I was walking down a street yesterday and came across a store going out of business with a sign indicating that everything was on sale. It was some kind of antique store that I would normally not notice, but it happened to have a giant Jesus statue in the window and I thought it was a sign from god, so I walked inside. The place was like a magical garage sale, filled with random crap and I asked the guy how much the Jesus statue was and he turned to me and said that it wasn’t for sale, I decided to look through the rest of his shit, because I had nothing better to do and figured since I was already in there, I might as well and that’s when I overheard another browsing shopper ask how much a lamp was and dude said that it wasn’t for sale, so I started flipping the products over to see the prices and everything was 1,000 dollars, even a jar full of marbles and I realized that this motherfucker didn’t want to sell anything, he was just a creepy collector and I was in serious need of some hand sanitizer, because creepy collectors masturbate a lot and I could only assume, he used his random junk instead of his hand because he loved it so much and would never let it leave his side….

I think the editors at Esquire who have just named Halle Berry the Sexiest Woman Alive have the same psychiatric disorder as my friend the antique dealer because it seems like they just can’t figure out how to move the fuck on. Sure she’s hot, but she’s old and a mom and it’s time to bring some new blood to the bed sheets by devirginizing some prime pussy, not pussy that’s already seen it’s fair share of babies and cock, but I guess that’s all a matter of opinion….and mine, as I’ve discovered over the years, is pretty much worthless.

Posted in:Esquire|Halle Berry|Sexiest Woman Alive