DrunkenStepFather.com - I'll Make You Famous…

2007

07

Aug

I am – stepLINKS of the Day

I have to write a speech for my friend’s wedding on the weekend, and I am none too thrilled that he is getting married, not only because I dont like the chick and think shes a slag, but because all he does is complain he doesnt want to get married whenever it comes up. Usually when I really dont want to do shit, I just dont do it, but jackass doesnt seem to think like me for whatever reason. Regardless I have to write a speech about how happy I am about this Holy Union (did I mention I don’t believe in God?) and the glorys of it. I’m pretty much at the point where I’ve decided to probaly get drunk and just ruin the entire wedding on purpose.

Email me some ideas, how would YOU ruin you best friends wedding? stepdaughter[at]drunkenstepfather.com

Here’s the links.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

Happy Birthday Scientology
GO

Some idiot goes all out to change himself into Michael Jackson
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Blondes! Brunettes! Redheads! Oh My!!
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WTF is up with Lauryn Hill?
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Britney Spears is an excellent driver
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Nip twist open
GO

What happened to Doogie Howser?
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Got Milk?
GO

Autobot on rollerblades, cause things like that impress you
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Paris Channels her inn (and outer) WHORE
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Tastes like chicken (NSFW)
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Hill climb fuck up
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Henna Hilton in Penthouse
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Grand Theft Anal 10
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Sarah Hendy Tit Slip on TV
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Jessica Biel runs around in her socks and no pants
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Who’d you rather?
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Photo Bucket Thanks to Rogue Collector
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Gwyneth Paltrow looks like a dude
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Britney does more stuff, we talk about it
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You Mommas on crack!
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Lookin Good Sweetheart
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The Dixie Boys take fighting and ignorance to a new level
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David Spade goes on a blind date
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Redhead Laura
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Free Petey!
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MORE photobucket thanks to Rogue Collector
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Two awesomely bad rappers to debate their crappy albums
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Child Fergie sings Lionel Richie + Horrifying clown
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Rumer Willis’ new movie, with some chick that is hotter then her
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John Travolta’s umbrella holder guy
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J Lo is spiritual
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And MORE Photobucket from Rogue Collector
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Charlize Theron in a bikini
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Shark eating a seal, because I happen to like Sharks
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Tour of Lohans new rehab center
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Amy Winehouse actually made it to Lolapalooza?
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Amy Winehouse to also guest star on the Simpsons
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The Most revolting women of 2007
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Crazy cat lady
GO

Josie Maran lookin good
GO

Lookin Good Sweetheart
GO

Get laid, it pays
GO

Posted in:stepLINKS|Unsorted

2007

07

Aug

I am – My Own Shopping Mall of the Day

1 Comment »

I can’t stop laughing at this video, and the music choice just makes it even that much better. some things require few words to go along with them, and this is one of them

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

Posted in:stepTV|Unsorted

2007

07

Aug

I am – Vintage Naked Lisa Marie and Jeff Goldblum on the Beach of the Day

2 Comments »

I didn’t go out last night because i got bubonic plague early monday morning and missed work. Since I slept all day, I was up all night amusing myself. After the batteries died in my vibrator, I decided to try this fake-tan shit. Living in NYC has made me pale as an albino’s balls. Tanning salons are cancer boxes. I used to get brown from running, but I can’t run anymore since i fucked up my knees from giving too much head on hard surfaces as a hooker. And sunbathing is so fucking boring, unless you are at the beach. And I was too hungover to handle more than 20 minutes at the beach in San Diego.

So I stripped and slathered my body with this tanning cream. I made sure to properly smear it into each crevice, to really rub my ass, to massage the lotions deep into my tits. As I was standing in front of the mirror, nude, waiting for the magical golden change, it sounded like the water was running in my studio. Now my apartment is a converted storefront, with basically a garage door for one wall, the kind the shopkeeeper would open and BANG, his store was basically open to the street (luckily there is also a side door so I don’t have to do that). I check for the source of the trickling water, and its not from my shower, which is next to my toilet. It’s not from the toilet, which is next to my sink. And its not from my sink, which is across from my bed…

I notice a puddle of dark liquid leaking from under my garage door wall, exactly in the place where i need to replace the duct tape for when it rains. I smell pee, and I am PISSED. I fling open my side door and start screaming at this homeless junkie taking a leak on my sorta-wall. He stands there stunned. I realize I am still completely naked and lubed up, and we are both caught in this awkward moment. He runs, I go back inside to clean the urine off my floor. My studio still smells like pee and I am not a naked golden goddess… YET.

