A few years ago, I used to work in a Drug Store. I was the stock clerk. Meaning I was pretty much the underpaid bitch who helped old ladies bring their bags to their cars for a quarter, I also got to stock the shelves, and use the price gun, but only when they trusted me enough to…it was like some stock clerk hierarchy….and my boss took his useless job too fucking seriously. I understand, people need to feel important/proud of what they do, otherwise there is no point living. Truth is when you are a career stockclerk, there really is no point in living.

Point of my story is there was once a Turkish Muslim cab driver who came into the store and we started chatting about sex. He told me that when he was 16 he couldn’t fuck girls or jerk off cuz of his religion. So he would get together with his boys and fuck the shit out of one of their dogs. He was laughing because one of his friends got stuck in the dog when it was his turn. Fucking Kelly Osborne would probably the equivalent of this muslim tradition, only in the Kelly Osborne version they’d be fucking a pig, even though that’s against their religion. I don’t think fucking a dog or a pig is right, I am just telling you the fucking story he told me to bring the point home that Kelly is a fucking ditch-pig, and she should stand up proud, that slouching slag.

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I want to point out that I don’t judge Paris for having Herpes. I read a long time ago that it was finally out in the open and I decided that when she officially came out with her STD, I would stop rippin’ into her dried up diseased cooch. The reason being that it is funny to laugh at people who put themselves at risk of STDs, like having unprotected sex with dirtbags like the dude in her sex tape. I don’t think it’s funny to laugh at people who actually land the disease, ultimately because the jokes on them…for the rest of their life, they’ll be tending to that shit, and we can all laugh to ourselves.

That said. This bitch is all over the fucking place lately, there are pics of her in LA yesterday, these are pics of her in Miami 4 days ago, and I even saw pics of her filming for Simple Life, god fuckin’ knows where. I have enough trouble leaving my house and walking to the store to buy a coffee sometimes I have to see doctors, therapists, immigration people and it’s a fucking struggle. I guess there’s nothing funny in that. It’s just sad…but sad is the new happy, go fuck yourself.

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Her name is Dolores de Muela, she is a burlesque dancer or some shit at some wrestling ring, where chicks fight and dance…. I like burlesque dancers and circus freaks and carnivals. I saw this trend coming years ago, I knew it would be popular because I am an unofficial trendspotter, but that’s not the point, the point is this burlesque dancing mexican vixen messaged me on myspace saying:

i looooooooove your site. I was turned on to it a year and a half ago when I interned at ET. Everyone in the news room adores it 🙂

UPDATE:
when i was interning at the ET news room I was always sent to run things to the studio. Twice I had to run over some ex-lax to paula abdul. It was a great internship. I learned a lot.

I don’t know what ET she’s talking about, but if it is Entertainment Tonight, I want to call those newsroom cocksuckers out and get them to plug me on their show. I have always had a thing for Mary Hart, and I always wanted to titty fuck her legs, until recent years, when she got fat, but I’d still do it….because sometimes fantasies never die. Say something like “According to DrunkenStepfather.com Lindsay Lohan Has Aids” or something…..

Back to my Burlesque myspace girlfriend, who I love and want to book to perform at the StepPARTY then impregnate her when she’s not looking, by cumming on her costume or something cuz she’d never sleep with me….dude, I am witnessing myself crash and burn…so read her story, it’s time for me to stop.

My father (god rest his soul) was the head captain of the best shrimp boat in Guadalajara. One Monday he cast his net and caught an astonishing 820 pounds of tiger shrimp. As he was empting out his net he looked down and noticed a beautiful sparkly shrimp. His eyes met her beady little eyes and his lips were magically drawn to her wet little antennas. It was shrimpy love at first sight! Days later the little shrimp became pregnant with me and my 1,999 little sisters. Unfortunately, the 1,999 others did not survive delivery. Ashamed and despaired they eloped and joined “Manuelito’s Fabuloso Circo de Pulgas” (Manuel’s Fabulous Flea Circus). For only in the circus were people kind, accepting, and willing to shell out big bucks to look at us. My family and I traveled the world as, “The man who married a shrimp and their lovechild”. I spent my mid-late-teen years performing and dancing shrimpily to audiences of all ages. Since my mother lived in a glass bowl on a shelf… I looked to strippers and trapeze artists for motherly advice. It was from them where, I learned how to shimmy, shake, and get down.

