I don’t watch Heroes, because I am not into the whole hero bullshit. I don’t believe in them. I am more into self absorbed pricks who don’t give a fuck about anyone, even themselves and drink themselves into an early grave while trying to bring everyone around them down with them. So I didn’t know who Kristen Bell was, but she was spotted in a bikini, so now I do and feel like a much better person for it, and by better I mean like a virgin. Because every time I post bikini pics, I always feel like a fag who can’t get pussy and who sits at home obsessing over bitches like the other people with these kinds of sites and reality is that I honestly don’t give a fuck about them or about them in bikinis. There is perfectly good pussy right outside my door for me to invite over to try on bikinis, but I do it for you, because I know you’re struggling so I guess in a lot of ways, that makes me a hero…unlike the buzz-killing asshole who’s covering her up with his gayer than Ellen pink blanket….
I wasn’t going to cover any Emmy Awards shit because the Emmy Awards are fucking lame and it was my attempt in protesting them. Reality is that I tried to watch them yesterday because I figured it would inspire me to hate the world more than I do or maybe even take the 4 hours of my life away from me. I promised a reader that I would live-blog but that didn’t happen. Life lesson, never trust a drunken Mexican.
I first tuned in on my neighbors TV during the pre-show red carpet shit and saw the fag from Queer Eye doing fashion play-by-play like it was a fucking sports show. I thought the concept was stupid and was forced to change channels, but that was after I saw lesbian Ellen and her wife who is not so lesbian but realizes that eating Ellen’s pussy is good for business, being interviewed. Ellen was a manic weirdo who must have been jacked on something and it made me question why we let Lesbians on TV.
I tuned in again for the opening performance that was some Family Guy shit, Stewie and the dog were singing about how shitty TV is, I think I laughed a few times but I was drunk and don’t really remember. I do know that I like Family Guy and think it’s the best written show, so I hope they won something.
Ryan Seacrest came on and didn’t make me or anyone in the audience even crack a smile. His jokes weren’t jokes and it was nice to see his Seacrest ship sink, I can only hope this continues in the next events he is involved in, because his demise is well deserved. He’s a 5 minutes of fame gone wrong situation, you know the kind of dude you hate that gets on some Dating Show but somehow turns it into years of success when his talent only should have got him to the elimination round….
The second Ray Romano came on was the second I turned the shit off. I hate his voice and seeing him on TV reminded me why I don’t watch TV. I used to go crazy everytime his show came on, I am talking throwing shit at the TV to make the pain stop.
I also kept catching my neighbor staring at me while rubbing his leg, and despite being all for dirty old men, I can’t accept dirty old men giving me the eye mainly because I am not into gay but also because I am disgusting looking and anyone giving me the eye whether man or woman is clearly fucked in the head and someone I don’t want to be around…I felt like I accidentally walked into some kind of secret gay man hook up zone like a public bathroom that fags use as a meeting place to fuck while their wives are out shopping or some shit…and despite it being more exciting than the Emmies, I still had to get the fuck out.
Here are some pictures of the event:
Christina Aguilera and Her Pregnancy Tits
Eva Longoria and Her Mexican Ass
Hayden Panettiere and Her Floppy Tits Hiding Under a Tent of a Dress I can only assume she wanted to wear adult sizes for once and this is the result
Heidi Klum is Living Beauty and the Beast
Jaime Lynn Sigler Brings Her Eating Disorder as Her Date
Jaime Pressly 4 Months After Letting The World Knows She Has Unprotected Sex By Having a Baby
Jennifer Love Hewitt Hiding Her Fat Ass We All Know She Has…
Kaley Cuoco Because She’ll Never Be On TV Again
Katherine Heigl is the Big Winner…Literally…
Kristen Bell Because I Don’t Know Who She Is…
Lisa Rinna Because She Hasn’t Been on TV for a Decade…But Her Fake Tits Get Her Past Security…
Maria Menounos Because She’s Greek and Takes it in the Ass
Michelle Pfeiffer is Old But Still Hotter Than Anyone You Know…
Phoebe Price Because Her Dress Has Windows
Portia DiRossi Because She’s a Fake Lesbian and We Like Fake Lesbians Because It Means They Will Let Us Fuck Them While They Eat Out Their Friends…
Teri Hatcher Because She Banged Ryan Seacrest
I am sure there are more, but this took me long enough to do and I am over the Emmy Awards….
Bonus – Christina Aguilera Performance with Tony Bennett
This is some girl named Kristen Bell in a bikini on the set of some movie or TV show she is filming and wearing a bikini in. Probably something you’ll all order the DVD of and jerk off to, because that’s the kind of person this site caters to.
I have a confession to make. I wrote a TV show concept and sent it in to a producer last summer. It was called “hollywood sweatshop” and it was pretty much the same concept as the show “On The Lot”. I even mailed a copy of it to myself thinking that the fucker would have been HUGE. The producer told me it was a bad idea that wouldn’t work and I went back to the website like nothing ever happened, but when I saw that this fucking show hit I was blown the fuck away. I coulda been a millionaire just like Mark Burnett, the Reality TV show guy who invented survivor.
Either way, maybe it wasn’t such an original idea, and I am not going to live my life crying about all these great ideas that no one ever buys from me, but end up creating and making tons of money with….I am going to live my life posting pictures of celebrities in bikinis for no money at all. That’s just the way it is…If you are wondering why I am talking about this, I have one channel on TV and that show was it….
