It would be pretty obnoxious for me to say I am a comedy writer because of this site, mainly because it isn’t funny. I do tell girls in bars who I am trying to get naked. I know that you wouldn’t think being a fat comedy writer gets you back to a girl’s apartment where she proceeds to shave her box for you, but it works a hell of a lot better than “I have a blog”. That blog line is the tested formula for instant rejection, understandably. I rarely go home with the girls, I do it to massage my ego, I am a married impotent man and I don’t follow through on the bar scraps I meet. Speaking of marriage, here’s Chris from American Idol fighting with his fat wife. We all know where this is going to end up. Divorce. A relatively talented dude from a small town gets his big break to live the life he always dreamed of, only a little later in life than expected, after he accepted his fate of being a nothing and marrying a d-rate chick. Knocking her up and hating everything about it, but dealing with it because there really is nothng else to do…This dude now has the big break and a little fame and bitches all over the country probably want him inside them and he knows that the potential of fucking tons of hot girls, after trading the old busted model that is his wife in. She is the one thing standing between him and fun. But he’s a nice guy and feels like he owes this baggage a chance, because building up to the whole American Idol thing he told her he was loyal to her and wanted no other, now that it’s said and done and opportunities present themself . We all know that he will crack. He’ll be caught fucking some hot slut, and wife will be on the next flight back to whatever trashville they are from. Here are pictures showing the demise of thier marriage. In case you didn’t know….failed marriage is always comedy so technically – I just wrote comedy. See I never lie to the bitches.

Bonus:

Watch Chris Sing Stone Temple Pilots on the Street

Watch Chris and other Idols Out Signing Autographs After a Night Out

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Someone emailed me telling me that I was a modern Bill Hicks, I thought he was talking about the cowboy in that HBO western series, the one who got shot playing poker, so I didn’t write back because I hate wasting my time on stupid disses. I get them all the time. After a sober afternoon, I realized that I was the idiot and that the cowboy I thought he was calling me was actually named Wild Bill Hillcock not Bill Hicks. I know this is a fucking amazing story so far.

It turns out that Hicks was a comedian and since I never followed the comedy circuit, I was in the dark on this shit. I generally hate comedy shows because I hate hearing the same jokes over and over. I hate seeing people try to make people laugh with canned jokes. I hate that it is always rehearsed and it is just boring as shit. But that’s not the point, the point is that since people (1 person) is saying that this Hicks dude is a lot like me, I had to listen to his work. He died in 1994 of cancer at the age of 32, he does a lot of social comentary and it’s interesting enough, when you keep in mind that it is 17 years old. He has this one joke where he explains how an ex girlfriend motivated him to do what he does, because he thinks to himself that one day she will end up living in a trailer park, poor only to turn on the TV and see him on it. I once dropped that line to my first girlfriend who dumped me and broke my heart, so it was funny for me to hear that everyone or at least Hicks thinks the same way as me. My girlfriend went on to god knows what, and it’s been 15 years and I still haven’t made it on TV. I was always embarassed of my trailer park ex gf story because it’s a lot like American Idol rejects screaming “I’ll make it without this show, you’ll see me in hollywood one day and you’ll be kicking yourself….” Thanks Bill Hicks for opening up my heart to my useless readers. Just because you’re dead, doesn’t mean you’re not a fucking asshole.

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There were a few things that already depressed me today. I don’t really remember what they are because I am nursing a hangover, that I shouldn’t have because I only drank 6 drinks last night. But for some reason I feel like I was just prison-raped. I had to turn off the TV because The View was killing me. I remember watching the season of Survivor the shoe designer Elizabeth was on…I totally wanted to bang her, but like every useless suburban girl, she got married and had a baby before the age of 30. It’s a fantastic way to turn me right the fuck off. I am sure that’s why she did it, because I really have that much of an impact on people. I guess what it comes down to is that I am attracted to younger girls, and marriage and babies are too fuckin’ heavy for me to deal with and the 30 year olds who aren’t married and who don’t have kids are all fucked up mentally, because they know their body is telling them to make babies, but their mind is telling them to focus on their career, and to fill that confusion, they fuck like mad. So I would have to go with the the under 25 if I had a choice, still in university, they have little to no responsibility, they are tight bodied and they would only sleep with me while drunk or roofied up. The point of all this is to say that I don’t have the luxury of having these kinds of choices, I am the guy girls call a creep, but Joss Stone is a singer and in a Bikini with her Black boyfriend (or just some guy)….So how about you look at those instead of reading my trash.