Visit her MySpace, Add her, make her famous, tell her I love her but don’t knock her up, that womb is mine….HERE

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coming….

goin’…

I don’t know how I feel about naked 50 year old bitches, even if they look good for 50, they are still 50. Do you realize how many yeast infections, pairs of underwear, cocks, mouths that pussy has seen?? I can only assume that it’s more than someone who is 30, at least that’s my theory, and my theories don’t need to make sense, because I am writing this and you aren’t.

Start your own blog asshole. Apparantly, my telling my readers to fuck off is getting boring a repetitive, I only say it cuz I mean it. I know expressing yourself can get boring fast, that’s why I don’t let people talk to me about their feelings… so if I bore you, leave because I got bigger issues to deal with with, like Sharon Stone showing up at Letterman last night, with her jacket inside out, but leaves with it done up right. I am guessing she’s protecting herself from the Fur Hater people, who are fucking annoying hippy assholes. I don’t wear fur, but I still hate them, and anyone else who’s trying to fight a useless cause. Chinchillas are happier being an expensive coat that useless rat-like animal that does nothing. Let people like Sharon Stone and her dried up pussy show up somewhere without having to wear a $5,000 jacket inside out….because this bitch could own your NYU ass…

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coming….

goin’…

I don’t know how I feel about naked 50 year old bitches, even if they look good for 50, they are still 50. Do you realize how many yeast infections, pairs of underwear, cocks, mouths that pussy has seen?? I can only assume that it’s more than someone who is 30, at least that’s my theory, and my theories don’t need to make sense, because I am writing this and you aren’t.

Start your own blog asshole. Apparantly, my telling my readers to fuck off is getting boring a repetitive, I only say it cuz I mean it. I know expressing yourself can get boring fast, that’s why I don’t let people talk to me about their feelings… so if I bore you, leave because I got bigger issues to deal with with, like Sharon Stone showing up at Letterman last night, with her jacket inside out, but leaves with it done up right. I am guessing she’s protecting herself from the Fur Hater people, who are fucking annoying hippy assholes. I don’t wear fur, but I still hate them, and anyone else who’s trying to fight a useless cause. Chinchillas are happier being an expensive coat that useless rat-like animal that does nothing. Let people like Sharon Stone and her dried up pussy show up somewhere without having to wear a $5,000 jacket inside out….because this bitch could own your NYU ass…

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I used to do a feature called Sexual Restraint of the Day, it was never very popular, and I don’t think they ever got a single comment on them, so doing one today just felt right. I can relate to the underdog. I don’t have any fetishes because I am too busy sitting on my couch to think about things that turn me on, but if I wasn’t a fat lazy impotent piece of shit, I would be down with Medical Restraints. It’s for the EMS worker in all of us, you know first to the scene of the accident kind of thing…wipe off the blood and get to work kind of thing, strap a bitch down rip off her shirt and give her CPR kind of thing, stick it inside her on the way to the hospital cuz there’s just enough time to get off kind of thing. There is nothing really wrong with doing that, you saved her life, if it wasn’t for you she’d be dead, so you kind of own her and let’s face it, she can’t really say no anyway.

My suggestion for you is to introduce this shit on your first date, the bitch won’t think you’re strange, and if she asks you to drive her home, immediately, you know what to do, (slam your car into a tree) and remember you can always get a new car…and you have the perfect opportunity to use the brace. I think you were a perfect gentleman, you gave her to the option to participate in your game voluntarily, it’s her fault for not cooperating.

Wow, this post should make everyone think I am a sexual predator, it’s funny how easy that was to do.

Cervical Collar and Spine Immobilizer

This is a medical head and spinal immobilizer system. It comes with a large 4 1/4 inch high Cervical Collar and a spine immobilizer unit that is designed to fit with the cervical collar. No cervical collar alone provides sufficient immobilization. The body immobilizer applies support for the cervical spine. Velcro wrist restraints are provided to keep hands restrained at chest area. This is a very restrictive, impressive device. Comes complete with instruction manual.

