Nothing says pervert like cropping pictures of Mischa Barton drinking an iced coffee drink to make her look like she’s sucking dick. We all know that bitch isn’t into sucking dick because her boyfriend is a woman. He may be named Cisco but he isn’t asking girls to see their thong tha thong thong thong. That’s the story I heard.

I have spent my weekend getting drunk and calling celebrities. Nicole Richie told me to fuck off and never call her again, while Paris is keeping up the lie that her name is Alex and that she is concerned about my imaginary internet girlfriend named Brenda. If you don’t know what I am talking about , read my archives you unloyal piece of shit readers. I have been messing with what we all think is the real Lohan on myspace, I like to call her Singalohan because all these bitches from Singapore pretend to be celebrities on myspace because let’s face it, life in Singapore will lead anyone to do weird things.

I was offered a $50 ad deal for an e-book. I didn’t take it because $50 won’t even pay for a date with my wife to McDonalds, let alone my server and rent and food. Thanks for the offer though.

Lastly, I saw Jackass and it made me laugh. Look at me, I’m a real fucking blogger now. I feel like a 15 year old girl telling the world about how her daddy hates her and how she cuts herself and has had 4 abortions because it’s the best form of contraceptive. Only I don’t have a the tight little body, designer jeans and and breasts that touch the sky like Kanye West. Cuddles.

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I meant to post this yesterday, but got side-tracked. I wanted to say that all the Jews were running around the streets Friday because it was one of their holidays and none of them went to work. I wanted to say that that is a typical Jew thing to do…you know have their own vacations and use the christian ones too, but then I realized that my lawyer is Jewish, so Happy New Year or whatever it is you say in HEEB.

I wanted to talk about how I ran into my local homeless dude who I last saw punching himself in the face and is now missing a tooth and I wondered what happened to it.

I went out and got drunk last night, only to learn that hipster parties make me feel awkward. That didn’t depress me, but made me think to myself that drinking is sometimes more fun alone. I sent a lot of text messages to the celebrity numbers I have, but deleted them before I went to bed, I sent a lot of text messages to people I know, I’d apologize for that too, but it’s all part of the fun in knowing me. I like to think of it as their personal blog entries in their phones at 4 am.

And now for my links:

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If Perez Hilton is the Queen of all media , and Howard Stern is the King of all Media, does that mean they fuck? Are they going to have a public marriage like Princess Diana and will Perez get killed by a jealous paparazzi for stealing his photo, while Howard get’s girls to ride the sybian? I don’t know what that was supposed to mean, but I like to think of myself as the septic tank cleaner of all media and by all media, I mean this site is BIGGER THAN VICE and VICE probably makes a solid $20,000,000 a year and I’m making somewhere around $2,400 a year. My server alone costs $4,800 a year. You do the math.

I hate getting all business on you, but it is a Jewish Holiday and figure my Jewish readers at home reading this can call on some favors from their rich uncles. I know VICE doesn’t only make money off the website, they have the magazine and the record label and a brand name that 16 year old girls love, but even if they pull in 100,000 a year off their site, I should be making more the $2,400. Ya heard?

Speaking of poverty and septic tanks, here’s some pictures of Juliette Lewis looking FANTASTIC and by fantastic I mean, like a poor hungry person who just swam through the septic tank looking for undigested corn and nuts and such to eat for dinner. Most of the time, posts don’t need my rambling, this is one of those times.

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If Perez Hilton is the Queen of all media , and Howard Stern is the King of all Media, does that mean they fuck? Are they going to have a public marriage like Princess Diana and will Perez get killed by a jealous paparazzi for stealing his photo, while Howard get’s girls to ride the sybian? I don’t know what that was supposed to mean, but I like to think of myself as the septic tank cleaner of all media and by all media, I mean this site is BIGGER THAN VICE and VICE probably makes a solid $20,000,000 a year and I’m making somewhere around $2,400 a year. My server alone costs $4,800 a year. You do the math.

I hate getting all business on you, but it is a Jewish Holiday and figure my Jewish readers at home reading this can call on some favors from their rich uncles. I know VICE doesn’t only make money off the website, they have the magazine and the record label and a brand name that 16 year old girls love, but even if they pull in 100,000 a year off their site, I should be making more the $2,400. Ya heard?

Speaking of poverty and septic tanks, here’s some pictures of Juliette Lewis looking FANTASTIC and by fantastic I mean, like a poor hungry person who just swam through the septic tank looking for undigested corn and nuts and such to eat for dinner. Most of the time, posts don’t need my rambling, this is one of those times.

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I just wrote a joke that I think could be the next big thing in jokes. It goes like this….

