DrunkenStepFather.com - I'll Make You Famous…

2007

26

Jul

I am – Deelishes’ Udders of the Day

Deelish

I am not excited about flying cross country to spend 5 days getting slammed by a former client’s old man meat for rent money, and writing for you twats while he recharges. I haven’t really been back to LA since I was a kid. We left when I was 12 because I had a depressive drunk birth-father (not the fun Step kind like Jesus) who needed a new start in a new timezone, which didn’t really work out.

I remember hating LA. We lived right on the border of the rich part, like literally, the neighborhood went from rich to poor in the middle of my street, beginning with my house. My dad said he was going to re-stucco the front, ripped it all off, then left the wood and cinder blocks and pipes exposed for 5 years and let the lawn turn into a weed forrest while he drank in the garage. There were some Filipinos further down the block with some chickens and a chihuahua that went missing. The kid next door claimed he beat the rat dog to death in a pillow case with a bat, but that dog was most likely the Filipinos’ dinner. There was a drug bust one night. A local skinhead would paint swastikas on the wall of the retarded kid’s house. The riots were kind of exciting.

This is Deelishes from Flava of Love’s teets. I don’t know whether she won or not, but she looks like the tranny that used to prance by my school yard every other day swinging a purse and a ponytail weave.

Once I saw Flava Flave in NYC heading west on 18th street at 5th ave. He had his big clock on and was yelling into is cell for attention. It was sad. But not as sad as Deelishes’ udders. Someone didn’t wear a bra for ten years. She should get a lift and you should start smacking your prick because you know it turns you on.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE

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2007

26

Jul

I am – Deelishes' Udders of the Day

No Comments »

Deelish

I am not excited about flying cross country to spend 5 days getting slammed by a former client’s old man meat for rent money, and writing for you twats while he recharges. I haven’t really been back to LA since I was a kid. We left when I was 12 because I had a depressive drunk birth-father (not the fun Step kind like Jesus) who needed a new start in a new timezone, which didn’t really work out.

I remember hating LA. We lived right on the border of the rich part, like literally, the neighborhood went from rich to poor in the middle of my street, beginning with my house. My dad said he was going to re-stucco the front, ripped it all off, then left the wood and cinder blocks and pipes exposed for 5 years and let the lawn turn into a weed forrest while he drank in the garage. There were some Filipinos further down the block with some chickens and a chihuahua that went missing. The kid next door claimed he beat the rat dog to death in a pillow case with a bat, but that dog was most likely the Filipinos’ dinner. There was a drug bust one night. A local skinhead would paint swastikas on the wall of the retarded kid’s house. The riots were kind of exciting.

This is Deelishes from Flava of Love’s teets. I don’t know whether she won or not, but she looks like the tranny that used to prance by my school yard every other day swinging a purse and a ponytail weave.

Once I saw Flava Flave in NYC heading west on 18th street at 5th ave. He had his big clock on and was yelling into is cell for attention. It was sad. But not as sad as Deelishes’ udders. Someone didn’t wear a bra for ten years. She should get a lift and you should start smacking your prick because you know it turns you on.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE

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2007

26

Jul

I am – Jennifer Esposito’s Almost Cleavage of the Day

3 Comments »

Jennifer Esposito

I was hanging out with Julien at the gay bar on the weekend, you know, me being Julien’s fag hag and all, and telling him how when I watch porn to masterbate to, I only like to watch girl-on-girl shit. He says its because I am, in fact gay, and I said its because porn guys are disgusting to anybody thats not a gay man. We had to agree to disagree on this one. The topic then moved solely onto masterbation, a portion of which I have included here.

PS: He still thinks I’m gay.

Girls are really fucked up about masturbation. Iâ€™m not talking on the whole Guys can talk about jerking off but girls arenâ€™t allowed to, double standard thing (yeah yeah I know you have a vibrator, youâ€™re so empowered, big whoop). No, girls are fucked up about masturbation because they have to many moral hang-ups about who to masturbate to.