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As I sit here at 10:30 am, watching Taylor Hicks rockin’ his new single on Regis and Kathy Lee, looking at Nelly Furtado Bikini Pics, getting ready for The View, talking to girls on my AIM who won’t get naked/send me naked pics, I realize life totally sucks. I also realize that interviews with people on these shows are so fuckin’ repetitive. Anderson Cooper is telling the world a story he already told on Oprah 2 weeks ago. I think it’d be nice if he could deliver some fresh content. He’s making the same joke about his mother giving bad advice growing up. I feel like I am repetitive too. I post 5-10 posts a day and there’s really only so much social observation I can do. I want to apologize to the readers for pullin’ an Anderson Cooper on you.

Now, Nelly is rockin’ a sexy little bikini, something a little unnecessary for a bitch who just had a baby. The classy thing to do once you give birth is to dress a little conservative. No one really wants to see the definition of your after knowing the motherfucker’s been ravaged by a baby months ago. I guess the reason she lacks class is because she is Portuguese, and Portuguese people are fisherman. I hate to generalize, but I can guarantee that there’s a lot of over-compensating Portuguese people, in fancy suits trying to deny their roots….they don’t realize that no matter how expensive your tie is, you can’t deny your roots…and you’re not fooling anyone. Now – The Furtado pics.

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It was a holiday yesterday for all you motherfuckers, so I did a few posts and ended up drunk at the local bar. My nutritionist told me not to eat carbs for a month, because I am fat and dying so that means no beer, bread, pasta, fries, and all the other good shit I would normally eat so I just got drunk on Vodka and lettuce instead. In getting drunk, I neglected the link dump, so what better way to start your day back to the office or wherever you are with a couple of links. If you got anything for me – send it here

Her Tits Could Feed All the Kids At The Homeless Shelter

So You Think you Can Face Plant –

I have a shower fetish, but I don’t like implants. (NSFW)

Tom Cruise’s Baby Doesn’t Exist

Low Budget Action Movie Like The Matrix (11 minutes long)

Beyonce has Bikini Wedged Between her Fat Ass

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You just know when someone is going to famous. You can tell in how they walk and that they know they have something you don’t and that they stand out.. I have only known one person who became famous, he was a weird kid with a guitar growing up. He admitted to bisexual dreams when he was young in a time when gay wasn’t accepted by the world. That’s not the point of this post though, the point is that there are so many talented, eccentric people out there who potentially have what it takes. In every every city and small town there is someone who is better looking and more talented that you. But only a select few get chosen to go on to fame. It’s not because they are the best, but because they know the right people, work hard for their dreams of fame, or like Jessica Simpson cater to a small market of Christian rock in hopes that some Jew for Jesus executive of a record label sees dollar signs around her nect instead of her obnoxious crucifix. Nothing falls in anyone’s lap, so if you’re sitting there at home reading this, hoping for someone to knock on your door with your dump truck full of money and a 6 movie/ 10 record deal…keep fucking dreaming.

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You just know when someone is going to famous. You can tell in how they walk and that they know they have something you don’t and that they stand out.. I have only known one person who became famous, he was a weird kid with a guitar growing up. He admitted to bisexual dreams when he was young in a time when gay wasn’t accepted by the world. That’s not the point of this post though, the point is that there are so many talented, eccentric people out there who potentially have what it takes. In every every city and small town there is someone who is better looking and more talented that you. But only a select few get chosen to go on to fame. It’s not because they are the best, but because they know the right people, work hard for their dreams of fame, or like Jessica Simpson cater to a small market of Christian rock in hopes that some Jew for Jesus executive of a record label sees dollar signs around her nect instead of her obnoxious crucifix. Nothing falls in anyone’s lap, so if you’re sitting there at home reading this, hoping for someone to knock on your door with your dump truck full of money and a 6 movie/ 10 record deal…keep fucking dreaming.

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I was told by someone on my instant messenger that I am scared of the world and that is why I don’t have a real job, that’s why I don’t take anything seriously, that’s why I constantly make fun of my wife, that’s why I don’t really leave my house or have friends. She told me that I should go on SSRI’s which I assume are anti-depressants. I have been prescribed Paxil and Prozak in the past, but never took them. I hate shit that fucks with the chemicals in my brain. I guess reality is that people don’t understand people who fear the normal suburban life. You know the 9 to 5 job, mortgage and car payments, 2 weeks off in the summer, 1 week for christmas, day after day same old bullshit over and over again until you die. No thanks.