A girl emails me telling me about how she busted her live-in boyfriend using the LPSG.org website. She told me that she found his profile name and went through some of his posts all of which were about how much he liked big dick and gay shit like that. So she confronts him asking him why he is on LPSG.org because she didn’t understand why he’d be there since he was below average in size. The only logical reason was to find himself a big cock of his own. Anyway. She sends me this myspace message saying that THIS DUDE has been chatting her up and since he had a 6-pack she took her fat ass to the kitchen and made some panty soup. Point of all this is to say dude has a kid but he’s a total fag with a shitty radio show (listen to his myspace “song”).

So here comes the joke I wrote that will be the next big thing in jokes and it goes like this….

Maybe fag’s are into to you because you are an asshole

Feel free to use it. So I guess you’re thinking, all that reading for absolutely nothing. My joke fucking sucked and you’re mad right now. Well just be happy that you aren’t Kate Moss’ Hired Umberella Holdin’ Slave. Even though he makes more money than us, holding a bitch’s umberella is like wiping the shit off an old lady with alzheimer’s ass because bitch keeps forgetting what it feels like to shit until it’s too late. Maybe that alzheimer joke is the joke that will be the next big thing….I just don’t know.

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I just wrote a joke that I think could be the next big thing in jokes. It goes like this….

A girl emails me telling me about how she busted her live-in boyfriend using the LPSG.org website. She told me that she found his profile name and went through some of his posts all of which were about how much he liked big dick and gay shit like that. So she confronts him asking him why he is on LPSG.org because she didn’t understand why he’d be there since he was below average in size. The only logical reason was to find himself a big cock of his own. Anyway. She sends me this myspace message saying that THIS DUDE has been chatting her up and since he had a 6-pack she took her fat ass to the kitchen and made some panty soup. Point of all this is to say dude has a kid but he’s a total fag with a shitty radio show (listen to his myspace “song”).

So here comes the joke I wrote that will be the next big thing in jokes and it goes like this….

Maybe fag’s are into to you because you are an asshole

Feel free to use it. So I guess you’re thinking, all that reading for absolutely nothing. My joke fucking sucked and you’re mad right now. Well just be happy that you aren’t Kate Moss’ Hired Umberella Holdin’ Slave. Even though he makes more money than us, holding a bitch’s umberella is like wiping the shit off an old lady with alzheimer’s ass because bitch keeps forgetting what it feels like to shit until it’s too late. Maybe that alzheimer joke is the joke that will be the next big thing….I just don’t know.

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Do you ever wonder why some people are famous and you aren’t? I don’t really care about this Hollywood shit. I would like to have enough money to pay my motherfucking rent though and Hollywood seems like a really lazy way to do it. All you have to do is show up to events and such.

I know some of you fuckers are talking in the comments about how I have a 4 bedroom condo on the top of the mountain and that I am making all kinds of money off this shit that I am hiring hookers while drinking champagne and laughing at you fuckers for buying an 80stee. I want you to know that that isn’t ture and you should know that because let’s face it, how many 80stees have you bought since visiting me here? I know that I have more that 10 people coming to the site daily. I just know that the other couple of thousand of people just click in and leave. They don’t count as readers.

The dude who posted my Alexa Rank needs to understand that Alexa means nothing, it’s based on people who have Alexa toolbars on their computers. How many of you have the Alexa toolbar on your computer? I know I don’t. I was linked on collegehumor and a couple big sites this month and it had nothing to do with MUNG. I have been doing this a long time, sometimes I get 150,000 people a day, somtimes I get 5,000. That traffic doesn’t stick around for long it isn’t consistant and it doesn’t pay my fucking bills. This site is a complete fucking bust.

The solution is to me is to get American Apparel to sponsor the site. I want you fuckers to start emailing them demanding they support me.

All this is to say, that you should be happy where you are in life. You should not want to be these poeple. They are all a bunch of losers who take themselves too fucking seriously, but at least they can pay their fucking rent.

PS- I can’t believe people read Perez Hilton. Dude’s too ugly to be taken seriously, even on the internet. Not to mention the person he is calling out to feed Nicole should probably stop feeding him. I am a fat guy, But I’m not red carpeting it. They won’t let me.

Now, as MUNG would say, while biting my style, Go fuck yourself. Cuddles.

Someone Ran Over This Kardashian Bitch With The UGLY Armenian Bus

Carmen Electra

John Stamos Used to Change the Olsen Twins’ Diapers, and He Liked It…

Paris and Her Push-Up Bra

X-Tina and Her Implants

Nicky Hilton’s Tall-Guy of a Boyfriend

BONUS:

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I have this new fantasy that when my wife dies, I start dating a barely legal girl or at least a girl who looks like she’s 15. Not because I am a ped or because I am nearly 40 and having a mid-life crisis and need this to make me feel alive againg, but because it makes for good comedy. I would coordinate it so that all our dates would be something little kids do, like getting ice cream, going to amusement parks, waterslides and the mall. I would get really dirty looks from moms my age, who would be at the same date spots with their daughters. I got this idea from my lawyer last night because one of the strippers had this tight pubescent body and was about 100 lbs. He said if you were to date her, knowing she’s 20, everyone would think she’s 15 and that you’re a pervert but it would be perfectly legal and I was all over that shit, Nicole Richie on cake.

