Here’s some shit going on around the internet on the few sites I visit cuz I hate the internet – it’s done nothing good for me, sure it has got me laid a few times, and yeah it got me in Maxim magazine 4 years ago, where I played shit wrong cuz my wife was opporessive, but it aint doing shit for me now…..the good news is that at least I have real life….sure it’s equaly depressing, unsatisfying, disappointing, pathetic, but at least I can distract myself through drink…..

On a sidenote, I was at a friend’s house last nice, I do have a few of those, and the dude’s wife made us watch every typical sitcom and reality show people watch on Monday nights. It was the biggest display of shit I’ve seen since my dog got into the garbage and shit all over the house, even bigger than the shit show my wife put on the day she shit so much it overflowed the toilet bowl. I could not and still cannot believe that shit is on TV but more importantly that people watch it. Hollywood needs to be saved….I’m not one to do it…but someone fucking should.

Here’s the dump.

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It is Canadian Thanksgiving, so I fucked some Turkey carcass with my mouth until I passed out in a drunk, woke up shit covered on my friend’s kitchen. No idea what happened, but I was full and there was a smile on my face…here are the stepLINKS the morning edition.

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What the fuck. It’s afternoon now. Shit. That makes this post a fucking lie…cuz I call it the morning dump…but when I woke up, saw I’m equally irrelevant as I was yeserday, remembered I hate celeb gossip and celebs in general, I decided to go back to sleep, but here I am..unable to quit this cancer.

The top pic is from a reader of his wife making waffles…amazing. Send in pics of your wife or pretty much any chick if you have em.

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Steve Jobs is dead because he was busy inventing iphones instead of iclones who he could get spare parts, like pancreases from. So I decided to go out drinking til 5 am, where I met my future wife puke covered and getting fingered by some black guy. Lasting relationships start at 3 am pizza places….and ending with me throwing my iphone in a river scareming “Why God Why” to prove how invincible the quality of his made in china vision is….now I’m jobless and phoneless and thanks to my wife’s anger since it was her phone that I filled with pictures of naked chicks….soon to be homeless….

No one respects my dreams of being a funeral comedian. Everytime someone dies, I make jokes, lose followers on TWITTER and sure my awkard Steve Jobs / Pancreatic Cancer / Death / Apple a day doesn’t keep death away jokes just aren’t funny, but it’d be nice if the world humored me a little like I was one of those porn chicks…..

Truth is I never used a PC, I learned computers before PC existed, and re-learned them on an old Mac, so without Jobs, the world woldn’t be the same, because DrunkenStepfather wouldn’t exit. Jobs has held my hand indirectly while I jerk off, making me and him, pretty tight….sure everyone’s shitty

I’m sure he probably coulda done a lot more had he invented the iPancreas…but he didn’t…so RIP Motherfucker…and I’ll just scream “Why God Why” into my broken phone and broken keyboard.

Now FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER as I try to get over this unimaginable loss that CNN has been planning on publishing the dedicated section on for the last 2 years cuz they are classy like that….

Now everyone Rip your “T” of your computer for Tragedy. Let’s start a movement…a really really dumb movement…

HEre are some links…

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I find it amazing how exciting a simple walk through the park can be….I’m not a fucking hippie, there’s just so many leggings riding up random girl ass….that it makes me wonder why I lock myself in the house with the wife and her oversized clit, that looks proportionate to her fat everything else….more importantly it makes me wonder why I’m not in jail cuz for the most part, I’ve always been bad at looking and not touching….

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Here’s the morning hangover dump even though I’m constipated….I’m starting late today because I was sexually assaulted by a woman and it only ended at 7 am, where i was forced to take a shower, hugging my knees and crying “why me”….in otherwords…it was fucking legendary and I wish I had it on video to remember that good things do happen to bad people sometimes…

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Here is the morning hangover dump….even though it isn’t morning in half of the world….

This weekend’s life lesson was that if you drink heavy cuz you’re convinced alcohol makes hand sanitizer, so it only makes sense it will rape the disease out of you, even if the disease inside you was from getting raped. HIV.

But turns out when you have a cold, that cold will turn around and turn into pneumonia or something equally near death…which is what I’m dealing with…

Speaking of death, I saw 50/50, that Seth Rogan movie where the guy doesn’t die at the end, obviously, and I figure this year’s latest trend is going to be friending people with cancer, or more important catching cancer of your own…It’s the new UGGS.

Here’s the dump, even if I’m constipated.

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I just woke up…

Well actually I woke up earlier by a lovely bout of diarrhea which felt amazing on my hemorrhoids, in a “Hey, how you doing, thanks from eating hot sauce and drinking all that beer you gluten allergic slob”….so went back to be to wallow in my misery…

Here’s some shit going on around the internet.

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So I lost a reader, likely my only reader because I made too many rape jokes and her best friend just got raped…..I guess you can’t please everyone…and I think you gotta be careful who you ask to live out rape fantasies with, cuz you never know whether a bitch is gonna take it personal or not….

Here’s the morning links…in the afternoon cuz I’m a hungover loser…

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I have nothing to say …. other than fuck you internet for giving me herpes and fuck you herpes for being on my penis head so that everytime I pee it’s like satan is taking a bite out of crime like he was McRuff..I mean that’s what I’d say if I had herpes on my dick prohibiting a lovely pee…hey ladies…what you doing tonights?

I don’t know what I am saying, but I bourbon makes me shit blood.

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