Hot Archives - Page 7 of 10 Archive - DrunkenStepFather.com

2007

21

Nov

I am – Vanessa Minnillo Still in a Bikini of the Day

So bitch is rockin a bikini on the beaches of the Virgin Islands, which is kind of appropriate because you’re jerking off to these pics and well, let’s face it, fucking yourself doesn’t count as losing your virginity….I don’t know why I bother with the you’re a virgin jokes, they really aren’t funny but I guess funny isn’t really my thing…

The reality is that I write this site for hot chicks and if you’re reading this and not a hot chick, you’re seriously fucking up my masterplan. I figure hot chicks like celebrity shit and I don’t so it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make in attempts for getting them to fly me out to Virgin Islands or really any tropical place, including their bathrooms, because compared to the shit hole I shit in, the local gas station bathroom is luxury, to watch them frolick around in a bikini, but only because the hot chicks I am interested and who I am writing for are also rich and willing to support me.

This is all part of my hot chick brainwashing quest, because I am tired of seeing hot chicks with guys I consider losers, even though they are good looking and have money and cars and buy them nice things and treat them better than I will, because Chachi motherfuckers and their magnums of Grey Goose with their gel haired dropping jokes from some shitty movie they just saw or doing the Borat are the people who deserve to be virgins.

Either way, Here are them there pics.

Related Posts:

Vanessa Minnillo in a Bikini Yesterday
Vanessa Minnillo’s Ass Shopping
Vanessa Minnillo Fully Nude Pictures
Nick and Venessa in the Hot Tub

2007

20

Nov

I am – Lindsay Lohan’s Not Drinking Designer Water of the Day

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I blame celebrities for making a lot of stupid shit popular. One of those things is expensive bottled water that assholes feel the need to drink in public to look like they are ballin’. I remember last summer seeing Fiji water in every asshole kid’s hand at 4 dollars a bottle, then Fiji became too normal for showboating assholes that they went with Voss at 10 dollars a bottle or something insane like that.

Now I realize that rich kids are assholes who get free money to do what they want with and I realize that poor people that are trying to maintain some kind of rich image because they think that shit gets them respect are assholes too, but I also realize that drinking bottled water is for fucking homo’s, If you’re dehydrated from a night of drinking, there’s nothing wrong with hitting up the water fountain at the local bus stop, you can probably land some teenage runaway pussy there, who is impressed if you buy her a fuckin’ chocolate bar because she hasn’t eaten in a week, but when you’re dropping more money on water than something with booze in it, you’re clearly a fuckin asshole too because bottled water will not get you pussy.

Here are pictures of Lohan drinking some Whole Foods house brand water, and despite Whole Foods sounding like some pretentious hippie lesbian organic shit, I can only assume this water isn’t anything designer and is the equivalent of wearing a pair of sneakers that you got a Wal Mart because you suck at life.

Related Posts:

Lohan Hanging With Her Lesbian Cock
Lohan’s Nipple
Lohan’s Always Hot
Lohan’s Hot Tit From The Side

Posted in:Hot|Lindsay Lohan|Tits|Unsorted|Water

2007

14

Nov

I am – Rachel Bilson Does Santa Claus of the Day

3 Comments »

There was a time when I used to dress up as Santa Claus at some shitty discount strip mall to make some extra money because Christmas is expensive, even when you don’t buy anyone in your family gifts because you hate them.

I used to sit there thinking about how much I’d rather have the mother’s of these annoying crying kids sitting on my lap asking me for dirty things for Christmas, that’s how I got through the job, but also the reason I got fired, because one time I had a little too much to drink before my shift and this slutty mother with the biggest tits walked up to me, put her kid on my lap and bent over, tits hanging out trying to calm her kid and my mind started racing and I got a boner…..the boss wasn’t impressed that Santa practically came all over his bright red suit like he was coming to town, while a 4 year old was on his lap.

I guess even ghetto stores frown on pedophilia, even when the whole concept of Santa is one of a man who sneaks into homes and lures little boys and girls with presents their parents can’t affort, like this dude I met who hangs with teenage boys and buys them things in exchange for them cleaning his house in their underwear…..

