Not only does bitch having babies for the black man, but she also hires them to carry her umberella. Either she is re-living the slave era where the daughter of a plantation owner falls in love and gets knocked up by one of the cotton pickers and runs off with him and his singing brothers on the underground railway to Canada, or she’s integrating herself into the black scene to better understand the culture to help raise her baby. Or maybe she just relates to black people because she’s German and German’s are the black sheep of Europe. I am not going to get into this “once you go black you never go back” bullshit beause Heidi may be blonde but her ass isn’t fat enough for that. On that note, here’s a comment claiming I am a racist who can’t spell:

this has to be the dumbest article i have ever read.the guy who wrote it, must be a meth addict or a heroin junkie.the article is almost impossible to understand, and it has numerous falsehoods.one being,the hearsts ownership of ESPN,which is owned by ABC/Disney.another falsehood, is lydia being a ford model, which she is not.Maybe, you should work on your grammar and fact checking, because nobody cares if a complete moron is being racist.

My Response:

Models.com Claims Lydia Hears is a Ford Model GO

HearstCorp.com Claims that ESPN is their Flagship Porperty GO

So stop trying to shit on my fucking parade, we all knowing dissing someone’s grammar or spelling online is the weakest dis there is, especially when you write like this: “the guy who wrote it, must be a meth addict or a heroin junkie.” or “Maybe, you should work on your grammar and fact checking, because nobody cares if a complete moron is being racist.” Idiot.

PS. I am not Racist, I am funny. There’s a difference.

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I was just watching episodes of Degrassi the Next generation, I know you have this shit in the USA. It’s talent show day and I just saw the cunt who looks like a elf do some kind of experimental dance. Now there’s a fat girl and some hooker looking girl in a glittery shirt singing and dancing a fool. The point of all this is to say that I would rather see them perform than see Shakira rock a guitar. I don’t even know where the guitar entered her act, I remember when she couldn’t handle English, but seduced record execs by singing about her breasts, while giving them her freshly farmed family cocaine. She was a song and dance act.

Speaking of a song and dance act that introduced a guitar and ruined themself doing it, I bring you MUNG. He left some of the best comments on the site, I actually laughed at some of them and I never laugh, and he decided it was time to start posting. Unfortunatly, the posts aren’t as rockin’ as the comments once were…From now on, we call him Shakira.

Hi Jesus,

I have decided to let you write posts now because people say I should stick to writing comments instead of writing posts. I guess my dream of being a blogger on someone else’s website has been crushed by your readers. Tell them thanks a lot! As for my drug experiment, it actually went quite horribly. I hadn’t smoked hash oil in about ten years and I decided to smoke the entire vial to myself. After the fifth joint my eyes began shutting and Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas began feeling like real life…then I snapped out of my drug enhanced state and realized I wasn’t with a gun who could steal cars, pick up prostitutes, fuck them, beat them with a purple dildo until they were bleeding out every orifice of their body, and then take my money back. It sure would be a lot cooler if my life was like that and I wasn’t an overweight, balding, unemployed loser who lives in his parents basement and smokes hash oil and tells people he has never met about his experience doing it. After about 9 hours of playing PS2 I decided to shut it down @ 5:30 AM and I went to bed. I didn’t get up until 4:00PM the next day and I felt unmotivated to do anything. I was hungry but didn’t have the energy to peel my face off the pillow on my couch.

I guess I would have to say my experience with hash oil was pretty brutal. It made me feel like my life was more worthless than usual. Now I owe Patterson 20 bucks. I probably won’t pay him. He usually forgets about the people he spots anyways. Now I have to find a new drug to try this Friday. Someone by the name of drphilgood mentioned cat tranquilizers. I think it might be a good idea. Oh well, I thought I would let you know how it went. Nobody seems to care about this shit anyways but you will post it because I know you have nothing better to write and talk about because your life is just as hideous as mine.

Now go fuck off,

MUNG

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A friend of mine fixed a 4 year old hard drive I had lying around the mess that is my bedroom/office/washroom. I am slowly going through some of the shit that I have on it. This is from a long time before I started the site but I was still funny, assuming you find me funny now. Which you probably don’t. Either way, read it:

I went on a walk today and I came across a 50 year old china woman – she was lost and told me she lived with her parents. She asked for directions to get home and i asked her to sleep with me – she said no, so i asked to see her tits – she said no, so i asked what color bra she had on and she walked away. I was drunk and in retrospect, I don’t think she was a china woman at all, I think she was Inuit. That was at 6 am – i was drunk.

