Rachel Bilson shows up to the Emmy Awards with some older woman, some would think it’s her mom, but I don’t think it is. Celebrities love scandals and I think her scandal of choice is lesbianism, it’s pretty innocent and not threatening, even when it’s with a sugar momma who can’t stop staring at her tits.

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It’s funny what success does to someone. Her career was in the fucking gutter, something she was probably used to from her youth, I don’t know that for a fact, but can only assume she slept her way into an acting career, that’s pretty much how they all do it. Anyway, she landed this successful show, that is such manipulative crap that is designed for bored housewives, which there are apparantly a lot of out there, who wish that taking care of the kids consisted of hot teenage gardeners, audultery, birth control pill tampering, murder and all that shit, unfortunately for you, things like this will never happen in your life, you will just remain in your boring marriage with your boring husband, raising your ugly kids, and dying having never seen much more than florida…it’s called being average. Anyway, Teri turned her career around, is wanted by you, the public and now smiles in public, instead of bowing her head in shame. Let this be motivation for all of you losers sitting at your computers hating yourselves….there’s always hope to turn it all around, even if you are Teri Hatcher, and Teri, if you are reading this, and I know you are, because you are searching the internet for more praise and approval, my advice to you is to suck it all in, it won’t last forever, except maybe in WAX

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People everywhere assume that having a bunch of mexican babies would ruin your body, and by people I mean dudes I know who have fucked baby mommas. They have told me nothing really positive about the state of their tits, stomach or ass. They always justify it as an easy conquest, cuz bitch is damaged goods and desperate to lure any man willing into their single mother life of hell. The funny thing about Kelly Ripa is that she looks pretty tight, being jacked on speed and having a career that is out of control with bad sitcoms, bad talk shows and whatever other crap she does is that there is little time to eat and lots of time to run around. She is also on TV, and no one likes to see themself homely and shit when watching the daily show while lying in bed with your ripped mexican pornstar of an actor husband. The fact is that you can put a coat of white paint on anything, and lucky for us, bitch has a supportive bikini bottom, because trust me, if this was a nudist beach, she’d be dragging her uterus in the sand behind her. If you didn’t understand what I meant from that, it’s probably because you have never actually witnessed a real pussy, I mean the homemade pocket pussy is good times and all, but shit will never experience the effects of birth. Remember the only people who say it’s a beautiful thing are ladies, justifying to themselves why they destroyed their cooter. That’s my story.

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People everywhere assume that having a bunch of mexican babies would ruin your body, and by people I mean dudes I know who have fucked baby mommas. They have told me nothing really positive about the state of their tits, stomach or ass. They always justify it as an easy conquest, cuz bitch is damaged goods and desperate to lure any man willing into their single mother life of hell. The funny thing about Kelly Ripa is that she looks pretty tight, being jacked on speed and having a career that is out of control with bad sitcoms, bad talk shows and whatever other crap she does is that there is little time to eat and lots of time to run around. She is also on TV, and no one likes to see themself homely and shit when watching the daily show while lying in bed with your ripped mexican pornstar of an actor husband. The fact is that you can put a coat of white paint on anything, and lucky for us, bitch has a supportive bikini bottom, because trust me, if this was a nudist beach, she’d be dragging her uterus in the sand behind her. If you didn’t understand what I meant from that, it’s probably because you have never actually witnessed a real pussy, I mean the homemade pocket pussy is good times and all, but shit will never experience the effects of birth. Remember the only people who say it’s a beautiful thing are ladies, justifying to themselves why they destroyed their cooter. That’s my story.

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The benefit of being a trashy piece of shit actress is simple, you don’t have to take care of yourself, because nobody cares if you die, not even you. Now I am all for self-destructive behavior, and chain smoking while eating a can of beans, but I am not in the limelight and more importantly, I don’t have the budget to have a psychiatrist hook me up with the hottest pills on the pharmaceutical roster. Tara Reid, fake titty, erect nipples and drunk is puffing on a fag, and I am not talking about the queen standing next to her, lucky for her, I have contributed to her 5 minutes that turned into 5 years of nothing memorable. Tara Reid you are celebrity smoker of the day. This may have sucked, but I haven’t updated in weeks, I am surprised I still remember how to type.

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I know that I haven’t updated this motherfucker in a while. The reason is simple, I was flown to the midwest to pitch a TV show on their local cable access. It’s something I thought would be more luxurious than it turned out to be. They would pay me in whiskey, and although that sounds hype, the reality is that I would have to get myself out there every saturday. It’s just not feasible because I am poor, which brings me to my next point, all you motherfuckers who have been emailing me to update, realize that I work on my motherfucking schedule. Until you start sending me money to do this, you are just gonna have to deal with my slacking because you aren’t my boss asshole. Anyway, I am thinking about doing an update tonight, to keep you entertained until I do type “luxurytrips.com” into google. It’s an internet game.

Cuddles.

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Mariah Carey is useless.But here’s a clip of her nipple slip. I know you love it, cuz nipple slips are the foundation of the entertainment industy and your love life, but not the kind of nipple slip you’d like, maybe one that happens in your room, or off of a computer screen, but that may change, as girls get older, their standards drop, and you may be a prime candidate to witness her titty fall out of her shirt or somethng. No jokes here – this is just a video clip for you to watch – and love or hate. I am not in the mood to influence your decision as to whether this is hot or not, but that’s only because I hate you and have no interest in making you a better person, you know, one in my image….that was a Jesus reference, the real jesus, not that fat drunken, whore running Jesus. RESPECT.

See Clip Here (Taxidriver)

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The problem most girls going through puberty deal with is puffy nipples. It’s like the estrogen or some shit turns those fuckers into padded, oversized saucers that throw off the whole tit dynamic. I think it’s cuz the nipple develops first or some shit, but I am not a doctor, but if I was a doctor, I would consider being a teenage girl nipple consultant. The point of this is that this girls got some weird shit going on in her dress, I can only hope it’s something she grows out of, cuz otherwise, she won’t get casted in all the topless movies we have planned for her, unless it for some freaky puffy nipple fetish site, which I would be more than happy to start, not cuz of Bynes, for all the teenage girls out there to not feel alone. Puberty is such a sensitive time. I am here for you.

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The benefit of having the Olsen twins hide from the camera people when leaving some building is that we can divert our attention to the slut in shorts, not quite short enough, but you know I am a pretty deseperate person, so seeing the apples of her bottom really doesn’t make that much of a difference to me. I guess the good thing of any girl standing next to the Olsen twins is that most of the time they look hotter than they actually are, but that’s only cuz I find the Olsen twins ugly. This happens all the time, the semi good looking girl surrounds herself with fat bitches, to make herself look pretty. It’s nice to know that things don’t really change that much on this level. This is a useless fucking post, but I will press publish anyway – cuz it’s all about quantity, not quality, at least when it comes to drinking.

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The good thing about having big tits is simple: with the right strapping and pushing and squeezing and shit, those fuckers can be shaped however you want. I am not too sure if this is good for the tit, and permanent damage may result in breast cancer, not a laughing matter, but a harsh reality of today’s times, and girls just wanna look sexy for there men and don’t even care about the risks at hand. I smoke and I drink and that shit will kill me, and knowing that shit will kill me won’t stop me. The difference between me and Jessica in this situation is that what she’s doing is seducing all of us to watch her stupid TV shows, where as I am just feeling sorry for myself and trying to speed up the inevitable….Her fearless ways should be inspiration to us all and if any of you girls reading this have small tits, don’t worry about it, I like it all, but hopefully you’ve got a decent ass, cuz if you got no tits and no ass, bitch, I got plenty of losers I can introduce you to.

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