DrunkenStepFather.com - I'll Make You Famous…

2007

24

Jul

I am – Anne Hathaway’s Boring Cleavage of the Day

Anne Hathaway

Last night my friend dragged me to some pub filled with middle-aged men that probably earned their living painting and re-painting their mother’s apartment in Queens, maybe they tile her floor for extra pocket change also. This place did not have a single quality cock, which i guess was her plan because she needed a safe place to cry into her beers. My friend kept going on and on about how all the men in NYC are either hot bankers or hot poor artists, and all of them have one goal when it comes to women: fuck ’em and forget them. I have no problem with this, you see, because I am a slut. But I put on a sympathetic face because that’s the kind of friend I am. Secretly i wanted to kick her in the face for picking a dump where there was not one piece of ass to work something out with while she was in the bathroom fixing her running mascara. Bitch.

I went home drunk, horny, and pissed off. I took some ambien and mildly hallucinated to the dancing colors on my computer screen then went to bed, too tired to give the vibrator a round.

So yeah, last night sucked, and the only thing that has to do with this post featuring Anne Hathaway at Letterman last night is that a) her life doesn’t suck, and b) you’d probably like to suck on her nips. At least she took off that fucking “Devil Wears Prada” trench. We get it. You are now some sort of fashion icon. Damnit I need either a pound of prozac or a pound of gold right now. Here is your pound of Anne Hathaway’s cleavage.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE

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Posted in:Anne Hathaway|cleavage|Unsorted

2007

24

Jul

I am – Anne Hathaway's Boring Cleavage of the Day

No Comments »

Anne Hathaway

Last night my friend dragged me to some pub filled with middle-aged men that probably earned their living painting and re-painting their mother’s apartment in Queens, maybe they tile her floor for extra pocket change also. This place did not have a single quality cock, which i guess was her plan because she needed a safe place to cry into her beers. My friend kept going on and on about how all the men in NYC are either hot bankers or hot poor artists, and all of them have one goal when it comes to women: fuck ’em and forget them. I have no problem with this, you see, because I am a slut. But I put on a sympathetic face because that’s the kind of friend I am. Secretly i wanted to kick her in the face for picking a dump where there was not one piece of ass to work something out with while she was in the bathroom fixing her running mascara. Bitch.

I went home drunk, horny, and pissed off. I took some ambien and mildly hallucinated to the dancing colors on my computer screen then went to bed, too tired to give the vibrator a round.

So yeah, last night sucked, and the only thing that has to do with this post featuring Anne Hathaway at Letterman last night is that a) her life doesn’t suck, and b) you’d probably like to suck on her nips. At least she took off that fucking “Devil Wears Prada” trench. We get it. You are now some sort of fashion icon. Damnit I need either a pound of prozac or a pound of gold right now. Here is your pound of Anne Hathaway’s cleavage.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE

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Posted in:Anne Hathaway|cleavage|Unsorted

2007

24

Jul

I am – Pam Anderson and the Big Pink Elephant of the Day

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Pamela Anderson

Julien, our token gay blogger sent this in this morning, and since you are probabaly going to die of AIDS anyways, I thought maybe you could relate!!

You know how a few years ago it was this huge deal that Pamela Anderson had hepatitis? It was all over the news and shit and it was always getting brought up whenever anyone talked about her. And now, people donâ€™t talk about it anymore. I mean, sheâ€™s still all over the media but there is never any mention of the fact that she contracted hepatitis. I came up with a theory about why this happened.

I got kicked out my house when I was sixteen by my father when he found a bunch of gay porn magazines of mine that I had stolen from a convenience store. He said all the cliche things like â€œI didnâ€™t rasie no faggotâ€? and â€œNo son of mine is going to suck cockâ€? etc etc etc. So he hit me a couple of times and I ran out the house and went to live with my hippy Aunt. Iâ€™ve talked to him a couple of times in the past few years, but it has been nothing more than a few sentences here and there. The point of this story is, if I caught HIV and then went back to him and said â€œGuess what Dad? Iâ€™m HIV Positive!â€? he wouldnâ€™t be shocked at all because in his mind, thatâ€™s what gay people do, they get HIV and die. So me being HIV positive would be no surprise to him, it wouldnâ€™t change a thing. To him, me catching it is like saying the sky is blue.

So the reason why people donâ€™t talk about Pamâ€™s hepatitis anymore is that itâ€™s a little redundant. Of course she contracted a STD, sheâ€™s Pamela fucking Anderson! This whole thing was practically written in the stars. I mean no oneâ€™s going to be shocked when Lindsey Lohan
dies of a drug overdose right?

Smooch!

Julien

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2007

24

Jul

I am – Michelle Williams is a Unisex Nymph of the Day

6 Comments »

Michelle Williams

I am gonna tell you how you spent last night, virigins. You got home from your job at the video store where you play the playstation on the display console when your boss is drinking in the boiler room. You ate the broccoli you mom over-cooked as quick as possible so you could jump into your old childhood bed. You took your trusty flashlight beneath your 30 year old Spidey sheets, and re-read some fantasy Tolkien knock-off involving dragons, beasts, and fairies, and arrows. Your favorite character is the tiny elfin nymph whose sexuality is left ambiguous. You put the book down and proceded to jerk off to the thought of the warrior-hero fucking the unisex fairy. This unixes fairy looks exactly like Michelle Williams, a 13 year old boy with a striking resemblance to Mia Farrow. You have to keep telling yourself that the book is wrong and the nymph is a woman and so is Michelle Williams, so you are not a homo or a pedophile.

