I have been getting dissed by other bloggers for posting “OLD” pictures of Fergie working out and that Lohan coinslot video from 2 years ago. I wish I could say it’s cuz I have a life, but I really don’t. I jut trouble remembering what happened yesterday to that makes me incompetent in bringing you the freshest shit, but there’s nothing wrong with a little sloppy seconds, just think about how many guys the last girl you fucked had…

I guess what it really comes down to is that I don’t give a fuck about celebrity, have no skills in spotting celebs, can’t be bothered knowin what they are up to….I am too busy thinking about my next drink and more importantly, every single vagina I’ve ever seen in my life, on repeat like it was a scratched record or something.

I also have trouble remembering what I’ve posted about because I try to block the shit I write, probably out of embarrassment.

Speaking of embarrassment, my wife started doing sit-ups in the living room and by living room I mean our bedroom, because we are 4 people in a one bedroom apartment. She said she’s trying to lose weight to be sexy for me, I’ve called her fat so much that she’s stopped eating, I figure if she doesn’t eat for the next 8 years, she’ll look good enough, but that’s unlikely, I am sure she’ll be back to the donuts by Monday.

Speaking of donuts, here’s a Myspace message I sent a chick yesterday…..

Hey,

I run a website that features fat chicks daily, I wanted to know if you’d like to be one of the models. It will make you famous and it sure beats sitting in a donut shop getting fatter…

With Love

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

And here are some old or new Beyonce nipple pics…

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I got into a situation today when I went to a friends house for lunch. He took me to a strip mall diner 30 minutes out of the city like we were on a fucking bus tour or some shit and when when we got there the food tasted like shit. So here I am in a fucking suburban wasteland looking at the massive parking lot we’re in and I start freaking out, I couldn’t figure out what the point of the expedition was because I guess I am not an explorer. To make the day worse, I went back to his house for beer because he felt bad that I hated the strip mall so much, we get to drinking and dude turns on the tv. Everyone Loves Raymond is on and dude starts launghing at all the shitty jokes. I guess I hate a lot of things, but at least that allows me to know what I like and one of the things I fucking hate is Ray Romano and he stupid voice and bad jokes…

Speaking of bad jokes, here’s some bad links….assholes.

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I just got home and I am drunk. I didn’t drink very much but I took allergy medication cuz I couldn’t breathe out of my nose and it fucked me up. Adding booze to the mix made it so much better. The night was a blur and I only had 3 drinks. I guess it doesn’t matter, I came home to find one of my readers trying to upstage me and I have no problem helping him outshine me because I am kinda bored of all this writing all the time and this dudes out fucking whores with dildos, something I’ve never been able to pull off all these years because sex toys were always way out of my budget and the one time I made one at home out of candle girls would get skeptical about rockin it. I think it was all the grime it was covered in, but that’s not the point, the point is that allergy pills and booze make a great fucking combo, but don’t talk my word for it…I heard it may kill you which wouldn’t be so bad cuz no one will notice you’re gone….

Here’s that comic strip.

Mr. Chris’s Comics. Episode 1: Neal’s Sisterly Love. See what you think. Was bored at work and couldn’t decide whether to go masturbate to the Sears catalog in the office bathroom, or tell a story with pretty pictures of fat strippers and dildos (all my photos).

They’re sequential…so you know…start with Frame 1. Enjoy. If you post it make sure to include the whole TOO BE CONTINUED….type of thing. I didn’t have time to finish the whole story, started fantasizing about the down syndrome chick who works at the Starbucks in our building….what I need to do is get some pictures of that…mmmmmmm…down syndrommmmmeee……

-Mr. Chris

To Be Continued…

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I just got home and I am drunk. I didn’t drink very much but I took allergy medication cuz I couldn’t breathe out of my nose and it fucked me up. Adding booze to the mix made it so much better. The night was a blur and I only had 3 drinks. I guess it doesn’t matter, I came home to find one of my readers trying to upstage me and I have no problem helping him outshine me because I am kinda bored of all this writing all the time and this dudes out fucking whores with dildos, something I’ve never been able to pull off all these years because sex toys were always way out of my budget and the one time I made one at home out of candle girls would get skeptical about rockin it. I think it was all the grime it was covered in, but that’s not the point, the point is that allergy pills and booze make a great fucking combo, but don’t talk my word for it…I heard it may kill you which wouldn’t be so bad cuz no one will notice you’re gone….

