I just wrote a joke that I think could be the next big thing in jokes. It goes like this….

A girl emails me telling me about how she busted her live-in boyfriend using the LPSG.org website. She told me that she found his profile name and went through some of his posts all of which were about how much he liked big dick and gay shit like that. So she confronts him asking him why he is on LPSG.org because she didn’t understand why he’d be there since he was below average in size. The only logical reason was to find himself a big cock of his own. Anyway. She sends me this myspace message saying that THIS DUDE has been chatting her up and since he had a 6-pack she took her fat ass to the kitchen and made some panty soup. Point of all this is to say dude has a kid but he’s a total fag with a shitty radio show (listen to his myspace “song”).

So here comes the joke I wrote that will be the next big thing in jokes and it goes like this….

Maybe fag’s are into to you because you are an asshole

Feel free to use it. So I guess you’re thinking, all that reading for absolutely nothing. My joke fucking sucked and you’re mad right now. Well just be happy that you aren’t Kate Moss’ Hired Umberella Holdin’ Slave. Even though he makes more money than us, holding a bitch’s umberella is like wiping the shit off an old lady with alzheimer’s ass because bitch keeps forgetting what it feels like to shit until it’s too late. Maybe that alzheimer joke is the joke that will be the next big thing….I just don’t know.

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I just wrote a joke that I think could be the next big thing in jokes. It goes like this….

A girl emails me telling me about how she busted her live-in boyfriend using the LPSG.org website. She told me that she found his profile name and went through some of his posts all of which were about how much he liked big dick and gay shit like that. So she confronts him asking him why he is on LPSG.org because she didn’t understand why he’d be there since he was below average in size. The only logical reason was to find himself a big cock of his own. Anyway. She sends me this myspace message saying that THIS DUDE has been chatting her up and since he had a 6-pack she took her fat ass to the kitchen and made some panty soup. Point of all this is to say dude has a kid but he’s a total fag with a shitty radio show (listen to his myspace “song”).

So here comes the joke I wrote that will be the next big thing in jokes and it goes like this….

Maybe fag’s are into to you because you are an asshole

Feel free to use it. So I guess you’re thinking, all that reading for absolutely nothing. My joke fucking sucked and you’re mad right now. Well just be happy that you aren’t Kate Moss’ Hired Umberella Holdin’ Slave. Even though he makes more money than us, holding a bitch’s umberella is like wiping the shit off an old lady with alzheimer’s ass because bitch keeps forgetting what it feels like to shit until it’s too late. Maybe that alzheimer joke is the joke that will be the next big thing….I just don’t know.

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Do you ever wonder why some people are famous and you aren’t? I don’t really care about this Hollywood shit. I would like to have enough money to pay my motherfucking rent though and Hollywood seems like a really lazy way to do it. All you have to do is show up to events and such.

I know some of you fuckers are talking in the comments about how I have a 4 bedroom condo on the top of the mountain and that I am making all kinds of money off this shit that I am hiring hookers while drinking champagne and laughing at you fuckers for buying an 80stee. I want you to know that that isn’t ture and you should know that because let’s face it, how many 80stees have you bought since visiting me here? I know that I have more that 10 people coming to the site daily. I just know that the other couple of thousand of people just click in and leave. They don’t count as readers.

The dude who posted my Alexa Rank needs to understand that Alexa means nothing, it’s based on people who have Alexa toolbars on their computers. How many of you have the Alexa toolbar on your computer? I know I don’t. I was linked on collegehumor and a couple big sites this month and it had nothing to do with MUNG. I have been doing this a long time, sometimes I get 150,000 people a day, somtimes I get 5,000. That traffic doesn’t stick around for long it isn’t consistant and it doesn’t pay my fucking bills. This site is a complete fucking bust.

The solution is to me is to get American Apparel to sponsor the site. I want you fuckers to start emailing them demanding they support me.

All this is to say, that you should be happy where you are in life. You should not want to be these poeple. They are all a bunch of losers who take themselves too fucking seriously, but at least they can pay their fucking rent.

PS- I can’t believe people read Perez Hilton. Dude’s too ugly to be taken seriously, even on the internet. Not to mention the person he is calling out to feed Nicole should probably stop feeding him. I am a fat guy, But I’m not red carpeting it. They won’t let me.

Now, as MUNG would say, while biting my style, Go fuck yourself. Cuddles.