I am not knocking your life choices, come on, I was a fucking hooker and am currently on welfare healthcare. But at least my life choices have always involved having real sex and not virtual elfin book sex with a character that probably looks like Michelle Williams. Here is your favorite boy-girl nymph strolling around Brooklyn yesterday without her husband Heath Ledger.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE

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Posted in:Candids|Michelle Williams|Saggy|Unsorted

2007

24

Jul

I am – Victoria Silvstedt and Dreaming of a Life That’s Not Mine of the Day

4 Comments »

Victoria Silvstedt

I feel fucking terrible today and Iâ€™m pretty sure Iâ€™m coming down with god knows what because I feel awful. I dunno who the fuck gets sick mid summer, but there you have it. I tried to go to the doctor yesterday, but apparently my family doctor only works 1 day a week from now on, for 2 hours. Yes, you read that correctly, that son of a bitch works ONE DAY A WEEK for TWO HOURS and to get an appointment with my family doctor now, I have to wait 4 weeks.

I dunno how I can get a job like that, or better yet, one where I get paid to do nothing at all, but it seems like this asshole has the fucking secret. Even though I will probably be better in 4 weeks Iâ€™m thinking of making the appointment just to ask him what this fucking secret is exactly, because normal people like you and me work jobs they hate for long hours with people they hate even more.

Then thereâ€™s this guy, walks in, puts a tounge depressor in your mouth, goes to get a coffee, scribbles a prescription on a pad, and then collects a check for $6000 and jumps into his BMW and drives off into a sunset. I hate my life. Hereâ€™s Victoria Silvstedt.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

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Posted in:Unsorted|Victoria Silvstedt

2007

24

Jul

I am – Victoria Silvstedt and Dreaming of a Life That's Not Mine of the Day

No Comments »

Victoria Silvstedt

I feel fucking terrible today and I’m pretty sure I’m coming down with god knows what because I feel awful. I dunno who the fuck gets sick mid summer, but there you have it. I tried to go to the doctor yesterday, but apparently my family doctor only works 1 day a week from now on, for 2 hours. Yes, you read that correctly, that son of a bitch works ONE DAY A WEEK for TWO HOURS and to get an appointment with my family doctor now, I have to wait 4 weeks.

I dunno how I can get a job like that, or better yet, one where I get paid to do nothing at all, but it seems like this asshole has the fucking secret. Even though I will probably be better in 4 weeks I’m thinking of making the appointment just to ask him what this fucking secret is exactly, because normal people like you and me work jobs they hate for long hours with people they hate even more.

Then there’s this guy, walks in, puts a tounge depressor in your mouth, goes to get a coffee, scribbles a prescription on a pad, and then collects a check for $6000 and jumps into his BMW and drives off into a sunset. I hate my life. Here’s Victoria Silvstedt.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

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Posted in:Unsorted|Victoria Silvstedt

2007

23

Jul

I am – stepLINKS of the Day

6 Comments »

Iâ€™ve been getting a lot of emails asking questions about myself so I thought I would take some time to answer some of them here today

1) Yes, I am a different person then Jesus, and I am not just him dressed up as a girl posting. Althought the thought of that really makes me laugh.

2) As appealing as auctioning off my virginity to the highest bidder on the site, Iâ€™m not a virgin anymore, and have, in fact, been ruined many times over. And over.

3) Yes, Jesus is just as bad in real life

4) No, Iâ€™m not sure if Iâ€™m staying around when Jesus gets back, I hope so.

5) No, I havenâ€™t lezzed it out with Sugar Nellâ€¦Yet.

6) Yes, I realize I am not as funny as/good as/ smart as/ etc as Jesus, but like or not, asshole, Iâ€™m her till he gets back. Deal with it.

Hope this answers some of the questions you guys had. Hereâ€™s some links, click them and your wildest dreams will become your reality.

