Unsorted Archives - Page 97 of 511 Archive - DrunkenStepFather.com

2007

08

Aug

I am – Christina Aguilera Lookin' Like One Classy Broad of the Day

Christina Aguilera

I had to transfer to another school halfway through my sophomore year cause we moved and they wouldn’t let me go to the same school. I don’t make new friends too well, so school basically became a day to day schedule me being picked on and getting my ass kicked, cause I wasn’t a loser-jock-girl-fuck who wore Sweatsuits to school everyday with the word JUICY blazing across my ass. There was this one asshole named Juan who fucked with me everyday and was basically the dude who lead everybody else in fucking with me and the other kids, and who everyone in the school hated him but never said shit to him about it.

Before the end of the year he was drunk and crashed his car, genius that he was, and fucking died. Low and behold, all the sudden everyone was so sorry he was gone, and there was yearbook dedications and days off of school etc. What pissed me off most was how all those fucks that said they hated him the day before were suddenly so sad he was gone.

Not me, I didn’t give a shitand told everyone so and even got in trouble because of it. But that asshole had it coming, and karma is a bitch. They gave us all the day off on his funeral. I went out and got drunk with my friends from my old school in the park and lit firecrackers while I screamed with excitement. I knew that asshole was the cause of my problems, and sure enough, I had no problems at school after that and finished the school year in peace. Ding, Dong, the witch was dead.

I always liked Christina Aguilera, not just because shes an amazing fucking talent (her music kinda sucks, granted, but fuck can she can sing) but because I once read that everyone hated her in highschool and she used to get the shit kicked out of her all the time. It gives me hope that my piece of shit life will one day turn around and I will be rich, famous and throwing eggs at the people I hate while I hang out the roof from my Limo with a bottle of vodka.

Okay maybe not the Limo, cause limos are for losers but you get the idea.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

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I am – Christina Aguilera at a Press Conference in China With Her Big Ol’ Tits of the Day
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I am – Christina Aguilera in Montreal of the Day
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I am – Christina Aguilera’s Tour Bus of the Day
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Posted in:Christina Aguilera|Unsorted

2007

08

Aug

I am – Christina Aguilera Lookin’ Like One Classy Broad of the Day

7 Comments »

Christina Aguilera

I had to transfer to another school halfway through my sophomore year cause we moved and they wouldn’t let me go to the same school. I don’t make new friends too well, so school basically became a day to day schedule me being picked on and getting my ass kicked, cause I wasn’t a loser-jock-girl-fuck who wore Sweatsuits to school everyday with the word JUICY blazing across my ass. There was this one asshole named Juan who fucked with me everyday and was basically the dude who lead everybody else in fucking with me and the other kids, and who everyone in the school hated him but never said shit to him about it.

Before the end of the year he was drunk and crashed his car, genius that he was, and fucking died. Low and behold, all the sudden everyone was so sorry he was gone, and there was yearbook dedications and days off of school etc. What pissed me off most was how all those fucks that said they hated him the day before were suddenly so sad he was gone.

Not me, I didn’t give a shitand told everyone so and even got in trouble because of it. But that asshole had it coming, and karma is a bitch. They gave us all the day off on his funeral. I went out and got drunk with my friends from my old school in the park and lit firecrackers while I screamed with excitement. I knew that asshole was the cause of my problems, and sure enough, I had no problems at school after that and finished the school year in peace. Ding, Dong, the witch was dead.

I always liked Christina Aguilera, not just because shes an amazing fucking talent (her music kinda sucks, granted, but fuck can she can sing) but because I once read that everyone hated her in highschool and she used to get the shit kicked out of her all the time. It gives me hope that my piece of shit life will one day turn around and I will be rich, famous and throwing eggs at the people I hate while I hang out the roof from my Limo with a bottle of vodka.

Okay maybe not the Limo, cause limos are for losers but you get the idea.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

Related Posts

I am – Christina Aguilera at a Press Conference in China With Her Big Olâ€™ Tits of the Day
GO

I am – Christina Aguilera in Montreal of the Day
GO

I am – Christina Aguileraâ€™s Tour Bus of the Day
GO

Posted in:Christina Aguilera|Unsorted

2007

08

Aug

I am – Jenna Malone and Laura Ramsey in a Bikini of the Day

1 Comment »

I lost my virginity before I became a hooker. I was 15 and it was to a local college kid that made my piss-poor fake ID, let’s call him “Jared.” I met him through my cousin who enjoyed romancing teenage girls with weed and then fucking them in the back of his jacked pickup. Jared and I started off as friends. He showed me the ropes, escorting me to seedy bars around town that didn’t care as long as you showed them something plastic with your picture on it. Looking back, Jared was a douche, but he knew how to play 15 year olds. I wanted him to like me, so I talked it up all tough, saying I had lost my virginity at 13 in the locker-room to my male PE coach, and I had blown my substitute teacher and nailed him in his Ford Torus.