Here’s that comic strip.

Mr. Chris’s Comics. Episode 1: Neal’s Sisterly Love. See what you think. Was bored at work and couldn’t decide whether to go masturbate to the Sears catalog in the office bathroom, or tell a story with pretty pictures of fat strippers and dildos (all my photos).

They’re sequential…so you know…start with Frame 1. Enjoy. If you post it make sure to include the whole TOO BE CONTINUED….type of thing. I didn’t have time to finish the whole story, started fantasizing about the down syndrome chick who works at the Starbucks in our building….what I need to do is get some pictures of that…mmmmmmm…down syndrommmmmeee……

-Mr. Chris

To Be Continued…

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There isn’t much better than a sweaty crackhead doing some kind of arch thing with her back while hugging her boyfriend. In these pictures, that crackhead is Fergie and the sweaty arch thing would get me hard provided I was capable.

It reminds me of my night at the stripper where I saw a 20 pound overweight girl who must have been classically trained in ballet doing the splits all kind. I know fat people and without any training there would be no way bitch could move like that.I also saw three dudes walk out of the bathroom stall together, I can only assume ripping lines to help give them the courage needed to ask a stripper for a lap dance, because it’s not like it’s not her fucking job and getting a lap dance is a lot like ordering a big mac at McDonalds. It also reminds me of the stripper with cement feet would couldn’t get more that 8 inches off the ground on the pole, I am not a stripper coach but I should be, and this bitch was moving like she strapped down to the stage….the highlight was when an older mother hen stripper was on the side of the stage guiding cement feet to drop her top and flash her box….I guess all this is to say that Fergie dances like she’s professionally trained, does drugs like she’s trying to muster up the courage to get a lap dance and is a lot like a dancing monkey with people lookin over her telling her what to do and when to flash her pussy like the new stripper with cement….if none of that makes sense, it’s cool, I am sure you aren’t even reading…..don’t worry, either am I, Asshole.

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These pics are probably not that interesting to you and I understand why. They aren’t interesting to me either but It’s 4:30 and I figured I needed something to post and couldn’t really find anything naked, bikini so I went with this, probably a bad choice but it happens. It looks like Richie is trying to work her way into the Charlotte family by getting tight with her boyfriends gay brother’s hot fiance. I am not a psychiatrist but I am going to say she’s doing this cuz her mother abandoned her when she was a kid and since then she’s been looking for the ideal family unit. Unfortunately, she fucked up like most ex-addicts do and ended up with a couple of Poser shitty band motherfuckers…but she’ll keep holding onto the dream like she is holding onto this Monk chicks hand…trying to never lose what she’s always wanted….

Enough of that, it as pretty fucking lame, even if it’s true…I guess the point of this is to say that I figured out how to spot an adopted black chick from a crowd of people, it’s pretty fucking simple, first she’ll be sitting at a table in an Irish Pub, singing along to Sweet Caroline and eating some Bangers and Mash with 6 which chicks who look like they had no friends in highschool, just like you..You know the kind of girl you wouldn’t admit to fucking when all the pretty girls were dating dudes in college…

Either way here are some boring Nicole pics of her boring life from a boring site to a boring you…cuddles…

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Some losers are dissing me in my comments because they saw the Paris Hilton pics first thing in the morning on some gay celebrity site. I don’t read gay celebrity sites so I guess that’s why I wasn’t quicker. I would say something like that I have a life or better things to do, but I guess I really don’t…because sitting on my couch with my computer on my lap probably doesn’t count as having a life to most people, I am probably the type of person suburban people would call losers cuz we can’t hold a job, sleep with hookers and drink every night, lucky for me people realized that the loser way is the more entertaining way. That said the new breed of loser is the kind of guy who tells me exactly what time the pics hit the internet, and that kind of person is a serious loser, the kind of guy who would have killed himself a few years ago, but unfortunately he’s found purpose on the internet….I still have no purpose and I don’t even know if this post makes sense, I wrote it in 2 sittings but here are my steplinks…

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I was just watching Porky’s, I haven’t seen this movie in a long fucking time and there’s all kinds of pussy in it. Hairy Pussy. The kind of pussy I like. The gym teacher who grabs the dudes cock in the shower looks a lot like my wife did when we first met, since then she’s let herself go. If she still had that tight(er) body I probably wouldn’t have psychologically blocked erections…I know to the average person that bitch is disgusting, but I have never really had any standards….