hugs and kisses
Marie-eve Martinez

The Sexiest Ladies of the Simpsons
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Fill in the Blank â€“ Family Guy
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How NOT to work out
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Finding sex has never been as easy as this
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Fat guys with hott wives. Yes, it really can happen and there is hope for you yet.
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And today, in Lohan dramaâ€¦.
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The child of my dreams
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Some bald dude gets laid. Thereâ€™s hope for you yet
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The child of my dreams Part 2
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The internet has crashed!!
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Nichole Richie is a puker
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Some guy eats a live snake
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Long jumper hit by javelin
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Some bailbait chick does stuff with her tounge
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Is it still a nipslip when thereâ€™s tape over the nip?
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Jennifer Elliston like whoa!!
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CAT FIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!
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Adriane Curry at the Playboy Mansion
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Pole vaulter hits the pavement
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Whoâ€™d you rather?
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Trouble for Brad and Angie? I donâ€™t believe it, but whatever, here it is anyways.
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Smallest and tallest man meet in person.
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Vadgeonna wants to make a movieâ€¦.Oooooh boyâ€¦
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Britney drives with son in lap. Again
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Harry Potter is rich and turns 18 today, so heâ€™s finally legal. If I slept with guys my age, I would so be all over his ass.
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Kate Moss sex tapes??
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Heather Locklear is getting it in with that old dude still
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Some flexible chick in a bikini
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Lookin Good Sweetheart
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Pervert Dentist
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Donâ€™t fuck with an elephant
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Yet another reason I am never, ever going to Iran
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You stay classy, Britney!
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Gone Baby Gone Trailer
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Jana goes lesbian
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Lookin Good Sweetheart
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Rihanna is number 1
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Heather Locklear wants to kick Pam Andersonâ€™s ass!
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80â€™s Porn is funny, especially when it involves incest
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Young Demi Moore Topless
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ESPN readers are more offended by gambling them dog killing
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Biggest movie mistakes
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Hot Asian chick of the day
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Highschool students strip for teachers
Thanks Jonathan
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Rupaul is as funny as ever
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Anastasia Ashley kind of naked
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Eva Mendes topless
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Your body is underage
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Michelle Marsh with her top off. I think I will be more surpriced next time I actually see her with her top on.
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Anya has giant tits
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Hey, whereâ€™s her ipod?
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Half naked Claudia Schiffer in Vogue
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Sex sells. Duh.
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Kelley Hazellâ€™s pussy in Cashback
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Flickr Tits
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I actually fucked a guy who used this stuff. True story.
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Posted in:stepLINKS|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

23

Jul

I am – Fat Hookers in a Limo of the Day

2 Comments »

I hate limos and the people who ride in them, and it’s not just because I’m poor and will probabaly never ride in one myself. Everytime I see a limo, its some fucking drunk highschool kids hanging out the top of it, or some idiot club goers who want to look like they are all ballin’ deluxe when they roll up to some spot.

Its like bringing an escort to your ex girlfriends wedding. Sure shes hott, and maybe you’ll get to fuck her, but in the end, everyone knows shes only there cause you are paying her to be.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

Posted in:stepTV|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

23

Jul

I am – Lisa Rinna and Her Lips in a Swimsuit of the Day

3 Comments »

Lisa Rinna

It seems like the quickest way out of the LA ghetto these days is not a basketball or crate of oranges but a fancy camera. Every TMZ video I watch has black dudes with kick’n cameras and a bunch of Mexicans yellling at each other and shouting ‘Lindsay!’

This is NYC and TMZ was definitely not involved in this old lady shoot in the middle of fucking Central Park with Lisa Rinna. I don’t know what demon spawn art director commissioned this crap but he should be shot, maybe tortured first. Basically one swimsuit was stolen from Paris Hilton and the other she borrowed from her mother in the nursing home. Yeah her body is slamm’n for an old woman but her collagen lips look like a pink, glossy anus. I can’t remember why (nor do i give a flying fuck) why this bitch is famous but I know she is on some cable ‘so you think you can give a lapdance’ show or whatever. She is made of lube and plastic, with some rubber for mobility, and is married to this Mark Hamil fag who has had tons of surgery too. Men who have plastic surgery end up looking like trannies and should just wear makeup and a skirt to get it over with. I bet when Lisa and her husband have sex it sounds like plastic bumping up against plastic, like Ken and Barbie rubbing each other all hot and heavy. The problem is Ken and Barbie have no dick or vagina, so it must be hard for Lisa and her husband to really fuck since they have no real sex organs.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE
pics

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2007

23

Jul

I am – Emily Scott Almost Naked of the Day

2 Comments »

Emily Scott

Iâ€™m going to get my passport this week because I decided I pretty much need to get the fuck out of Montreal for a little while and see some new shit. Jesus being on vacation has really pissed me off, and looking back on it now, I probably should have suffocated him with a pillow in his sleep and gone on that god damned cruise myself.

The only problem being is unlike Fatass, I donâ€™t have a fat wife who won a cruise at the supermarket, and I have no money for a plane ticket and no idea where I would go, but I figure having a passport is the first step in the right direction. That way if Iâ€™m out drunk and meet an old, good looking millionaire who wants to take me away, I can do. Although I will doubt Iâ€™ll meet one because the bars I hang out with are generally pretty seedy and the only old men who come in are poor homeless ones who want to use the restroom.

I had to get some friends to be people who confirm my identity and shit, and we had to make up big stories about how we knew each other because one of them is a guy I use for sex periodically and the other is a bar friend who I usually donâ€™t hang out with unless Iâ€™m up at 9am doing large amounts of blow. Somehow I didnâ€™t think the passport office would be to into that you know?

Hereâ€™s all that is the glory of Emily Scott. If I can find a way to look as good as her, my vacation courtesy of a rich old man is as good as mine.

Note: Iâ€™m glad that above the ass tattoo isnâ€™t real because Tramp Stamps are for poser chicks who canâ€™t think for themselves.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez