Comedian/actress/singer/political activist Sandra Bernhard was born on June 6th, 1955 in Flint Michigan. Her family contained three older brothers, an abstract artist mother, and a proctologist father. In 1965, they moved to Scottsdale, Arizona. There, she graduated from Saguaro High School in 1973.
Four years later, she broke into television with “The Richard Pryor Show�. In addition to its host, the show featured several future stars, including Bernhard, Robin Williams, Tim Reid (Venus Flytrap on “WKRP�), and Marsha Warfield (Roz Russell on “Night Court�). Due to several disputes between Pryor and network executives, only four episodes were made.
After doing a dubbed voice for Shogun Assassin (1980) and playing a nut in Cheech & Chong’s Nice Dreams (1981), Bernhard had her first major role in a major movie in 1983. The King of Comedy was a dramatic comedy directed by Martin Scorsese. Robert De Niro starred as Rupert Pupkin. Pupkin was a stand-up comedian obsessed with becoming a major star. Rather than pay his dues the old fashioned way, he does everything he can to get onto the talk show of Jerry Langford (Jerry Lewis). Helping him is Marsha (Bernhard), who is obsessed with Langford. To meet their goals, they kidnap Langford. Unfortunately, this excellent movie only made $2.5 million, far less than its $20 million budget.
This commercial setback relegated Bernhard to smaller roles in The Muppets Take Manhattan (1984), Sesame Street Presents Follow That Bird (1985), and The Whoopee Boys (1986, considered to be the Dumb & Dumber of its day). In 1984, she also appeared in The House of God, a comedy about a group of interns at a hospital. During this time, she released I’m Your Women, her first album. This was an entirely musical album.
Bernhard returned to larger movie roles in 1988 with the black comedy Track 29. Christopher Lloyd played a doctor who has become obsessed with his train set. Meanwhile, his wife (Theresa Russell) is constantly thinking about the child she had given up for adoption after she had been raped. She soon meets the son, played by Gary Oldman, but it is revealed that he is just a figment of her imagination. Bernhard played the doctor’s very helpful nurse. The movie was directed by Nicholas Roeg and written by Dennis Potter (Pennies From Heaven, The Singing Detective). Despite cautiously good reviews by the critics, this movie went over the heads of mainstream audiences. It grossed less than one-tenth of its $5 million budget.
That same year, Bernhard contributed to Heavy Petting. This documentary about sexual relationships in the 1950’s combined clips from the era with celebrity interviews. Among the people interviewed were Bernhard, David Byrne (singer from The Talking Heads), Allen Ginsburg, Laurie Anderson, Abbie Hoffman, and William S. Burroughs. That year also brought the critically acclaimed book Confessions of a Pretty Lady.
In 1990, Bernhard brought her one-woman off-Broadway play Without You I’m Nothing to the big-screen. Described as ‘a lounge act in hell’, the show featured Bernhard doing imitations of Diana Ross, Andy Warhol, Barbra Streisand, Prince, and many others. The audience in the show was unenthusiastic and often squeamish, but this was probably intentional. These parodies of popular stars served as a critique of American pop culture and modern society in general. The soundtrack album was nominated for the Best Comedy Album Grammy in 1991.
Later in 1991, joined the cast of the hit family sitcom “Roseanne�. When the show had debuted in 1988, it had provided a much-needed antidote to the squeaky-clean family sitcoms like “The Cosby Show� and “Growing Pains� that dominated the 1980’s. Instead of the thin and beautiful parents, there was Roseanne Barr and John Goodman. Instead of the happy, loving family, there was the Conners. Bernhard joined the show as Nancy. Her character was at first married to Arnie Thomas (Tom Arnold), but then aliens kidnapped him. After that, she came out of the closet as a lesbian, reflecting Bernhard’s own bisexuality. The show was hugely successful for its first several seasons, but eventually ran out of steam. The show finally ended in 1997, two or three seasons too late.
The same year that she joined “Roseanne�, Bernhard acted in Hudson Hawk. Bruce Willis wrote and starred in this action/comedy. He played Hudson Hawk, who had just been released from jail and intends to spend the rest of his life on the up and up. Unfortunately, Darwin and Minerva Mayflower (Richard E. Grant and Bernhard) blackmail him into stealing several works by Leonardo Da Vinci. The critics massacred the movie. At the Razzies, it ‘won’ for Worst Director (Joel Silver), Worst Picture, and Worst Screenplay. It was also nominated for Worst Actor (Willis), Worst Supporting Actor (Grant), and Worst Supporting Actress (Bernhard). Some critics disagreed with the last nomination, though, considering Bernhard the sole bright spot in an otherwise bad movie. Financially, the movie was a disaster, losing nearly $50 million.
That same year, she made an appearance in Madonna: Truth or Dare. This was a documentary about Madonna’s 1990 Blonde Ambition tour. At the time, Madonna and Bernhard were friends, although they would later have a falling out.
1993 brought Inside Monkey Zetterland. Steve Antin wrote, co-produced, and starred as the title character. He was a bad writer writing a script about the demise of public transportation in Los Angeles. The movie featured a star-studded cast of Patricia Arquette, Sofia Coppola, Ricki Lake, and Rupert Everett. The movie featured several gay and lesbian characters. The critics hated the movie. The only person to emerge unscathed was Bernhard, who played the neighbour. The movie bombed. That year, she also released the book Love, Love, Love. This was a collection of stories that have been described as what it would be like to hang out with Bernhard when she is depressed.
The next year brought the Australian movie Dallas Doll. Bernhard played a brash American independent golfer/self help expert. She moves in with an upper-middle class Australian family and then attempts to seduce every member. For the most part, she succeeds. The film was panned by most of the critics.
Also that year, Bernhard showcased more of her stand-up comedy in Sandra Bernhard: Confessions of a Pretty Lady. Although it was not as successful as Without You I’m Nothing, it did feature Bernhard’s memorable version of Aerosmith’s “Dude Looks Like a Lady�. She also appeared in the made-for-TV remake of Disney’s Freaky Friday. This version also starred Shelley Long and Drew Carey, but was not as successful as the original.
That same year, Bernhard appeared in two documentaries on the fashion world. Unzipped was focussed on designer Isaac Mizrahi as he prepared his 1994 fall line. As well as Bernhard, the documentary featured several prominent supermodels, including Christy Turlington, Naomi Campbell, Cindy Crawford, Linda Evangelista, Eartha Kitt, and Kate Moss. The documentary was quite funny and was loved by the critics. Less successful was Catwalk, which focused on Christy Turlington. It featured most of the same people as Unzipped, but the humour was replaced by superficiality.
Bernhard gained notoriety in 1996 for her ad for the PETA. The ad protested of the use of urine from pregnant horses in estrogen replacement drugs. In parody of popular milk ads, she appeared with a yellow moustache.
Bernhard’s movie career took another blow with Plump Fiction (1996). This was an inept parody of Pulp Fiction, Natural Born Killers, and Reservoir Dogs. Tommy Davidson parodied Samuel Jackson’s character in Pulp Fiction, but as an exterminator. The title came from Julie Brown’s weighty version of Uma Thurman’s character. The movie bombed with the critics and the audiences.
Somewhat more successful was The Late Shift. It was based on Bill Carter’s book on the replacement of Johnny Carson. The movie portrayed all of the backroom manoeuvring that went on in the decision to replace Carson with Jay Leno instead of David Letterman, and Letterman’s subsequent move to CBS. Bernhard played herself, having already made several appearances on Letterman’s show. People who hadn’t read the book enjoyed the movie but those who had were disappointed.
Bernhard finished up her year by hosting The A-List: Volume 1. This featured two episodes of stand-up comedy. The featured stars were Brett Butler, Barry Sobel, Cathy Ladman, and Nick DiPaola.
With the end of “Roseanne�, Bernhard had time to appear in several movies in 1997. Unfortunately, none of them had any degree of success. The most critically successful of these films was Lover Girl. Tara Subkoff starred as Jake, a 16-year-old girl who was abandoned by her mother. She finds her older sister Darlene (Kristy Swanson), but is turned away by her as well. Darlene’s neighbour is Marci (Bernhard), who takes pity on Jake. Jake then goes to work illegally at the “massage parlour� that Marci manages. The movie was screened at the 1997 Toronto Film Festival and the 1998 Peachtree International Film Festival. However, the idea of a movie in which a minor works at a “massage parlour� scared off movie distributors and it was never given a widespread release.
Somewhere in the City was even less successful. The movie portrayed the residents of a building in New York’s Lower East Side. Bernhard played a neurotic food therapist. There was also the Chinese immigrant trying to get married so that she could stay in the country, the leftist radical, the small-time con man, the racist, etc. The critics derided the movie, claiming that it used stereotypes rather than real characters. It was only given one screening, one year after it was made.
Fairing no better was The Apocalypse. Bernhard and Cameron Dye played space salvagers who battle with a gang of criminals and a crazed computer programmer who intend to crash a spaceship full of nuclear weapons into the Earth. It went straight to video and was promptly ignored.
The biggest movie, and the worst, of the year for Bernhard was An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn. The movie played on a common practice in Hollywood. If a director feels that the producers and studio executives have taken over the film and no longer wants to be associated with it, he can disown it. The Director’s Guild allows him or her to do this by using the name Alan Smithee. In the movie, Eric Idle (“Monty Python’s Flying Circus�) plays a director who does not have this option because his name actually is Alan Smithee. He is therefore stuck with a multi-million dollar action flop starring Whoopi Goldberg, Sylvester Stallone, and Jackie Chan, who all make cameos in AASF:BHB. Faced with no other alternative, Smithee enlists the aid of the Brother Brothers (Chuck D of Public Enemy and Coolio) and steals the master tapes. He threatens to burn the tapes if he is not allowed a re-edit. Bernhard played the wife of the studio head. There are many inside jokes in this movie. At one point, someone comments that Trio, the movie within the movie, is even worse than Showgirls. Both Showgirls and AASF:BHB were written by Joe Eszterhas. Ironically, director Arthur Hiller disowned AASF:BHB, so its director is listed as Alan Smithee.