I was talking to a few female friends about their fantasies and because they are all children of the 80â€™s, they all had a thing for Michael J. Fox, specifically in the Back to the Future movies. They all had these elaborate scenarios that they used, most involved the DeLorean, some involved Christopher Lloyd (ok that was a joke but I do think that would be kind of hot). Anyway, so I asked them if they still masturbate to young Michael J. Fox and they were all like No way! Thatâ€™s sick! He has Parkinsons! So basically, the fact that he used to be hot and he now has a disease has stopped them from masturbating to him all together.

Now I donâ€™t understand this at all. I jerk off to anyone I want to, I donâ€™t give a fuck how they die. Some of my all time best fantasies are: River Phoenix, Christopher Reeves as Superman and Freddy Mercury. But my all time masturbation champ would have to be Jesus (Christ, not Martinez. Although if comes back from his trip all tanned and trim, he might work for him). Yeah man Jesus is fucking hot, I don’t care that he was crucified and is the son of God, he has a really tight body and could probably do all kinds of freaky shit in bed. Demigod sex is so where itâ€™s at.

So my advice to everyone is to masturbate to whomever the fuck you want to. If you want to rev your vibrator up to the max and have multiple orgasms about Marty McFly, go right ahead, the fact that he is all shaky and shit now doesn;t cancel out that he used to be hot. But if you still have some weird hangup about it here are some almost cleavage shots of Jennifer Esposito. She used to be on Spin City with Mr. J. Fox. Maybe she can be the next best thing.

Smooch!

Julien

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Posted in:cleavage|Jennifer Esposito|Unsorted

2007

26

Jul

I am – Jennifer Esposito's Almost Cleavage of the Day

3 Comments »

Jennifer Esposito

I was hanging out with Julien at the gay bar on the weekend, you know, me being Julien’s fag hag and all, and telling him how when I watch porn to masterbate to, I only like to watch girl-on-girl shit. He says its because I am, in fact gay, and I said its because porn guys are disgusting to anybody thats not a gay man. We had to agree to disagree on this one. The topic then moved solely onto masterbation, a portion of which I have included here.

PS: He still thinks I’m gay.

Girls are really fucked up about masturbation. I’m not talking on the whole Guys can talk about jerking off but girls aren’t allowed to, double standard thing (yeah yeah I know you have a vibrator, you’re so empowered, big whoop). No, girls are fucked up about masturbation because they have to many moral hang-ups about who to masturbate to.

I was talking to a few female friends about their fantasies and because they are all children of the 80’s, they all had a thing for Michael J. Fox, specifically in the Back to the Future movies. They all had these elaborate scenarios that they used, most involved the DeLorean, some involved Christopher Lloyd (ok that was a joke but I do think that would be kind of hot). Anyway, so I asked them if they still masturbate to young Michael J. Fox and they were all like No way! That’s sick! He has Parkinsons! So basically, the fact that he used to be hot and he now has a disease has stopped them from masturbating to him all together.

Now I don’t understand this at all. I jerk off to anyone I want to, I don’t give a fuck how they die. Some of my all time best fantasies are: River Phoenix, Christopher Reeves as Superman and Freddy Mercury. But my all time masturbation champ would have to be Jesus (Christ, not Martinez. Although if comes back from his trip all tanned and trim, he might work for him). Yeah man Jesus is fucking hot, I don’t care that he was crucified and is the son of God, he has a really tight body and could probably do all kinds of freaky shit in bed. Demigod sex is so where it’s at.

So my advice to everyone is to masturbate to whomever the fuck you want to. If you want to rev your vibrator up to the max and have multiple orgasms about Marty McFly, go right ahead, the fact that he is all shaky and shit now doesn;t cancel out that he used to be hot. But if you still have some weird hangup about it here are some almost cleavage shots of Jennifer Esposito. She used to be on Spin City with Mr. J. Fox. Maybe she can be the next best thing.

Smooch!

Julien

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2007

26

Jul

I am – Catherine Zeta Jones Is A Winner of the Day

1 Comment »

Catherine Zeta-Jones

By the time your read this post, I will be in the middle of a strip search at the airport. Apparently, bull-dyke security guards think white girls in tank tops and yoga pants make excellent terrorists. I am flying to LA today to meet up with an old client, we’ll call him WR. He’s turning 50 on friday, and offered to fly me out to help him ‘celebrate.’ WR was one of my biggest spenders who let me sleep over at his townhouse and paid me extra for it, which i would have done for free (my pimp kept me in shitholes). He has this bending a girl over some sort of rail fetish and fucking her from behind. I am talking the wooden rails on his staircase landings, the stone wall of his ‘front’ balcony, and the fire-scape in the back. I didn’t like the fire-escape: it was too low and metal, and I am not into pelvic bruising , and a few times he pounded me so hard i nearly went over.