Either way, Rachel Bilson is one of those girl’s I wouldn’t mind giving my candy cane to, and by candy cane I mean impregnating her with tongue, because my penis doesn’t work, unfortunately for her, my rotting mouth doesn’t smell like peppermint, but she can always pretend. Cuddles.

Related Posts:

Rachel Bilson and Her Dog
Rachel Bilson Eating Cheetos
Rachel Bilson is Fucking Hayden Christensen

Posted in:Hot|Rachel Bilson|Unsorted

2007

13

Nov

I am – Ashlee Simpson’s Lookin’ Alright of the Day

2 Comments »

I have decided to make my site for hot chicks and only hot chicks so if you aren’t a hot chick, leave and never come back, this place isn’t for you. If you are a hot chick, then hey baby, what’s up? Do you come here often? You know I write this site don’t you? Does that make you want to shower for me? Let’s get busy.

That’s enough dreamin’, I know you are a dude and I am over it, but I am not over this Simpson sister because Ashlee’s lookin’ better than usual, I guess dating fags does good things for a girl. He probably does her hair and make-up and dresses her to look stylish, before crying himself to sleep and writing about it for his next Fall Out Boy song about how misunderstood he is. Or maybe the Botox she’s getting at 23 to make her eyes look bigger is pullin’ through. By the time bitch hits 30 she may end up doing Kanye West’s mother’s dance, I hear it’s like Souja Boy, but more dead.

Yeah, I know Soulja Boy is dying fast, but it’s still alive enough for my joke to make sense, even if my joke wasn’t funny.

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Ashlee Simpson Dates Bi-Sexuals
Some Ashlee Simpson Bikini
More Ashlee Simpson’s Bikini
Ashlee Simspon’s Nipple

Posted in:Ashlee Simpson|cleavage|Hot|Unsorted

2007

12

Nov

I am – Lohan’s Shitty Upskirt Pictures of the Day

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I was hanging with some Native American girls this past weekend as I sometimes do, because I like to keep things multicultural and I don’t remember the night at all, but I do remember one of them hated me more than I hate myself and I like when that happens, because it reaffirms that I am right in thinking what I think about myself…it’s like getting an “A” on a test.

When I found out that she wasn’t as native as her friend and was what they call non-status and pay taxes, I decided that would be a good theme for the night. So instead of learning her name or asking her to Huff Gas with me, I decided to name her non-status and try to encourage her to fuck every white guy in the place, because they’ve already fucked her. Everytime she bought a drink, I’d be like “sweet deal, you didn’t have to pay taxes on that shit, maybe I should get you to buy my drinks for me” then I’d correct myself saying “oh shit, that’s right you’re non status”.

I realize that this story is way less funny than the actually experience, I guess you’d have to have been there to get it, but I am too lazy to edit myself and I like to document how I piss off new minorities and this weekend was dedicated to the non status people….

Either way, here are pictures of Lohan having a shitty upskirt, that isn’t an upskirt and is really just a pair of shorts. She may have gone to rehab, but didn’t go to finishing school, so I am pretty sure that her freckled vagina isn’t done being willing to get raped and pillaged like a Native Village, but the status she’ll land is some STD shit, that I am willing to bury my face into, because she’s worth the pain.

Related Posts:

Lohan’s Vagina Pictures
Lohan’s Nipple in a See Through Shirt
Lohan is Hot From Every Angle
Lohan’s Hot Tits

Posted in:Hot|Lindsay Lohan|Uncategorized|Unsorted|Upskirt

2007

09

Nov

I am – Elisha Cuthbert in Stupid Pants of the Day

6 Comments »

I met a homeless looking guy who claimed he dated Elisha Cuthbert when she was in high school, because she’s from Montreal. He was telling me everything about her, from what her tits looked like, to what her pussy smelled and tasted like. He claimed that he knocked her up and she got an abortion and that letting her do that was the biggest mistake he ever made, because now his living on the street and he’ should be in a k-fed position. When I told him that if she had kept the baby, she would have never got work in LA, she’d be too busy trying to make ends meet..and by making ends meet, I mean suckin’ dick in back alleys and working the pole like all good teenage mothers.