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Kate Moss is hot. I got no issues with her doing cocaine, she’s a fucking model, what the hell else is she supposed to do to stay entertained. She has all kinds of money, works minimally, looks good, let the bitch have her vice or two of choice. I do have issues with hipsters, strippers and rich kids doing coke, and I will explain. Hipsters are poor, they look homeless, they like to be seen at the hip spots, and go home for the Cocaine After Party, or frequent the bathroom all night as a group, to rip lines or keys, and it’s a fucking cliche. I hate cliches. If you are a hipster, you should be doing prescription pills, and not telling any of your friends, because you will get way more fucked up then them, and it won’t be advertised on a billboard, no one will expect it, and you will be the coolest hipster at the fucking party, even when you can’t formulate a sentence, you eyes glaze over and you start convulsing…they are presciptions, clinically tested, it’s not like you can overdose. As for strippers, same shit, they are supposed to do coke, so when you meet a stripper who does coke, it’s just boring and typical. I believe strippers should do meth, because they are trashy, disgusting in daylight, and get naked for money, so need the energy. I am sure there are plenty of strippers on Meth, but I just want it to be the industry standard drug. As for Rich Kids, they are just crying for attention, because they were raised by the nanny and given a credit card at the age of 15. I feel sad for people who create problems because they are spoiled, it’s like an adult version of a hissy fit. Rich kids should go to school, get good jobs and keep society working……

Anyway, enough of that shit…I love Kate moss, and I love the paparazzi she’s tripping over.

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Steve sent this to me, asked me to post it. I can only assume he’s got a thing for grey haired dudes playing with balls, it probably has something to do with a lack of attention he got in elementary school from the gym teacher. All the other boys were invited to the after class shower, and poor steve was left out. Ever since then….he’s never looked at a grey haired man who plays with balls quite the same….anyway, it’s a cool juggling routine, I guess, if juggling is your thing and you are into sychronized choreographed juggling dance routines. I think the real joke behind this post is that the guy juggling is a comedian and we all know he either learned how to juggle to make money on busking the street or in the subway stations to be able to afford the luxuries in life like a can of tomato soup and saltines on his road to stardom, if stardom to you means a perfomance on Jay Leno….or he learned how to juggle because he’s a comedian and they have a lot of spare time, you know contributing nothing to society takes little effort. I just watched the clip. I have enough trouble walking up my stairs without passing out, I don’t understand how this motherfucker’s doing this.

I have put way too much effort into this juggling post…thanks Steve, you prick, no one cares about juggling…

Watch Man Juggle Balls Here

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They were all over each other all of last year, and it got boring fast. No one wants to watch people that are so in love with each other that they need to kiss on the lips and hug 1000 times a day. It makes you look like your parents never breast fed you or loved you when you were growing up you skinny slag. It makes you look like you need constant approval and like you are nothing more than an insecure slag. I wouldn’t normally call somone a slag, that’s not my style, but I feel for AM…the rest his life he’s gonna be forced to fuck the pussy that Steve O was inside. Now, I got nothing against Steve 0, he’s insane and does funny things, but if real celebrities don’t use condoms, and Steve O’s has obviously had some nasty “on the road pussy”. I feel like I can relate to AM’s situation, not because my girl cheated on me, people die cuz of that shit but there was this one chick….

This was YEARS AGO, I’m talking ’92 or someshit. So, I’m dating this girl and she’s not letting me in her pants, it was before I hit rock bottom and had a little respect. So I wined her and dined her a bit. She was hot, smart, going places, pretty much the hottest and cleanest white pussy I ever tasted, at least that’s what I thought. The night we were supposed to finally slam, the bitch drops a bomb that she’s only fucked 3 people in her life, which is fine with me, I don’t give a fuck at this point in time if this bitch had been with 200 dudes at once, 2 hours earlier, and hadn’t had a chance to shower, I’d still go down on her for an hour….anyway she finishes her story by telling me all 3 of the guys were black, and that I’d be her first non-black lover. So I did what any self respecting person would do, I got the fuck out of there as fast as I could, pulled a whack in my car and never spoke to the bitch again. It’s got nothing to do with being racist, this was 1992, 13 years before Grey’s Anatomy.

Good Story….

Check out Nicole’s Seventeen Magazine Photoshoot Here

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