I used to be jealous of dogs because they got to sleep all day, people take care of them and are too stupid to hate life. The more exciting part about being a dog is that they get to watch their masters change, have sex, shower, take a shit, masturbate and do all the embarassing thing people do. They also get away with sniffing random pussy when out in public, and I am not talking about dog pussy, I am talking about women on the rag pussy. Either way, I know I have written posts on this many times before and I am only writing about it again because it is really one of the constant dreams I have and has been going on for as long as I can remember. That said, I would hate to be Hilary Duff’s dog for all the above mentioned reasons. I have no interest in knowing whether her dick was the reason Lance Bass is a faggot today. That’s the end of this post. Thank god.

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I used to be jealous of dogs because they got to sleep all day, people take care of them and are too stupid to hate life. The more exciting part about being a dog is that they get to watch their masters change, have sex, shower, take a shit, masturbate and do all the embarassing thing people do. They also get away with sniffing random pussy when out in public, and I am not talking about dog pussy, I am talking about women on the rag pussy. Either way, I know I have written posts on this many times before and I am only writing about it again because it is really one of the constant dreams I have and has been going on for as long as I can remember. That said, I would hate to be Hilary Duff’s dog for all the above mentioned reasons. I have no interest in knowing whether her dick was the reason Lance Bass is a faggot today. That’s the end of this post. Thank god.

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If Lohan was a hooker, you know she would be the kind that you find in the back alley drinking out of a muddy puddle. She would smell like a rotting corpse and her teeth would be falling out. The fact that this bitch has money to take care of herself makes all the difference, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s on some kind of self-destructive mission. If Lohan was a whore, this is how I would suggest you get free sex from her:

Get her to a safe haven, either a hotel room, if you can afford one (rich kid) or a quiet alley, tell her straight up that you are going to hook her up with some rock. She will go for it and give’r, however I like to take this shit to the next level and by next level I don’t mean condomless, I was never into risk, I mean get her a little more than high, session that bitch until she overdoses, then fuck her before she starts to lose consciousness, or while she’s convulsing. Just pretend she’s dancing. Not getting paid by you will be the least of her worries if she lives. Get up, walk away, and you my friend just had sex with a hooker without paying. I am not sure if that made sense, I kinda ripped it off an article I wrote that never got published.

Bonus: Lohan in Red

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I have no issues with Pam Anderson. I used to find her hot 10 years ago, when she was still on Baywatch. That was back when crazy implants were all the fucking rage. Every bitch in town was bleaching her hair and saving up her tip money from her waitressing job at the local diner for a set of tits. It was as trendy as cocaine and looking homeless is today. Pam Anderson was probably the smartest stripper lookin’ bitch around, because she pretty much made it. Think of all the tens of thousands of look-a-likes who are crowding up your local “POOR” neighborhood. Her influence may not have been a good one, but she changed the face of sexy in the 90s and that’s a lot more than I have ever accomplished. Here she is launching a PamelaPoker.com with some old dude. That’s the end of this….

Bonus Pictures:

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I was in the drugstore picking up some sleeping pills because my furnace of a wife has sleep apnea and I feel guilty when I hear her choking on her own tonsils and don’t do anything about it because part of me likes to think that will be the answer to all my problems. I figure if I am knocked out with meds, I won’t spend my life hating myself and blaming myself for something a couple too many oreos did. I firmly believe that we have to let nature take its course and why should I intervene with a call to 911. I am just kidding people, my wife is my soulmate, and that’s why I married her. It had nothing to do with a Passport. Now…what are these vaginal products all about…..and where can I get some for my fleshlight?

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Everything with a Uterus, no matter how rotted out it is, has a hormonal inclination to make and raise babies. All the drugs in the back alley can’t take away this physiological predisposition a woman has, even if bitch is fucking crazed from syphilis and too cracked out to formulate a comprehensible sentence, she will always be ready to breast feed and nurture anything, nothing can stop that. I am not suggesting that Naomi Watts is a streetwhore, but if she was, and you were trying to land a free blowjob, you would have to tap into her motherly instinct and it isn’t easy, because although your penis is 3 inches, she will not buy that you are a needy child, no matter how hard you suck her titty.

You have to find common ground, make her feel for you, make her believe you have only stooped this low because your mom was never part of your life, the more you convince, the more likely she will start lactating and from my experience a mother rarely charges her kids for the hottest blowjob of their life. If you do a good job with the sad story and she’s convinced this blowjob is the one thing you need to go on living, the maternal insticnts that everything with a vagina has, will make her feel like she’s doing the right thing. It’s not easy to get a money hungry addict to oversee a fix, but it can be done, and it will be, just plan your story in advance and try not to laugh when she falls for it, which you won’t because deep down, I know you’re really sad.

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I have spent many nights with street whores, or what I like to call the “REAL DEALâ€?. Some of the more intense relationships in my life have been with prostitutes and that is not because I fear commitment or because I find STDs exciting, but because I like victims of society, it reminds me of how fucked up the world is, but more importantly of my life on the streets, feeding my dog banana peels and spending days jacked on crystal banging the useless filth most people are scared of. In my time, I have both learned a few tricks and met a few tricks, Elisha Cuthbert wasn’t one of them….

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Not all hookers are crack addicted victims of molestation. They aren’t all girls who work the street, willing to suck any stranger off for $20. Those are just the kind I like, but that is because the suffering in their eyes and the uncontrolable twitching gets me off. I hate wallet-fucking bitches, who don’t realize that they are whores, because they hold down good jobs, but only sleep with rich dudes, I hate high-class escorts who overcharge and think they are the prettiest thing to hit your bedsheets, but since you probably don’t own bed sheets, I can get back to the point of all this, which is that Carmen Electra, although a cocktease, is looking pretty fucking hot in these pictures.

Bonus Pics….

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Not all hookers are crack addicted victims of molestation. They aren’t all girls who work the street, willing to suck any stranger off for $20. Those are just the kind I like, but that is because the suffering in their eyes and the uncontrolable twitching gets me off. I hate wallet-fucking bitches, who don’t realize that they are whores, because they hold down good jobs, but only sleep with rich dudes, I hate high-class escorts who overcharge and think they are the prettiest thing to hit your bedsheets, but since you probably don’t own bed sheets, I can get back to the point of all this, which is that Carmen Electra, although a cocktease, is looking pretty fucking hot in these pictures.

Bonus Pics….

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All girls are hookers. Not because they reek of syphilis, or because they are sprawled out on the street corner looking for a piece of crack that may have fallen from their once tight fitting clothes. Addiction’s a bitch, but it is a great way to suppress the memories of being molested by that male figure in your life. You know, your teacher, uncle or if you’re lucky your father. Girls all love money. I never see a rich ugly guy with a fat bitch on his arm. The fat bitches that no one want are left for people like me, factory workers by day and internet celebrities at night. But I am not even a factory worker anymore, I just live off the slut’s disability checks. It’s some kind of survival of the fittest type shit. Speaking of survival, Sheryl Crow dated a gay man with one testicle. That’s the story I heard.

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