I know that there’s some asshole posting in my comments pretending to be my young hot wife standing at 5 ft 9 and weighing 118 praising me for owning her box and offering me non-stop blowjobs. I would like to ask that person to step forward, because despite the fact that you aren’t really my wife, it doesn’t mean you never will be….

Here’s someone I don’t want to have as a wife caught with her pants down on the site of some shitty movie called Hottie and Nottie. Obviously this is not the first time, because let’s face it she’s a slut. If this was the Golden Globes she’d win best cunt we’ve all seen get fucked….

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I have received a few submissions for the you want to date a stripper contest and this is Entry #1. I don’t know if the date is still on, the stripper read the comments on the post and freaked out on me. I may have to pay the stripper to date one of you, but I still have hope and the contest is still on. The goal is to document the date and make a stepTV episode out of it, I just haven’t decided when the contest ends or how it’s going to happen, but none of that matters right now because this is only entry one. We’ve got plenty of time for this to fizzle out and die like all my other great ideas…

Dear Jesus,

I need some fame so I can afford Valtrex and kung foo lessons. I hear you make people famous. Maybe we can make a deal.

I’ve written you on myspace before and you ended up wanting some naked pictures of my girlfriend. I was tempted, just because I’m an asshole, but then my computer was stolen when I was drunk at some hipster party with my face between some chicks unshaven legs. I hope they enjoy the Fisting Teddy Ruxpin fetish portfolio I started…god, I was so close to making it big. That shit would have sold like hot cakes.

I’m a devoted drunkenstepfather.com reader (even joined that shitty Trendster thing which I think I’ve been on once cause I still think it sucks worse than sticking your twig and berries in a dirty vacuum attachment). I guess this would be the second time I’ve written you, and you can blame “Date a Stripper� for this shit.

I looked at that stripper chicks pictures and I can say that yep…kinda’ attracted, at least to her ass, but still not sure. I think she has a few ugly trees in the forest…it might be the transformer face syndrome. You know the disease, the one where the face changes shapes and weights whenever the light hits it at a different angle, and to tell the truth, I’m not too sure about her tits either, they might be filled with applesauce. Don’t get me wrong; ever since I was three years old I’ve loved apple sauce, I’d usually eat it after Saturday morning Cartoons, which would also apply towards your stripper friend. Bonus?? Not sure.

My proposal: I showed the Date a Stripper post to my girlfriend and she thought the chick was hot. And that’s where we need to help each other out.
I want you to document the making of a threesome. I’ll attach some preliminary pics…I can guarantee that if this chick heads down this direction, or if we head up there you will get naked pictures of her and that stripper friend of yours together, with toys, shaved gerbils, Chuck Norris, and a whiffle ball bat (and yes I will try and stay out of all the photos, cause I’m probably as ugly as you). How bout them apples? A live blog documentary! THE MAKING OF A THREESOME! I will even use my United Mileage points for airline fare to Denver Colorado for the action and adventure…Is she Canadian? Fuck I hope she has a passport.

Write back if you’re not too drunk, or if your wife isn’t forcing you to break out your cunnalingus skills on her poonternanty.

-Mr. Chris

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I was watching American Idol because I don’t have cable and when you don’t have cable you are forced to do things that you probably wouldn’t normally watch. American Idol is not one of those shows. I fucking love it. What I don’t love is that I am convinced that all these fuckers are faking it. I am talking the freakshows like the 6 ft 7 black chick, or the dude who thought he was Taylor Hicks and security kicked out for trying to style Simon’s hair….but the highlight of the show was the Fat dude in the Hawaiian shirt, but that’s just because people who wear Hawaiian shirts like the let loose and have a good time and his buddy the tree monkey. I don’t mean to re-live the show because it isn’t worth my energy, but it is all a fucking scam and I want my money back but then I realized that Paula Abdul jacked up on meds, growling and acting a fool may make me feel a little uncomfortable, but is worth my time, because watching rich people act as crazy as homeless people while making millions is a total fucking joke in and of itself….

That said here are some pics of Kate Moss for Agent Provocateur….I love her even though her ass fucking sucks…

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