I wasn’t going to cover any Emmy Awards shit because the Emmy Awards are fucking lame and it was my attempt in protesting them. Reality is that I tried to watch them yesterday because I figured it would inspire me to hate the world more than I do or maybe even take the 4 hours of my life away from me. I promised a reader that I would live-blog but that didn’t happen. Life lesson, never trust a drunken Mexican.

I first tuned in on my neighbors TV during the pre-show red carpet shit and saw the fag from Queer Eye doing fashion play-by-play like it was a fucking sports show. I thought the concept was stupid and was forced to change channels, but that was after I saw lesbian Ellen and her wife who is not so lesbian but realizes that eating Ellen’s pussy is good for business, being interviewed. Ellen was a manic weirdo who must have been jacked on something and it made me question why we let Lesbians on TV.

I tuned in again for the opening performance that was some Family Guy shit, Stewie and the dog were singing about how shitty TV is, I think I laughed a few times but I was drunk and don’t really remember. I do know that I like Family Guy and think it’s the best written show, so I hope they won something.

Ryan Seacrest came on and didn’t make me or anyone in the audience even crack a smile. His jokes weren’t jokes and it was nice to see his Seacrest ship sink, I can only hope this continues in the next events he is involved in, because his demise is well deserved. He’s a 5 minutes of fame gone wrong situation, you know the kind of dude you hate that gets on some Dating Show but somehow turns it into years of success when his talent only should have got him to the elimination round….

The second Ray Romano came on was the second I turned the shit off. I hate his voice and seeing him on TV reminded me why I don’t watch TV. I used to go crazy everytime his show came on, I am talking throwing shit at the TV to make the pain stop.

I also kept catching my neighbor staring at me while rubbing his leg, and despite being all for dirty old men, I can’t accept dirty old men giving me the eye mainly because I am not into gay but also because I am disgusting looking and anyone giving me the eye whether man or woman is clearly fucked in the head and someone I don’t want to be around…I felt like I accidentally walked into some kind of secret gay man hook up zone like a public bathroom that fags use as a meeting place to fuck while their wives are out shopping or some shit…and despite it being more exciting than the Emmies, I still had to get the fuck out.

Here are some pictures of the event:

Christina Aguilera and Her Pregnancy Tits

Eva Longoria and Her Mexican Ass

Hayden Panettiere and Her Floppy Tits Hiding Under a Tent of a Dress I can only assume she wanted to wear adult sizes for once and this is the result

Heidi Klum is Living Beauty and the Beast

Jaime Lynn Sigler Brings Her Eating Disorder as Her Date

Jaime Pressly 4 Months After Letting The World Knows She Has Unprotected Sex By Having a Baby

Jennifer Love Hewitt Hiding Her Fat Ass We All Know She Has…

Kaley Cuoco Because She’ll Never Be On TV Again

Katherine Heigl is the Big Winner…Literally…

Kristen Bell Because I Don’t Know Who She Is…

Lisa Rinna Because She Hasn’t Been on TV for a Decade…But Her Fake Tits Get Her Past Security…

Maria Menounos Because She’s Greek and Takes it in the Ass

Michelle Pfeiffer is Old But Still Hotter Than Anyone You Know…

Phoebe Price Because Her Dress Has Windows

Portia DiRossi Because She’s a Fake Lesbian and We Like Fake Lesbians Because It Means They Will Let Us Fuck Them While They Eat Out Their Friends…

Teri Hatcher Because She Banged Ryan Seacrest

I am sure there are more, but this took me long enough to do and I am over the Emmy Awards….

Bonus – Christina Aguilera Performance with Tony Bennett

Posted in:Christina Aguilera|Dresses|Emmy Awards|Eva Longoria|Hayden Panettiere|Heidi Klum|Jaime Lynn Sigler|Jaime Pressly|Jennifer Love Hewitt|Katherine Heigl|Kayley Cuoco|Kristen Bell|Lisa Rinna|Maria Menounos|Michelle Pfeiffer|Phoebe Price|Portia DiRossi|Teri Hatcher|Unsorted