After about three “dates,” Jared took me back to his dorm, which he shared with either a corpse or a comatose stoner. I was nervous as shit. I was pretty sure i popped my cherry when I jumped off a 30 foot cliff into a swimin’ hole and landed on my ass/vagina, so I was hoping it wouldn’t reveal my lies. We listened to some Gin Blossoms and Dave Matthews (yeah, well it was 1996). We started doing tequila shots: first off the arms, neck. He takes off my shirt, I take off his shirt. I unbutton his pants while he undoes mine. Shots off the abs, inner thigh. He removes my bra, does one off my nipple. Pretty soon were naked and he is flicking something in my wadge that makes my leg shake like when you scratch a dog on the stomach (I would have known it was my clit if I had stayed awake in sex ed).

Jared rammed me sideways, doggy, and with both legs behind my head (I am freakishly flexible). When it was over, I was so drunk I confessed I was a virgin. We smoked some weed, then he handed me my clothes, and I never heard from him again. And at 15, I realized that was just fine, because i liked sex, and there were plenty of other penises in the sea. And that is how the slut in sweet Nelly eventually gave rise to the ex-Hooker and party-whore that is Sugar Nell.

Here is Jenna Malone in a Bikini in Australia shooting “The Ruins.” She was in “Confessions of an American Girl” where she played some douche’s secret dork slut, and he knocked her up, and then she tried to off herself with a plastic knife in the bathroom of her dad’s prison on visitor’s day. The fetus aborted itself an hour later anyway. The douche reminded me of Jared. It was a great movie. Laura Ramsey was in “The Covenant,” which was so fucking stupid. Now wack off under the desk of your cubicle.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)
EMAIL ME HERE

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I am – Katherine Kelly Lang Bikini Pics of the Day
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Posted in:Bikini|Jenny Malone|Laura Ramsey|Unsorted

2007

08

Aug

I am – Britney Spears Semi Upskirt of the Day

3 Comments »

Britney Spears

Britney has pretty much been my daily source of entertainment for the last little while. I am never surprised as what she does yet wait eagerly for each new days news in regards to her to come my way, much like when you sit and stare out the window waiting for the mailman to bring your monthly issue of SPANK (except I don’t hide this perversion from my Mom like you do). The only problem is since nothing is surprising me, I’m starting to feel like it’s not so special anymore.

Remember when you first got the internet and would see a picture of somebody shitting on someone else and be all like “Ooooohhhhh whoa!!” Then gradually, it didn’t surprise you anymore right? Then it got to the point where you had been to rotten.com and all those other fucked up sites so many times that you would see a dead baby with its head blown off off being held up by its mother while she was being fucked by her son, and it was just like “Meh, big deal”

Me and Britney are kind of like you and those sites, It still interests me, but in the end I’ve seen it all before.

You can bet your ass I’m still gonna look though!!

hugs and kisses
Marie-eve Martinez

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Posted in:Britney Spears|Trash|Unsorted|Upskirt

2007

07

Aug

I am – stepLINKS of the Day

1 Comment »

I have to write a speech for my friend’s wedding on the weekend, and I am none too thrilled that he is getting married, not only because I dont like the chick and think shes a slag, but because all he does is complain he doesnt want to get married whenever it comes up. Usually when I really dont want to do shit, I just dont do it, but jackass doesnt seem to think like me for whatever reason. Regardless I have to write a speech about how happy I am about this Holy Union (did I mention I don’t believe in God?) and the glorys of it. I’m pretty much at the point where I’ve decided to probaly get drunk and just ruin the entire wedding on purpose.

