When I look at these pictures of Lohan made out of wax, I can’t help but think of the sex shop I used to work at for a while. I was the night shift clerk and I had to deal with all the fucking freakshows who would come in at 2 am and jerk off in the back of the store to the Nina Hartley pussy mold….I would have to run them out of the store with a broom and a lot of the time, I was too fucking late…so there I am, on my knees cleaning some drunken homeless guy’s cum off a plastic pussy mold, for 5 dollars an hour.

Now, I don’t have the luxury of flying down to this museum to check if they made Lohan a vagina or not, like the sex doll I am pretending this wax statue is but I guess since bitch is made out of wax, we could always melt one in and take turns fucking her. Despite the fact she looks like a washed up tranny who just finished singing “I will survive” at a drag show, I’d still try to get the wax Lohan pregnant, because it’s probably the closest thing I will get to slammin’ Lohan….I know you’d think she’d be easy, considering she’s fucked half of hollywood, but I am not in Hollywood. I suck at life.

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When I look at these pictures of Lohan made out of wax, I can’t help but think of the sex shop I used to work at for a while. I was the night shift clerk and I had to deal with all the fucking freakshows who would come in at 2 am and jerk off in the back of the store to the Nina Hartley pussy mold….I would have to run them out of the store with a broom and a lot of the time, I was too fucking late…so there I am, on my knees cleaning some drunken homeless guy’s cum off a plastic pussy mold, for 5 dollars an hour.

Now, I don’t have the luxury of flying down to this museum to check if they made Lohan a vagina or not, like the sex doll I am pretending this wax statue is but I guess since bitch is made out of wax, we could always melt one in and take turns fucking her. Despite the fact she looks like a washed up tranny who just finished singing “I will survive” at a drag show, I’d still try to get the wax Lohan pregnant, because it’s probably the closest thing I will get to slammin’ Lohan….I know you’d think she’d be easy, considering she’s fucked half of hollywood, but I am not in Hollywood. I suck at life.

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About 5 year ago, every bitch who worked at a club was rockin’ low rise jeans, showin off their ass crack…There was a whole fucking movement based on showing the top of the ass, and it was called the new cleavage by the sluts who were doing it. Over the last 2 years, bitches everywhere, moved from Ass Crack Cleavage to the no bra, thin cotton shirt…showin the world the circumfrence of and color of their nipples….it was called the American Apparel movement. I don’t know what the next trend’s gonna be, I do know however that Michelle Tachtenberg’s a Jew and it’s Passover because Jew’s like 6 day holidays instead of 3/4 like the rest of the world and she’s showing her asscrack… I am just waking up and I don’t care about her asscrack, I am a much bigger fan of the anus, it’s just an inch away from the babyhole.

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About 5 year ago, every bitch who worked at a club was rockin’ low rise jeans, showin off their ass crack…There was a whole fucking movement based on showing the top of the ass, and it was called the new cleavage by the sluts who were doing it. Over the last 2 years, bitches everywhere, moved from Ass Crack Cleavage to the no bra, thin cotton shirt…showin the world the circumfrence of and color of their nipples….it was called the American Apparel movement. I don’t know what the next trend’s gonna be, I do know however that Michelle Tachtenberg’s a Jew and it’s Passover because Jew’s like 6 day holidays instead of 3/4 like the rest of the world and she’s showing her asscrack… I am just waking up and I don’t care about her asscrack, I am a much bigger fan of the anus, it’s just an inch away from the babyhole.

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I guess the good thing for Kylie is that her sister’s got enough tit to share with her in the event they amputate her shit cuz of the cancer. Call me ignorant, but one of Dani’s tits is big enough to fill an A-cup, provided you had the right tools to make it happen. I actually don’t find cancer funny, I think suspenders are though, they remind me of when I was younger and I used to get molested by the clown at the mall…Good fucking times, maybe I’ll write about it in my diary.

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I guess the good thing for Kylie is that her sister’s got enough tit to share with her in the event they amputate her shit cuz of the cancer. Call me ignorant, but one of Dani’s tits is big enough to fill an A-cup, provided you had the right tools to make it happen. I actually don’t find cancer funny, I think suspenders are though, they remind me of when I was younger and I used to get molested by the clown at the mall…Good fucking times, maybe I’ll write about it in my diary.

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Jewish girls are a good thing. They usually have rich parents who give them access to unlimited credit cards, that they use to get their hair done, their sephardi moustaches and cooters waxed, they rock designer clothes and if they are lucky get nose jobs, breast reductions/implants, braces by the time they are 18. They have solid educations for bright futures, they like to be seen and socialize, they rock cocaine harder than a rock band and they love pissing off their parents by fucking useless poor goyims, like me. The most exciting thing about Jewish chicks is that they all learn how to suck dick in summer camp when they are 14. They suck multiple dicks all summer long for 4 years straight, and if you land a Jewish chick who is about 22, you’re signing up for to get the best head of your life. When I was 27, I used to slam this 23 year old Jewish girl. At that point I had NEVER cum from a blowjob, I always had to finish off by jerking it or by slammin the girl….until I met Orit a 22 year old Israeli chick who changed my fucking life. Point of the story is, I don’t know if Portman sucked her first dick in summer camp and I don’t know if she’s good at giving head, but her dog does…..the dog also knows what facial expressions she makes when she shits and what her used panties look/smell like, even when she’s on the rag. The dog knows when she masturbates or gets fucked and here she is walking the little pervert like he didn’t see her pussy that morning…

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Jewish girls are a good thing. They usually have rich parents who give them access to unlimited credit cards, that they use to get their hair done, their sephardi moustaches and cooters waxed, they rock designer clothes and if they are lucky get nose jobs, breast reductions/implants, braces by the time they are 18. They have solid educations for bright futures, they like to be seen and socialize, they rock cocaine harder than a rock band and they love pissing off their parents by fucking useless poor goyims, like me. The most exciting thing about Jewish chicks is that they all learn how to suck dick in summer camp when they are 14. They suck multiple dicks all summer long for 4 years straight, and if you land a Jewish chick who is about 22, you’re signing up for to get the best head of your life. When I was 27, I used to slam this 23 year old Jewish girl. At that point I had NEVER cum from a blowjob, I always had to finish off by jerking it or by slammin the girl….until I met Orit a 22 year old Israeli chick who changed my fucking life. Point of the story is, I don’t know if Portman sucked her first dick in summer camp and I don’t know if she’s good at giving head, but her dog does…..the dog also knows what facial expressions she makes when she shits and what her used panties look/smell like, even when she’s on the rag. The dog knows when she masturbates or gets fucked and here she is walking the little pervert like he didn’t see her pussy that morning…

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I love Jessica Simpson. Not because she’s from the gutter of a trailer park in Texas, or because she can’t formulate a sentence, or because she let her dad molest her. It is because she looks good, even when she’s not rockin’ a bra. Most bitches with tits this big need to strap down just to keep their nipples from aimin to the ground. The other nice thing about Jessica is that she proved to the world that waiting until marriage to lose your virginity only ends in a divorce. You have to know what you’re getting yourself into before locking down…..that said, if you are reading this and you are a virgin, we will find someone to fuck you on the DrunkenStepfather.com Virgin No More Tour. I just came up with that concept, but I think it’s genius, especially considering 95% of my readers have never even held a girl’s hand, and the closest thing they had to a girlfriend was the fat Albino retarded slut with no fingernails in grade 6….and even that bitch dumped you.

Bonus – Her Wedding Thong:

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