dream of myself. I’d wake up thinking to myself how cool it looked, but unfortunately for me, at the age of 35, I still can’t grow a motherfucker. But on the bright side every fucking hipster has one and now Ashton Kutcher’s got one, meaning every lame jock will have one this summer making the moustache the lamest fucking thing you can have on your face.. If this was 1998 I’d be giving dude praise for pushing the boundaries of cool..but it’s not. Sheep. Speaking of sheep I was at a bar the other day and 2 lame jocks were wearing 70’s tennis gear, you know jacked up socks, wooden racket, white lacoste, white shorts and fucking sweatbands. That novelty tennis trend died when Royal Tennenbaum’s came to video. I imagine those guys will be rockin’ the stache by the end of the summer. That said. I am just waking up and this post was bad. I’d apologize, but you probably aren’t even reading this.


Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

06

Jun

I am – Ashton Kutcher’s Moustache

ashtonkutcherTOP.jpg

I used to think Moustaches were the the sleaziest thing you could do to your face, thus making it the coolest thing to rock. I remember when I had a slammin’ handlebar moustache in every dream of myself. I’d wake up thinking to myself how cool it looked, but unfortunately for me, at the age of 35, I still can’t grow a motherfucker. But on the bright side every fucking hipster has one and now Ashton Kutcher’s got one, meaning every lame jock will have one this summer making the moustache the lamest fucking thing you can have on your face.. If this was 1998 I’d be giving dude praise for pushing the boundaries of cool..but it’s not. Sheep. Speaking of sheep I was at a bar the other day and 2 lame jocks were wearing 70’s tennis gear, you know jacked up socks, wooden racket, white lacoste, white shorts and fucking sweatbands. That novelty tennis trend died when Royal Tennenbaum’s came to video. I imagine those guys will be rockin’ the stache by the end of the summer. That said. I am just waking up and this post was bad. I’d apologize, but you probably aren’t even reading this.


Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

06

Jun

I am – DrunkenLink Dump of the Day

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I love how all you fuckers dis me for the links I choose. You call me a spammer and all kinds of fucking names. Keep it up – I will just post more fucking links everyday. Eventually – this garbage site will just be outbound links to crap….and then maybe you’ll stop comin’ by. Motherfucker. That said, if you have any links for me to put up submit that shit to my email . It’s the envelope at the top of the page – asshole.

Paris Hilton Paprazzi Video from the Weeked (she’s smoking a J in it)

On the MTV Movie Award Red Carpet with Jossip

Paul McCartney’s One-Legged Whore Ex-Wife When She Had 2 Legs and Was Naked

Ann Angel and Sexy Sandy Webcam Session HOT

Beyonce’s Walmart Executive Performance

Jessica Alba Nipple (kinda)

Stephanie Seymour See-Through Dress

OLD Ass To Mouth Fruit Catching Video (I think I banged the one on the Bottom)

So you think you can Throw Up….

Charlize Theron Cap – Topless in Pool

Point of the Story is India is Perverted

Cayos Has Compiled a Few of the Best Babe Galleries…

To my ugly readers…Extreme Makeover Casting Call

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

05

Jun

I am – stepMUSIC: Sleater Kinney

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My man Grover’s coming strong with some Lesbian music. That’s about all the intro I can handle for today. Look how many posts I made already. Now send me money you fuckers.

Last week I flew up to New York to go to a Pearl Jam concert with a few of my friends. The show was at Continental in East Rutherford, New Jersey. I don’t really like Pearl Jam……I take that back. I loathe Pearl Jam.

Eddie Vedder is a complete fool and never stops talking. Now that I think about it, I actually like seeing Pearl Jam sometimes because it reminds me that no matter how big of an idiot I am, there is always a bigger one. I have to admit, there was one cool part about the show. Eddie covered Sleater Kinney’s “Modern Girl� which is from their album The Woods. That album is fucking awesome, probably the best album of all time. Everyone should own it because Sleater Kinney is hard and pretty and one of the girls sounds like Kathryn Hepburn on crack.

Here are some Sleater Kinney Songs….Right Click – Save As if you want to keep this garbage…I mean music….

Sleater-Kinney-“Modern Girl�
Sleater-Kinney-“Wilderness�
Sleater-Kinney-“Entertain�

How’s this for a fucking stretch…Pearl Jam has a song called daughter. Bryce Dallas Howard’s career is based on being Ron Howard’s Daugether….