Email me some ideas, how would YOU ruin you best friends wedding? stepdaughter[at]drunkenstepfather.com

Here’s the links.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

Happy Birthday Scientology
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Some idiot goes all out to change himself into Michael Jackson
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Blondes! Brunettes! Redheads! Oh My!!
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WTF is up with Lauryn Hill?
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Britney Spears is an excellent driver
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Nip twist open
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What happened to Doogie Howser?
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Got Milk?
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Autobot on rollerblades, cause things like that impress you
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Paris Channels her inn (and outer) WHORE
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Tastes like chicken (NSFW)
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Hill climb fuck up
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Henna Hilton in Penthouse
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Grand Theft Anal 10
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Sarah Hendy Tit Slip on TV
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Jessica Biel runs around in her socks and no pants
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Who’d you rather?
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Photo Bucket Thanks to Rogue Collector
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Gwyneth Paltrow looks like a dude
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Britney does more stuff, we talk about it
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You Mommas on crack!
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Lookin Good Sweetheart
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The Dixie Boys take fighting and ignorance to a new level
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David Spade goes on a blind date
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Redhead Laura
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Free Petey!
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MORE photobucket thanks to Rogue Collector
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Two awesomely bad rappers to debate their crappy albums
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Child Fergie sings Lionel Richie + Horrifying clown
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Rumer Willis’ new movie, with some chick that is hotter then her
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John Travolta’s umbrella holder guy
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J Lo is spiritual
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And MORE Photobucket from Rogue Collector
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Charlize Theron in a bikini
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Shark eating a seal, because I happen to like Sharks
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Tour of Lohans new rehab center
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Amy Winehouse actually made it to Lolapalooza?
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Amy Winehouse to also guest star on the Simpsons
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The Most revolting women of 2007
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Crazy cat lady
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Josie Maran lookin good
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Lookin Good Sweetheart
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Get laid, it pays
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Posted in:stepLINKS|Unsorted

2007

07

Aug

I am – My Own Shopping Mall of the Day

1 Comment »

I can’t stop laughing at this video, and the music choice just makes it even that much better. some things require few words to go along with them, and this is one of them

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

Posted in:stepTV|Unsorted

2007

07

Aug

I am – Vintage Naked Lisa Marie and Jeff Goldblum on the Beach of the Day

2 Comments »

I didn’t go out last night because i got bubonic plague early monday morning and missed work. Since I slept all day, I was up all night amusing myself. After the batteries died in my vibrator, I decided to try this fake-tan shit. Living in NYC has made me pale as an albino’s balls. Tanning salons are cancer boxes. I used to get brown from running, but I can’t run anymore since i fucked up my knees from giving too much head on hard surfaces as a hooker. And sunbathing is so fucking boring, unless you are at the beach. And I was too hungover to handle more than 20 minutes at the beach in San Diego.

So I stripped and slathered my body with this tanning cream. I made sure to properly smear it into each crevice, to really rub my ass, to massage the lotions deep into my tits. As I was standing in front of the mirror, nude, waiting for the magical golden change, it sounded like the water was running in my studio. Now my apartment is a converted storefront, with basically a garage door for one wall, the kind the shopkeeeper would open and BANG, his store was basically open to the street (luckily there is also a side door so I don’t have to do that). I check for the source of the trickling water, and its not from my shower, which is next to my toilet. It’s not from the toilet, which is next to my sink. And its not from my sink, which is across from my bed…

I notice a puddle of dark liquid leaking from under my garage door wall, exactly in the place where i need to replace the duct tape for when it rains. I smell pee, and I am PISSED. I fling open my side door and start screaming at this homeless junkie taking a leak on my sorta-wall. He stands there stunned. I realize I am still completely naked and lubed up, and we are both caught in this awkward moment. He runs, I go back inside to clean the urine off my floor. My studio still smells like pee and I am not a naked golden goddess… YET.

Here are some vintage pics of Lisa Marie naked with Jeff Goldblum on some beach from a few years ago (it maybe old, but it’s boobs and bush). She has the potential to be a golden goddess, she just needs to even out those white hooters and crotch. She is a patchwork goddess. As for Goldblum, I love him, but thank god for lots of sand. Lisa Marie is best remembered as the hot gum chewing ‘Martian Girl’ in “Mars Attacks!” and hasn’t worked since 2001. Have fun wacking off to Lisa’s still pretty good-look’n bod.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)
EMAIL ME HERE

2007

07

Aug

I am – Helen Hunt’s Ass Cheek in Hawaii of the Day

3 Comments »

When I lived Texas as a kid (post LA), we had some real colorful neighbors. But the cream of the crop, my favorite, was the neighbor we’ll call “Ned.” Every morning Ned would creep outside carrying two old coffee tins filled with some sorta liquid, then empty them into the storm drain. Ned only wore wifebeaters and old plaid swim trunks and spent each day mowing his lawn. One morning i was getting into the the car on my way to my douche-magnent high school, when Ned strolls up to me holding a nasty towel. “Good Morning Ned,” I say. “Morn’n Nelly,” he says. Ned leans against my car door, dangling the towel, his head so near I notice he needs a dentist, and fucking quick.

