These are some pictures from the February issue of Esquire that I am probably not legally allowed to post and will probably be getting a lawyers letter to take down because that’s how the internet works now that big corporations realize that it’s not just a place for virgins and losers looking for love and acceptance. Unfortunately at this website it is just a place for losers and virgins looking for love and acceptance and I feel like the ring leader, which would probably lead a normal person to jumping off a high rise, it leads me to feeling like I have a purpose and have found love and acceptance….just not in the supermodel form, which is what I originally set out to get when I started this site, because I know supermodels have nothing better to do than surf for the lamest celebrity blog out there and fall in love with the person who writes it badly because from what I’ve been told supermodels are big readers as long as the book doesn’t have too many words and and comes in the form of TV and cocaine.
Enough about me, here are those Lima half naked pictures that you should use to remind yourself that as long as you read this site, this is the closest you’ll get to a girl that looks anything like this…or any girl for that matter and it kinda makes me feel awkward that you chose me over pussy, but I am pretty confident you didn’t have much choice in the matter.
Bonus Adriana Lima in a Bikini When She Was 15 to Show You Where It All Started….Pervert…
Gina Gershon is 44 now I am not sure if she’s a mom but her body is telling me that she’s not damaged like that. She may be old enough to be a mom, but that’s not saying much these days because this chick I know is a fifth grade teacher and she had to end classes early last month because one of the girls’ in the class went into labor. True Story.
Now you probably like that story a little too much, and that’s part of the reason why I hate updating this site for you gang of weirdos, but the background story is that the father was a kid in the sixth grade who didn’t realize what sex was, he just got his hands on his dad’s porn collection and fucked up in a huge way, even though we all probably wish we were getting sex at 12 to make up for the lack of sex we’re getting now. Anyway, the girl’s parents were some kind of Christian freaks who didn’t think an 11 year old bringing a baby to term was going to fuck her up for the rest of her life in a huge way because it was god’s way or some fucking stupidity.
So while that mom wears her pink Power Puff Girls jogging suit to birthday parties, this bitch who is old enough to be a mom but probably isn’t one because her body is hot is rocking a pair of Mom Jeans cuz she’s ironic like that and looks a hell of a lot better in them than most 20 year olds I see trying to pull off this look and that’s some kind of miracle.
This is Serena Williams at the Australian tennis competition that’s going on right now. This is definitely some “Ladybug” shit where the high school coach threw a dude on the girl’s team to win the championship that’s gone on so long that they don’t need to use the disguise anymore because the public has just accepted her as strong woman and don’t wonder what style genitals she’s packing. It reminds me of the time I put on a dress, wig and make-up and sucked some dude’s dick in a park for some money, but I was just doin’ it to pay the bar tab , I was drunk and he was married, so it was totally not gay. What is gay is that you just got turned on by my story while lookin at Serena Williams pictures, explain that to your therapist you queer.
We’ve all seen Lohan in all her glory and by glory I mean her vagina and that doesn’t make us too privileged because she hands that shit out more than a suburban mom hands out candy on Halloween, but at least we’ve experienced it and that’s a lot better than always wondering what the fucker looks like.
These are some pictures of the wind working on our side, unfortunately, Lohan isn’t. This more tame, sober Lohan is wearing pretty basic looking underwear, that I can only assume means she’s on her period like Britney. I hear that girls in close proximity always get their period the same time of the month, which is some weird alien supernatural shit that I can’t really grasp. Or maybe it’s outbreak season, which makes applying topical cream a lot less messy because the underwear prevents it from dripping down her leg and saves her from some serious embarrassment. Like the time I had a rash on my ass and the doctor told me to stop wearing dirty underwear if I ever wanted to have shit that didn’t burn and cause bleeding again.
Reality is that I find these standard underwear a lot hotter than a thong, but that’s just because I still like to pretend Lohan is a young virgin saving herself for me and not the kind of slut who wears thongs like your sister and all her friends you jerk off to.
So no one emailed me asking me if my wife died or not. She didn’t. It turned out she ate some bad sausage and not the kind of sausage I wish she ate so that I’d have ground for a divorce. It was just typical fat chick sausage that she huffed down late at night even though shit was raw and it gave her some crazy heartburn. The good news is that I was stuck sitting next to some bitch with some kind of cold and now I am sick as a motherfucker…lookin’ at the computer is hard but I figure it’s better than having to lay in bed with my wife.
Here are my links and there are a lot of them but you have nothing better to do on the weekend….
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You can't hate on Britney for having her period because according to science most women get their periods until they get old and dry up. What you can do is think it's kinda gross because periods are pretty fucking unnatural and disgusting even if science tries to trick us into thinking they are normal. Seeing a grown woman with rape-scene stained underwear just makes me think she doesn't keep her junk as clean as she should and although slip ups may happen to the best of us, the amount of blood on this shit is more a question of hygiene because this kinda shit is only acceptable when the bitch is 10 years old and sitting in the back of the class in a pair of white pants.
I guess this is all part of the fall from the top, because when you're crazy, it's normal to forget to shove a tampon in or to think flashing your bloody panties will prove some kind of point and this is one step closer to her smearing feces all over hers naked body then lighting her hair on fire and running into traffic, which is what I'm lookin forward for but that's just because I love poo.
I am posting this Nina Moric bikini pictures because I can’t get over how hot she is. I know they’ve done the internet rounds already but I am in a rush. My wife is making me take her to the hospital because she thinks she’s having a heart attack. Let’s hope that this time it’s for real and not just a scare or some fat lady cry for attention because I want to come home a free man. Wish me luck.
This is Sarah Morrissey, she’s the 2006 Miss Ireland. I don’t know much about geography, but from my experience every Irish girl I’ve ever come across has been fucking disgusting. They are usually bloated beer drinkers with fat asses who get too fuckin’ wasted to walk after their pasty white skin challenges you to a drinking contest but you don’t understand them because of their stupid fucking leprechaun accent.
On the positive side, they are easy, like most drunk girls and they have no problem letting you visit their pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and by rainbow I mean night of binge drinking,unfortunately there never is much gold unless you count that time I found a used condom in one from the pub crawl the night before.
That said I’d still let this Sarah Morrissey bitch rub her four leaf clover all over my face, but that’s just because I am superstitious and will do anything I have to do because I need all the luck I can get.
Here are some pictures of Britney from last night in some classy outfit that she wore out to dinner. In reality, I am surprised she’s even bothered putting on any clothes because she’s supposed to be crazy and most crazy people just smear feces all over themselves and wrap dead animals they found in the sewage drainage pipe they live in around them before going out to a classy restaurant. So seeing her in ripped fishnets is a little fucking disappointing. I figure if you’re going to play the crazy card part at least put your all into it and make a believer out of me, because until I see some real insane shit and none of this hollywood candy-coated “i am bi polar and want my kids back so I get naked in a clothing store when no one is in there” bullshit teenage rebellion copout, I’m going to think Britney is full of shit….which is probably true, but that’s just cuz she eats a lot of bad food and has pretty bad hygiene. So here’s to hoping Britney steps up her game a little.
Lindsay Lohan’s looking good at the premiere of Cloverfield last night, and by good I mean like a 1987 Texan socialite from oil money at the horse races or some shit. Her big hair reminds me someone who is trying to look like some 70s Farrah Fawcett bullshit but it looks more like this Vegas show girl I met in the early 90s who would walk around all done up in sequined dresses offering us blowjobs for 20 dollars which was nice because at least we knew she put out.
The good news is that her tight body distracts me from her stupid hair and I wouldn’t mind giving her 20 dollars for a blowjob, I think she’s worth it.