The good thing about being impotent is that the less complicated things in life are amazing to me. Because the second you stick your dick in a girl it’s like you’ve locked yourself into some kind of problem that will present itself down the line, in my case it was just dealing with the rejection of them not wanting to fuck me again, and obviously the trying to cum during sex while they were crying, which is always hard to do because I am a nice guy.

Either way, I know that if I could get it up, I’d probably be fucking hookers every chance I got, and if I wasn’t fucking hookers, I’d be trying to fuck every little slut I come across, and that would make me a pretty bad husband, and since keeping up this husband of the year shit that’s so fuckin’ important to the core of who I am, I only make out with girls and suck their tits and try to finger bang them or go down on them and as far as I’m concerned that’s not cheating…..So what it comes down to is that my sex life is one of a 15 year old kid but with a lot more risk of catching STDs on my face, or getting girls pregnant with my tongue.

Either way, at least homeless dude can sleep well at night in his box while coming off whatever drugs he was on, knowing that he got her in her prime and that aging is playing a pretty mean joke on her and it’s always nice to see your hot teenage girlfriend turn into a washed up 35 year old fat chick with 4 babies and a lot of misery because her husband cheats on her and she’s poorer than you are, hypothetically of course….

Related Posts:

Elisha Cuthbert Looks Like a Jewish Retiree
Elisha Cuthbert In a Bikini
Elisha Cuthbert’s Cleavage and Unlit Cigarette for Horny Lohan Wanker
Elisha Cuthbert Smokin’ For Horny Lohan Wanker

Posted in:Elisha Cuthbert|Hot|Mom Jeans|Unsorted

2007

07

Nov

I am – Megan Fox Has Hard Nipples of the Day

2 Comments »

Megan Fox is pretty much one of the hottest actors in Hollywood right now and that’s not really saying much because I am more of a model kind of guy than an actor kind of guy, so I don’t get too excited about actors or singers being hot ever, but then again I don’t get excited for much, not even Christmas.

The reason I don’t like actors is that they remind me of circus performers. They are convinced that they’ve got some kind of talent because they can make themselves cry on demand or memorize words, and the industry pats them on the back because it lines their pockets, stroking the actor’s egos, making them think they are way more important to the world than they really are. My neighbor’s kid cries on demand every time his dad hits him and I heard him reciting the alphabet the other day so dude may be 3 but he could be the next Hayden Panettiere, he just has to grow his hair out.

The other reason I don’t like actors is because they are short and in an ideal world, girls would have legs that pretty much end at my face and models do. The model lifestyle is also a lot more interesting to me because they go out and party, do a lot of drugs, sit on beaches because their work is about as demanding as just showing up on time, and if they are big enough, they set the time they start and they make insane money for just being hot.

Either way, here are Megan Fox’s nipples that the dude from 90210 sucks, and better cherish the fucking moment, because she’ll eventually realize that he’s a joke and even if he’s got a big dick, she’ll be movin’ on to less embarrassing dudes because she won’t need their failure to make her feel better about her career, cuz that shit’s about to pop.

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Megan Fox Hot in Red
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Posted in:Hot|Megan Fox|Nipples|Tits|Unsorted

2007

05

Nov

I am – Kelly Brook Promoting Her Lingerie of the Day

4 Comments »

The thing I find funny about Kelly Brook promoting her signature lingerie line is that she’s not wearing any of it at the launch, instead she’s standing with models who are uglier than her in the lingerie. It’s some kind of fat manager shit that you see in bars, where the hot girl surrounds herself with table scraps so all the motherfuckers come up to them because they are the prize in the group. I don’t really understand why hot girls are way more fucked up than ugly chicks, but I guess it’s worth the pain you go through, because fucking a hot chick is a hell of a lot more interesting to look at when fucking than an ugly chick, even if that ugly chick over-compensates by giving the best head in the fucking world, and the hot chick refuses to suck dick and just lies there like she’s getting her hair done, it’s some psychological shit that you can’t get with an ugly girl, where the entire time you’re giving yourself high fives in your head for landing such a dime because you know the best you should be getting is the ex heroin addict who works at your 24 hour convenience store but you somehow ran enough game to get the prize….and whenever you win it’s a fuckin celebration, but you wouldn’t know anything about that and either would I because I suck at life.