Speaking of Fat Bitches. I feel like MUNG is my Nicole. I am giving him a fan base and an outlet to get famous, like Paris did for Nicole in the Simple Life. If he had started a site on his own a month ago, no one would give a fuck about him and he’d have all of 3 readers. But now you are about to read his story and write him fan email while leaving me in the fucking gutter to rot. Thanks for forgetting the original. Assholes.

THIS IS KIND OF A LONG ONE SO BEAR WITH ME PEOPLE

LAST NIGHT I GOT LAID WHILE YOU VIRGINS SAT ON THE INTERNET STALKING MYSPACE GIRLS. It had been 15 months since I had inserted my penis into something that I didn’t have to blow up first. Here is how it went down.

Patterson called me @ 10:30 last night and told me he had some wicked pot and that he wanted me to come over to smoke it with him. I was kinda nervous because I was thinking that he wanted me to pay him for the hash oil he gave me last weekend. He forgot because he is a stoner.

We smoked the pot and I was about to get up to leave because I didn’t want to sit around and listen to Wu-Tang Clan and reminisce about the good ol’days of high school, when all of a sudden he said “let’s go downtown”. I looked through my wallet and I had 11 dollars. “Sure” I said. So we hop in my 91′ Neon and head to the bar. I walked in and all of a sudden it hit me….I AM FUCKING HIGH AS FUCK. I don’t like to be in social situations when I am stoned. I become Helen Keller and talk with my hands and make grunting noises that don’t even come close to forming words. I ordered a beer from the bartender by using sign language and all of a sudden a girl walks up to me and says hi. This chick was absolutely disgusting and sorta looked like the Kool-Aid man because she was fat and she was wearing red pants and a red shirt. Patterson told her to fuck off and then said “Ohhhh yeah!” to her in the Kool Aid man voice. I nearly spit my beer out I was laughing so hard. She heard him but still continued to talk to me and offered to buy me a drink. I asked for a “Killer Kool-Aid” and Patterson nearly shit himself he was laughing so hard. After I downed the drink the chick looked at me and smiled. I think she roofied it because I woke up this morning in the East End of town, beside her naked, and my fingers and dick smelled like tuna flavoured Kool-Aid.

I hate myself and I am never hanging out with Patterson again.

I have decided to go back to bed without showering because I kinda like the smell of tuna flavoured Kool-Aid, but first I have to decide what type of drug I want to do tonight. I downloaded Huey Lewis and the News’ “I Want A New Drug” and I am listening to it right now to inspire me. I don’t want to go next door and ask my veterinarian neighbour for “cat tranquilizers” because she will tell my parents and then they will kick me out of the house and I will become homeless and I will have to rent my mouth out as a place for homosexuals to stick their penis to make a living. I don’t want to call Patterson because he will lead me on another adventure downtown. So my brilliant idea is to try “whippits”. For those of you that don’t know what a whippit is, it is when you take a can of whipped cream and inhale the gaseous contents of the can and become clinically retarded for about 3 minutes. I have decided to buy 4 cans. Actually, I won’t be buying them because I have no money. I will be shoplifing. I will let you know how my adventure goes tomorrow.

Now go fuck off,

MUNG

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Some girl was just talking to me on MSN and said that she’d be right back. Three minutes later she came back and said she went to masturbate. Under normal circumstances I’d know bitch was lying, but this time I know she was being honest. I thought 3 minutes was too short a time to make yourself cum. Unless you are one of my readers who cums at the sight of a vag, I just don’t get it.

I went to the strippers again tonight. I went with my lawyer. After last week’s fun, we decided to make it a weekly event. I liked seeing how the white girls were lazy and jacked on drugs trying to get through the dances and the black girls came up on stage and ripped it. They were doing the splits, cartwheels and fucking pole tricks that I had never seen in my life. It was like seeing someone who was really in their element, like a pro athlete playing against a highschool gym class. I am drunk right now, but figured out that it’s because as a little girl the black girl aspires to live the glammed up stripper life and now that she’s 18, she’s living her dream all while the white girls feel like shit for being a stripper and every dance brings her deeper and deeper into guilt ridden shame, thoughts of how her life went wrong.

This is not a race issue, just an observation. I like my strippers to be into it, so stop putting words in my mouth…and fuck yourself and Fuck My Links…

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