WR moved to LA just before I quit the biz of being a true-blue whore. We kept in touch, and I became his sort of confidante. Why is it that when someone shoves coins up your cunt for a while they feel like they have an intimate bond with you? Maybe it’s because you’re their dirty little secret, so they can unburden their own on you without being judged. Or let’s face it, they are fucking lonely.

Now I know I swore off penetration-for-pay a few years back, but there is a loophole. WR’s cock snuggly fills this loophole: my rent is due and LA is my first hometown. Also, WR is twice my age, has insane cholesterol issues, and I am thinking about his will.

If you are gonna judge me for a free vacation and crazy sex for cash, then judge Catherine Zeta Jones also. She married an old man for a contract and popped out as many kids as his decaying sperm could deliver. Here she is with her ample tits and bod at Letterman yesterday. Pretend you are Michael Douglas and you own it. Although I am not impressed with her ass… it’s a little flat.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE

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2007

26

Jul

I am – Claire Danes is Boring and So Is Her Nipple of the Day

3 Comments »

Claire Danes

Claire Danes is about as boring as it gets for celebrities and and to me, so is her nipple. Granted sheâ€™s an alright looking gal, but when it comes down to it, she is just not interesting, and neither are her movies. I though she was gone for good, cause she disappeared for awhile, but I guess she has a new movie out for something, because I see her everywhere, trying to get us all to like her again.

Thereâ€™s a girl like Claire Danes in every highschool. People like her and say they say hi to her etc. No one has anything against her, she just is not fun all. No one invites her to parties either, because while the rest of the girls are getting naked in the pool and making out with each other, Claire just sits in the corning and talks to a few people quietly and leave after she feels awkward.

So hereâ€™s Claire Danes and her boring nipple. If her nipple could talk I bet it would be on a fun celebrities tit and not Claires. That nipple has something to prove. Itâ€™s trying to break free, Iâ€™m telling you. Which celebrity nipple would YOU like you like to be for a day?

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2007

25

Jul

I am – stepLINKS of the Day

9 Comments »

stepLINK July 25/07

Sugar Nell got an email today from some crybaby read regarding a post made yesterday about Michelle williams looking like a unisex Elf. It reads:

Why would short hair = elfin boy? Lots of attractive hetero women have short hair. Of course, long hair, bone crunching corsets and chastity belts (and more currently, big fake tits and orange skin) are required to advertise that I AM FEMALE. She obviously has breasts. She has a feminine face. She has a curvy and not emaciated body
Heather

And I replied:

Dear Heather

I was sent your email via Sugar Nell and I must say I’m pretty surprised about your reaction. My guess is your a girl with short hair who looks like a boy and therefore got offended about it. Do you take Women’s studies at school as well?

You obviously don’t read our site regularly, because I assure you that a) its usually far worse then that, and b) you would realize that what we do is commentary and satire on celebrities and their lives. It doesnt matter if we believe what we write, all that matters is that it is funny.

This morning for instance, I made a joke about Britney Spears putting Sean Preston on the BBQ and Lindsay Lohan running over small children in her car. Furthermore, there’s plenty of our readers (the ones who still play Dungeons and Dragons in their moms basements for instance) who think elves are actually quite sexy.

I think you need to lighten up and maybe not take things so seriously and with all due respect, get the sand out of your vagina.