This was a good idea. The movie was made in a ‘mockumentary’ style. Instead of things actually happening on-screen, we get to hear people talk about what happens. At the 1999 Razzie Awards, the movie ‘won’ for Worst New Star (Joe Eszterhas, tied with Jerry Springer), Worst Original Song (Joe Eszterhas and Gary G-Wiz for the “I Wanna Be Mike Ovitz!”), Worst Picture, Worst Screenplay (Joe Eszterhas), and Worst Supporting Actor (Joe Eszterhas as himself). Joe Esztherhas’s four Razzies in one year broke the previous record of three, held by both Sylvester Stallone and Kevin Costner. The movie was also nominated for Worst Actor (Ryan O’Neal), Worst Director (Alan Smithee, really Arthur Hiller), Worst Screen Couple (for any combination of two people playing themselves), and Worst Supporting Actor (Sylvester Stallone as himself). The movie cost $10 million to make and promote. It grossed $15,000.
1998 was a much better year artistically. Someone had found Ed Wood’s legendary last script. Ed Wood was famous for writing and directing movies such as Plan 9 From Outer Space. These movies were so bad that they became classics. I Woke Up Early the Day I Died starred Billy Zane as a man trying to survive after escaping from a mental institution. Also featured in the movie were John Ritter, Eartha Kitt, Rain Phoenix, Summer Phoenix, and Christina Ricci. The movie had no dialogue. It was made in the classic Ed Wood style, with loads of continuity problems (day switching to night and back mid-scene, among others) and plenty of stock footage. The movie debuted at the 1998 Toronto Film Festival, where it was enjoyed by most of the people who saw it. Unfortunately, it was not picked up for general release.
Bernhard also appeared in Wrongfully Accused. Leslie Nielsen starred in this parody of The Fugitive. The slapstick style of this movie was similar to many of Nielsen’s movies i.e. The Naked Gun series, Spy Hard. He played Ryan Harrison, who had been wrongfully convicted of murder. After he escaped, he had to find the one-armed, one-legged, one-eyed man to clear his name. His search led him through a series of misadventures, giving the moviemaker opportunities to parody Casablanca, “Baywatch�, Titanic, and many others. Bernhard played Dr. Fridley, who did the prosthetic limbs for the one-armed, one-legged, one-eyed man. The movie received mixed reviews, but more bad than good. Most agreed that the movie was better than Nielsen’s recent flops Mr. Magoo and Spy Hard, but not as good the classic Naked Gun movies.
That year, Bernhard entered into the world of children. She did this in more ways than just playing the voice of Cassandra on the “Hercules� TV-series. On Saturday, July 4th, she gave birth to her first child, Cicely Yasim. The father of the daughter has not been named.
Bernhard had two other major events that year. One was her Broadway debut, “I’m Still Here … Damn It!�, in which she performed her stand-up comedy routine while dressed in see-through clothing. It has also been released on CD. The other was the release of her book May I Kiss You on the Lips, Miss Sandra? Her mix of comedy, philosophy, and semi-autobiography earned rave reviews.
Bernhard, who now lives in Los Angeles, is one of the most outspoken stand-up comedians alive. Her musical skills and her penchant for satire help her skewer overblown celebrities while avoiding self-parody. Unfortunately, her talent has rarely translated into success on the big screen. She was excellent in her first major movie, The King of Comedy. However, the lack of financial success for that movie must have scared off the more conservative studio executives. Since then, the major movies that she has appeared in have been sub-par. Apart from her CD’s and her stand-up, the only good outlet she has found was “Roseanne�. Maybe a movie-maker will soon take the risk of casting her in a major movie that requires more than an IQ of 50 to understand.
Everyone is allowed to get confused every once in a while. I can’t blame someone for not realizing that my myspace profile picture is of Paris Hilton, but seriously dude, it’s fucking Paris Hilton. I know she may not be the most recognizable person to the average idiot, but the way I see it is that I have seen her fuck, and I never forget a fuck. Here is the Myspace message of the day…
After walking back from yoga last night, I realized that everyone needs a second chance. And for you that have been following, I don’t mean my ex. I mean, when life totally falls apart, you come to this crossroad where you either have to forgive yourself and grow a new layer of elephant skin, or you head towards a world void of love, laughter and good sex. Because when it comes down to it, everyone wants the same thing, really : happiness, a good job, vacations, and some extra cash for shoes.