“You, know…” he says. “Umm.. what?” I respond, knowing that if he tries to kidnap me and I scream, it’s useless since my mom is knocked out with sleeping pills and my dad is face down on the back porch with a bottle of scotch. Fuck. “Nelly, you should always carry a towel with you, like i do, in case of emergencies.” Okaaayyy… “Why?” I ask as he grins and stares down at my crotch. “In case you get trapped in your car and have to go to the bathroom.”

“Thanks,” I said, slamming the car door, knocking him back, and speeding off like I was on the honor roll and late for prize day. That’s when I began to wonder if the nice Turkish man that “joked” about being a pimp at that seedy bar (fake IDs baby) may have more to offer me than the world I was raised in.

Here is Helen Hunt raising her daughter in a beautiful world filled with Hawaiin beaches, and towels not soiled with Ned’s feces. What’s not so beautiful is her right ass cheek hanging out of her bathing suit. She’s got that wise look like, I may be old and have thighs like clotted cream but fuck you, I am rich, have an oscar and love my life. And for that I both respect and hate this bitch. I don’t know if you can spank it to her aging ass, but knowing you’re a virgin, it’s a go.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)
EMAIL ME HERE

Posted in:Ass|Beach|Bikini|Unsorted

2007

07

Aug

I am – Helen Hunt's Ass Cheek in Hawaii of the Day

3 Comments »

When I lived Texas as a kid (post LA), we had some real colorful neighbors. But the cream of the crop, my favorite, was the neighbor we’ll call “Ned.” Every morning Ned would creep outside carrying two old coffee tins filled with some sorta liquid, then empty them into the storm drain. Ned only wore wifebeaters and old plaid swim trunks and spent each day mowing his lawn. One morning i was getting into the the car on my way to my douche-magnent high school, when Ned strolls up to me holding a nasty towel. “Good Morning Ned,” I say. “Morn’n Nelly,” he says. Ned leans against my car door, dangling the towel, his head so near I notice he needs a dentist, and fucking quick.

“You, know…” he says. “Umm.. what?” I respond, knowing that if he tries to kidnap me and I scream, it’s useless since my mom is knocked out with sleeping pills and my dad is face down on the back porch with a bottle of scotch. Fuck. “Nelly, you should always carry a towel with you, like i do, in case of emergencies.” Okaaayyy… “Why?” I ask as he grins and stares down at my crotch. “In case you get trapped in your car and have to go to the bathroom.”

“Thanks,” I said, slamming the car door, knocking him back, and speeding off like I was on the honor roll and late for prize day. That’s when I began to wonder if the nice Turkish man that “joked” about being a pimp at that seedy bar (fake IDs baby) may have more to offer me than the world I was raised in.

Here is Helen Hunt raising her daughter in a beautiful world filled with Hawaiin beaches, and towels not soiled with Ned’s feces. What’s not so beautiful is her right ass cheek hanging out of her bathing suit. She’s got that wise look like, I may be old and have thighs like clotted cream but fuck you, I am rich, have an oscar and love my life. And for that I both respect and hate this bitch. I don’t know if you can spank it to her aging ass, but knowing you’re a virgin, it’s a go.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)
EMAIL ME HERE

Posted in:Ass|Beach|Bikini|Unsorted

2007

07

Aug

I am – Mischa Barton Space Dress of the Day

2 Comments »

I’m pretty exhausted and don’t feel like writing today to be honest. There’s not many bikini Pics floating around today, and it’s hard to be inspired by pictures of washed up actresses from the OC.

I’ve never been to California, but one of my rich friends parents are going in a few weeks and offered to take me along. I finally got my passport , in the hopes that I would meet a rich, rich man who take me away from my bullshit life, but it looks like I get to go with some other kids mom, dad and their family. Not quite what I had in mind, but you’re fucking poor and never et to go anywhere or see anything you will pretty much take a trip where you can get it.

Also, my hope of meeting a rich man will probably quadruple my chances, since more of the older men in Montreal are fat, ugly and on unemployment.