Thanks for your lovely email.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

I hope she replies. Until then, clicks these links

Asian Girls kicks each others asses
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The gayest Stewie moments ever
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Who says you can’t get laid?
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Jenna Jameson is going to be in a comic
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And today, in sex tape news….
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Some guy who’s really good with a spray can
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Snake up the bottom
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Roselyn Sanchez like whoa!!
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Fat bitch dancing, because fat people are funny
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Jodie Marsh is looking for a husband
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Bill O’Reilley vs The Turtle Kid
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10 Ways to get out of jury duty
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Vickie and Beckham are to exclusive for their own good
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Britney may loose her kids if her cousin and Fed-Ex have anything to do with it
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Lookin good Sweetheart
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Tina O’Brian like whoa!
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Sex Talks
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Aerobics chicks are hott, especially on the Mickey Mouse Club
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Serena Williams naked in Jane Magazine
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TITS! They look the same in every language
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Christina Aguillera camel toe
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Bush likes to pick his nose
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Top Ten big breasted blondes
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Michelle Marsh naked (again)
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Michelle Rodriguez isn’t gay
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Lohan is worthless
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Great moments is Hollywood typos
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Cathermine Zeta-Jones is an idiot
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Angelina Jolie = Still Hott
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Marie-Louise Parker shows some skin on weeds
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The girls next door
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Fat girls shouldn’t ride swings
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Tom Cruise drunk and dancing
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Nasty bike crash…blood guys and gore.
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Pretty Paulina
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Lookin good Sweetheart
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Jessica Alba broke up with Cash Warren, but you still don’t have a chance, loser
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Courteny Love wants more surgery…ughhh
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L’OREAL are a bunch of liars
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Lohan’s alcohol thingy-ma-jiggy was real!! Who would have thought?
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Cate Blanchette is gettin naked
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Stop emailing me for sex and use this instead
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Posted in:stepLINKS|Unsorted

2007

25

Jul

I am – Uglies in Love of the Day

7 Comments »

Everyone is always fucking with ugly people and going on about how the uglies never get laid or hook up with people etc, but did you ever notice that it’s the ugly people who get together and stay together? While the rest of us are arguing with our boyfriends or girlsfriends, breaking up and getting back together, the uglies are just chillen you know? Eatin a bag of dorito’s or whatever.

It’s the ugly people who end up sitting on a porch together when they are 78 years old and uglier then ever. Everyone else has been divorced 3 times by then and is going to die old and alone in a home where they only change your diapers once a day, and rarely turn you when you are bed ridden, leading to bed sores.

People who are good looking always seem to think that something better will come along and therefore never want to commit to anybody for longer then they have to, for fear that there just may be someone more suited ie: hotter.

I dunno about you, but I will take love with an ugly person over shitty diapers and bed sores any day.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

Posted in:stepTV|Unsorted

2007

25

Jul

I am – Throwback Naked Playmate of the Day

1 Comment »

Kathy Lloyd

A couple months ago I was crashing on my friend’s couch along with her at her mom’s apartment. Every morning we would take the dogs out to the park to pee and hump each other (the dogs, not us). One morning we noticed a homeless dude passed out in the bushes. One of the dogs ran off, and when it came back, it was covered in hot, wet homeless shit. We freak out. The other dog starts going nuts and fucking this human shit-covered dog. We call her mom and she says to take them to Petco (I was thinking bullets were a better idea).

We leash the bitches up (they are lesbian dogs) and start the 12 block treck to Petco. It’s morning rush hour, the sidewalks are packed, and our two human-diarrhea dogs are rubbing up against people on their way to work. We get to Petco, and the groomer was like, “Holy fuck.”

Two hours later the dogs came back with ribbons and smelling like roses. You know what probably doesn’t smell like roses? Former playmate Kathy Lloyd’s pussy now. These are some old naked picks of her from, Hell, i dunno, the ’80s? ’90s? She probably has peices of Heffner all stuck and rotting up in her vagina. But she was naked then, so I present her to you now. Go masterbate.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE

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2007

25

Jul

I am – Beyonce Falling Down Stairs of the Day

1 Comment »

I shouldn’t really laugh at anyone falling down the stairs to music, especially since I’m not black and can’t really dance so well anyways. No matter how hard I try I just end up looking like a stripper, you know? Anyways, this was taken as Beyonce’s concert last night or something and apparently shortly after it happened, she asked during a pause between songs that people not put it on youtube and the net etc.

Really that just goes to show what a bubble this chick is living in, because A) If we wanted we could probabaly find video of her taking a crap before the concert on the net and B) It’s funny as shit, and nobody would be loyal enough to her not to want to share it with the rest of the world.

Not even your biggest fan is going to pass up that kind of oppurtunity honey. Sorry….

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

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