I had a lot of random dreams last night, I normally don’t have dreams and if I do, I never talk about them because listening to someone go into details about their dreams is probably one of the most annoying things a person can do. It takes a real self-absorbed cunt to think people actually care about what they dreamt about, but since it’s my site, I can write about whatever I want, even when it’s self absorbed. The first dream was about me riding in a taxi that was being driven by my doctor, I ended up at a ski hill in my underwear. I went inside because of the cold was pissing me off and sat on a couch, when I stood up I saw that I left a red wine stain that came out of my ass. When I looked for my taxi driver doctor to ask why red wine colored shit was coming out of my ass, he was gone. Dream number 2 took place at a family BBQ where I bumped into Christina Aguilera. She fell in love with me and I never found out why she was at my BBQ, but she was fucking annoying. The last dream was the best, it was of me watching an infomercial selling mortgages or insurrance but the twist was that they were using ChildSuperModels (a site I saw on OPRAH and took out the link to because you were all calling me a child porn peddler) to sell something boring.

Speaking of boring, here are some pics of Nicky Hilton’s Gunt, Bubble Cunt, Ponch, Muff Gut, Fat Uterus, or whatever the fuck you want to call it. You know it’s always sexy on a girl in her early 20s, it means she’s either knocked up or bitch is on a one way trip to looking like a Wal Mart cashier. I am not even going to bring up her weak chin, because I am a nice guy. Cuddles.

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I used to hate these cunts. I used to get annoyed when the media started saying that they were hot. I got more annoyed when the masses of people who listen to what the media say followed their lead and started saying they were hot too. We were stuck with a society of people who thought 2 ugly bitches were hot all because some asshole fucked up in the editing room somewhere 2 years earlier. Either way, it reminded me of when I was in grade 7 and all the dudes I hung out with were into this girl who had grade 9 titties but looked like a fucking alien. I am talking a real fucking alien, with no chin, repressed eyes and horse hair. Bitch was built like a dude and probably weighed in 10 lbs more than I did. But being the 13 year old immigrant new to the school and unsure of myself or the english language, I went along with this shit. I used to obsess over this nasty bitch with the dudes in my class and thanks to all of us, this acne scab of a girl had a false sense of beauty. Now I don’t know where this thing is today, but I do know that it must have been a horrible reality check when she found out that she was a bloody shit stain on sexy later in life. I am a firm believer that ugly people need to know they are ugly to prepare themselves for the horrible society we live in. I am on a mission to let ugly people who think they are hot know the truth for the better of all people.

That said, I think the Olsen twins look fucking hot. I want to get both of them pregnant with my mouth at the same time. I want to be in on spending their hundreds of millions of dollars on luxurious things like new jogging pants and a new liver, I want to help encourage their drug addiction and eating disorders, but only after I am made beneficiary in their will. That’s the story I heard.

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I was talking to a whore on AIM today and she was telling me that the morning after pill is called E.C. She thought it was funny that it was called E.C. because it was like “you easy whore u got nut inside of you, now here take this E.C. pill.” I think they called it E.C. like easy, because it’s easier than a life of headaches if you decide to have the baby, and a lot less emotionally draining than having an abortion. It seems like every girl I know who has had an abortion, gets a little fucked in the head. They usually only go through with it once and decide to either never have sex again or to use the pill as a precautionary measure. It doesn’t really matter, but what does matter is that I have some links for you to check out. I am good to you like that. Send in any links you find because I am running out of good ones.

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Some girl on Myspace just told me that her box was mangled because she had been raped and cut. I am all for making inappropriate jokes, but I am really not comfortable with bitches who joke about being raped, especially raped by a knife, because it’s fucking gross. I definitely don’t ever support rape unless it’s statuatory, but that’s only rape according to the girl’s parents and the law and it usually doesn’t invovle anyone being left to die in an alley with their pants around their ankles. Speaking of inappropriate jokes, here’s some pics of Fergie, who’s life reminds me of a rape.

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I have a thing for bitches who look like Jon Benet Ramsey, I wear mis-matched socks and dirty jogging pants. I love hanging with my stepdaughter and her 16 year old girl friends, I can’t get erections so I am never going to get charged as a sexual predator, I may get in trouble for trying to convince them to take showers together for me, but that has yet to be seen. I get sick more often than an African Aids baby and I don’t have African Aids according to my doctor. Speaking of Africa, I was dissed by a couple black dudes this weekend when I was at the gas station buying cigarettes and beer for my stepdaughter. We were in line behind these 2 “Alabama Blue Gums” who were dressed like they just stepped out of a low budget rap music video, meaning they were trying to look like ballers but drove a ’92 Honda Civic hatchback. Either way, I’m in line with my girl and dude starts checking her out, he reaches out for the condom rack and I picka up a box of Magnums to look like a star, totally predictable. I laughed to myself and when my girl asks me if her hair looks good I say “it’s way hardcore”…so as these dudes walk out of the store they look at my girl and say “yooooo I’m way hardcore” and start laughing and slappin each other on the back like they just won the NBA Championships or an intense game of dominos in the alley behind the projects they grew up in. Speaking of “Alabama Blue Gums”, here are some pics of Nicole Richie and her boyfriend, se was raised by a very weird man who adopts other people’s kids…with more money than all of us combined but no matter how white they try to be or how much money they have, they’ll always be of African decent.