Related Posts:

Kelly Brook’s Bikini Ass
Kelly Brook’s Upskirt

Posted in:Hot|Kelly Brook|Lingerie|Promoting|Unsorted

2007

02

Nov

I am – Rihanna's Got No Make Up on of the Day

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I like Rihanna and I am not 100 percent what it is that I like about her, but she’s got something going on. Maybe it’s the fact that she can sing and every time I see a girl rock a mic like it’s my penis I just imagine what it would be like to hear them sing while banging. I’ve never really had a chick willing to sing when we fuck, but if I had ever found out, I wouldn’t know what my playlist would be, but I know it’d be hot. It’s like watching a girl dance and knowing exactly how she fucks. I was out last night with this girl I know who dances like a fucking pornstar fucks. She shakes her ass in ways that makes her the hottest fucking girl in the room and all I can do is stare while imaging her dancing on my face. The shit drives me so crazy that I have no control over going up to her and trying to grab at her ass like it’s mine and that never goes over well and usually ends with me being escorted out by security or by her boyfriend trying to fight me.

I also met a hot girl last night who I was chatting up until her favorite song came on and she ran to the dance floor, only to bust the lamest dance moves I had ever seen. It was like her feet were strapped to cement blocks while she wailed her arms around and humped the air like a frat boy humps inanimate objects to make his boys giggle like the school girls they wish they were.

Either way, Rihanna isn’t wearing any make-up and it is refreshing because my most recent turn off is girls who paint their faces up like they are some kind of clown and it’s birthday party time. I realize halloween was a couple of days ago and shit, but when I see the shit crusted to their fake tanned faces, I can’t help but laugh to myself, knowing they spent hours doing that shit to themselves and for some disillusioned way think they actually look good when in reality they look like Lionel Fucking Richie, all night long.

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Rihanna’s Hot Shiny Legs
Rihanna Hiding Her Forehead Cleavage Pics
Rihanna Bikini Pictures
Rihanna Bathing Suit Pictures

Posted in:Hot|Make-Up|Rihanna|Unsorted

2007

02

Nov

I am – Rihanna’s Got No Make Up on of the Day

2 Comments »

I like Rihanna and I am not 100 percent what it is that I like about her, but she’s got something going on. Maybe it’s the fact that she can sing and every time I see a girl rock a mic like it’s my penis I just imagine what it would be like to hear them sing while banging. I’ve never really had a chick willing to sing when we fuck, but if I had ever found out, I wouldn’t know what my playlist would be, but I know it’d be hot. It’s like watching a girl dance and knowing exactly how she fucks. I was out last night with this girl I know who dances like a fucking pornstar fucks. She shakes her ass in ways that makes her the hottest fucking girl in the room and all I can do is stare while imaging her dancing on my face. The shit drives me so crazy that I have no control over going up to her and trying to grab at her ass like it’s mine and that never goes over well and usually ends with me being escorted out by security or by her boyfriend trying to fight me.

I also met a hot girl last night who I was chatting up until her favorite song came on and she ran to the dance floor, only to bust the lamest dance moves I had ever seen. It was like her feet were strapped to cement blocks while she wailed her arms around and humped the air like a frat boy humps inanimate objects to make his boys giggle like the school girls they wish they were.

Either way, Rihanna isn’t wearing any make-up and it is refreshing because my most recent turn off is girls who paint their faces up like they are some kind of clown and it’s birthday party time. I realize halloween was a couple of days ago and shit, but when I see the shit crusted to their fake tanned faces, I can’t help but laugh to myself, knowing they spent hours doing that shit to themselves and for some disillusioned way think they actually look good when in reality they look like Lionel Fucking Richie, all night long.