I figured I would address the issue of Jesus Martinez’s mental health in this post, because it comes up a lot. What it really comes down to is that no matter what you say or do, someone is gonna be out there analyzing it. They may do it to better understand where you are coming from for their own comfort/satisfaction, or they may do it because they are annoying Psych students trying to apply the shit they learn in school to real life, but reality is that everyone’s got issues if you analyze everything they do. In my case people don’t understand someone who sits at home all day and types about celebrities and other random shit, who likes making people he doesn’t know laugh and who has more fun on the government funded computer than in a bar with a bunch of other alcoholics or with my fat wife and kids at the amusment park or at a useless job making shit money. It’s got nothing to do with fear of the world or failure or rejection, or hiding out in my safe haven of a world, it has to do with creating my own destiny, entertaining myself, laughing and not having some cocksucker millionaire of a boss bitch me out for showing up 2 minutes late when I helped the motherfucker make his millions.

Point of all this is to say that people make choices in life, and my choice is to write while I am on welfare and not to go on pills and become the status blue collar quo. I will not hang with the other people I know on welfare at the horse races. I will not sit on a park bench drinking 40s with them to fill my useless day. I am going to continue spreading my word to the 2 people who read this site because I find it fun to do, and I assume you two find it fun to read. I guess the other point of all this is to say that if some girl on IM is already showing this much interest in my personality, I can probably totally get her naked, which i will….and now The REAL Point of all this is that we all got our issues and Kate Beckinsale’s issue today is that she wears those stupid raver fat pants that all the bitches are starting to rock lately while showing off her ass crack while smoking a butt and lookin’ depressed. Thanks Kate. That’s Great.

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I was told by someone on my instant messenger that I am scared of the world and that is why I don’t have a real job, that’s why I don’t take anything seriously, that’s why I constantly make fun of my wife, that’s why I don’t really leave my house or have friends. She told me that I should go on SSRI’s which I assume are anti-depressants. I have been prescribed Paxil and Prozak in the past, but never took them. I hate shit that fucks with the chemicals in my brain. I guess reality is that people don’t understand people who fear the normal suburban life. You know the 9 to 5 job, mortgage and car payments, 2 weeks off in the summer, 1 week for christmas, day after day same old bullshit over and over again until you die. No thanks.

I figured I would address the issue of Jesus Martinez’s mental health in this post, because it comes up a lot. What it really comes down to is that no matter what you say or do, someone is gonna be out there analyzing it. They may do it to better understand where you are coming from for their own comfort/satisfaction, or they may do it because they are annoying Psych students trying to apply the shit they learn in school to real life, but reality is that everyone’s got issues if you analyze everything they do. In my case people don’t understand someone who sits at home all day and types about celebrities and other random shit, who likes making people he doesn’t know laugh and who has more fun on the government funded computer than in a bar with a bunch of other alcoholics or with my fat wife and kids at the amusment park or at a useless job making shit money. It’s got nothing to do with fear of the world or failure or rejection, or hiding out in my safe haven of a world, it has to do with creating my own destiny, entertaining myself, laughing and not having some cocksucker millionaire of a boss bitch me out for showing up 2 minutes late when I helped the motherfucker make his millions.

Point of all this is to say that people make choices in life, and my choice is to write while I am on welfare and not to go on pills and become the status blue collar quo. I will not hang with the other people I know on welfare at the horse races. I will not sit on a park bench drinking 40s with them to fill my useless day. I am going to continue spreading my word to the 2 people who read this site because I find it fun to do, and I assume you two find it fun to read. I guess the other point of all this is to say that if some girl on IM is already showing this much interest in my personality, I can probably totally get her naked, which i will….and now The REAL Point of all this is that we all got our issues and Kate Beckinsale’s issue today is that she wears those stupid raver fat pants that all the bitches are starting to rock lately while showing off her ass crack while smoking a butt and lookin’ depressed. Thanks Kate. That’s Great.

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The thing that always made me laugh about bikinis was the liner on the inside of the bottoms. They have a plastic protective sticker, you know so that it keeps the bikini sanitary while it goes through the sales process and you don’t catch any vagina diseases from the other dirtbags who tried on the bikini….I wonder if a sales clerk wipes down that protective tape at the end of the day, or after each girl tries on the bottoms, because if they don’t I don’t see what makes it better to rub your cunt against a piece of plastic a ton of other girls rubbed their cunts on, or rubbing it up against a piece of fabric multiple women have tried on. I know that you’re supposed to wear underwear while bikini shopping, but I also know that a lot of girls probably don’t, justifying it by saying that everyone else does, next thing they know they’re rockin’ a scratch.

I guess that rant had absolutely nothing to do with this post, it had to do with hygiene. What I really wanted to write about was this skinny stripper at the strip club I go to, and how she’s an unhealthy drug addict of a woman, probably as small as Nicole Richie but looks like death. Richie looks good to me in these pics. I like a skinny girl, she’s got good hip to waist ratio, her small tits look hotter now than they did when she was a fat slob, flashing on the runway. I’d totally bang her, but it would mainly be to piss off DJ AM. I love being the new guy.

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