Someone Ran Over This Kardashian Bitch With The UGLY Armenian Bus

Carmen Electra

John Stamos Used to Change the Olsen Twins’ Diapers, and He Liked It…

Paris and Her Push-Up Bra

X-Tina and Her Implants

Nicky Hilton’s Tall-Guy of a Boyfriend

BONUS:

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I have this new fantasy that when my wife dies, I start dating a barely legal girl or at least a girl who looks like she’s 15. Not because I am a ped or because I am nearly 40 and having a mid-life crisis and need this to make me feel alive againg, but because it makes for good comedy. I would coordinate it so that all our dates would be something little kids do, like getting ice cream, going to amusement parks, waterslides and the mall. I would get really dirty looks from moms my age, who would be at the same date spots with their daughters. I got this idea from my lawyer last night because one of the strippers had this tight pubescent body and was about 100 lbs. He said if you were to date her, knowing she’s 20, everyone would think she’s 15 and that you’re a pervert but it would be perfectly legal and I was all over that shit, Nicole Richie on cake.

Speaking of Fat Bitches. I feel like MUNG is my Nicole. I am giving him a fan base and an outlet to get famous, like Paris did for Nicole in the Simple Life. If he had started a site on his own a month ago, no one would give a fuck about him and he’d have all of 3 readers. But now you are about to read his story and write him fan email while leaving me in the fucking gutter to rot. Thanks for forgetting the original. Assholes.

THIS IS KIND OF A LONG ONE SO BEAR WITH ME PEOPLE

LAST NIGHT I GOT LAID WHILE YOU VIRGINS SAT ON THE INTERNET STALKING MYSPACE GIRLS. It had been 15 months since I had inserted my penis into something that I didn’t have to blow up first. Here is how it went down.

Patterson called me @ 10:30 last night and told me he had some wicked pot and that he wanted me to come over to smoke it with him. I was kinda nervous because I was thinking that he wanted me to pay him for the hash oil he gave me last weekend. He forgot because he is a stoner.

We smoked the pot and I was about to get up to leave because I didn’t want to sit around and listen to Wu-Tang Clan and reminisce about the good ol’days of high school, when all of a sudden he said “let’s go downtown”. I looked through my wallet and I had 11 dollars. “Sure” I said. So we hop in my 91′ Neon and head to the bar. I walked in and all of a sudden it hit me….I AM FUCKING HIGH AS FUCK. I don’t like to be in social situations when I am stoned. I become Helen Keller and talk with my hands and make grunting noises that don’t even come close to forming words. I ordered a beer from the bartender by using sign language and all of a sudden a girl walks up to me and says hi. This chick was absolutely disgusting and sorta looked like the Kool-Aid man because she was fat and she was wearing red pants and a red shirt. Patterson told her to fuck off and then said “Ohhhh yeah!” to her in the Kool Aid man voice. I nearly spit my beer out I was laughing so hard. She heard him but still continued to talk to me and offered to buy me a drink. I asked for a “Killer Kool-Aid” and Patterson nearly shit himself he was laughing so hard. After I downed the drink the chick looked at me and smiled. I think she roofied it because I woke up this morning in the East End of town, beside her naked, and my fingers and dick smelled like tuna flavoured Kool-Aid.

I hate myself and I am never hanging out with Patterson again.

I have decided to go back to bed without showering because I kinda like the smell of tuna flavoured Kool-Aid, but first I have to decide what type of drug I want to do tonight. I downloaded Huey Lewis and the News’ “I Want A New Drug” and I am listening to it right now to inspire me. I don’t want to go next door and ask my veterinarian neighbour for “cat tranquilizers” because she will tell my parents and then they will kick me out of the house and I will become homeless and I will have to rent my mouth out as a place for homosexuals to stick their penis to make a living. I don’t want to call Patterson because he will lead me on another adventure downtown. So my brilliant idea is to try “whippits”. For those of you that don’t know what a whippit is, it is when you take a can of whipped cream and inhale the gaseous contents of the can and become clinically retarded for about 3 minutes. I have decided to buy 4 cans. Actually, I won’t be buying them because I have no money. I will be shoplifing. I will let you know how my adventure goes tomorrow.

Now go fuck off,

MUNG

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Some girl was just talking to me on MSN and said that she’d be right back. Three minutes later she came back and said she went to masturbate. Under normal circumstances I’d know bitch was lying, but this time I know she was being honest. I thought 3 minutes was too short a time to make yourself cum. Unless you are one of my readers who cums at the sight of a vag, I just don’t get it.

I went to the strippers again tonight. I went with my lawyer. After last week’s fun, we decided to make it a weekly event. I liked seeing how the white girls were lazy and jacked on drugs trying to get through the dances and the black girls came up on stage and ripped it. They were doing the splits, cartwheels and fucking pole tricks that I had never seen in my life. It was like seeing someone who was really in their element, like a pro athlete playing against a highschool gym class. I am drunk right now, but figured out that it’s because as a little girl the black girl aspires to live the glammed up stripper life and now that she’s 18, she’s living her dream all while the white girls feel like shit for being a stripper and every dance brings her deeper and deeper into guilt ridden shame, thoughts of how her life went wrong.

