Who says cocaine is bad? It has helped Lohan shape up. Being an alcoholic like her dad has accounted for a lot of calorie intake. What better way to counter the ill-effects than to binge on coke. It’s really speeds up the metabolism while keeping the party vibe going and boosts your onfidence….people need to appreciate bathrooms more. I remember when I was a bathroom attendant at a pretty high-end brothel. I sold cigars and gum. It has probably the highest profile job I ever had.
On a sidenote – what do they do with the implants after they remove them?
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Now that introductions are out of the way, on to the pussy. We’ve never actually seen any pussy, but we hear it’s pretty cool. (Stop yelling, Ma, I’m busy on the Internet!)
Elbow-Tittie is always a subtle way to start chatting (kinda like how we do it all the time in the chat groups on the internet. You’d be surprised how much the FBI hates it when a 35 year-old guy makes friends with 11 year olds on the net, by pretending he’s their age). The way elbow-tittie works is as follows: You go up to a chick and elbow her in the tit. How fuckin dumb are you that we need to explain it? If that doesn’t work, she still might be impressed at the immunity to pepper spray that you’ve built up over the years.
Now that you broke the ice, how do you get her into the sack? We asked our buddy Tobias who once fingered a chick (he’s the man!), and he said that his best move is impressing her with your knowledge of Dungeons and Dragons. Whatever you do though, DO NOT tell her that you’re an elf! Chicks hate that shit. You MUST say that you are either a wizard or a centaur, and that you have slayed at least a level 7 dragon. Otherwise, you got no chance buddy.
Congrats on having gotten off your fat ass and spoken to a real, live girl. We’re gonna do that too, one day. Now that you’ve spoken to a chick for 10 minutes, it looks like you’ve got a girlfriend. This guy we once met who told us he once had a girlfriend told us that you’ve gotta “play the game”. That means playing hard to get buddy. I know it can be difficult, since this is the first girl you’ve ever spoken to, and you probably came your pants when she talked dirty and said “fuck off, creep”. But beleive us, it works like a charm. We told out internet girlfriend, “I_love_hillaryduff_1989” that we’d chat with her online right now, and we’re like 3 minutes late already. We got her wrapped around our little finger.
Some of our readers do not like to or are not able to read. We at the Drunken Stepfather sympathize and have a feature just for them. “THE Link Dump” where all you gotta do is click on the link. If would like to send me a link, email me at: 
I miss Minxy Winxy Pudding + Pie as much as you do, I was going to go to her memorial, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Instead I read her erotic stories and cried. In my healing process, I have been drinking a lot of hot chocolate and Wild Turkey, it is comfort food, I have also been frequenting strip clubs a lot. I have been looking for a lap dance that would be on par with the ones I used to get Minxy Winxy to give me back when I babysat her, years ago. I remember those nights, I would tuck her in and read her Babysitter’s Club. She loved Dawn. Then she would but on her sexy costume and dance for me. She was 11.
Every person has one special day…Their birthday. Everyone hates Monday’s, the day we must all drag our hang over ass down to work after the weekend. So lets blame this Monday on someone born today, just chosse someone. I choose you Jeanne Calment.
Yes all you fucking perverts have seen the ass pictures before, but have you ever found a place that has a whole fuckload of them. This is the most comprehensive collection of the “perfect webcam ass”. We are not a jerk off site – so fuck off you wimpering twats. 