Here are some vintage pics of Lisa Marie naked with Jeff Goldblum on some beach from a few years ago (it maybe old, but it’s boobs and bush). She has the potential to be a golden goddess, she just needs to even out those white hooters and crotch. She is a patchwork goddess. As for Goldblum, I love him, but thank god for lots of sand. Lisa Marie is best remembered as the hot gum chewing ‘Martian Girl’ in “Mars Attacks!” and hasn’t worked since 2001. Have fun wacking off to Lisa’s still pretty good-look’n bod.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)
EMAIL ME HERE

2007

07

Aug

I am – Helen Hunt’s Ass Cheek in Hawaii of the Day

3 Comments »

When I lived Texas as a kid (post LA), we had some real colorful neighbors. But the cream of the crop, my favorite, was the neighbor we’ll call “Ned.” Every morning Ned would creep outside carrying two old coffee tins filled with some sorta liquid, then empty them into the storm drain. Ned only wore wifebeaters and old plaid swim trunks and spent each day mowing his lawn. One morning i was getting into the the car on my way to my douche-magnent high school, when Ned strolls up to me holding a nasty towel. “Good Morning Ned,” I say. “Morn’n Nelly,” he says. Ned leans against my car door, dangling the towel, his head so near I notice he needs a dentist, and fucking quick.

“You, know…” he says. “Umm.. what?” I respond, knowing that if he tries to kidnap me and I scream, it’s useless since my mom is knocked out with sleeping pills and my dad is face down on the back porch with a bottle of scotch. Fuck. “Nelly, you should always carry a towel with you, like i do, in case of emergencies.” Okaaayyy… “Why?” I ask as he grins and stares down at my crotch. “In case you get trapped in your car and have to go to the bathroom.”

“Thanks,” I said, slamming the car door, knocking him back, and speeding off like I was on the honor roll and late for prize day. That’s when I began to wonder if the nice Turkish man that “joked” about being a pimp at that seedy bar (fake IDs baby) may have more to offer me than the world I was raised in.

Here is Helen Hunt raising her daughter in a beautiful world filled with Hawaiin beaches, and towels not soiled with Ned’s feces. What’s not so beautiful is her right ass cheek hanging out of her bathing suit. She’s got that wise look like, I may be old and have thighs like clotted cream but fuck you, I am rich, have an oscar and love my life. And for that I both respect and hate this bitch. I don’t know if you can spank it to her aging ass, but knowing you’re a virgin, it’s a go.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)
EMAIL ME HERE

Posted in:Ass|Beach|Bikini|Unsorted

2007

07

Aug

I am – Helen Hunt's Ass Cheek in Hawaii of the Day

3 Comments »

When I lived Texas as a kid (post LA), we had some real colorful neighbors. But the cream of the crop, my favorite, was the neighbor we’ll call “Ned.” Every morning Ned would creep outside carrying two old coffee tins filled with some sorta liquid, then empty them into the storm drain. Ned only wore wifebeaters and old plaid swim trunks and spent each day mowing his lawn. One morning i was getting into the the car on my way to my douche-magnent high school, when Ned strolls up to me holding a nasty towel. “Good Morning Ned,” I say. “Morn’n Nelly,” he says. Ned leans against my car door, dangling the towel, his head so near I notice he needs a dentist, and fucking quick.

“You, know…” he says. “Umm.. what?” I respond, knowing that if he tries to kidnap me and I scream, it’s useless since my mom is knocked out with sleeping pills and my dad is face down on the back porch with a bottle of scotch. Fuck. “Nelly, you should always carry a towel with you, like i do, in case of emergencies.” Okaaayyy… “Why?” I ask as he grins and stares down at my crotch. “In case you get trapped in your car and have to go to the bathroom.”

“Thanks,” I said, slamming the car door, knocking him back, and speeding off like I was on the honor roll and late for prize day. That’s when I began to wonder if the nice Turkish man that “joked” about being a pimp at that seedy bar (fake IDs baby) may have more to offer me than the world I was raised in.