This is not a race issue, just an observation. I like my strippers to be into it, so stop putting words in my mouth…and fuck yourself and Fuck My Links…

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I have some funny Meth stories about kids around here who used to smoke it in the park. They used to grind down lightbulbs using their skateboard grip tape until there was a little hole. Then they would smash out the black glass and the bottom of the bulb and pull out the element that makes the light bulb work. Then they would smoke the shit. I’d see them about 6 months later, a lot skinnier and sickly with their eyes buggin out of their heads. Talking to them was always funny because they were convinced that they were insanely productive and didn’t need sleep. They would brag about how they were up for 8 days and keeping busy. They’d lecture me on being a lazy pig cuz I would pass out drunk in front of them and they ran around in circles with all this fucking nervous energy until they got their next hit for the pipe. It was kinda sad but a lot a lot more annoying, because I hate high anxiety people. I can’t think of any of those funny stories of the meth kids, but I know they are in here.

In the meantime, check out Fergie from TRL. I have heard nothing but good things about this drug and Fergie is proof that it doesn’t ruin your life. She may look like a busted up tranny with AIDs but you all wanted to fuck her last year so fuck you for changing your tune. Homo.

PS – Two Finger Rings are Gangster and Peace Signs are Gay

PPS – I forgot what my PPS was going to be. But it probably had to do with me telling you to go fuck yourself and such…

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I met Nicole Richie once. I am not writing this to sound like I am a celebrity fucker or to say that I’m so hooked up or cool. Because let’s face it, there’s nothing cool about Nicole Richie and if I was hooked up, I wouldn’t be typing this shit to you. It was all just a big mistake that ended up with me and her being carted around with her bodyguards.

In the beginning of her Simple Life career, when she was a recovering heroin addict who replaced the heroin with donuts, because addicts always replace one addiction with another, and her addiction then was eating and now it’s not eating or over exercising, but that’s not what I wanted to get at because I am not some kind of psychoanalyst.

I wanted to say that she was edited proper on the Simple Life show and they made the world think she was a funny and reckless person who pranked everyone she came across. She was the funny fat girl who had her brain going for her and nothing else. After meeting her last summer, I realized that shit’s all a lie and that the producers of the show are fucking with all of us. She’s exactly what you think she’d be… a fucking retarded ditzy piece of shit. I am not going to lie, when the promoters mistakenly thought I was DJ AM and Nicole Richie’s Montreal friend, I liked the free cocktails they kept handing me. But everytime I tried striking up conversation with the slut, she looked back at me with empty and confused eyes like I was speaking to her in another language while dressed like a clown and dancing a jig. If you don’t get what I am talking about here, I am talking about the way a 20 year old sexually frustrated retarded person looks at a girl in a bathing suit at the public pool on a hot summer day….I’m talking public masturbation and awe, cuz that’s just what retards do. I remember telling a retard on a work program I was part of that one of the girls had a nipple ring and they caught him in the entrance rubbing on out to her “employee of the month” picture.

Either way, she was well on her way to skinny and she looked hot and still does. She just takes a bad picture. I admit have no standards, but think that you’re ugly so figure that one out….

Speaking of Ugly, here is MUNG’s best post to date. I actually read it. I don’t agree with what he’s saying and think that calling her too skinny is played out but you guys can decide. The other thing I have to say is that Tim Horton’s is a coffee shop and a double double is redneck Canadian for 2 milks and 2 sugars. Just sorting it out. Now here’s MUNG.

Nicole Richie makes me sick. Now, when I am talking about sick, I mean throwing up bile and blood, and shitting liquid out of my anus. I swear I saw her on Sunday morning sitting in a pile of sand with flies buzzing around her eyelids while Alex Trebek and Sally Strothers were telling me that “for the price of a cup of coffee per day, I could help support the starving in Africa”.

You know what?… I would rather let this bitch die while I sip on a large double/double from Tim Horton’s. Who the fuck does she think she is, getting d-list celebrities to ask me for money to help save her. I hope the flies eat her, and her body starts eating her stomach lining and when she dies from starvation I will use her bones as windchimes in my backyard.

I don’t have a backyard, but a motherfucker can dream can’t he???

Fuck this stupid bitch and the horse she rode in on.

Now go fuck off.

MUNG

These are pics from the Estee Lauder Event Yesterday Afternoon

These are pics from the Teen Vogue Event Last Night

These are pics from 2 days ago

And These are pics Mung Sent in from God Knows When….

Remember Ladies… Put that burger/cake/tub of ice cream cuz your sad – down….There’s no such thing as too skinny….

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Paris Hilton hates me. I and I hate my links and I havn’t been getting fan mail. I can only assume you are getting bored of this repetitive site. I know I am.

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This just in…. Drew Barrymore goes to the gym because she’s a fat dumpy bitch. And this has been my shortest post ever.

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