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I was sick all weekend, so I didn’t turn on my computer. I probably missed being the first person to post all kinds of great stuff, like all the Emmy Arrival pics, but I am not a reputable news source and I am never first on much. I don’t really even check out the other sites to see what they are up to as often as I should and I have horrible work ethic. My goal here is to post 4 posts and a link dump a day, I usually fuck that up, but at least I have some kind of plan. Speaking of plans, do you remember when I used to stalk Lohan, it never ended up working out for me. I thought about making another voicemail message but don’t really see the point. Bitch had a real stalker, that was actually crazy, taking all media attention away from me. That doesn’t mean that I can’t post some bikini pics of her to start this week. So that’s what I am going to do. Remember that Lohan is an unappreciative, unprofession, spoiled little cunt who doesn’t even look like she’s worth a round in a bikini. I hope her career takes a downward spiral as more and more people in Hollywood start to hate her as much as I hate her.

Since this post isn’t funny at all, and I like to think most of what I do makes at least one out of the five of you smile, I decided to show you a myspace message that I sent some cunt in efforts to get nude pics of her. My quest for nudes has pretty much been a bust a lot like my Lohan stalking so I guess I should just come to terms with the fact that everything I touch turns to shit.

This is what the bitch wrote to me:

Well of course you want to c me nude, get in line. hahahaaha

This is what I wrote the bitch back:

I just figured that you would get naked with less effort than the other girls because you have had a baby.

I didn’t want to see you naked for any reason other than thinking that you would get naked. I don’t believe that there’s a line-up of men wanting you, that seems like a standard cliche response that all girls, fat and skinny alike would say. Just like telling a guy who is trying to pick you up in a club that you and your friend are lesbians.

Remember – pregnancy means you fuck and let guys bust up in you.

that’s pretty slutty…

A lot sluttier than a couple of pics of your mangled box

With love

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Lohan is reading this bookInside the Mind of Gideon Rayburn by Sarah Miller. I was surprised she knew how to read too. If Amazon didn’t cancel my affiliate deal for being an inappropriate site, I would be getting 10 % of anything you fuckers buy, now I get shit. Typical.

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It is late and I haven’t posted yet. I have a good excuse for it though. I started writing this post a 2 pm. I wrote an amazing post about how I hate A-D lister people who pose for pictures but how I love E-Z listers. I wrote a sad story about bitches from all walks of posing for all kinds of pictures like the fat bitch who dreams of being a celebrity while scanning cans of soup at the local price chopper then going to Sears to get portraits done. It was fucking genius by my standards because I was trying to do something special for a Friday but it accidentally got deleted when I was uploading Alyssa Milano pics, I fucking hate that cunt and hairy stomach now. I am not re-writing it, it will not live up to the one I wrote, I will will just accept it as a loss but I am pretty fucking pissed off that it’s gone though, what a fucking waste of my time and my blood is fucking boiling from anger. Here are some pics of A thru D listers posing.

Eva Herzigova Deserves a Post of Her Own

So Milano’s Stomach Hair Deserves a Post of Its Own

Christina Aguilera’s Tranny Face in 2003 Deserves a Post of Its Own

Elisha Cuthberts Rack Deserves a Post of Its Own

LeeLee Sobiesky’s Nipples Deserve a Post of Their Own

Kylie Minogue’s Breast Cancer Deserves a Foundation of Its Own

Keira Knightley’s Nipples

Kirsten Dunst Doesn’t Deserve to be in this Post because She’s Ugly

Kate Hudson’s Panties

Collien Fernandes is German

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Photo Credit x17 (obviously)

My doctor told me that I am a wounded bird and that wounded birds do not attract a good women. He told me that good women go for guys without baggage and who seem in control of their lives. The women who go for the wounded birds usually have “daddy issues” and are trying to be maternal and controlling so going after a weak person makes them happy. I don’t know why he thinks I am a wounded bird or why he’s giving me relationship advice. I went to see him for a Hepatitis shot. I am married, I found my dream woman, and by dream I mean nightmare, but that’s technically a dream, just a scary one and more importantly, I am not a wounded bird, I am only weak when it comes to walking up stairs and any physical activity and I don’t attract any women period. Point of all this is to say that my selection of links today are like a wounded bird, but you can’t do better and if you think that you can do better, send them my way, you cocksucker.

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Like all good Mexicans, Rosie Perez is getting fat. Speaking of Mexicans, I just found my new favorite site and it proves that kids are fucking retards when it comes to sex and NEED to be taught sex ed in schools, possibly by me. I am not that I am against a nation of Pregnant Infected Teens, but I am against a nation of idiots, not that I am not an idiot. I just know that I can’t get pregnant from giving a handjob…I will admit that it took me a few nights at the truckstop to learn that though. Either way, I can’t really get pregnant from anything, I was just speaking as if I was a girl. It happens sometimes and I blame the impotency. It fucks with my head. So click on these links and remember although it may look like my stepLINKS of the day….But it’s not. I tricked you, Asshole.

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