Here is Helen Hunt raising her daughter in a beautiful world filled with Hawaiin beaches, and towels not soiled with Ned’s feces. What’s not so beautiful is her right ass cheek hanging out of her bathing suit. She’s got that wise look like, I may be old and have thighs like clotted cream but fuck you, I am rich, have an oscar and love my life. And for that I both respect and hate this bitch. I don’t know if you can spank it to her aging ass, but knowing you’re a virgin, it’s a go.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)
EMAIL ME HERE

Posted in:Ass|Beach|Bikini|Unsorted

2007

07

Aug

I am – Mischa Barton Space Dress of the Day

2 Comments »

I’m pretty exhausted and don’t feel like writing today to be honest. There’s not many bikini Pics floating around today, and it’s hard to be inspired by pictures of washed up actresses from the OC.

I’ve never been to California, but one of my rich friends parents are going in a few weeks and offered to take me along. I finally got my passport , in the hopes that I would meet a rich, rich man who take me away from my bullshit life, but it looks like I get to go with some other kids mom, dad and their family. Not quite what I had in mind, but you’re fucking poor and never et to go anywhere or see anything you will pretty much take a trip where you can get it.

Also, my hope of meeting a rich man will probably quadruple my chances, since more of the older men in Montreal are fat, ugly and on unemployment.

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Posted in:Mischa Barton|Unsorted

2007

06

Aug

I am – stepLINKS of the Day

6 Comments »

I have this friend who has no moral boundries when it comes to speaking with other people. It doesn’t matter who we are with or where we are. It’s not that hes trying to piss people off, he just honestly doesn’t fucking know any better. We were sitting around my friends house on the weekend, and he was all fucked up on E and felt like sharing, cause all the idiots who do that drug use it as an excuse to tell you and me shit we really don’t care about or want to hear, or to tell you they love you. Fags.

Anyways, somehow or another gets talking about his ex-girlfriend (in front of his new one, no less) and the time that he was fast asleep and was woken up by her viciously pounding her finger into his ass, and having this weird look of anger/satisfaction on her face. He kept noting the point that she looked angry and happy all at the same time, and when he brought it up to her after, said she got the same look on her face. I thought about it after, and concluded to myself it was some type of domination thing, kind like when a guy rapes another guy in jail.

Or she just likes ramming her fingers up guys asses.

*shrugs*

Here’s the links.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

How to get into a Celebrity Nightclub
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Some guy gets his back broken
GO

Did Mommy take away your dirty magazines again??
GO

Tyra Banks is hot when she keeps her mouth shut
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Brett Ratner does Gay things; Probably Gay
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Kevin Smith vs Fan
GO

Ferret Discovers Jalapenos
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TEXT HERE
GO

Nina Moric bikini shoot, in some language which I’m guessing is spanish
GO

Lohan enters rehab for the third time. I am shocked. SHOCKED!
GO

Heidi Klum and her thong
GO

Paris and Nicole go to jail – The Porno
GO

Garden Hose masterbation. It says this is dangerous and they are probably right
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Lohan being dropped by record label and film bosses?
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Ashley Tisdale looking like a 12 year old, but you are probably into that
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Pam Anderson is dating that ugly magician
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From Italy, with love
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Sex Scene or Murder Scene?
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Joanna Krupa like whoa
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Backyard girlfight gets bloody
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Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards get ready to battle it out
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Guy shoots himself with shotgun
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There’s something about Suri
GO

Silver cash bikini contest
GO

Ana Beatriz Barros like whoa!
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Angelina topless in Bewoulf
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Rose McGowen looking okay I guess
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Anna Faris in a pink top
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Amy Reid like whoa!
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Dead ringer
GO

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are gettin naked
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Lindsay HoHand – The Movie
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Brad and Angie are gonna be on a stamp or some shit
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Sinkhole swallows houses
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Madonna is prolly gonna have her AIDS baby taken away
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Irish keg stand
GO

Stacy Keibler leather bikini
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Ginger Spice in a bikini
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Rob Zombie’s Halloween
GO

Navy spots aliens floating through water
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Britney hires Kelly Clarkson’s fired manager
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Danielle Lloyd in a bathing suit…again….yawn
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Posted in:stepLINKS|Unsorted

2007

06

Aug

I am – Opera Gladiator with Terrets of the Day

6 Comments »

You guys are getting a good dose of stepTV today, mostly because I’m feeling lazy as shit today and don’t feel like writing. I don’t think most of you can read so well anyways, and this way you can just look at moving pictures set to music for your amusement.