Bonus Some Nude ScreenCaps of Her


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2006

05

Jun

I am – Lohan Stalker Post of the Day

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There’s something really funny about how a celebrity like Lohan lacks so much substance that her idol is Laggerfeld, the designer for Chanel, her favorite fashion house. I understand if a girl/gay guy who is a fashion designer/student respects Laggerfeld, but dudes still alive and shouldn’t be anyone’s idol. Especially some 19 year old dirtbag like Lohan who has a lot of money and has spent it on Chanel. Good for Karl, the more celebs rock his shit, love his shit, idolize him, the better for business.

Lohan’s got daddy issues look how she’s clinging on to him. I am willing to be her father figure, as long as she puts out, and by puts out I mean has unprotected sex with my face, often. On a side not, I got serious issues with Chanel, mainly because everytime I have a lap dance, the stripper whore’s got Chanel earrings on….those double C’s remind me of the day I got syphilis. Thanks Laggerfeld…you gay as shit lookin’ motherfucker. Point of this post is to stalk Lohan, so let’s get to it…..

Today I emailed Makenna Ruddy, some 14 year old slated to be in her movie. Whoever reads this message may call the cops which is kinda what we’re goin for…

Dear Makenna,

I am writing you this letter in hopes of you passing the message on to the love of my life, Lindsay Lohan. This is really a much more serious issue that you realize and I noticed that you are working together on an upcoming movie called Speechless and figured you would have a lot of downtime to talk to her about me.

We were seperated in a past life, and cursed by the kingdom’s wizard to never be in each other’s arms again. Life after life I have been looking for her, until the first day I saw Lohan on TV, I knew she was my lady, whom I have searched for…for so long. It is all in your hands to end this.

In all honesty, I fear that Lohan’s fame is going to keep us apart for yet another life. Her fame is all part of this curse that is keeping us apart.

I know you believe me and to further show my deep rooted love for Lohan, I wrote her a song that I hope you can pass on to her….

WIZARDS and Dragons, Magical Wars,
Won’t let us be together no more.
Cursed and forgotten but not for long,
I’ll keep up my search for while I sing this song…

Ok – so it’s a work in progress but you get the idea.

Makenna – I really appreciate you doing this for me. I will make sure you’re invited to our wedding, I mean technically you’ll be a hero for breaking this curse. I am so excited.

With love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com


Awkward…

Sexual Fantasy…

Bonus: Lohan Teaches her Sister Gang Signs



Previously on Stepfather:

Lohan Stalker Post 10

Lohan Stalker Post 9
Lohan Stalker Post 8
Lohan Stalker Post 7
Lohan Stalker Post 6
Lohan Stalker Post 5
Lohan Stalker Post 4
Lohan Stalker Post 3
Lohan Stalker Post 2
Lohan Stalker Post 1

Posted in:stepSTALKER|Unsorted

2006

05

Jun

I am – Elisha Cuthbert's Cigarette of the Day

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I thought cigarettes were supposed to repress your appetite. Bitch is too thick in the pants to be a real smoker, and if she is a real smoker – she may want to consider increasing the intake. I am sitting on a patio outside a Starbucks next to an American Apparel in Montreal, Elisha Cuthbert’s hometown. She aint got shit on the quality 16-22 year old pussy that is walking by me. It a good thing she’s in L.A. trying to launch a career and not here polluting my fucking view. The guys at the table next to me are talking about some dream girl that he refuses to fool around with and wants to date. I guess he deosn’t realize that he has acne and will probably never get laid by anything, let alone his dream girls. Some really weird – scarry looking motherfucker just sat next to me, he’s skinnier than HIV and he’s rolling his own cigarette. Can you get AIDs, but sitting next to a freakshow at a starbucks. Point of the story is that I would rather fuck him that Cuthbert in these pics….that’s the story I heard.

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

05

Jun

I am – Elisha Cuthbert’s Cigarette of the Day

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I thought cigarettes were supposed to repress your appetite. Bitch is too thick in the pants to be a real smoker, and if she is a real smoker – she may want to consider increasing the intake. I am sitting on a patio outside a Starbucks next to an American Apparel in Montreal, Elisha Cuthbert’s hometown. She aint got shit on the quality 16-22 year old pussy that is walking by me. It a good thing she’s in L.A. trying to launch a career and not here polluting my fucking view. The guys at the table next to me are talking about some dream girl that he refuses to fool around with and wants to date. I guess he deosn’t realize that he has acne and will probably never get laid by anything, let alone his dream girls. Some really weird – scarry looking motherfucker just sat next to me, he’s skinnier than HIV and he’s rolling his own cigarette. Can you get AIDs, but sitting next to a freakshow at a starbucks. Point of the story is that I would rather fuck him that Cuthbert in these pics….that’s the story I heard.

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted