Everyone is freaking out about Iron Man 2….I am not one of those people. I generally can’t stand these bullshit hollywood movies everyone gets excited about and it’s not because I’m trying to be indy, or obscure, or anti-mainstream, cuz if shit was good I’d admit to liking it, I just generally find it retarded, dumbed down, designed for idiots with no real substance who really buy into marketing and what the media tells them….but I can stand pussy and here is some of the pussy that was at the premiere, most of the pussy I don’t recongize, but really all pussy kinda looks the same, sure they come in different colors, sizes and shapes but they all kinda feel the same so naming them really doesn’t matter….
I hate admitting that I find things funny because it fucks with my hating on everything, but the movie The Hangover trailer made me laugh. Historically, when movie trailers make me laugh, the movie itself doesn’t, I guess they use all their decent jokes to lure people, or maybe the stupidity in small doses is acceptable, but after 30 minute of the shit, you want to fuckin’ kill yourself, and when you sit there just waiting for the funny joke you saw in the trailer to play out, just to keep you from wanting to kill youself, you know you should have listened to your instincts and hated it from the second you heard about it, instead of letting their marketing win you over.
So that’s not an endorsement, that’s just my relationship with them movie The Hangover, and here is Heather Graham at the premiere, busting out of her dress like this was 1999 and she still had the hottest tits in the industry, and you gotta love her for that, at least I know I do. It’s like longevity thanks to perseverance, so don’t give up on us now baby, those natural tits can carry you into the next 2 decades….
I saw some cheesy whore on a date with some meathead in Ed Hardy the other day. She’s the kind of girl you can tell goes on dates with many random men, many times a week, because I’ve seen her game before and I’ve seen her hustle, and I recognized the desperate weak conversation they were having about how often the dude goes to the gym, and how she kept telling him how amazing his muscles were, because I guess she doesn’t know better, and thinks that meathead guys are good husband material, or at least good fucks, or who fucking knows, what I do know is that she looked like a cheap whore, the kind of girl you want to wear a condom with, you know a pornstar without a porn contract, and her t-shirt was shredded apart like Anna Faris’ dress and this story really fucking sucks and I don’t know why I just told you it, because if someone told me this story, I’d laugh in their face and call them fuckin idiots for wasting my fucking time, so feel free to do that in the comments.
Here’s a video of busty Meagan Good at the Saw V premiere getting bugged by tons of people for autographs. I was a little surprised considering I had no idea who she was this morning, then slowly figued things out thanks to IMDB and realized that I saw her in a movie called D.E.B.S. It was about 4 or 5 years ago and snuck into the theater alone, thinking it would be funny to be the creepy old guy in a theatre filled with 14 year old girls, not because I want to do creepy things to them, but because I wanted people to think that I did, and upon sitting in my seat, realized half the audience was creepy old guys who were there alone, so in actual fact I wasn’t alone at all, but amongst like minded people. I don’t remember the movie, I just remember some dude next to me getting kicked out for exposing himself to the girls sitting next to him, but that was a long time ago.
I realize that her fame probably didn’t come from D.E.B.S. and that the people begging for autographs probably think she’s Flo Jo, Denzel Washington or some other famous black person, because when I’ve been to LA, I realize that a lot of tourists are there to spot stars and they’ll be happy meeting pretty much anyone who’s ever been on their TV in any shape or form, and they stand in places they think the celebs will go, like the Chinese theater, and hope the premiere they are going to be standing outside is a little more high profile than Saw V so that the autograph’s and stories of meeting someone famous are a little better received at the watercooler back in Japan or China where these kinds of fame hunting tourists are usually from, instead of coming back with Meagan Good’s autograph and constantly having to explain to people you are bragging to, who she is…..
Either way, here are the stills from the premiere, where you can see Meagan Good wearing a pretty tight pair of leather leggings from American Apparel, in the event you were lookin’ for a pair of your own, because you like the way tight fabric feels against your balls, and you are tired of always sneak into the laundry room to try on your mom’s pantyhose, don’t worry, no one actually knows about that, your mom just figures the dryer stretched them all out, she’d never think her baby was such a sick motherfucker, thank god for denial….
UPDATE: An insider told me the reason Meagan Good is getting rushed is because they thought she stole something.
I don’t like that Rumer Willis is making sex faces at me. It reminds me of all those times I’ve been forced to have sex with disgusting girls because they were just too into getting fucked and I had no capacity to say no.
Rumer Willis is one ugly girl. I don’t care how blue she makes her eyes, shit won’t distract me from the fact that Demi Moore was on hard drugs while she was pregnant and has invested a lot of money in paying off People Magazine to name her top 100 Beautiful People and producers to cast her in their shitty straight to DVD movies about an ex-playmate becoming a sorority girl……
I guess what it comes down to is how much she’s paying this Luke Perry Mother Fucker to put his arm around her, I figure he’s either a co-star in the movie or someone who is willing to put their dignity aside for a little exposure, but either way the thought of anyone fuckin’ her kinda confuses me and makes for something I’d definitely watch, because I’ve done worse, but definitely wouldn’t enjoy watching. It’d be like a 2 Girls 1 Cup situation, but less sexy.
On a side note, Ashton Kutcher still has mommy issues and an old lady fetish and is still having sex with Demi Moore because he can’t figure out how to escape her controlling weathered hand and plastic surgeried grasp…..and he is supporting his stepdaughter by going to her event because I guess they are proud that she hasn’t killed herself yet, something they’ve all been expecting her to do since the first time she saw a mirror. I like to support my stepdaughter differnently, like by walking in on her when she takes a shower to tell her she has hot tits I want to suck to boost her self-esteem.
So it turns out that Kim Kardashian’s got some reality TV show with her sister called “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” and I am sure it’s going to be some next level shit that will change all our fucking lives. I am not really sure what Kim Kardashian does but I can only assume keeping up with her is pretty fucking easy. Other than the fact that we don’t have high powered lawyers as a father, who died and left us a huge inheritance to travel the world and attend events, or the fact that we don’t fuck black men on video for the world to see, or the fact that our asses, despite being 300 lbs aren’t as big as hers, I think the only real challenges this bitch faces is putting on a pair of jeans in the morning.
Reality is that I like to think I am going to the top, and will have my own show called Keeping up with Jesus Martinez, that would involve me sitting on a computer all day and drinking myself into the gutter all night, but not at those trendy clubs, I am talking a bottle of whiskey and a park. I am not going to the top because I am talent or because I have any readers or any prospects but I like to think I am because I have a slutty reader who wants to fuck me and that shit makes me feel like a star. She’s got daddy issues and I am all about daddy issues. She probably has a boyfriend or husband and she is probably 200 pounds and likes videogames and jogging pants, but I don’t care. I like the attention. I am the flavor of the month for her and she’ll be done with this site in the next couple of weeks, but right now I guess she gets off to what I write. It’s too bad that the real me is a lot less interesting and attractive as I make myself out to be. If I ever made my way to California where she lives, which is always possible cuz I hate my wife, and set up a little meeting with her to get her to let me watch her shower, she’d only look at me in disgust and call the police. See you and me really do have a lot in common. Only difference is that bitches aren’t leaving you these kinds of messages.
So it turns out that Kim Kardashian’s got some reality TV show with her sister called “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” and I am sure it’s going to be some next level shit that will change all our fucking lives. I am not really sure what Kim Kardashian does but I can only assume keeping up with her is pretty fucking easy. Other than the fact that we don’t have high powered lawyers as a father, who died and left us a huge inheritance to travel the world and attend events, or the fact that we don’t fuck black men on video for the world to see, or the fact that our asses, despite being 300 lbs aren’t as big as hers, I think the only real challenges this bitch faces is putting on a pair of jeans in the morning.
Reality is that I like to think I am going to the top, and will have my own show called Keeping up with Jesus Martinez, that would involve me sitting on a computer all day and drinking myself into the gutter all night, but not at those trendy clubs, I am talking a bottle of whiskey and a park. I am not going to the top because I am talent or because I have any readers or any prospects but I like to think I am because I have a slutty reader who wants to fuck me and that shit makes me feel like a star. She’s got daddy issues and I am all about daddy issues. She probably has a boyfriend or husband and she is probably 200 pounds and likes videogames and jogging pants, but I don’t care. I like the attention. I am the flavor of the month for her and she’ll be done with this site in the next couple of weeks, but right now I guess she gets off to what I write. It’s too bad that the real me is a lot less interesting and attractive as I make myself out to be. If I ever made my way to California where she lives, which is always possible cuz I hate my wife, and set up a little meeting with her to get her to let me watch her shower, she’d only look at me in disgust and call the police. See you and me really do have a lot in common. Only difference is that bitches aren’t leaving you these kinds of messages.