As I’ve already said while posting, I will never stop laughing at people who do shit on the street for money, because I find people who are desperate really fucking hilarious. What makes it even better is when their so called “skill” is some bullshit that is too stupid for words, and the seriousness with which they take themselves.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

Posted in:stepTV|Unsorted

2007

06

Aug

I am – Eva Herzigova Upskirt of the Day

2 Comments »

Eva Herzigova

I have this sorta-friend I met while drunk at a bar, who’s also a party-slut. I texted her to see if she wanted to get drunk and felt up. She said yes. I call her SallyYuki because she is Japanese and I can barely understand what she says, and she doesn’t mind that i can’t pronounce whatever her name is. We get picked up by three Romanians who are fairly hot and most importantly, ready and willing to shower us with top-shelf liquor.

We tell them we want to move to a club (aka grind and make-out), so we all hop into their beamer and head to some place I can’t fucking remember, but it cost $20 to get in, and they paid. While SallyYuki was occupied with Romanian #1, I was busy sandwiching with Romanians #2 and #3. At one point #2 and #3 hoisted me up onto the DJ’s stage, where I shook it and whipped off my shirt until security escorted me down. Later, while #2 was getting more drinks, I let #3 slither his fingers down my pants and into my soft slit. The next thing I know, SallyYuki taps me on my shoulder and is waving her arms in the air, screaming in Japanese, then storms off in some bizarre spaztic fit of rage. Whatever.

We dance and I divide my time between #2 and #3 till closing. I ask if they can give me a ride home. They oblige. As we’re waiting for the car, the 3 Romanians make a proposition: a foursome. Now I wouldn’t do that shit as a hooker, and I am not about to break my old hooker standards. I did a three-some once (two guys and me) under pressure from my pimp, and I didn’t like it: too much of a balancing act and the guys didn’t realize how homo-erotic it was for them, which is pretty fucking funny. I said no thanks on the foursome, but I WILL blow them all in the beamer on my way home. They were like kids on Christmas day. So about every other block, they stop the car and play musical chairs, only there are no chairs, just me deep-throating various Romanian cocks. In the end, they got a free ride, and so did I. Hurray.

Here is Eva Herzigova at the opening of Chopard’s store (yeah who the fuck knows, sounds expensive). She is Czech, which is pretty close to Romania in my geographically challenged mind. Eva is giving you a free peak up her dress and plenty of cleavage. I wonder if she had to sucks any cocks to get where she is today? I feel like it’s a right of passage in the modeling, acting, and general slut industry. Now go let on fly and pretend it’s shooting up her cooch.Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE

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Posted in:cleavage|Eva Herzigova|Model|Unsorted|Upskirt

2007

06

Aug

I am – Paris Hilton Making Good on Her Word of the Day

1 Comment »

Paris Hilton

I was walking home at around 8am from the Coke party on Friday night and I stopped in at the grocery store to grab some juice or something, but ended up being way too high to even remember what I went in there for and just walked up and down the aisles hoping I would remember. That happens to me alot. I heard a bit of a commotion at the front of the store, so went up to check things out, cause I’m nosey like that. There was some old bum freaking out about one thing or another, and had the attention of the managers and the clerks, while his buddy was behind them filling his coat with whatever he could get his hands on. Brilliant.

This was going on for awhile, until finally the Manager noticed me just standing there staring at them all, and I snapped out of it, not sure how long I had even been there. I couldn’t remember why I went in there in the first place and it got really awkward really fast, so just decided to leave before they caught on to the scam. I don’t really steal, but I’m not about to knock anyone’s hustle either, and I thought it was pretty clever, so I didn’t want to blow their cover.

Here’s Paris, fresh from a hard days work at her local soup kitchen. I’m really glad she is making good on her promises to do make more of herself and life in general. Doing all that charity work at LA nightclubs and the beach must be pretty tiring. She should really take a vacation or something.

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Posted in:Bikini|Liars|Paris Hilton|Sluts|Unsorted