I am – celebrity….bitch

I guess things don’t really change in 4 years. Speaking of things never changing, Brooke Shields, despite all the signs that she’s a mom, still looks like she’s rockin’ a bigger cock than you, which may not be saying much, but it’s still a fucking PENIS and mom’s don’t have Penis, at least mine didn’t but I guess I shouldn’t speak for you.

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Laura Manzanedo is some Spanish slag who is running around topless at the beach, like some kind of topless bitch at the beach.
I just rolled out of bed and had to finish this post because I got this email I got from T., a regular commenter on the site. She’s been sending me things to post for the last month and I never take the time to read them or post them. I am an asshole like that. I read this one though and it’s about the how slutty 13 year old girls are on the swim team are. I know this is a shitty post, but then again…aren’t they all.

Jesus,

You keep asking for my nudes. You think the reason you’re not getting them is because I’m uptight. Maybe even a prude. Truth of the matter is, I have no shame regarding my body and so, keeping with the step-tradition of saying inappropriate things about underage girls, I can at least provide a sampling from the female prospective.

It was on the swim team starting at the tender age of 8 that I discovered everything about the human body and its fluids. I learned at a young age that Speedos aren’t half bad if the person wearing them is well hung. You can see all the details in the those things, and you guessed it, talked about them relentlessly in the locker room. And yes, we were often naked together in the shower…

Swimmers are really dirty. There is nothing a swimmer has to hide. The body is out at all times. We shamelessly sit pretzel-style in our suits and grab boob and balls under the lane lines. We experiment with different shaving styles as soon as we have pubes.

Swimmers from a small town are exceptionally dirty. Partners are swapped monthly and girl on girl kissing during Truth or Dare is boring by the time you get to high school. Rather, group flashing became a trend for us, boobs out and about every chance we got, even at a pep rally. Yes. 2,000 students from New Mexico have seen my boobs, and you haven’t. For that I’m sorry. If you keep working me over, I may one of these days trust you enough to not post them up all over the place, but until that time, I will continue titillating you in other ways.

Love,
T.

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I haven’t been by my computer the last 2 days and I haven’t been able to post my steplinks, that’s just what happens when you suck at life. Speaking of sucking at life, I was sent an anonymous email that included a phone number that the informant claimed was Kimmy Stewart. So I sent it to my Lohan stalking Jewish assistant to call her and see what she had to say. This is what he had to say:

Dear Jesus,

Thanks for the Kimmy Stewart number, you’re lazy ass hasn’t been very resourceful on the celebrity stalker front and I have to admit I was pretty excited about it. I wanted to call to verify the number, so I set my number to private and called. I was expecting to hang up the phone when I got an answer or answering machine. So when the bitch answered the phone and I was about to hang up, I decided to chat her up a little, I am seductive like that. So I tried convincing her that we knew each other, then I told her the whole story, that I was from Stepfather and that we stalk celebs. I told her that I was poor and she told me that she only hangs out with people with 1.5 million in their checking account because she’s shallow. She told me that she was watching football with her celebrity lesbian life partner who she doesn’t have sex with. I asked her if she was drunk or on anti-depressants because she kept telling me the the phone belonged to her dog snuggles. I still wasn’t convinced it was her and I didn’t record the conversation . I admit I fucked up.

I went to the T-Mobile website trying to find a way to send her anonymous text messages, accidentally used the site wrong and ended up sending her password to her handset, which is kinda funny because she probably thought she was getting hacked. Once I found the message center I sent her some random Jesus style shit and I signed your name. I told her I loved her. I hope you don’t mind.

I figured getting no response was boring, so I decided to drop the anonymous shit and send her a text from my cell. I don’t care about being anonymous. This is what I wrote:

“Some dude posted your number on the internet, I just wanted to let you know that I loved your work on “Good Morning Australia: Episode 30 – Sept 2005″, it changed my fucking life.”

She replied something like:

“I am not on the internet and I am not a celebrity. I am not the kim you think I am”

So I replied

“I don’t care who you are. I am in love and want to take you and Snuggles out for ice cream, but not chocolate ice cream cuz that shit is poison for puppies. PS Kimmy Stewart is not a celeb, she just banged the fat osborne. I make ppl happy, you are lucky I called”

She replied:

“Please don’t call or txt anymore. Thank you. T-Mobile is now aware of what’s going on.”

So I replied:

“Relax. You take yourself too seriously. I called and sent under 10 text messages. That is not harassment in any way. If I was your dad I’d Sing an American classic song to get me through this. PS. You were way cooler when we were talking on the phone”

She hasn’t replied yet, and probably won’t. I’m thinking of calling off our ice cream date.

I know this is too long for you to read, just post it on the site.

Thanks for nothing asshole. It wasn’t even Kimmy Stewart. Speaking of nothing, here are my weekend links. CUDDLES.